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Hey trying2! My mom sent a little something in the mail so I decided we are going to this Italian place on Mother's Day. BF's mom is deceased and so he doesn't really say much on that day. However, I appreciate an opportunity to celebrate. I imagine my son might call, but am not holding my breath for it; he's still waiting on a birthday gift (his behavior was horrible so I told his care mom I'd get him something but will wait until it doesn't seem like a reward for poor behaviors) so if he doesn't get when he thinks he should, no one else gets either ... sigh. Life with a special needs young adult. Ah, snoring. LH had that issue later on in his illness. I can sleep with noise so it wasn't a show stopper, but one thing the doctors said was for him to prop up. Cheap solution is a wedge, more expensive solution is an adjustable bed ... so sorry you are dealing with that. Another thing is if your guy isn't getting enough rest generally, he might be falling out and sleeping hard. Maybe see if it's different if he takes a nap early in the day? Finally got my living trust and will stuff together. It's been bothering me that I haven't done it so today was the day for me. I haven't told BF that he's it, that besides the stuff that will go to my son and to the church, he'll get the joy of dealing with my stuff should my time come before his. He knows he's my emergency contact and I'm his, so he may have assumed. I'll say something at some point. I saw this notebook in the drugstore a few months back, of all places ... it was a book for putting down all the important stuff, like where's the key to the safe deposit box, what's the password to the phone and computer, what's the account number for the gas company. I plan to get one of those too because I have so many passwords to so many things, it would take a CSI team to get into it all without help. Sobering, but necessary ...

Happy Friday all. Hoping you are doing well? So a funny thing happened the other day (yes, as my play little brother says, a junior high moment). BF was talking about calling his sister. I know they hadn't talked in a while; I waited a day or so and asked if he'd called her and he said he was going to do so that afternoon. The day went by, him doing his things and me doing mine. He wandered through to the family room later and said 'my sister said hi'. He couldn't see me grinning ... he's never acted like he's mentioned me to her before. It made my afternoon

Captains wife -- I was nodding so hard at your post!!! I take that idea with all things, that if I don't have the info I need, I make decisions and keep on pushing. It is now May and I planned to go visit my mom in June as part of my next on-ground teaching assignment. The university handles my travel and so instead of having them book me a flight back here, I had them book the return to go east instead. I told BF back in February or so and asked him if he'd like to come. He could visit with his sister, who he hasn't seen in ages. He sort of mentioned it once when he talked about how his sister hadn't been very communicative of late on social media. I took that as a 'no'. I told him when the university was able to change my flight plans and he said nothing. I showed him the under-seat roller bag I bought for my computer and all that when it arrived to show I'm planning for those airport layovers. I'll bring it up once more to be sure but have already booked my flight home as well as my rental car for while I am there. Sad if he won't come but also sort of glad to not have to worry about the house or the animals 🤣

Hi again, tybec and all! I wanted to share this app in case you've never heard of it. Feel free to pass along info to those who might benefit ... WeParent (currently live on iOS and launching soon on Android) helps reduce stress and conflict in divorced parents' relationships. It lets them manage custody schedules and calendars, exchange messages, and share important information with each other in one convenient app. The app is free to download and free to try for 30 days, and after that it's just $9.99 per year for unlimited adults in both families.

tybec -- that is so fabulous. Good for you, girl!

So nail on the head right there, trying2 -- free fall. Ugh. That was me (and not in a good way, for a long time) after the first husband died. I learned a lot and felt in much more control when LH died. It's a steep learning curve for sure.

Hi, tybec! Your post reminds me of something. I was driving home from the gym this morning (my usual time for deep thought, when I am away from all people, pets, and duties before the day really kicks in) and I was thinking about May being the three-year mark for BF and my first date. It seems perhaps that for those of us who have lost so much (not that divorces and separations aren't losses, especially where children are involved) through situations where we can't go back, we can't make amends (or not), we can't repair, it's like time goes faster and means more. Yeah, okay, maybe we are thinking about some sense of permanency a few months or a few years in, where others are taking their time. We know that the next second isn't promised, so it seems those factors come into play ...

