arneal

Hey trying2 -- oh, my ... new baby! LOL! He's a piece of work. It's meant compromise between BF and I, in that before he came to live here, I slept with my bedroom open so the dogs could come in and out. We started keeping the door closed when BF moved in. Now kitty sleeps in the bedroom. I haven't been cleaning the litterboxes and don't plan to, unless there's a time BF isn't here; I'm leaving that as his house chore, since I pretty much take care of everything else. I travel for work this coming weekend, so he'll have to do it all anyway. I tend to have a heavier hand (will use the water bottle to keep kitty off things, will plop him on the floor if he uses his claws on me), where BF is concerned about frightening him. I just remind him I'm doing the things that worked on my past kittens and cats and go on with my process, while letting him do it his way Other than that, it's good. I'm sorry to hear that your NG hasn't gotten a handle on how you process emotionally. I hope he begins to understand you and doesn't get all up in his feels if you have to tell him straight out. Perhaps you can use the 'positive sandwich' technique: I appreciate your 'fix it' mentality' (positive) but I feel this way about this thing and it's not something you can fix (not so positive). If it would help, maybe you can just not be here when I'm dealing with this and we can connect later so you can do [name something you like that he does when you don't feel very upbeat] because you are really great at that and it makes me feel better (positive).

Oh yes. The Litter Robot. The newest is close to $700. I can't; not to mention that some Maine Coons are too big for them. There's a hand-crank version but sadly there's something in the plastic that means it can't be shipped to California. So irritating!

Happy birthday, tybec -- I have come to embrace birthdays, all holidays really. A reason to be unreasonably celebratory Yes, I am sure the new addition will liven things up. I find part of my 'keep my irritations to myself' is that I'm a planner ... I like to have things done and well ahead of time when it comes to these sorts of experiences. I've had the litterbox, canned food, toys, feeding bowl, and the like here for a few weeks. NG is supposed to be finishing the outdoor enclosure, since the cat can't be outdoors per breeding arrangements (and because our lizards are poisonous to cats, plus there is always the chance he'd get out of the yard, despite the fence), but has been taking his sweet time. He's also supposed to be adapting a large plastic box into a second litterbox. Note 'supposed to'. I'm keeping my mouth shut as he doesn't feel the same sense of urgency about these things as I do. I'm of the ilk to get it done, sit back and celebrate it being done, and have time should anything else need doing. What he doesn't know is that he's going to be on primary litterbox duty 🤣 I'm sure I'll have some stories in the coming weeks ...

Thank you, sudnlysngl -- yes, the change of temps and so on might have something to do with it. I think I'm getting more sensitive to the seasons. All I want to do is sleep (it doesn't help that we got a new mattress LOL). I certainly appreciate the prayers! Kitty will be named Fyzzgyg -- a variant on 'Fizzgig' from The Dark Crystal movie. I wanted to name a pet that the first time I heard the name and BF liked it as well. He came up with the variation in spelling though.

Thank you! All's well now. We have electricity and internet again I had to work on Friday to make up for being MIA for the previous two days; I was supposed to be off Friday through yesterday. I ended up working a little on Saturday as well, but took the other days completely off. Yesterday was really great because I basically sat in the floor and watched TV after washing my hair and giving myself a home-spa treatment. We are getting a cat, did I share that? Saturday, we'll go pick him up from the breeder. I am hoping it will be a nice day as the drive is lovely. It was nice to not be in front of screens all day. I've been in something of a funk lately. Can't put words to it really ... I try to keep my irritable nature to myself, particularly when it's sparked more by work issues than anything else. I've been trying to stay in my own lane as I know that will help! Hoping everyone is well.

