arneal

Hey, Jen: new things are sometimes difficult to adjust to, even when they aren't that new. Maybe take time to think about your own space: what is it that you want and 1) aren't seeing in this new relationship, 2) are seeing and are surprised by, 3) like and/or love about it, 4) dislike and/or hate about it, 5) are afraid to ask for? Tough questions, yes, but necessary ...

Hi, all! So glad to see you in a new year 😍 The university where I work full-time is closed to the students for nearly two weeks at Christmas; only the adjunct faculty don't have to work but I took the time off as I had it. It was wonderful to disconnect from my laptop for that time but I have been back to the daily since Wednesday. Christmas was just another day. I don't wait to give gifts anymore; if I have the ability to give them, I do, whenever I can. BF had gotten what I planned to give him closer to Thanksgiving. We spent the day, resting, gaming, and eating. He was a bit somber after all the crap this year with his daughter and not seeing his granddaughter. He worries that she will grow to dislike him because of her mom since he isn't able to see her at all. The house phone kept ringing since my mom and others wanted to send along glad tidings. I didn't hear from my son, which is no surprise I suppose; my last conversation with him, I told him to let me know if he didn't want to talk to me. He's an adult (will be 24 in March) so if that's his decision, he'll have to be the one to live with it. It seems he's finally written me a letter that is due to be delivered today, his house mom said. Life goes on ... overall, nothing has changed for good or bad, which is fine. I don't make resolutions since stat's show that most of them are either broken or forgotten before the end of February. I do make plans though! I have gained too much weight this last year so I want to drop some of it at least. I have a neighbor-friend who had weight loss surgery (from September to December went from the low 200s to 138 or so!) and is having many health-related troubles. I am growing to enjoy cooking more and more so I can't imagine not eating what I like. It's about discipline and since BF was fussing yesterday about not fitting some of his trousers, I suspect he won't mind some culinary revisions either. Our church does a corporate fast at the start of the year so I am in the midst of that. He hasn't joined in 🤣 I also will be doing more in service with the church as a volunteer. It means I'll be out of the house more, which is good. BF will get his business going this year so he'll be busy too. I have a couple of other personal things in the works ... updates as they finalize! Be well, friends, until next time!

Hey trying2! Funny you mention beef and potatoes; that's what we had last night. BF did the beef and I did homemade mashed. I am more of a gift-giver than he is, although our first Christmas together, he went all-out. They were quite the romantic gifts, I would say. Things were bad with his daughter last year and he didn't do anything at Christmas, other than cook a little. I don't expect to get a gift this year, with him being in school and all. It is what it is. I've already mailed out my Christmas cards, sent a gift to my mom and son, have a package for my sister-friend, and put a decoration on the front door. He can be sad if he wishes; I will let him alone to do so. He's been thinking about the kids and his granddaughter lately, not sleeping well. I don't get in it. He has to work it out for himself; all I can do is be there to listen as he feels the need to talk. I try to do that as best I can without casting judgment. Yes, time does fly, doesn't it? We've had our third Thanksgiving dinner together, this will be our third Christmas, and it's been 11 months since he moved in. May will be three years since our first date.

Happy almost-birthday, tybec! Too bad we aren't close to each other -- my 50th is in February and I have no idea what I'm going to do. BF doesn't really celebrate holidays or birthdays. After so much loss and as an only child, I become a kid about it all 😆 I haven't told him but I ordered a Christmas dinner for us from the same company I got our Thanksgiving lamb. It will be interesting to see what he thinks.

Congrat's to both of you, LF and Rob!!!

So glad to hear, Julester!!!

Agreed on the green beans, sudnlysngl! Casserole, nope 😅 Not getting any younger, how true that is! LOL! Oh, and it was my LHs uncle, not BFs. It was one of those moments where I was getting calls from the people I am still connected to while his BFs phone was quiet. I felt bad about that. I have been thinking about the conversation more and more, not from the social media standpoint necessarily but for real life purposes. We are each other's emergency contact and since he is about to go into business for himself, he will have to decide a succession plan and so forth more I think than I do. I have a standard insurance and retirement through work and can assign beneficiaries but because of real property, I will need to update my will. If he's going to stick around, I have no problem putting him in there. If not, I'll be one of those folks who says sell everything and leave part to my son, my dogs, and my church 😂

