arneal

Hey, tybec and thank you -- for sharing and for your well-wishes! sudnly -- just keep on truckin! And like trying2 said, what's up with the deposit? Likely he'll take his time that landlord, but I suspect there's something in your paperwork about how long he has to give it back. Our church has an annual thing they call a marriage or relationship seminar. They have books and materials for us to learn with, like the five love languages. NG doesn't go with me, which is a blessing of sorts because I get to practice what I learn without him knowing LOL. I've become better at listening I think. One of my prayers was for wisdom when it comes to understanding his motives for action or inaction and why he does things the way he does. I've learned a lot about him, just in the past few weeks of trying to be silent, to listen, and not try to offer a solution or an 'I think' comment. I must be on to something because he's not one for giving compliments generally, but he paid me one today. Keep on your path, friends.

Traveling with loved ones in close quarters is never easy. Just remember to breathe, friend!

sdnly -- you so have the makings of a book AND movie with this. Wow. Glad you and your sister are okay.

Growing is always good, tybec! Thank you for sharing!

So sorry Sugarbell. I imagine what it would be like for me if I was back home (southern NJ). I'd be alone for sure, or would spend most of my time in the city pickin's were more than slim, they were none when I was there. I am in southern California, so tons of people. However, also tons of fakery. I did online dating and ran into some real winners ... grateful I didn't give up and got a lot more choosy. I mean, meeting someone and spending time is an effort no matter what. As we get older, we have standards and expectations. I hope there's more to NG than nice and good-looking for you, Sugarbell. We all also make some sort of concessions, both men and women, because that's what compromise in relationships is about too, but don't settle just not to be alone ...

So sorry Sugarbell. I guess it will be important for you to decide if formal marriage and life together is something you want. All of us bring our baggage, whether it's kids, past hurts, financial constraint, whatever. We just have to decide what is right for all involved, especially ourselves and those under our care. Wow, sudnly. You go, girl for keeping all that trail of evidence! You're like CSI!!! Good for you. I pray your safety through the final hurdles here.

Hey there, Sugarbell: it sounds like you have incredible children -- that is a blessing! LH's daughter, who I've shared about, is not an under-achiever, but seems to lack the motivation her dad had. Because of where he was in life, her mom had her via primary custody back in the day. It was not (and I'm gathering in some places, much hasn't changed) uncommon for the mom to nearly always get the kids, even when she was obviously not the best choice when it came to how they would be raised. LH's daughter has a lot of expectations of the world but doesn't seem to see that she has to put in her share, in the right way. My son has special needs; LH took him on like a dad. It didn't matter. My son was still disrespectful and harmful and I dealt with him, every time I found out about it. Like you, I have never taken any crap from him. LH didn't take crap from his daughter either, but because she knew in her mom's house, the rules were different, she would run 'home'. Our house was 'home' when she didn't like how things were going with her mom and vice versa. BF was't easy on his kids and in some ways, I would say he was too tough. I don't mean that as in 'his punishments were too hard on them' but rather it was how he said what he meant. There are times now that he'll say things and if a person were just listening to the words and didn't know him as a person, they might be taken back a few steps. I often reframe when I talk to him, which is something no one in his life has done -- from his formative years through adulthood. That's not a bad trait, his forthrightness, in his role as a leader in his field or even when he was in the military, but as a 'regular person'? It doesn't always work. I try to stay mindful of the fact that most of us aren't the first chapter for our significant others, just like they aren't our first chapter. Even though we are on to a second (or third, or fourth, whatever it might be) chapter because of the death of the previous, it doesn't mean stepping into the new is any easier for either of us. Or our kids. Especially when we each bring a different skill set (or lack thereof) to the table. Can each of us grow? Sure, I hope! But will it be seamless and easy? Not always. Sigh.

sudnly -- thinking of you and lifting you in prayer, sister. Oh my. Yes, what laurie said -- be very careful and don't overdo it. When LH was on thinners, he would get tired or lightheaded. Be careful standing up too fast and all that. Brighter days, friend. Brighter days. 💕

It's got to be tough, trying2, especially with an intuitive daughter like yours. If she's uncomfortable, that's saying something for sure. And yeah ... the 'they are kids' excuse when they are over 20? No ... they are 'his' kids, but they are adults. However, maturity and what they've been allowed to do are a totally different thing.

Hey there, sudnly -- know that we are counting down with you and look forward to hearing good news! I talked with LHs cousin yesterday; she recently stepped out of her home (she is a widow as well) and moved into a condo/townhouse/something lol. She sounds very happy and I hope your story is similar! Since this was a home she owned, the moving process is a little different, but the thing is, she is so at peace. Ah, being human ... while that is so very true, I know that I am more than a conqueror because of my faith. It could be soo much worse!

trying2: that's a great philosophy, being quiet ... I've got to practice it more. Despite my best efforts, I end up with 'hoof in mouth disease' LOL. I talked with my mom yesterday and I heard myself: 'guess who called me?' and then it was off to the races. I tried to not sound so horrid, but I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I have one cousin, she's actually LH's cousin but she and I have always been close and shared things like this. She's had a rougher work schedule than I, so no one to bounce it off of and here I am ... oh, well. And this too shall pass ...