Hi all, from mobile hotspot internet ... Spectrum cut us due to fire hazards (supposedly ... they best cut my bill accordingly as well! Grrrrrrr~ I work online so this is NOT okay!). Were without power for two days. I sat in my car yesterday morning, running an extension cord (thank God the car has an AC plug) to recharge my office laptop and several other devices. I was supposed to be off today, but here I am, online, getting caught up on the work I couldn't do for two days. Needless to say, the computer is not getting turned on all weekend. So sorry to hear about your dad, trying2 ... as our parents age, it's a tough thing. My son has his grandmom (my mom) and that's it. My dad was gone before he was born and his dad's people are not in our lives. His father's mom was dead when we met and I only saw his dad at the funeral. He didn't speak to me at all, but because he hadn't seen or heard from his son in over 20 years, he was in his grief space. I didn't need to be in connection. My son doesn't connect with his grandmom, but does ask about her. He called me the other night before the power went off. It was a surprise. Oh well, off to finish this work and get off the computer. I might have a mid-day shot of whiskey to celebrate Friday ... my plan is to get as much of LH's daughter's stuff packed this weekend as possible. I'm ready to close the chapter there for sure. I was pleasantly surprised to find a shipping and packing place, right around the corner from me. I think I'll use them to get these boxes to her. Support local!

What a beautiful post, LF ... well-said. I wish I'd found this site and this board particularly before I started online dating after my LH died. Like Leadfeather, I trusted early on; I believed a lot of things I shouldn't have. I didn't do my fact-checking because my guard was down after a year or so of being a caregiver full-on for a person who'd had health conditions for the entirety of our 16 years together. I was weary. I didn't realize I was being catfished until I'd exposed myself more than I would have in other circumstances. Nothing major as it was all online; I mean, we never even really were on video together. Dude kept his screen off (should have been a flag). I sent him a photo of myself that was embarrassing looking back (not a nudie or anything but I'm not a fan of taking photos of myself anyway LOL). In the end, I discovered his antics, called him on it, and stopped communicating. He came back some time later, saying he had been angry at me because I didn't believe the malarkey he'd tried to hand me. Needless to say, that conversation ended quickly. It taught me to do my research on anyone who tried to connect with me. I checked out multiple sites and reviewed photos and profiles to see if people were portraying themselves differently on different sites (Google photo lookup was my best friend!). I set my social media profile security settings up to stop getting weird pings and messages from men who just had a few female 'friends', who didn't know anyone I knew, and who really didn't have profiles set up but tried to connect when they saw single or widowed as status. I started asking questions if anything smelled fishy: why do you say you live in [X state] but your phone number is from [Y state], why do you want to jump off the site so quick to communicate when I clearly indicated I need to know more about you, what about my profile made you want to connect when based on profile we have nothing in common ... I stopped accepting connections from people who were out of the 'local' range. For me, that meant farther than what I deemed half-way between towns. That allowed me to connect to my current BF. We texted on the site for a day and exchanged phone numbers. He called me and we talked for about an hour, during which we decided to meet for lunch and set a time and place (which he allowed me to pick) for two days later (Memorial Day, 2016). I got there early and parked so I could see the entrance. I told several friends where I was going and when to check on me; if they hadn't heard from me by a certain hour, I told them to really check on me! I saw him when he pulled up and he looked like his profile photos. We had lunch and talked for about four hours that day. We agreed to see each other that Friday and basically saw each other almost every weekend after that. We've been live-in since last February. I don't say that such connection will come for everyone, but I share my story to also say how grateful I am to have learned all I learned from those on this site and board. It helped me find love again, on my terms.

I hear you, sudnly; my son hasn't spoken to me since late February or so. Granted, that's nothing like 11 years, but I can empathize. His dad (the first husband) was a very angry and abusive man. I too had my son in counseling early on because I didn't want him to go that way as well, but he did. He has a mean streak for sure. Hoping you and your ex as a united front will help create change for your son!

sudnly -- I am so glad you made it to where you were going! I hope you are keeping a journal of all these goings on. As Captain's Wife says, you can't make this stuff up. Please be careful, even with your son. If he has the abusive streak, you don't want to get caught up. Does your son hear himself when he speaks to his wife and others? It seems some people need a wake-up call by being reminded of how they want to be treated or spoken to. Sometimes, if they hear something like 'I wonder what my boss would say if I said something that to him?', they think about it.

Ooh, trying2, am so right there with you! My love languages are acts of service (primary) and gifts (secondary) and I struggle to ask for both. What are your NG's love languages? Are you still discovering them? I know I have thought about just handing the book to BF and asking him, but I pretty much know what they are. I just struggle to action them ... Sigh. Hoping everyone has a great weekend!

Oh, no offense at all! My experience is certainly very different than most. I was taught for sure but raised isn't a word I would necessarily use I learned a lot on my own, which I wouldn't ever recommend for a little person, but looking back, I realize my own special needs didn't make it easy back then to 'raise' me ...