Trying2 -- good for you for handling that so well. I suspect I might have sat elsewhere, having been through the whole funeral thing as girlfriend to LH as I mentioned. Ugh. I will say that I'm not sure how we can couple and not end up in all of each other's stuff though. I mean, even if not coupled through 'official' marriage, if we are in a committed situation, it seems like we'd need to work all that out. BF hasn't kept me out of his issues with his daughters -- sure, it all freaks me out sometimes, but I am in for the long haul and want him to have a relationship with them, particularly his granddaughter. I pray for that for them. So, I already am in it, no matter what ... Oh my, Captains wife ... that does sound difficult! The same resort? Yikes!

Aw, Sugarbell ... I think it's a matter of accepting all that comes with 'established adults' and being accepted as one. If I had a man in my life who couldn't handle that my son has special needs, even though he doesn't live with me, we'd have problems. Heck, we wouldn't be a 'we'. I know what it's like to be passed by because of my son. If I love the person I'm with and they love me -- knowing how I am about kids (I don't do well with them. I don't coddle), we'll work out the rest. I am the empress of my house -- even when LH and I lived together before marriage, I didn't care if the ex came around with their daughter. No, you can't sit in my living room while I watch TV -- you want to spend time with your daughter (who lives with you all week???) at my house, go to her room. That's how I rolled. With BF, I always spoke to the daughter who lived with him. He introduced me to her and her boyfriend the first time I was over and they came back to the apartment. We had a couple of brief conversations. I got her a gift card at Christmas. Now that BF is not connected to his children at all because of the family madness last year, I just pray for them all but don't mention them. It's tough since we didn't raise those kids or establish the relationships. It is what it is, I suppose ...

Oh, tybec ... what a slime, that attorney. I think the east coast in me might have jumped out of my mouth before my brain could catch up. My LH introduced me to the ex as she was the mother of his daughter. It wasn't like we just happened to run into each other at the market and her daughter pointed me out or something, you know? It was at a time he was picking up his daughter and that's just proper manners. She seemed irritated by the whole thing, but I didn't care. Whatever. I was civil because that's his daughter's mom and like you said, I wasn't trying to become her mom! His daughter started calling me mom but when her actual mom was listening, she called me 'Ms.' and my first name; she had called me mom once on the phone and got fussed at, so became very careful. Ugh. Ex drama ... interestingly, after LH died, his ex acted like she really liked me for a while. Easy to show that since I live on the other side of the country ... but I've never disrespected her, despite her weird behaviors. And yes, whenever he wanted me by his side, even before we married, I was there if possible. I would go to court when she drug him there and it got to the point that his child support officer would call me, even before we got married. Interestingly, the officer's boss and my LH had dated back before he married his ex. Both she and the officer knew the ex was not right. But that's small town life.

trying2 -- it is often that there is never a right time to meet the ex. When LHs dad died, we weren't married yet but had been living together with his dad in the house as well. Ex 'insisted' on riding in the family limo, thinking that would be a dig at me. I told LH that I had no desire to ride in the limo in the first place and that I would get to the church early to make sure things were in order. It would give me time to spend with his dad alone, paying my own respects, before the rest showed up. He was grateful, having dated before me and having to deal with girlfriends who were nutty and an ex who was as well. I asked him if he wanted me to sit with him on the front row and he said yes. He had me walk into the sanctuary on his arm -- ex was hotter than a hornet but what could she do? They hadn't been together in 15 years? Seriously. And at a funeral? Anyway, LH insisted that I ride to the cemetery with them, so I ended up in the limo with ex anyway. She had the audacity to say that her mom didn't come because she had a hair appointment. It was all I could do to not let my mouth drop open ... I mean, just say 'Mom sends her love; she and Dad couldn't come'. Ugh!!! I share that to say, if your BF wants you there, be there with bells on. Or whatever is appropriate for a funeral ... I say that in an attempt to be light hearted because I've been thinking about my own lately. No muss, no fuss, have fun ... laugh at me but just don't stand around crying and telling a bunch of lies. If you didn't like me, great. If you did, great. I'm gone so smile and remember me for who I really was. The end. Sugarbell -- that's a tough one. However, good for you for standing your ground. I can't imagine living in such a space. LHs family was pretty cliquey as well. However, he didn't go for it and I certainly didn't, which is how we ended up moving across the country from both our families. Maybe because we were both only children by birth (he had half-siblings down south who I let know he had died but who didn't come or anything. I think his 'sister' sent flowers for the memorial they had back east. I didn't go to that myself, having had a memorial here) but the ties were not that tight anymore. Both his parents were gone, my dad was gone, and that's that. My mom is still back east but she was glad I went where my heart led me. Nonetheless, you go, girl! Be who you need to be, for yourself, for your children. If he ever changes his way, he'll see you as the strong and independent woman you truly are.