Hey there, Jules -- ah, back to school. Yes, my dogs are having fits because the kids are all walking past the house again. I like the quiet of summer Hoping you and your guy find time to spend together; even when you are content in your own spaces, it's good to keep some regular time together to maintain relationship. Wow, tybec!!!!! The timing is not ours, but it's always perfect. It takes someone with open eyes to see the big picture. I think I once told the story about LHs ex. She actually stood in front of a magistrate with LH and I present and said she didn't believe he was as sick as he said, that he was just saying those things to not pay support. The magistrate lost her mind in there and told ex to NEVER say anything like that again. She told ex that she had the medical records in front of her and if she ever heard anything like that again, she would try and cancel the order all together. It was incredible. I was so angry for a lot of years after that. I couldn't look at the woman. I struggle not to be so negative about them. When I was on the phone with LHs daughter yesterday, I couldn't believe how she talked in front of her mom. I mean, to each their own and especially if an adult, but there is no way that I would use such language casually. And I don't mean just because I'm in front of my mom. We were talking about some of her dad's items and she said 'I don't know how he lifted them because those m***rf***kers are heavy!'. I have never even used the abbreviation for that word in front of my mom LOL! BF and I were talking about switching the mattress and I told him I needed to keep one of the cabinets from being blocked. I mentioned that I talked to LHs daughter and the more I shared, the more negative I sounded. I am praying to just not talk about her anymore. I don't like that side of myself.

Thanks so much, Trying2! Yes -- meat and taters for sure! I had to laugh at that since mashed potatoes are one of BF's all time favs! LOL! I was at church yesterday and before things got started, I saw I had a voicemail from LH's daughter. I listened to it and it was just a basic message, asking me to call her back when I got a chance. After service finished, I ran my usual errands and pulled over. I called her and she said she was calling to check to see how I was and to ask about some of her dad's belongings, which I said she could absolutely have. No mention of all the stuff she'd left here, but that's another thing. Her mom works for USPS and I could hear her in the background as well. They were talking about helping, which is a new step. Interestingly, she did mention coming out this way to get her nursing licensing here. Not sure why she would do that if the idea is to ship her dad's stuff back east. I didn't even get into the whole 'sounds great, but you know you can't stay here while you do that, right?' conversation. My prayer is to have enough money to pay for a freight ship. I can then get cost on just the specific items as the items as well as cost to send all her stuff. Once I have that, my prayer is that both are reasonable so I can call her to say I'm sending it all. If I can do that, my plan is to include a note in with it to wish her the best and to say that I've moved on, so she can really get it that this isn't a place for her now that her dad's been gone three years. It's very uncomfortable, generally, but I was just thinking about the whole moving on thing. I guess God was standing there, as always

Wowza -- you go, girl!!! I will not only keep the camper and that in prayer, but will also keep you in prayer. That you will be safe from further harassment and wrong-doing by these management people at the complex. They sound like real pieces of work. Sigh.

Hey, sudnly -- how goes it? Sorry I missed your last post! I am in the process of switching email addresses and things have gotten a bit lost in the translation. Sigh. Hoping you are doing okay and are closer to getting away from that apartment -- if not gone already! As if moving isn't stressful enough. How is everyone else doing? It's been quiet, so I hope that means everyone is healthy and happy? Things are meandering as usual here I joined an encouragement group at church; our senior pastor is big on connectedness and believes it is important for people to have others to go to in times of joy and sadness. I appreciate that for sure and have both met some new women and have started cultivating deeper relationships with a few others. BF has been making connections for his new business and we've talked about getting a cat, of all things Our next 'adventure' is switching out the bed I have for the one he had in his apartment. I go through spells (haven't ever told him this) where I'm a bit freaked out by the fact that he is now the one sleeping with me in this bed that I shared with LH ... I've had this mattress for I don't know how long and it's been uncomfortable since before LH died. I bought a topper for it several months after he died and that worked for a while, but not so much anymore. I plan to keep the box springs (it's a Cal King), pitch the mattress, and move BFs (queen) box spring and mattress in there. I laugh to myself too because he's a pretty practical person ... not too much of anything. He has I think one or two sets of sheets for it -- you know, put a set on, wash the other, then switch them when it's linen day. I think I have four or five sets for the king bed ... Always changes on this journey. Well, off for a doctor's visit for me tomorrow; I'm taking the day afterward to do as little as humanly possible. LOL! Make it a good weekend, everyone!

