arneal

Best to you as well, Toosoon -- totally get the long distance move thing. I still have flashbacks about driving from the east coast to California; 3,000 miles in vehicles with no air conditioning (well, the one LH drove didn't have it so in solidarity, I drove without it as well) across the Mojave ... whew!

Enjoy your time with your sister, sudnly! Moving so sucks. After the first husband died, I moved from PA back to NJ by myself. The only thing I hired movers for was the big stuff, like my couches and so on. The rest? What I didn't throw away I boxed and piled up in the front room. I bought a new bed and dining room set that was delivered to the new place on a Friday. I rented a U-Haul from near the new place and left my car parked there. I drove the truck to the old house, loaded it to the back step, drove to the new place and unloaded everything, returned the truck, picked up my car, went and bought a TV for my bedroom and some dinner, went back to the new place and sacked out! You can do it. You don't need help. And if you do need help, you can get it. Don't let it drag you down, sis. You got this. Know we are cheering for you here and if we were all closer, we'd be right there to help!

Oh my goodness, sudnly -- yeah, what StillWidowed said -- let's go go go and get out!

Oh man, sudnly ... that is insane. I lived in an apartment with my first real college roommate; have I ever told that story? When I started dating the first husband, she got weird; it was like she was sad that I'd found someone. She moved out without even telling me. She wouldn't answer letters and even though I found her some time later on our alma mater's website, she didn't answer email. Anyway, the apartment was a nightmare. The first husband moved in after she moved out and we lived there until just after my son was born. I couldn't even think about raising him in that place. So, the tub would back up if you ran water in the kitchen; it wasn't typical, in that you'd see soapsuds like from washing the dishes. It would wash up junk from the downstairs neighbor's kitchen. Seriously. The woman downstairs cooked southern food. I didn't. There was no other explanation for collard greens to be washing up in my tub. The landlord insisted that gravity would prevent that from happening. However, where we lived was the top floor of two -- one family downstairs and us upstairs. No other explanation. Plus, I could smell everything she cooked. One of the exterior windows fell off. I heard this crash one day and when I looked, the storm window and frame was gone, laying on the ground. Ugh. I bought a house in a different state after that and had insane neighbors. The first husband couldn't get a job in that state; the people were very negative towards diverse communities, so we didn't fit in. I commuted like 50 miles one way a day. I learned to be careful what I asked for! I hope you get it resolved, without too much hassle. I hope your next chapter in this journey is amazing!

RAM!!!!!!!!!!!! So, as a faculty member who teaches both master's and doctoral students, I AM SCREAMING for you right now. I love to see people continue along the educational path; as one who hated school all the way through a master's degree and didn't gain a love for it until my doctoral program, I am so happy for people. You deserve all the happiness in the world! sudnly -- you know from my other thread how I feel. You GO GIRL!!! Yes, too old to be young and too young to be old. Perfectly sums it up. Many blessing s and I can't wait to hear of your adventures!

Wow, sudnly, I haven't read the update but want to now ... I couldn't find it though! Praying the best for you!

Hi, all! I've managed to find my way home after a week and a half or so of wandering 😂 BF picked me up from the airport and here we are, back in stride again, as Frankie Beverly would sing. Yesterday was his birthday and I promised to make lamb chops -- they were fabulous, if I do say so myself. I got him an interesting and creative gift, which won't arrive until August or September. He's itching to know what it is, but I'm not telling LOL. On another note, I got this article from my AARP 'Girlfriends' newsletter. While most of us here are working out commitment rather than being married again, I think some of the signs on the list are familiar LOL! Hope it makes you smile like it made me smile! Have a great day everyone and I hope you and your beloveds are doing well!

No need to feel bad, StillWidowed. Since we do live under the same roof, to me we've grown together and I don't feel as needy/weird as I did when we were just dating. I needed to get an understanding of who both of us were as a 'couple'. It's now been three years and I know who he is in this space and what he needs and who I am in this space and what I need. I don't need to hear from him every day, when I'm here serving my students. He is building his business and doesn't need to hear from me. We both have home offices and in the morning will say, Okay, I'm about to commute -- from the family room to our respective offices. And then we may not see each other, except during trips to the bathroom or to get a snack and then not see each other until dinner. And we're both home. Like Bunny said, two different personality types. I am definitely a solitary type and so is BF. In that way, we complement each other. I think there's also our experiences. The first husband didn't trust me to even go to work (the abusive one) while my second husband had a wife who didn't trust him. I never want to go through that again and I don't want to be perceived as being like that. I let BF be him and have his space and I have mine. It's comfortable for me and for him. It's one of the best spaces I've been in, relationship-wise.