Hi, all and thanks for the check-in reminder I was thinking to myself a couple days ago that things are quiet here and I haven't contributed 😂 tybec, you bring up a great point about purpose and I echo what trying2 said -- from a faith perspective, we all have purpose. It comes from within us, it is who we are, apart from others. It is put in us from the beginning of our creation and we will continue to feel empty if we look elsewhere for it. I do not mean to suggest that is what you are doing, but I think it is a good thing to keep in mind, that others are like the meringue on our pie -- they don't make us, just like the meringue doesn't make the lemon meringue pie ... they add to how awesome we already are (says the woman who is a sucker for a good lemon pie or lemon bar, sans meringue!). BF passed his licensing exam and is moving forward with business plans, which is great to see. I was very sad he didn't come to service with me yesterday; his church experiences, as I think I've shared, have been negative so he is pretty gun-shy about going. The people around him who attended church have never it seems shared what a believer should look like, about the importance of giving, and all that. I've started giving in his name as well as of yesterday. He said he would come with me at some point. I don't press, I just ask. I pray about it. I believe he would get a lot out of the messages and the fellowship. One thing I've noticed is that he is still very much someone who speaks in terms of 'yours' and 'mine'; I am hoping to get at is whether it's simply semantics. I suspect it is but will likely ask. As an only child, I don't understand what life is like with siblings, where people take your stuff He had siblings and things seemed to be very much 'yours' and 'mine' in his family. However, he did refer to 'home' a few days back when he was talking about 'my house'. Overthinking? yeah, I'm great at that!

Welcome to Club Five-Oh, tybec! I hope, despite all the real talk, it was truly wondrous for you! Ah, blending. Like sudnly said, thinking back on the difficulties of blending with LH. The things we consider now, having known and lived, that we didn't then. I've been thinking on putting together a will or living trust. It seems crazy to me to think of such things, but I realize that I am only four years younger than my dad when he was killed in that car accident. I am eight years older than my son's father when he died from that heart attack. The next moment isn't promised. My head is more in that space than the actuality of blending, per se. Interesting that the message at service a couple days ago was about doing what the Lord says for us to do. If we claim him as our Savior, we can't do so without claiming him as our Lord first, which means doing what He says. I am struggling to know if I'm on the right track. When I try to open my mouth to talk about 'future', beyond the practicalities of what will happen to all the crap I own when I am no longer here to deal with it, I cannot. It's like there are no words and I am reminded of those Biblical stories where the Creator closes someone's mouth ... dramatic? maybe. But where I am these days. Still struggling with the change to spring. I am back at the gym, which is actually a balm for my soul. Work is work, which is also good. Hoping everyone else out there is well!

Yay, tybec -- you made my Monday

MrsDan -- you mention you try to sit down and decide together ... does he outright say he doesn't want to? Maybe you can just ask him if he is still considering marriage and if he says yes, tell him something like 'Oh, because you haven't talked about it or asked me so I thought you changed your mind'. If he says he no, maybe something like, 'Oh, you seemed to want to before. What changed your mind?' It seems like you are at a place where you want to know where he stands. Never too late to ask ...