Hello, everyone! How were your Thanksgiving exploits? I just finished a survey for the place where I got some of our food (I ordered a meat sampler from Honeybaked and the turkey was absolutely horrid. When you can't even make a decent turkey salad out of it after, you know there's a problem 😅). It was quiet with just the two of us. My family members called and my phone was pinging with texts and social media messages all day. I got a message that one of LHs uncles died the day before Thanksgiving so I was on the phone with two of his cousins, talking about that and catching up. BF was quiet and reflective for part of the day since it was last Thanksgiving that things started on the serious downslope with his daughter. I felt bad for him about that but we made a good day out of it. A while ago in this thread we talked about, for lack of a better way of putting it, public recognition of the relationship and what that means. For example, I have no relationship status on social media and his still says divorced. I haven't mentioned it. However, my mom sent him something for his birthday and she told me yesterday that she sent addressed her Christmas gift to both of us. My one friend who is like a sister (we call each other that) calls him her brother. LHs one cousin asks about him all the time. When my uncle texted me on Thanksgiving, he even said 'kiss your guy' in his well-wishes. I've thought about saying something to him about while my people are not his family, they include him as such. I don't put myself in a position to connect to a lot of my family but he misses those sorts of connections. I think that sort of recognition, of acceptance by the people who are in our lives, is much more meaningful than social media publication 😉

Virgo -- good for you!!! Note that it may help for you to tell him you don't know. That is a perfectly legit answer, especially when put into context with the other conversations you've had. And being open to recognizing how the word 'comfortable' makes him feel but explaining as Leadfeather so eloquently put it, that comfort is vital for those who have lost a piece of their heart to death might help.

Hoping the food comas are not too serious and that we can connect after! May the day (and weekend) be wonderful for each of you and your families!

Love your post, Forgottenwife -- while there will be no one here for you to put in correction, I'd love to see it all in action! Maybe we need to create our own tradition and come together ... show those folks how it's done. Thanksgiving potluck with you all sounds wonderful 💗

tryin2 -- you might drop a gentle hint to your brother ... search the cavity for gibblets, thaw and wash before cooking 😃 There is a gentleman who is essentially dealing with homelessness that I know because of LH; this man lives in a little 'apartment' behind a country store. The people who run the store sort of look out for him but do more complaining about him than anything else. They care but not as though he were family, even though he thinks of them as family. I will take him a plate on Thanksgiving afternoon; I gave him a lot of LH's clothes to keep and share with the other 'transient' men who come through and might need something. I still go by and check on him. He's a good guy. That right there is one of the main reasons I've stepped back, big time, from social media. I can't deal with negativity these days, have very little patience for it ... Great questions here: I would be inclined to say that they don't act that way because they know they can get away with it; you and your BIL (their other son?) tell them but it matters not. They choose this way of being. Their being bigoted, biased, and opinionated -- due to their age? nah, I think that is a cop-out for many. I know plenty of open-minded people in that age range; they have seen enough of the world to know that there are people who think differently than they do and have come to a place of accepting that is okay. I tend to think that part of that is who we are as people and what we believe in. As a Christ-follower, I prefer to present things in a way to let people know when they are out of line while showing them a different way. If they are not open to that, as the scriptures say, I shake the dust from my feet. Maybe it's the only child in me, not having folks around much, or maybe it's that along with being very much like my dad; my mom once said that she knows I have had hard times but like my dad, would suffer through, never tell a soul, and handle it myself. My son never desired to go to college so I never had to consider what that would have been like. I have an associate who is a divorcee; she is practically killing herself to pay for her son's undergrad because she says she doesn't want him to have loans like she did. I get that, but it has been to the detriment of her health as her son seems like he's on top of the world without a care. Had mine wanted to go, it would have been right when LH was sickest. My son would have had to pray for grants and loans. I was not working full-time while I took care of LH, so my son would have had to find his own way, anyhow. Long story short, since I haven't had any experiences like that with anyone doing for my son, I can't imagine it. From this side of things, it is very easy for me to say I would walk away from in-laws after a while if they seemed not interested in engaging differently with the world around them. If those in-laws covered my son's schooling, he'd have to figure out how to get it done without them. Again, it is easy to say for me since my son is probably very different from your kids. Part of his special needs that drive me batty is that he is very selfish. He often has to be reminded to say 'thank you' for the basics, which is why it isn't tough for me to say here that something like that, he wouldn't appreciate enough for me to even let anyone do that for him. tybec: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am at a loss, honey. It has been said that some men have a very singular focus. I get that. BF's oldest daughter's birthday was recent; he hasn't even seen her in more years than he can count almost. The first year we were 'together', he pretty much vanished the week before Thanksgiving; I could't get him on the phone, nothing. The depression and sadness were real. The second year, it wasn't quite as bad, but still tough. We are in the same house this year; we talk, I let him alone ... he gets up early because it is a lot on his mind ... his kids, his exes and others in his family who aren't around. It doesn't sound like your NG can take his eyes off the issues with his children and wow, is that tough for you ... I am glad you have made other plans. You might consider doing that more, just for your own peace.

