SemperFidelis

Anyone around those parts want to set something up?

Yeah. I kind of cherish those moments when I can pretend he is still alive for some stranger. My husband was disabled, so it would have been a bigggg deal to get him to the hardware store just to get the veterans discount. I would always bring his VA ID and my caregiver ID and explain the situation (as they want the veteran to be present) and they would still give the discount. Sometimes I still do this....just pop my ring on the other finger and issue the same line. Not so much for the discount but for the fleeting feeling of things being normal again..... Actually now that I write it down, it makes me tear up and feel sorry for myself for being so pathetic.

Me, I can't get to far into the "what if I am dating the one who isn't the one? What if I let the one go" Otherwise I find myself in a sea of discontent and thinking the grass could be greener. Works better for me to commit to one in my mind (of certain criteria are met) and give it my 100%. This of course coming from someone who has absolutely minimal dating experience, let alone dating more than one person at a time.

Hello - I am glad you found this community so early. I am truly very sorry for your loss and what you are going through....and will continue to go through. I am 13 months out....and am 28 yrs old (was 27 when it happened). I just take everything one hour, one day at a time.... I wish I had a solid bit of wisdom for you. But the truth is that what helps one person doesn't necessarily help another. But I bet you will get something out of sifting through this board. I am just now becoming a more active member, and am finding it very useful.

SK, I also found myself frustrated by the well meaning "it will get better" crowd. In the beginning, I didn't even find it THAT bad or unmanageable.....the bad came later...maybe the worst at 6months. So their words just left me feeling more isolated. Unfortunately the treatment you are getting from the world is normal. You already know, most people cannot relate.

Are there any here who have been widowed twice? There is only one poster I know of off hand who has. How did the first and second times compare? Was one harder or easier to cope with than the other? Has moving forward in life been harder or easier? My ch2 has renal failure....so if things keep moving in the forward direction with us, I know I will be widowed a 2nd time probably before I reach age 40 (i am 28 now). It is just weird to think about. And I wonder if I will just feel sooooo shafted when that time comes....I wonder if I Will be too burnt out to try again? Its a lot for me to chew on. I would be curious to hear what any of you twice widows have to say.

OP, keep them on until it feels right to do otherwise. You will know when the time is right. Me, I moved it to another finger after a month..... For some reason I had the thought that I did not want to be in denial or something..... I was hard on myself in that way I guess. In hindsight, I wish I had worn it on the ring finger longer....only because I work with the public and I really have hated the way the ring change makes my personal life public. Worse yet is the thought that someone might think I just went through a divorce....that disgusts me. I wore his band and dogtag around my neck for about seven months or so.....I kept it tucked in, because I didn't want to make a spectacle of it. I met my ch2 after my own band was on a new finger, so he only had to contend with me wearing the husband's ring and dogtag. I am amazed by the graciousness he had with this. I have also felt strongly through all this that my husband would support me moving forward. He would want someone to come along and cherish me. I also did feel still like a wife to my husband for about nine months..... And still, I feel like a wife but maybe not necessarily with a husband....if that makes sense. I walk, talk, and otherwise conduct myself like a wife.... I don't really know any other way. My ch2 is benefiting from this I think. I also still call my husband exactly that....my husband. He's not late for anything. He's dead. So for unknowing ears I might use the words "dead husband" but for those who know, I do say husband. MrsDan, I appreciate your feedback and experiences. I am 9months in with ch2 and have met his family but they don't know I am a widow yet.... I am all in all just very confused and curious how you blend families when one of the family members is a ghost. It's just an odd dynamic and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable while at the same time maintaining honor for my husband.

SK, right there with you.... I know people are just trying to be respectful, but it's really hard to have people just pretend like he never existed. I really appreciate those uncommon moments when people mention him. I start to lose my sanity when his name goes unspoken for so long. ..All I want to do is talk about him.