Thanks so much trying2. I hope it was a good one for him. I haven't talked to him in a while. He tries to be casual by reaching out close to birthday and holidays but it's all about making sure someone sends him something. He doesn't think about anyone else. This year, his house mom and I decided I would lay low. I didn't call and won't send him anything, probably for a couple months. I am interested in touching base with her to see how his day was. His behaviors have been pretty awful so I am not trying to act like I'm rewarding in any way. Sad but true. We all have different dynamics to deal with in family situations. I tried my best not to connect with the first husband's family; he had one cousin who I really liked and who seemed to like me. She died young and I felt like I didn't have anyone in his family. LH's dad was great -- we all lived together for a year or so before he died and LH and I got married. BF's daughter didn't seem to feel any sort of way about me until they had a falling out; then I suspect she saw me as taking his side. She and I never really talked; suspect it was one of those complicated dad/daughter things. tybec -- marathon, yes. It is hard to remember that sometimes. It sounds like you are making your way in style I have sort of found my groove as well. Back to the gym, doing things at church ... it's good in its own way, right? Happy Friday and weekend, all!

Hey there trying2 ... if you don't mind my .02? It seems like it's everyone else that's dictating what is simple and what is not about your and your NGs relationship. Would his daughter live with the two of you if you moved in together? If so, yeah, that could be awkward but if not ... same for his siblings and your parents and (former?) in-laws? I guess it's the 'been by myself' part of me that says always, 'if they aren't paying the bills, their opinion doesn't matter'. Granted, it sounds like from your side the in-laws and your dad are important in your life so it's not that easy. My son seems happy but he doesn't and won't live with me now or in future (today he turns 24, which is a whole 'nother thing). My mom likes the idea that I have someone and that I am not alone. Of my three uncles, only one knows I am with someone and he too is happy. My closest real friends are happy. None of these people live near me and don't in my mind have a say in how I create my spaces. Like you mentioned to MrsDan, what is it that will make you happy? Or at least content

Thank you for sharing, LF. If there was a way to have read this post, back when I was in the throes of the situation, it might have opened my eyes to some things. So much of this resonates now, well after the fact. I often have said I buried the person I was, to keep her safe, during those times. It took a caring and persistent person who could see I was more than the shell I had built for her to come out again.

Happy for both of you, tybec and LF! Oh, the issues with coming out an abusive situation ... that was my first marriage. My poor second husband. He was persistent, which is how we ended up going on a first date in the first place LOL. He was very patient with me and my son, who didn't ever really know his dad; the special needs of my son and the abuse by the husband kept them distant (I was mama bear through it all and did what I could to take the hits so my son wouldn't), but that angry streak is certainly in my son. He acted out in so many ways over the years, but my LH handled it so much better than I. I never discounted my son's dad to him but since he never knew him, he was 'first dad' and my LH was 'second dad'. I got a letter from my son last week (it's getting close to his 24th birthday, so he wants to make sure I notice ... he has no qualms about being obvious if there is a chance he can get something from someone; he wants us all to never forget his birthday or Christmas but he never remembers my birthday or my mom's for example). He likes -- or at least puts on appearances of doing so -- BF. He wrote about him in the letter, make sure you tell him I asked for him and am praying for him' etc. I let BF read it; he chuckled because my son referred to him as Mr. [his first name]. I wasn't one of those parents who thought it okay for a child to call an adult by their first name without some sort of prefix and he hasn't forgotten it My mom is really wanting me to come back east and visit sometime this year. I came up with a plan on how I might slip back for a weekend in a couple months; BF's sister lives not far so I suggested he check to see if she would be available for a quick visit. He liked the idea, even though she isn't very communicative (none of his family are ... I mean, my family is small so I don't think about it, but he has siblings and others who just don't engage). Like you said, tybec, it's all messy. I don't get into it other than to express my lack of understanding because I don't have a larger family, I have no siblings, and what family I do have I've never been close to anyway so I don't feel it like he does. I am hoping we can pull it off as I'd like him to meet my mom. As time goes by, you just never know. Tomorrows are never promised ... It's interesting, now that we've been under the same roof for just over a year. Even though I wander off to other parts of the house to do my thing with work and so on and we aren't under each other's feet all day, he seems to get a bit sad when I take off. For two weekends in a row there have been events at church; last week, one of the ministries I volunteer with celebrated people who completed a six-week employment training; they wanted all the volunteers to stay for three services to congratulate those who could come. I did, so was gone for most of the day. Yesterday, we had a concert in the evening -- I went to late service and stayed to volunteer. When I said I wasn't sure what time I'd be home, he looked all sad. I think I shared that he felt hurt by church folks and his ex was supposedly an evangelist but never acted like she held a solid faith system when they were home, so he's tainted. He has a faith practice but doesn't attend; I am prayerful that he will come to Resurrection Sunday service with me this year. We'll see ...