It's like fairlanegirl said: we are all different. I've never EVER had anyone call me or check on me everyday. I've never EVER called or checked on someone everyday -- well, of course when LH was sick, that's different as I didn't travel ... And then there was that time last year when BF and his daughter had their falling out when we didn't talk for almost a week; that was before we lived together and I found myself texting every day. By Thursday or Friday, since I didn't know what was going on, I felt frantic. I didn't like that as it wasn't 'me'. I felt insecure and needy since, like I said, the everyday thing wasn't me. When LH was healthy and I was away for work? It was a normal occurrence if a day would go by and we didn't connect. I was working. He was working. Maybe it's because LH and I were only children that it seemed normal not to talk to someone everyday. I checked my phone just before leaving for first session this morning; BF had messaged me. I answered. We didn't message yesterday, so one day in between, really -- like I said, connected on Sunday when I got settled, couple messages on Monday. Who knows? We may or may not connect tomorrow. It's okay. I have a jam-packed schedule when I'm here. I'll certainly reach out on Friday before I head out for my next flight and will connect after I get settled at my mom's. It's not like I got here early Sunday and neither of us reached out at all and now it's Friday or something. A day or two to me follows the old adage -- absence makes the heart grow fonder

Hi, all! Traveling for work since Sunday and will head to see my mom for a couple days at the end of this time. I met a new colleague while here -- it's interesting how we have those divine appointments sometimes. First, one colleague, when she found out I was coming, said she would host me at her house the first night here. I arrived and checked into the hotel, dropped my stuff off and took a small bag, and went to her place. I met her husband, her dog, and their three birds! She had made enough food for an army and had invited several others who live in the area; in all, we were seven. I didn't go to bed until nearly midnight on Sunday night. She'd given me the guest room, shown me where the office was where I could set up my computer. I had my own bathroom to use. In the morning, we sat and had coffee, then she drove us to the worksite and dropped me off. Then yesterday, I had the opportunity to talk with this new colleague. She and I ended up sharing our various relationship sagas ... she had a controlling first husband whom she divorced and now is married to a great guy; between the two of them, they have eight children, including a set of twins. They worked to get the first few through college and now those who are finished are working to help their siblings through college. I was in awe! Anyway, she said she's raised her daughters to be independent -- to remember that if you need a man, you're in it for the wrong reasons. If you'd like a man in your life, that's different. We talked about not wanting to get into other relationships after our first marriages but that evidently, God had other plans; here she was, remarried with eight children, who all seemed to be doing very well! Here I am, solid in my thing after having had two marriages. What it came down to for me was about getting comfortable in our own skin. Knowing what we want, what we will put up with, what we will not. I freaked BF out a bit before I left. I got my will and that stuff finished; when I told him, he said 'you are talking about dying'. I said yes, I was, because tomorrow's aren't promised. I was preparing to get on a plane, followed by time on several other planes. What if I didn't come home? And then I left and other than sending him a couple messages (Sunday to let him know I landed and was on my way to my friend's house and a couple on Monday), we've not been in touch. I'll reach out before I leave on Friday and of course will respond if he messages me. And that's just how it is. Life is what we make of it, right? Enjoy it. Be happy, whatever that looks like.

Hey tybec -- glad to hear you are doing okay. Your post here about the birthday reminds me of this guy I ... how does one say tastefully? ... spent a bit of time with after the first husband died. I was lonely and after the ways the first husband talked to me about myself, I was seeking affirmation as a woman. I saw this guy sort of frequently as he lived upstairs from my mom at the time. We'd talk, I thought he was cute, there seemed some attraction. We spent time alone sometimes and looking back, I was that total booty call. Anyway, one day I was driving somewhere and saw him out fishing with this woman. It hit me like a ton of bricks: my mind flashed to those times when he'd call me to say he was at his daughter's house or at friend's and he was on his way home, could he stop by. It was always under cover of darkness that he'd look me up. Yet, here he was, out fishing with this woman in broad daylight where anyone driving by the creek could see. Never me. We never once went on a date. I was SO angry. Not at him but at myself. I stopped answering his calls. If I did pick up by accident, I was always busy. When I'd go see my mom and he'd try to talk to me, I would ignore him, but politely. One evening we ended up talking and he pulled out a gun, acted like I was supposed to be scared; I was again furious -- I'd told him the first husband had been abusive and in that moment, I realized he hadn't heard me at all. I looked him in the eye and said to him, 'Is that supposed to scare me? You obviously don't know what I've been through. I owned two guns, both bigger than that, before they got stolen. Gimme a break'. He was shook up bad. He would try to talk to me but I'd moved on. I met LH soon after that. They knew each other. This guy even approached LH once (well before we married) and told him that he'd stolen 'his girl'. That's how I found out they knew each other -- LH told me the guy had stepped to him and I busted out laughing at first, then told him that we'd seen each other a few times, that he lived upstairs from my mom, but never EVER acted like he wanted to actually date. So um, no. I wasn't 'his' anything. After LH and I married and I bought a house, I saw the dude at the store. He'd changed a lot. We had a good chat and I told LH when I got home. We laughed about it -- snooze you lose sort of thing. I connected to the guy for a while on social media; quite a few people I knew were connected to him as well (small town life) but I was on the other side of the country. Last year when I was cleaning up my contacts, I deleted him in the group of people who either never posted anything to me or whose feeds were just not interesting to me. Haven't heard from him since. I'm due to go back and see my mom in about a week; it would be weird running into him, but whatever. Point is, no amount of loneliness is worth our ... worth. You are important, tybec. If he couldn't see that, his loss. He snoozed and lost.

