arneal

Was just over on the Online Dating thread -- not sure if you all saw the article LeadFeather shared about recoupling? It made me reflect more on the things I've been reflecting on anyway 😅 I think the thing that is missing for me in the steps the author described is the skittishness; knowing when to say 'Hey -- let's make this permanent' and not stress about doing so. That's where I am now ... BF and I met in 2016, not long after LH died. We now live together (it's already been just over a year) and I am thinking about the long-term; I'd love to put him in my will, hitch up so he doesn't have to pay for health insurance (he's finalizing the paperwork to incorporate his business), but he went through a very ugly divorce and I don't think marriage is something he's interested in on the surface. Honestly, I have no 'need' to remarry, but from a practical standpoint, it makes sense to me. I had a boss a thousand years ago; the wife taught at university and he ran a non-profit. She covered their health insurance and such, while his organization provided a way for some who otherwise probably wouldn't have finished their primary education. BF isn't going to save the world with his business, but I know he could do a lot of good. He has an idea for a fabulous non-profit too that I would get behind and not having to worry about things like being taxed because you don't have the proper health coverage isn't something anyone should have to worry about. Plus, not paying a ton for that would mean he could put more into the house, the business, and philanthropy. Anyway, that's it for today's ramblings ... I am praying for a sign to either spit it all out, that something will spark him to say it, or that it will become rock-hard obvious that I should keep my mouth shut.

Love2!!! Oh my goodness -- I am so sorry to read of your loss. No words other than {{{hugs}}} and know that I am lifting you to the light in prayer. Yes, LF's article share is a good one.

Are you worried that your youngest will get attached? Is that a bad thing? If you don't want to recouple, it would be good to let him know. Or, if you need time, let him know that too. It's easy for some people to gain feelings but if one major component is off, that's trouble for all.

Be gentle with yourself, Virgo ... it can be tough to enter into a familiar situation when dealing with all sorts of emotions but sounds like you are going in with your eyes open, which is good.

I like the lecture idea. We are close enough to a bunch of places that might offer things like that. Thanks, Bunny!

Oh yes, klim -- 'me' time is vital. I am always in my head and I think since we are both in the house, life would continue like this, with neither of us going outside unless it was to the store LOL. I am grateful like I said for my ministry commitments, which is 'my thing'. He is developing his business, so that is 'his thing', but it is slow going. In the meantime, there's not much room for extra so we don't go to dinner or the movies. We haven't had a date night in a long time (and neither of us called it that). He doesn't seem moved either way, meaning he's not sad or happy that we don't do those things. I think it's just for my own thoughts about keeping things interesting that I want to at least bring it up. I want to be someone that he wants to be around for a long time and I don't think I can do that very well if I'm too boring 😂

Thanks for updating, tybec: It's been crazy for work for me ... lots going on always at the end of the month plus faculty have been pushing to get students finished in time for spring commencement, which means more to do. I certainly am not complaining as it wasn't that long ago that I didn't have enough to keep me busy on the work front! I think I have a bit of seasonal affective disorder as winter turns to spring. I am easily down at this time of year ... I realize many of the stressful events in life have happened at this point: first husband died in March of 1999, son was born prematurely in March of 1995, LH died in February 2016, BF went through hell with his daughter and moved here last February. It gets heavier as the years go by it seems. I have gotten more involved with our church's employment and prison ministries, which I really enjoy. I am frustrated that I can't get more going in a faster time frame but I am not in charge and am trying very hard to be respectful and stay in my own lane. It gets me out of the house each week during the week, which is nice. BF is expecting some unexpected finances and has already said we would go out to celebrate. I worry that, with all of 'life' that tends to intervene, that we are falling into a rut. It's hard to go out as for me, bill paying and keeping food for these greedy dogs is certainly more important 😂 BF isn't the spontaneous type and likes routine, but I want to shake it up every now and again ... keep the excitement going, you know? Gotta work on it.

Good for you, tybec -- I too am involved in church things. It makes me laugh a bit ... last week for example, I had two meetings after service, plus my usual wanderings to the store and to try and visit a man who was someone my LH tried to look out for; since he died, I try to continue looking in on this gentleman, so each week after service, I stop by where he lives. I didn't get home until way after my usual time and BF was like, 'you were gone forever!'. I am out on most Thursday nights too so it's like dude, you gotta fend all for yourself cuz I won't be back until close to 9pm. LOL. I hope that my engagement will inspire him to get over his church hurt and start coming. I think there are some great groups he could be part of as well. Anyway, I discovered a new game so now have one of my own to play in addition to the one I play with him. I showed him the character I made yesterday and now he wants to play it some as well 😅 Just a house-full of big old kids, and that's okay too.