Hey tybec! So good to 'see' you Thank you for sharing -- it's true that the way we are brought up has such an impact, good and bad. I wonder what it is that makes some of us stick with the ways we were raised and others of us walk away from it. I didn't do the sleepover thing either and was raised by my grandmother, who was born in the late 1800s. My parents weren't into having me sleep elsewhere or having others come and sleep in our house. I was an isolated only child and still like my solitude, so am grateful that BF is a lot like that too. LH was all about being with people. It overwhelmed me sometimes; I was thinking about the time we had nearly his entire family at our place for a BBQ/reunion. My jaws clench, even after all these years. To figure out who we are, and then to figure it out again when we are with someone, and then when we lose that someone and connect with someone else to figure it out again ... whew. Thanks again, Mike; I think I need to pack the boxes to see what it really looks like. Nothing is strangely shaped; I can fit everything into a box of some sort. It might not even be enough to palletize, which is what I'm suspecting. Either way, it will work out.

Thanks, Mike -- our local store isn't quite so up-to-date. I went there to ask questions and was pointed to their freight info online. For my store, there are no services. Sigh. It's honestly likely to not be difficult to get the boxes to the store; a high estimate is eight boxes. I was hunting for the easiest way, whereby I wouldn't have to shuffle her stuff around. I've gotten myself to a place where I'm over that. I'm great at packing, so it will add to the entire catharsis of getting on with life. I'm taking several days off to get it done.

I looked at POD and some of the competitors -- they are just too large. I'll likely pack, put the boxes in my car and take them off to UPS, and let them ship. I was just hoping to pop them on a small pallet and have one shipment, rather than multiple boxes. Oh, well! I think I just struggle with the adult not finding their way thing. I left home at 18 and that was that. I had four years at college, the last two of which were in an off-campus apartment with a roommate. My parents helped, for which I am grateful. I worked crappy jobs and did what I needed to do. I can't imagine my folks saying it would be okay for me to have come back home at 20-something, to find my way. Different era I supposed; their parents weren't like that so neither were they. I had no expectations for going home, no desire to do so, no matter how dire things seemed. I guess I don't understand the 'not finding their way'. I mean, I do understand difficult circumstances; the man who does my pest control told me that his daughter came home recently. She had married and things went very bad, very quickly. She came home. If she had nowhere else to go in the immediate, I get it. But for LH's daughter, she's had more jobs at 33 than I've had in my life. It's more that she doesn't seem to want to do what's needed to get the jobs she really wants. There seems to be a lack of ability to wait and work toward something ... I likely sound like a very old woman lol! I don't know. My mom has said to me that she knows I am stubborn and likely dealt with things she can't imagine to survive over the years, instead of asking for help. She knows I'm the stubborn type

Hey trying2! Interesting, the daughter situation with your BF. I'm in the process of trying to get LH's things packed and sent to his daughter. I decided to try and get a company to pack and ship it all, but since I'm not moving a house, it's getting irritating. I don't answer the phone during the day because of work. I tell the rep's to send me the quotes via email; I have photos of what I'm sending, with measurements. They still want to talk ... lol. The one that got me was the quote I got for over $2300; it was based on a shipment for a multiple bedroom with a package weight of about 2000lb. I messaged back that I wasn't shipping a house and that my load was likely less than 300lb. The guy comes back with 'well, you don't need a mover'. I said, 'you are right -- my husband died and I'm trying to ship some things to his daughter.' I'm just about at a point where I'll tell them to leave off from messaging me. I plan to take off work at the end of the month to pack it all up. I might just load my car and go to the UPS store; I was hoping to get a small pallet and send it all as one thing, but it seems I can't do that ... because the darned load is too small for even an LTL (less-than-load) shipment. I am just ready for this part of the story to be closed. I want LH's daughter to have LH's things. I'm over hoping she'll step up to the responsibility, to pay for it actually. She said her and her mom would help, whatever that meant, but I don't even want to have all the conversation it would take. My plan is to write an encouraging note, wishing her well, when I send it. If you remember, I considered having her come and live with me three years ago. Her story was in a way similar to your BF's daughter, trying2; LH's daughter is 33 and hasn't found her way quite yet either. I know I couldn't be the one to try and help her find it. It was hard, living with her, when her dad was alive; since she's an adult, I envision her feeling like it would be okay to do whatever ... and that wouldn't work for me. We don't have the same outlook on life and it would be too stressful, for both of us. Easy she'd probably think -- living in California, no rent (she doesn't see why even her mom wanted her to contribute to the mortgage, so why would she do it here?). I just couldn't.