tybec. ... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You have been there, in that city, for a bit. You got this. No need for fear. However, fear is normal. This house had been home for several years (nearly seven) before LH died. After he died, I was afraid. I was afraid to go outside, afraid that I'd die out there, that no one would know, that my dogs would be alone. But then I got myself in check. I know that my Creator did not give me a spirit of fear, but a sound mind. You have that too. Of all the things you've shared with us here, one thing stands out: you are strong. Have a good cry. Maybe buy yourself something nice to eat -- hell, go out to dinner. Or a show. Or a show and dinner. Dress up and whistle at yourself in the mirror before you go out. And then take care of yourself. You. Got. This. And we are here for you.

Hey there Sugarbell -- sounds like if you haven't had the conversation about family dynamic, it may be time. Maybe NG doesn't realize how different life is for other people. Our norms are just that, aren't they. Hard to see other ways of life sometimes unless it's presented to us. My son never interacted with BF's children and since they are not dealing with BF at all right now (talk about a mess), it's a non-issue. Emotionally complicated but without the human element ... sigh.

Totally get it, sudnly. I think something that just jumped out at me as I read your post and in thinking about the latest bit of thread here on 'what is enough' (as in, are people getting what they need out of current connections? are people settling?) is that we must be reminded to take care of ourselves. Yes, signif's are great. Companionship is great. But in the end, are we caring for ourselves? Do we know what that means? After LH died, it was me, two dogs, one cat, and some fish in this house. Every time I went to the store, one of the dogs acted like it was the end of everything -- she was afraid like the other humans, I too would leave and not come back. I spent most of my time, trying to reassure her as I navigated the otherwise empty-of-humans life. If you all remember, I was considering having LHs daughter come and live with me. I can only imagine how difficult that would have been! I haven't heard from her in more than a year or so. Her junk is still in my garage cabinet. I've put in my end-of-life paperwork that she is to get her dad's drums should she still want them. However, if life takes me and BF in a new direction and I sell this house, I will probably let her know I will donate his drums to the church and that the stuff she left is getting tossed. I'll send her a box with some smaller items (that I can afford to send) and that will be that. We likely have all been in position to comfort others while we ourselves need comforting. To be the strong ones. Your comment about 'having the death bug' made me think about that. I mean, if we've experienced the death of a close loved one -- and if we've been a caregiver on top of that -- what other bug are we to have? It's like we can't win: either we've moved on too quickly or we're stuck in 'death bug' mode. There's no middle ground for those on the outside. It's hard to get off that train and we often end up on the outs with everyone who doesn't think like we do, but for me, it's been a peace of mind to do so ...