You are welcome -- come on over! It's just the two of us I wanted something different for the day itself (and since it is more than likely that deer was on the platter at some of those early meals, we're a lot closer to the spirit of the thing with lamb lol) but to go along with tradition, we need to also have turkey and other 'typical' stuff for the weekend. After all, nothing like a turkey sandwich the day after!

trying2 -- I guess I am confused a bit by your post. Please do not feel obligated in any way to reply here ... If your LH and others feel these inlaws are meddlesome, if your kids really don't dig them like that, and if you feel you are 'the glue', it sounds like you are forcing the relationships to continue. If after the death of their son, these people are judgy toward you, that's their problem. You have, based on this, done above and beyond what anyone could possibly imagine to maintain a good connection to them. If their own kids tippy toe around them, none of that sounds healthy for any involved. Sure, they are your kids' only grandparents, but if the kids themselves aren't particularly enthused, what can you do? Sure, your kids are your inlaws' only grandkids, but if they are judgy, what can you do? Your kids could resent you for making them deal with people that cause them more discomfort. If they don't do anything positive for you (emotionally, spiritually, physically -- not to be shallow there, but some people do stay connected because inlaws pay some bills, rent or mortgage, or hold other financial power) and they make you feel like you can't be you, what's the positive side overall? I have known people who deal with what you are dealing with from inlaws because of that physical connection -- the inlaws threaten to take away inheritance from grandkids, they say they will stop helping with school bills for them, they say they will stop helping with rent or mortgage or cars or whatever the deceased was handling and because of their connection to him or her they took up paying. One person I know had a big row with her kids because the inlaws said they would stop paying school tuition; the person did not have the ability to pay on her own so she said that the kids could either work to stay there or go to another school she could afford to help with (key words there: help with ... not pay for them). They didn't like that and wanted grandmom and grandpop to keep paying. Their mom told them then they needed to work out whether they could also live with grandparents. As it turned out, the grandparents were not that into these kids and said no. The kids then realized what was going on and came alongside their mom. All that is blackmail. Sure, it's easy to get comfy with someone else handling financial responsibility, but it doesn't help those kids and it doesn't help the widowed spouse move on and take up life either. If your kids are old enough to decide how they want to engage their grandparents, maybe talk with them as adults or young adults to find out what they think about you moving on. It is not your responsibility to keep your LH alive for his parents. Yes, it is horrible to lose a child. It is horrible to lose a spouse. If they aren't allowing you to move on with your life because they want to stay where they are with healing, it isn't your responsibility to do what is unhealthy for you. Sorry for the rant, but I am so hurt that you have to deal with this. I get it -- my LH's family thinks I am sitting here, wringing my hands. I think his daughter was thinking the same, but has since figured out I've moved on. None of them were here with us when he was sick. They do not have the right to tell me how to live. They don't know what our conversations were, what he wanted for me, and if I told them, they probably wouldn't believe me. I can't carry that for them. If they decide to dislike me for it, so be it. That's between them and the Creator. Exhale ... To your question about Thanksgiving: I sort of cheated, in that I ordered my meat online this year. I have two racks of lamb to cook plus a creme brulee cheesecake. I also got the meat trio (turkey breast, ham, and prime rib) from Honeybaked. I am still deciding on sides lol -- but the carnivore in BF and I will be satisfied. My son may or may not call me. I am sure my mom will. I have two of LH's cousins who are like family to me who will probably call that day. I am off work Thursday and Friday (maybe a part day on Wednesday) and am looking forward to doing as little as possible, work wise, until Monday. I already gave BF and my mom their Christmas gifts because I've come to a place that if I can do it now, why wait since no moment is promised. Between this weekend and next, I plan to get my son a gift and send it so I don't have to deal with him calling and acting all nonchalant next month when his reason for doing so is to (in his mind ... the mind of a special needs guy) 'butter' me up for Christmas ... Hope everyone will do something to make this holiday season grand ...