Hello all! A quick funny to share. I mentioned my penchant for celebrations ... I nabbed a bunch of candy and a funny card about being each other's Valentine's for the apocalypse and left them for BF to see when he got up on the morning of the 14th. He was nearly speechless; all he could say was 'Aw!' and hug me. He mentioned that he hadn't gotten me anything, being a bit on the low cash flow side. I commented that once he gets the business rolling, he's going to blow up so I'm not worried 😁He firmly agreed and we had a good day. I have to remind myself that we aren't with people who are just like us and we can't expect them to be. And that's okay. It's actually better than okay because if I was with another me, well let's say that would be near disaster 😂

Thanks so much for sharing, Paul!!

Thanks Bunny and tybec! BF is in the kitchen, cooking up a storm. He even found a little chocolate cake while he was out. He is very thoughtful, just forgetful. I have said in the past that I adore celebrating these milestones, but you are right -- I don't drop enough hints. Part of my own connection to the spectrum, I suppose, is that I keep calendars for all sorts of special occasions. My female pup turned seven on 10 February; my calendar alarm sounded like three times to remind me 😂. I forget that not everyone does that sort of thing. I am working on adjusting my expectations to account for the fact that no one else lives in my head but me ... not an easy thing to do sometimes!

Well, I made it -- 50 years old. I have enjoyed sitting in my robe and slippers (I am dressed but chilly), drinking hot tea on this chilly day. One of LHs cousins called at like 5am (I didn't answer the phone) to wish me a happy birthday, one of his other cousins called later to sing to me (she has recorded music and whatnot -- beautiful voice!). I talked to my mom yesterday and she just called a few minutes ago. Friends and colleagues are posting all sorts of wishes on social media, which is how BF saw that it was my day ... I didn't say a word this morning and went about my usual routine (it is still a work day, after all). It took a couple of hours before he hopped on and saw all the posts; he came into my workspace, sheepish like, apologizing and saying he has a shit memory, then wished me a happy birthday. I think one of the hard things for me to get my head around is that people react to pain and loss so differently. I vowed that I would recognize every day I'd been given after suffering multiple losses -- a dad and two husbands for one only child is more than enough. BF on the other hand, who hasn't had very happy celebratory experiences of any kind, doesn't really try to remember ... he said a couple years back that birthdays stop being exciting when a person is 12 years old; he said it with a laugh after I'd made a big deal of wishing him a happy birthday. He just doesn't celebrate. Anything. I would have done all sorts of weird things for myself, but it's between paydays. I did get a couple of new clothing items. I bought a cake that I was going to throw away (which I never do because I don't like to waste food) because it was nasty to me, but BF said he'd eat it. I went out the next day and bought two slices of chocolate cake; I ate one as soon as I got home (I did give him a fork-full) and ate the other slice after dinner. LOL. It's just felt like a lackluster 'celebration'; I am working (it is Tuesday, after all) and am off tomorrow -- because I have a dentist appointment. When I was at the store (the day I got the gross cake), I also got a cantaloupe; I cut it yesterday and it was yucky as well. The upside is that BF is cooking for me for dinner One thing I said to myself in my morning prayers a couple days ago: I am going to be happy, no matter how weird the world around me gets ...

😍

Thank you so much, trying2 and sudnly! I have to work so it will be quiet. There were a few of us at the job on staff meeting just now who have February birthdays so they sang to us. That will be about the most exciting thing to happen lol. Know that I appreciate each of you!!

Thank you, tybec and Virgo! It is on my mind and I am always thoughtful about when I ask such questions because I tend to be a bit direct. I've learned over the years that is where my autistic traits come out (I totally see how my son is on the spectrum when I am honestly introspective about my own journey) and that I have to be careful how and when I approach certain things. Celebrating anything is not BFs style but we are in the same house and I know he will want some of the cake I bought once I cut it, so there's that 😅 Yeah, I went out today and whilst at the store, I saw a lemon cake. I've been posting here and there about my birthday on social media but not making a deal since I know I can't do a big thing for myself. I was hoping to get back to see my mom at her birthday but I am scheduled to teach that week. I have to work on my birthday but will take the next day off because I have a dental appointment (yay ...). I don't expect BF to do much, beyond wishing me happy birthday that day. When it comes to the relationship thing, we are in the same house and have been for the past year. This May will be three years that we've been connected. As far as I am concerned, that's relationship. I didn't broadcast as it's not anyone's business but posted privately for myself. I assume that if anyone looks at my profile they might see it. I don't know. I wear this little ring BF gave me on my 'ring finger' when I go out as it signifies to me that I am in a relationship. He is observant and I know he's seen it but has made no comments either way. I wouldn't force the issue of marriage as I have done it twice and beyond some of the practical benefits like health insurance to cover him, there's not much else as far as purpose ... I guess after loss, the practical has precedent over the magical? Not that marriage has ever been magical for me ... Anyway, thanks again for 'listening'!