sudnlysngl -- I am so sorry about what you are going through! The loss of a beloved family member -- a four legged, loyal one! -- on top of a bratty adult kid? {{{hugs}}} I can't remember if I posted here about my son; he sent me a letter early in March which was actually designed to get my attention just before his birthday. He does crap like that every year at birthday and Christmas. However this time, he slid in a bit of what he would probably identify as a reprimand. I was reminding him about good behaviors and things he shouldn't do, and the fact that I'd been fussing about the same crap since he was about 12 (he turned 24 this year) and he tuned me out. In the letter, he mentioned how 'he was being taught' (at his care mom's) to not respond to people who yell; he indicated he wasn't being disrespectful, but since I was yelling, he just didn't respond. I was so irritated. I wrote back and in no uncertain terms reminded him of the years we'd tried to teach him how to handle his anger and that I hadn't been yelling -- that I'd been reminding him of how he should have been conducting himself out in the world. I let him know it was okay though and wished him well. I then had a text conversation with his care mom; told her I wasn't going to reach out to him for his birthday since that was the whole motive behind his contact anyway, that I'd send something later on. I waited and he didn't call or write again. Mother's Day came and went, nothing. I sent his care mom a store debit card for him, told her to please use it for his needs as she saw fit, and she didn't even need to tell him I'd sent it. I mentioned the coldness of him not calling on Mother's Day and that it spoke volumes. She told me that he'd said he had called, so on top of everything, he lied about it. I am so done with that young man. I pray the best for him but am weary of his shenanigans. I told him the last time we actually talked that he could be honest and tell me if he didn't want to deal with me. He of course said it was nothing like that, but his actions speak volumes. I keep in contact with his care mom to make sure he's doing okay, but beyond that, I stay away. I am the one in this relationship that has all her own 'stuff' -- I get all sorts of boxes in the mail since I belong to several monthly services (if you like notebooks and pens, Scribedelivery is marvelous!! I just tried Trunk Club as well, after being a StitchFix fan for a few years). I am on the phone here and there with friends or 'family' (beyond my mom, the 'family' are actually LHs cousins -- the two who stay in touch), like a gentleman who used to shop in the music store where LH worked when we lived back east; he still calls to check on me around each holiday. He called this morning. I go to church and serve there on different ministries. I chat with people in the local stores because I've lived here long enough to know them in a friendly way (LH would be so glad to see me doing that since I would never talk to people when we were out -- that was always his thing). I go to my gym. I stand outside and talk to the neighbors. I built a life before BF and since we are here, rather than me having moved to where he was and not knowing anyone or something like that, or us having moved somewhere where neither of us knew anyone ... I'm gonna keep on keeping on. I don't expect him to come or do what I do. If he chooses to, great! If not, his loss Today is the third anniversary of BF and my first date. Amazing how time flies. I've spent the last couple days, doing next to nothing, since I need to rest my arm a bit (subcutaneous cyst near a nerve ... considering that I work online, I have to get some rest in there when I can). No plans for the day, other than to cook some ribs, watch TV, and play video games. We just had a good laugh about anniversary flowers; he was going to buy me a bouquet but came to tell me instead because of a joke we've had over these years about flowers. He's doing his thing and I'm doing mine. And that's okay. I hope you all have a wonderful day and week!

Wow. Not 'she went over to cook dinner at his house so they could spend some time together' -- everyone has to eat, right? But cut his grass? No way. When BF was moving, he was still working for someone else. He gave me a key to the apartment; I had a much more flexible schedule so I went over a couple times and did some packing and cleaning before he got there after work. He would bring takeout, we would work into the evening, and would talk through the day. I think that's the closest I got to 'cutting his grass' ... but most of that time was mine. Since I had a key, I came and went as I pleased, did as much or as little as I felt, or didn't go at all.

How timely -- Just got an email for this TED talk about healthy and unhealthy love ...

Thanks, sudnly And yes, Bunny -- like I shared about my mom and her companion; they are very happy in their own spaces, spending time together and going to their own when they annoy each other LOL. It's more than booty call as well. There is commitment and certainly a ton of compromise!

Happy Monday all: I wonder if some of this goes back to communication. I mean, might our signif's struggle to say what's on their heart too? It's got to be hard to be on the 'receiving end' of a widow or widower. Not knowing what to say sometimes, not realizing perhaps that the thing they take for granted is something that we struggle with ... Not that it's anything as big as spending time or marriage, but BF and I once had a conversation about something I'd cooked that he didn't like. He made this sort of suggestion about it and I said straight out for him to tell me if he didn't like it and I wouldn't make it again. No muss, no fuss for me -- I just need to know. He replied that he was so thankful to have someone cook for him that he didn't want to mess it up 😂 Bottom line, how can we be clear, how can we invite our signif to be clear, and get to a place where it works? Nothing in life is perfect. No one should expect to get everything they want. Relationship must involve a meeting of the hearts and minds. Call it compromise but in the end, it's agreeing to what is optimal for all, especially where children are involved. On the family issue. I think about LH. He had a big ol' family. Our agreeing what was optimal was that we'd host the family get-together at our house because we had the biggest yard at the time in a centrally located spot. The house was teeny and I was about to loose all my cookies around all those people, many of whom had never met me. Some of them lived nearby so we did see them much more than I ever saw my family. To top it off, LH had to work that night, which meant I got 'stuck' there with everybody! His aunties and cousins helped me clean up and many people were still there when he got home around 12:30am. He was overjoyed while I was wiped out. But it was okay. I got used to being around them -- and dealing with the ones I didn't like so much and who didn't like me. My son had a family where he likely wouldn't have otherwise. If we'd had a chance to live on one of their properties, had they had it like that, I likely would have agreed to make LH happy. So my son would have had some land to roam on and 'cousins' to learn from. Would I have grown to love it? Nope. I'm an only child and appreciate not being around a lot of family. Reunions freak me out because it's too many people LOL. But the benefits for my son and husband would have outweighed my discomfort, particularly if it was the deciding factor in us being able to be together. However, I always had boundaries with his family, which is why some of them didn't deal with me, even when we were right there together.