I am in a similar camp as Jen. For the first three months I slept on the couch. I just couldn't bring myself to sleep in there without him. Three months in I bought a new bed frame and pretty new bedding and painted my accent wall a different color. I also ditched his grandmas painting that hung above it and hung something he painted specifically for me. For me it was important to reclaim that space as mine and make it new. To that end, I also started sleeping on the opposite side of the bed. All these different factors make me feel like no one is missing from bed..... My old sleeping situation left with my husband.

4 July is a hard time for me too. I lost my husband on 1 July 2015. And I will never forget an insensitive "happy 4th of July" text I got from a then friend, on that 4th..... What the f*ck did she think I had to be happy about or to celebrate? And why the check would I want her her tacky holiday family photo THEN? The holiday for me is just a reminder of the death and also of the selfish nature of people.

Yeah, I will admit this gets me too.... It reminds me of feeling like I got royally screwed out of some sort of fantasy. But not an unrealistic fantasy....one that should have been perfectly attainable. I could look at wedding pictures of others and not feel a thing.....but the white haired elderly couple walking down the street....they don't know how close they are to being decked by this young widow ;-) lol

Klim, big giant no on hot tub guy. He has made his motive and agenda clear. He must think ALL the women he meets are idiots. And you are right about the FB thing....we all do it probably....pretty normal is my guess. It would be another matter if your address was pulled up on Google maps, lol.

Captains Wife, I love your attention to detail.....catching that guys open "you page" on his screen is impressive. Most people don't catch those little things.

Hi Ruth. My husband died of suicide. Not violence. But he was mentally ill (severe ptsd from combat) and was VERY violent for the first few years of our marriage. I did believe he would end up killing me. However, this issue was eradicated with the introduction of medication for his ptsd.....So was not an issue for the final two years of his life. It is very surreal to look back on....I know I have looked at it with new eyes now.

I hate sensationalism. It disgusts me at my very core. "There is nothing that unusual happening that others whose spouse slowly died didn't do. I hate the glorification of it. " -OP I wouldn't call my husband's death public(well ok yes on a small scale) but certainly people saw what I did for him and freaked out with utterances like "ohhhhh wow you are amazing I could never do xyz" and it just grosses me out because what it means is that this person talking to me is a total sh*tbag if they truly would not do xyz for their spouse. I don't watch the media.....capitalizing on other people's suffering and struggles is vile. But at the same time if I am honest, I would sell my story for some cash since I was left with No extra financial resources.

I wear mine on my middle finger. Same hand. Not too far off from where it was meant to be. To me it feels right for the long term.

I am recoupled now.... But we live apart and will continue to do so for a long time I think. I really like having a relationship, but I LOVE having my space too. I never dated my dead husband, we just went from 0 to 60. This thing where I live apart from the man I am currently seeing is so awesome..... Its the best of both worlds. And that is a view I never thought I would have.