So the next sub-section in my never-ending thought process about social media and relationships 😅 I placed the 'in a relationship' moniker on my profile yesterday. I made it private so it didn't broadcast to the entire web. I didn't put an 'anniversary' date on it. It's just there. I was thinking about BF's approach to relationships. He is still very much a 'yours' and 'mine' sort of guy. I know that's because of the hurts he's dealt with in the past but I'm over it lol. I don't say that in a callous way, but as we have all agreed here, when you lose someone to the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, your heart is very different than if you divorced them and they are still around. The hurt is different. The sense of pain and loss are different. Not more or less, but different. He struggles with that pain of two relationships that didn't turn out as he'd hoped. We've been under the same roof for a year now, believe it or not. He is acting on some of his dreams, which I support because I believe in what he is doing to plan for his future. But where I fit into that, I don't know ... I mean, he will say things that show he is planning to include me, but I like a bit more info. I am a very concrete sort of person. My birthday is next week, the five-oh. With him doing his classes, I don't expect anything. He's not a very celebratory sort and I'm okay with that since it is a work day for me anyhow. But in its way, its all sort of anticlimactic. I don't plan to even bring it up but it will be interesting to see what he says as my mom and maybe other family members ring me or friends post on social media as they are apt to do. I suspect that I will have the conversation about if or when he thinks the conversation will move way from 'yours' and 'mine' to more of a 'we' and 'ours' ... Yeah, that was a ramble. Thanks for 'listening' ...

Hey there, Virgo -- sending you love and light as you continue to navigate {{{hugs}}}

Julester -- thank you for sharing and that makes me sad to read as well. It never ceases to amaze me how uncaring some people are in relationships where they claim to love the other person ...

Hi, tybec -- I am online because I am working ... not arduously, but still 😅 online teaching can get out of hand with the grading if I don't check in, especially across long weekends. Students tend to do more on weekends, particularly if they are working, so there it is. Things are plugging along here. BF is inching closer to the end of his educational program for his business venture. We haven't had any sort of planning conversation but as the start-of-year teachings at my church are all about goal-setting and planning, I am sneaking up on it. I will be gone for a week coming soon but before I go, there will be three weeknights of church service so I will change our usual routine. Before I go, I hope to give him some food for thought so we can work together to figure out what's next. Hope everyone is doing great!

Thanks, sudnly for that perspective. We all deal with death differently, for sure. I am hoping to have someone dump my ashes in the Atlantic Ocean after I go ... not sure who that would be and like you said, once I'm gone I won't know what's what anyway ...

Thanks, tybec -- I think it's just one of those things. He was really sick, no one knew how sick, so we were on our own. He dies, no one is still around. The hazard of having a small family ...

Not enough heart emojis for your posts, tybec, so here's a few: 💗💗💗💗💗 So glad you were able to have that conversation with your BF. You certainly deserve a great new thing! Tell him we said so 😁 Hope your get-away is wonderful for both of you and it's nice that he is going to be there with you as you visit the cemetery. Writing that reminded me that, even though I've only been back east once since LH died, I had no desire to visit where he is buried. He was cremated and his ashes were put at his parents' burial site; his mom is the only one with a headstone. He had wanted to get one for his dad and we didn't do it before he got sick and then died. I haven't had the energy to pay for one more thing related to his death, to be frank. I feel guilty even thinking it. I feel like I should pay for headstones but then feel like his grown daughter should pitch in there somewhere ... Since I can't come to a good place with any of that, I haven't done anything. It's always looming though ...

Virgo -- the guilt that it seems we all feel ... what is that?? My LH was very clear that he wanted me to go on but there are days when I feel weird about it. I mean, I am in this house, in this bed, with a different man than the one I was with when I bought the house ... the truth of it all is that death changes us all, for the good or the bad. The guilt is of course different, depending on our experiences.

Maybe you all can find balance next NYE, Jules. I can't remember the last all-nighter I had for that day lol. LH and I rarely spent NYE together while he was performing and after his health started to decline, we always turned in early ... I don't think I have it in me to be up all night anymore. BF and I turned in around 11pm our time but said happy new year at about 10 since it had already gone the new year on the east coast lol.

Hey, Jules: it is something when we seem to suddenly be into a space that is so different from what we are used to, isn't it? I am glad you and your BF had a good holiday through it. Do you think you will tell him about your sadness? It's probably a tough call since you aren't seeming to suggest he should have done anything different but that it was simply a different experience, suddenly, for you. Maybe helping him understand will be a good thing. Hard to explain maybe, but a good thing ... Oh tybec, I am sorry to hear about how things went. It makes me want to jump in my car, drive over, and shake your BF by the shoulders. He is missing out on a great person here. Ugh! If even his mom is catching that something is a bit awry, hoping he opens his eyes. And so good for you that you told him all that. {{{hugs!}}} We are in a sort of comfy pattern around here. I don't know if that's good or bad. BF seems content, which is a good thing, and I don't mean that we should be in the midst of turmoil constantly, but there's this sort of weird unspoken vibe. I think it's just me, overthinking. He is his usual self, no changes there. I know he is concerned about finances while he is working on building his business and getting things off the ground. I of course always have ideas but am working hard to keep my mouth shut since it's his thing. As we often say around my workplace, 'not my circus, not my monkeys' ... I try to wait until he asks before I jump in. Emotionally for me, I think something is brewing -- not anything bad, but something ... we'll see.