Yeah, I don't get it. Unless the dealer tries to keep that second key to give to a repo company should situations change ... unscrupulous, no matter how you look at it.

My last car came from Carmax. I highly recommend the one in my area at least; the car I researched and wanted was about 90 miles away and they shipped it to one closer to me for free. Their costs for bringing cars from farther away seemed reasonable when I looked. I would go to them again. CarFax also provides info on maintenance in basic, like recalls. I just took my car to Valvoline for an oil change (recommend the one near me as well -- 15 minutes, topped off fluids, checked and added air to tires, no upsells but information on what maintenance should be done at the current mileage) and they pulled a CarFax report that showed no recalls and the type of oil, etc. to be used in my car. Next is transmission fluid for me, so I'll be back at Valvoline for that too. No more dealer for me, if I can help it, for things like that

Not sure it's accurate not to have cash, tybec; I once bought a car straight out and got the best deal ever.

Wow, sudnly. I am so sorry! And the fact that your neighbor just took this weird landlord's word against yours, knowing what he himself has experienced. Says a lot about him too in my humble opinion ... just sayin.

Oh I wish I did know how to do everything! It's a learning curve, but I am blessed to have had a good start. My dad taught me a lot as a youngster and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I was so annoyed as you can imagine, Laurie! I mean, I was paying for that car. Sod it that it was in his name -- we were legally married. One would thing that would count for a little grace, especially under the circumstances. And I was never late on a payment. So disappointed in them. Funny -- I have a Ford now again (Flex this time) and am irritated at the way the dealership charges for simple things! I had them detail it once; it was well over $100 and they didn't do the entire interior! I told them my check engine light was on -- like $165 or so just for the diagnostic, no repair at all included in that! At least their oil changes for full synthetic are on par. However, I likely won't be going back to them for anything. Horrible.

Yes, laurie, you never know. The first husband bought a car once but I made all the payments. I called them to get the loan turned over to me and Ford Credit said no. I had every check for every payment made. All were from my own bank account. It didn't matter. I let the damned thing get repo'ed -- it was in a dead man's name at that point. I drove it to a place where I'd bought a car for myself, used and asked them to send the repo truck to get it. The repo guy said it was the cleanest car he'd ever had to pick up. I told him what happened and he apologized and was angry with me LOL. It was like the weekend before my birthday that year. Mind you, the little used car dealership was glad to help me get in something else; I'd sold the car I'd purchased from them to help pay for the first husband's funeral (no insurance). It was about 10 at night when all the paperwork was done. I put my son's carseat in the new-to-me car and drove to my mom's for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. Helluva thing.

soloact -- that is so true! I had my financing in place before going to CarMax. It was pretty seamless on that end of things. At this point in our lives, it is important that we know how to do all sorts of things. It is not sufficient to leave it and not learn; I count myself very fortunate because as an only child, my dad refused to raise a daughter who couldn't do for herself. Part of that was due to marrying my mom LOL! She was the only girl out of four children and fell roughly in the middle (two older brothers and one younger); she was helpless when they got married. Didn't know how to drive or do any sort of mechanical anything. I bought her the first tool set she ever owned and that was several years after my dad died. She still, nearly 25 years after his death, doesn't really know how to use anything in it. She buys her cars from the same dealership she's dealt with for all this time; her companion doesn't buy from them and neither do my uncles, but she feels comfortable there. So much so that when her primary salesman died, she went to the funeral. After being widowed twice, I can do pretty much anything around the house. I make all the purchase decisions. Having my partner here means I've had to pull back on some of that so he feels a part. I ask him for advice on the things I know he knows more about than I do and ask him to fix things, even if I could do it myself or pay to have it done. I try to be less independent in some of those areas but have no problem doing what needs doing ...

So weird, car buying. I went to CarMax for my last purchase a few years back. I'd seen the vehicle online and they shipped it to a closer dealer. I had an existing loan via a credit union on one of the broken vehicles in my driveway. When I applied for a loan for the CarMax car, having the credit union loan wasn't a problem. I got a ride to their place from a neighbor who drove for Lyft; when I got there, the salespeople were disappointed -- they told me a lot of them were hoping I wouldn't come to get the car because so many wanted it. It was clean and low-mileage. I did all the paperwork and drove my (new to me) vehicle home. A few days later, I get a call from the loan people, saying they were not going to approve my loan because of the other one, which wasn't behind or anything. No one could answer me about why it was a problem. I argued that if it had been a problem, they should have never approved me and told CarMax everything was fine. CarMax contacted them as well and somehow, in the background, it got resolved. However, it took about three or four months. Dreadful stress, that was.

Hey there, klim -- congrat's on retirement. I trust that you will find a good space in which to place your energies. I often chuckle at the idea that retirement means doing less -- everyone I know who has retired has ended up busier than they were before!