Agreed, tybec; it isn't wrong at all. Based on trying2's description, it sounds like former in-laws are judgy. That sets a tough precedent for engagement. I don't do well with that, personally, and prefer not to be around such folks at all myself. Having a special needs son has made me very sensitive to judgmental attitudes. There were people I didn't take him around when LH and I lived near family. I refuse to have my feelings hurt because they are picking on him behind his back sort of thing, or treating us weird because they don't understand special needs. I remember too when LH and I first were dating; one of his cousins stopped being interested in talking to me because I wouldn't dish gossip and negativity with her about LH's ex. Not my kind of conversation; even if I wasn't all that fond of her because of her antics, I will respect LH and his daughter and not talk about his ex/her mom, you know? Bottom line for us all: protect self, protect children, protect other loved ones. If the former in-laws are still part of life, some ground rules need to happen. Such may involve a conversation with NG to give him context, a second conversation with former in-laws, and then have them together ... just a thought.

Hey there, trying2: I guess the question is, do you want to stay connected to these in-laws? Can you go to both? Can you have a conversation with NG, explaining that you don't want to expose him to some madness? Then the question becomes if NG is someone who you plan to have in your life, do you move forward and create family with him in a way that either includes these former in-laws (where you all sit down and lay out the ground rules, like telling them not to judge you or anyone in your life and preparing NG for their attitude just in case) or keeping those two parts of your life separate, where you do things with former in-laws and do other things with NG? That second option doesn't sound like a great foundation to me. I have to say that I may not be asking the right questions since the first husband was estranged from his dad and his mom was dead. I walked away from his remaining family at his death because they knew him as a very different person than I did; I didn't feel it was right for me to possibly cloud their feelings about him after he was dead. We lived with LH's dad for a while; his mom was dead when we met and his dad died the year before we married. I am still connected to some of his family but have only told a couple of them about NG. Those where the ones I felt closest to. The others I haven't said anything to about him because I just don't think it's necessary at this point. We don't live in the same state, they aren't responsible for me in any way, so there's that. If you have some connection to these folks still, beyond sentiment and shared memories, only you can know what is the right way to proceed. The bottom line is, be happy and do what is best for you and your household ...

Hey trying2! So glad to hear that it went well. Yes, fitting in like a bro but knowing you were there as girlfriend. Very important! This will be our third Thanksgiving in each other's presence. I am blown away at how quickly the time has gone. First year I invited him here, last year was at his place (I brought a couple things over -- it didn't go quite the way he'd hoped but I think it was good), and this year, it will be here with us together. Amazing ...

Virgo -- it early on. If you decide to be in relationship, you also have to decide if you are 'all in'. Doing so means you are willing to fight alongside him. If not, keep it casual and stay out of all that. Better to be clear on it than give NG the impression you want to be all in if you don't ...

Thanks for updating, Virgo -- hoping you are well! Seems there is a pattern with our divorcees, huh. So many issues to work through that are different than widow(ers), but issues nonetheless. I think about the amount of time my LH had issues with his ex ... she was a handful almost up until he died. And you figure they'd already been apart about 11 or 12 years when he and I first met. Sometimes people are forced to carry the baggage rather than choosing to -- LH dealt with her because he wanted to be in his daughter's life. He and I fought the madness together (him at the forefront, me in the background).

Hi, all! Wow. November -- where has the time gone??? It has been nearly nine months since BF moved in. We are settled into a routine for the most part. He seems to see this space as home, even though he doesn't use that term often. He is in school and is more relaxed than I've ever seen him. We are coming up on three years of knowing one another in May 2019. Come the new year, he will be in good position to start his own business. It's good to see. He is mapping out the things he needs to do in preparation and the school where he is taking his classes helps with a lot of that. Having run a small business with LH, I toss in ideas from time to time of things he'll need to think about and resources he might consider. Since he's doing all this planning, the time draws near to talk about what the future looks like for us ... Hoping you all are well?

Oh, Redhead {{{hugs}}} To echo what others have already said, you must heal yourself first. Your kids, teens or not, need you. While being alone (as in, not coupled) is hard sometimes, you can do this. You must. I have always been a bit handy (not necessarily correctly and am known to quickly use the incorrect tool that is most convenient instead of hunting for the correct one ...) but became more so after my second husband died. I budgeted and hired for the things I couldn't do. I have shared I think elsewhere that after the first husband died, my (married) nextdoor neighbor offered to mow the lawn, which was a sad patch of grass in the back and a few blades out front that I could probably have cut with a pair of scissors in three minutes had I been of a mind to do so. I said sure since it was one less thing I needed to concern myself with as I recovered from an abusive marriage, the sudden death of the abuser, and suddenly being a single parent. I soon noticed though that he'd stopped doing the yard. No biggie as I was able to use a weed wacker to do it myself (the first husband and I never had a mower anyway). Another neighbor down the street told me the man had stopped mowing because I hadn't invited him in for lemonade, and waggled his eyebrows. The dude was only doing it to get near me. I was oblivious. He was married. What??? Yeah. Nothing came of it because I was never that kind. Fast forward to my second marriage. LH had health issues that took him. My son was out of the house, which made it easier for me to become more proficient in homeownership and quick. I share a bit of my story here to encourage you, Redhead. Do this for yourself. Do not depend on someone to be in your life because you miss having that person (someone ...) next to you. You deserve so much more.