Hey there, Sugarbell -- that's pretty huge for NG, it seems. Since I can remember your sharing about his connection to his family, it's always been that they stuck to it. The fact that he blew up at her sounds major. Praying it is an opportunity for them to heal and mature?

Hi all -- just checking in. So BF and I will officially be pet-parents next month. We are getting a cat together. Went to see the breeder last month and it was a nice day; it took about an hour and a half or so to get there and it was just nice to be in the car. We talked and looked at the scenery. After spending time with the kitties, we found a place to eat and then drove home. We split the task with me driving down and him driving home. It made me realize how I miss date night in the way it was when we were in two different places. I suggested a movie the other week and that was nice as well. I'm thinking I'll mention that we should do it more often, even if we aren't really doing anything or going anywhere. I finished reading the 5 Love Languages book and one of the things Chapman mentions is that it takes about two years for the euphoric stage of 'in-love' to wear off. After the two years, couples have found their 'rut', meaning the adoration they had for one another where they no longer see through rose-colored glasses wears off. It's not that they've fallen out of love but reality of being together has arrived. It's at this time that people start second-guessing because we are innately expecting to stay in the euphoria. When it starts to disappear, people question whether they're with the right person, if someone better is out there. Chapman's point was that if we can grow up a bit (lol) and face that there is no perfect person, that the reality we see (she has terrible morning breath, he farts in his sleep; she's not a good cook, he never picks up the crumbs) is not new behavior but is part of who the other person always was. The question becomes, can we face that real person -- the one in the person we have coupled with as well as the one in ourselves? February will mark two years since BF and I have been under the same roof. Time flies. We are definitely in the reality stage of things. No point here, just thinking through my fingers Hoping everyone is well?

sudnly, I certainly feel you about the forgiveness issue. Our congregation just wrapped the annual communication and relationship series and as part of it, we read the Five Love Languages. There was a passage in there about forgiveness; it basically covered this very thing. Forgiveness can only occur when the other party is repentant about what they did and how it hurt us. If they aren't able to do that, we can't actually engage in the process of forgiveness; however, releasing them from our lives in prayer and allowing God to work with them is how we move forward. It sounds like that's where you might need to remain with your sister ... and from a distance at that

Well, sure Virgo, I get it. But it's also that some men move faster than women because they are excited and aren't sure what to do If you set the tone, you'll likely find and develop the relationship you're looking for.

Oh, sudnly. {{{hugs}}} and safe travels. You must get away from such a toxic environment. May you find peace with your friends! Keep us updated!

Virgo -- so sorry you haven't found that 'one' (or more LOL) that sees the greatness in you. Maybe ask them what they are looking for instead of giving advice; that way, you can show them that you are the one they're looking for

What trying2 said, tybec. And I hope my post didn't come across incorrectly. What I was meaning was that 'if you are angry, I'm angry too' ... not that I'm angry 'at' you. Words matter, as I tell my students all the time and I might have flubbed that one.

Why, tybec? My LH was 62 when he died and my son with special needs was around 19 at that time. They got along wonderfully. Age is a number; what matters is the vibe between all of you. I too am 50 and people are shocked when I tell them that. Don't close off the possibilities before you've seen who's out there

Oh, tybec .............. First, {{{{{hugs}}}}}} Second, I'm angry with you. What the hell is that? I mean, if you had an ex who was around with the children you had together and NG was trying to see you, would he have been okay? Doubt it. And so kids and dream job means that he doesn't talk to you about possibilities, to get your input, to assess how you feel too? I am so sorry, hun and hope you'll pop back in, just to say hi and let us know you're okay?

sudnly -- you are so fabulous! I love it that you Law & Order'ed your landlord LOL! It is also great to read that you have been blessed in so many other ways during the process -- the medication, the disintegration of the blood clot, and the camper? Yay, you!!!!!!!