Works well, this language that you speak of? 🤣 I've just been better at writing things out, working it out in my head. Only child who spent lots of time alone here ... just starting a regular conversation means I've already spent at least a half hour thinking about doing it first 😅

Well-said, tybec. Your comment about Valentine's day cards made me smile as I had the one I wanted for BF ready ahead of time. My presentation of it (and the associated set of candy) was so un-romantic (the card didn't have an envelope -- it wasn't a traditional store-bought card; I put the candy on his armchair table with the card on top before he got up that morning LOL). but he liked it and it's still sitting up, next to his work table. On the 'what do I want' question. I haven't answered that re: the daily business of living because I guess I've always been independent. Life does what it does ... I work or I don't, I take care of the house or I don't. I get up early or I don't, I stay up late or I don't. I decide to do something new or I don't (I signed up for a new gym yesterday and am hoping to take a pottery class this spring; I started serving in new areas at church). The first marriage was so restrictive and LH knew that; we talked a lot while dating because he pursued me but I was so angry. When we got together, I made sure he understood it had nothing to do with him personally but I was finally in a place to look for my own freedom. He was very clear that he wanted nothing less for me, that he wanted me to learn how to have that. He encouraged my independence and I think it made him sad in our later years that I was not doing as much creative stuff as I had been. Nonetheless, he encouraged me to go back to get my doctorate and post-doc, to move our family cross-country and follow my heart. With our almost 16 years together, I gained an appreciation for being a whole person. As far as BF, and to quote the movie 'Oblivion', I believe we make an effective team Honestly, part of what I want is someone willing to do for me what I did for my LH: in the event I got sick, they wouldn't run. They would take care of my dogs. They would enjoy the house -- whatever that looked like (keep it, remodel it, sell it ... just don't let it get taken by the state). They would make sure my wishes were kept. I also want to pay it forward, to give someone else what LH gave me as far as that personal peace. Yeah, sort of esoteric, but that's just how it is ... Mrs. Dan, I don't know about the 'we would already be married' ... people are often more skittish than animals LOL. I was reading something the other day. The writer suggested that some men won't speak on such matters first, even if they have the same feelings, because they are afraid of being emotionally hurt by their partner. If we say where we are, it helps them. I have really been thinking about that and am looking to 'present my case' for BF and I moving forward.

Agreed, SW -- I appreciate the sounding board that we have here. As several of our pack has expressed, when dealing with others who have not been through what we have, it's a learning curve for both. Not to disparage those who have not lost their mates across the Rainbow Bridge, but it's easier to be angry at a former spouse or signif who is now gone through divorce. It's easy to fuss about all the things they did wrong while not taking responsibility for their stuff. When a spouse or signif dies, a person is left with a different set of feelings. There may be anger about the things they did or didn't do; sadness at their simply not being there; stress about how bills will be paid; awe if they left a solid portfolio and took care of major expenses ... or some combination of several of those. To step out of that place and into a new relationship is different than coming to terms with the idea that an ex is now with someone else or is not, or that an ex is a jerk and causing difficulty for any number of reasons. The Come to Jesus conversation is eminent ... as Game of Thrones suggests, winter is here. I'll get to the core of it. Just have to suss out how to do it in a way that is comfortable for me.

😍

Aw, glad to know -- I love yours as well; there are minimal words to capture the greatness of Corrie Ten Boom! Hm. That is a wonderful question ... one that I must ponder a bit. I think it was the great philosopher, Bugs Bunny, who once said 'It's the anticipation that gets me'. I am one who would prefer to be given the answer without having to ask the question. Perhaps it is an only child thing, or an INFJ thing, I don't know. Working on it. Appreciate the question though, truly!

Thank you, LF -- the article you shared needs to also have a discussion of being chicken 😵😑😅 He knows I have been mentally wrestling with something. And the time change to spring is always tough for me anyway, so the timing here is just ducky. Sigh ...