0.o sudnlysngl, so sorry you've been through that! Not an unfamiliar story, sad to say.

SW -- good for you! Take it slow ... don't overthink it ... how many stories do we hear of people who have been divorced for years that are still emotionally connected to the ex? Recent or not, see where it goes with divorced guy 😉 (from someone coming up on three years and living with for the past almost nine months with a guy who was separated and didn't get the final on the divorce until six months after the first date)!

Thanks, trying2 ... I think my son is in that space; he thinks he is right about everything and that nothing anyone else says means as much as what he thinks. Unfortunately, as I tell him, his actions can get him into trouble. His house mom is interesting in that she's told me to live my life, that I've done my part. She has had young (and not so young!) men with special needs in her care whose family members refuse to have contact; they don't even check in. I can't imagine. I have no problems parenting from a distance. Maybe it's being an only who did the single parent thing when the first husband died (too busy surviving to be soft?) and also having no other children. I struggle because I have such a critical eye. I have a co-worker (also work from anywhere, so I am glad I don't have to be in an office every day with her, sad to say) who has an adult daughter. We have been on conference calls and I hear the daughter in the background. If my adult child ever took that tone with me, the conversation would have gone very differently. Love that you are able to share the way you've done this vacation, trying2. Over our time together, BF and I haven't done too much getting away and the when we have, it's been my idea and plan. Right now, with him in school, the farthest we are going is to the grocery store and that not too often lol! Kidding aside, the time for a commitment conversation is looming. I have no problems helping as he does this; it's good to see him out of the stressful work environ. But I am not going to be one of those people whose partner finds their way and then goes on their way. Of course, I know there are no guarantees in anything. I have had my conversations with God; my prayer is 1) if marriage is in our future, let it be known; 2) if not, let that be known; 3) if we aren't meant to continue walking this path together, let it be a kind parting in which neither of us feels lessened by it. We'll see what transpires. This Thanksgiving will be our third and our first under the same roof. Time sure flies.

Right on the holiday time, tybec -- I've been working seven day work weeks right now as I picked up two classes; if I don't, the grading gets too far behind. Sigh. I haven't been to my volunteer for two Saturdays in a row now, but fortunately, the one class just ended so I should be back to normal with just the one class. Glad to hear that you are able to talk to your guy about all this. What a tough thing! My LH had a troublesome ex and we were in court often; he was already health-challenged and so didn't have assets to sell or whatever for all that. She (and subsequently his daughter) were about the $$$, wanting expensive things in some cases or just spending on what I have always seen as frivolous (hair, nails ... I mean, if you don't work a job that supports all that above and beyond being able to take care of your day to day expenses, then it's out). He did his best to contribute to things like high school trips or prom but never sprung for vacations. He (and then we) worked too hard for too little and didn't vacation at all, really. Even when we moved to CA, we rarely took vacations after a while. We had a time share for a bit but after his health declined even more, that was out. Plus there was less income in the house to support it so it had to go. I can't imagine mortgaging my home for those sorts of things as I'd feel like I was 'buying' my relatives and children. Not to be overly harsh and I hope it doesn't come off that way ... just describing my mind set. I just had a conversation with my son over the weekend. As I think I've mentioned, he is on the autism spectrum but is 23 years old and lives in semi-independent living now. I had to tell him that if he wants to be treated like a man, he must act like one; if he had issues with me, he was grown and could say so; if he didn't want me in his life or something, he needed to say so. I explained that I love him as my one and only child, but that I wasn't here to be a bother in his life. He panicked and said he loved me and that he definitely wanted me in his life. I don't take any crap from him and despite being my only son, I know he is cared for. His house mom keeps me updated and I know he's safe. I am not going to beg for anything from him, especially as an adult. I made sure he has always known who is the Alpha (parent). I used to tell him that no matter how old he got, I would always be Mom. I know not everyone has that kind of relationship with their children, but as an only child, my parents didn't coddle me in any way. They were tough!!! I guess I got it naturally ... sigh.