Interesting, Julester (and all) how different places can be. LH and I lived together, despite his having a custody agreement about his daughter. It mattered not. That was in NJ, quite a few years back now. Maybe things are different. I never thought about it, having been widowed from my son's dad before LH and I got together. The things you don't know until dealing with them, right?

Amen, Sugarbell. My mom, who has been widowed for 25 years this coming December, has her own home. Her 'companion' (what do you call a partner who is about to be 76? Boyfriend seems weird if the people are over 30 to me ... but I digress) has his own home. Mom got wind of someone in his family making a comment once about her being interested in him for his money and that did it for her. She will never move in on a full-time basis, as in give up her house. When they get cranky at each other, they go to their own houses. He lived with his previous partner for about 25 years and then she took ill and died. He I think was married once to his children's mother. They do what they do as retired folks with health issues. They care deeply for one another and are a dedicated couple. As you've said, going with the flow.

Wow. So sorry you all are going through this. I can't relate -- not because of the 'wanting a full-time situation' thing but the vacation thing. What is that? 😅 I haven't had a vacation in more years than I can count. When my full time work ended in 2013, it was about scraping by. The time share went bust because I couldn't pay it and LH didn't work; his disability only went so far without a full time salary alongside it. Then as a caregiver, I couldn't go anywhere. We couldn't go anywhere. I am grateful to have full time work again, but after having both cars break down and general bills to catch up after LH died, the idea of vacation is a dream. BF and I will have known each other for four years (!) as of Memorial Day weekend. We will have been living under the same roof for about a year and a half (!). He is getting his business off the ground (got his actual state license number a couple days ago). I took a sick day yesterday to get a lump on my arm checked; as I suspected, it is a subcutaneous cyst. I spent the day in my pajamas, filling out the information in the 'So I'm Dead, Now What?' book I got and looking through the living trust and will information package I bought as I considered who I would get to be my witnesses as I signed it all. I listened to BF talk about his meeting with the accountant for his business and about the issues he found with his work truck that he bought. It's life. I leave in a few weeks to work on campus for a week and then will fly east to see my mom for a couple days. I will ask BF since with all the back and forth that has happened with the business stuff, we didn't talk anymore about him going. I guess for me, every day is technically a vacation. While we are both sad about our children (I didn't even get a call from my son on Mother's Day, but BF took me to this Italian place I found near my gym and his granddaughter's birthday was earlier this month and it hit him pretty hard not to be connected to her after the mess with his youngest daughter last year), our only responsibilities are to the four-legged ones in the house. We both work from home so are around each other all day, every day. I am not complaining by any means and sure, there are things I would like to see different. But in the big scheme, I'm okay with this little corner of the world and not leaving it to do much more than the gym, church, and the market ... I've officially become 'that old lady' 🤣

Sounds fabulous, L2F! Good for you -- nothing wrong with making a friend along the way (the name of this thread -- the alternatives are often laughable ... not while occurring mind you, but later LOL). My BF is the closest to my age I've ever had a serious relationship with. He is five years my senior, met via online dating app. LH was 15 years older, first husband was 12 years older. I outlived both. I hear you, particularly about the caregiver experience; my LH was wonderful and people thought we were just the best together, but after being his caregiver, I certainly am not looking forward to that experience again any time soon

Good point, Bunny -- sometimes it's sleep apnea so the person needs a C-Pap machine. My mom's companion has one (she calls it his Darth Vader mask. She's so bad). I have seen devices that are not as cumbersome and are easier to wear and clean than the traditional C-pap, which can be an annoyance in itself.

Follow up ... so Amazon Prime, right? I found 'So I'm Dead - Now What?', which is a last wishes journal. The cover is just my tone, and it's blue in color, which is my fav. Inside are all the very important things like what to pay, close, and cancel; bank accounts and other bills; subscriptions; passwords; social media and emails; and more. With Prime it's one day delivery so tomorrow it will be here.