All right. This is a long one, on my successful-so-far ch2 that I met online. Husband died in July 2015.....I went numb, hard and fast. I was quick to look at the freaks on online dating websites. Like within the first couple weeks. I didn't make contact but I was very curious what was in my now radically altered future. It also distracted me from my reality. So over the next three months I would alternate between deactivating and reactivating my profile.....I changed the content a lot too. Like a lot of things from that timeframe in my life, I don't remember a lot from my online dating. I spent my time on match.... Okc had a poor selection and I tried some other site that ended up being a scam. Apparently ch2 had messaged me during my first creation of the profile in July. I have no memory of it... I had ignored his note a long with everyone else's. But we didn't start talking until he messaged me again in September. I received and ignored messages from virtually all other guys. One guy toI'd me I should change my profile pic to a different pic. I was too nice and said "yeah I like that one too, and was just thinking of changing it to that one too" but I never changed it. He messaged a couple weeks later complaining that I didn't change my profile pic. Lol. I just thought that was funny. I assume he was not really trying for a date. Anyway. Ch2 succeeded in getting me to reply to his message in september(a 2nd attempt). His opening line was a line of condolences about my husband. Now, let's be clear. His profile was utterly boring. And his pictures left a lot to be desired.....I did not find him attractive AT ALL. But I am a rational thinker....so when he sent the condolence note, I thought to myself "hmmm.... This says something about his character" and that is ultimately what I am after in a partner...... nothing else matters without solid character. So somehow I replied and we had some unremarkable conversation about a common interest(guns). But in that unremarkable conversation I learned something about him that got my attention and was a selling point for me(he is a former LEO). But I still felt like I really had to make myself respond to him.....the issue of being boring in his profile and of being ugly were strong deterrents to me. I thought "who is this guy? Why are we talking?" lol. But I had to remind myself to just give him a chance.....he clearly has a decent heart based on his initial message. And also guts to send that as a first note. I judge by actions, and his seemed solid so far. So I am really glad that I gave him a chance. We exchanged phone numbers (uncomfortable for me) and began texting..... I have never been a texter but it's far more palatable to me than a phone convo. I hate speaking on the phone for a myriad of reasons....I would really rather just talk face to face and have all the nonverbal feedback. So Anyway, we played 20 questions for a couple weeks, staying up way past our bedtimes. And we met for dinner one evening when our schedules lined up. Folks, this is one of the kindest, most sane, and utterly respectful human beings I have ever met. And simultaneously without sacrificing masculinity. When I sat down across from him I just thought "oh my god. this guy is SO normal!!" it was actually uncomfortable for me BUT I knew logically it was a good fit for me to be with someone so similar to me in temperament...I had never encountered that before. The context is that my life has been very chaotic and crazy with the husband....I was a full time caregiver to my erratic and chaotic husband who was permanently and totally disabled by PTSD from the war in Iraq. I was the calm while he was the storm 24/7. And this ch2, he is also calm like me.... Very level headed like me..... It is still so novel and interesting to be with someone who is so solid and sane. Oh and did I mention he was super handsome in person? Totally just unphotogenic. He didn't make any moves that first date. My experience with men in the past (when I guess I was very young and single, 18-21) was that men always had an agenda and that agenda was made clear early on. This ch2, I thought he might not even be interested in me because he was so polite. He wasn't gunning to get physical. I actually wondered if maybe he was just one of those men who had NO sex drive or maybe his ship just didn't sail. By his words, he just wanted to do things the right way. I also learned prior to meeting him that his ex was a widow(also to suicide). So none of the crazy things I have been through were a shock to him, nor did they make him uncomfortable. When my car needed a very expensive repair, he volunteered to do it feee. When my goat barn was gushing water through the roof in the winter, he drove out to my house and secured tarps to it while I was at work. When I my elliptical needed a repair and my chimney needed to be swept, I entrusted him with a key to my house to get it done while I was at work. And I have cameras....so yes, he was being tested. All this happened within the first three months together. He has consistently demonstrated outstanding character. And can you believe this gem found me online? Okay now here where it gets weird/difficult. Because of my life experiences, I do not trust. I basically always feel prepared to find out that I have been manipulated, used, lied to, etc.... So this was hard. If you read a few posts up, you see I ran a background check on another guy and found out he had been charged with attempted murder. I did a background check on ch2 and it came back clean. But I also do reverse image searches and I googled his name, with clean results. And also I googled his email handle when he gave it to me two months in. The latter item yielded some....very interesting results. *sigh* I found profiles on sex hookup websites like adult friend finder, and others(swingers). AFF didn't have pics but did have all the "online one day ago" stuff which I know is not legit because of how these websites operate. Ultimately I learned that these profiles we all make get sold and republished elsewhere(the AFF website was found indentically on about 15 other websites who have a nearly identical format, clearly a situation where profiles are being bought and sold and used to lure in newbies)..... If in fact he created a sex profile, I understand he may not have touched it in many years. There were no photos on AFF, but on another swingers website there is a naked (no face) pic that does appear to be him from a long time ago (no tattoos and different bathroom). He denies it is him. He also thought it is reasonable someone else has his handle and matching stats.....which seems insane to me. But then the DOB was confirmed as matching. SO he maintains vehemently that he has NEVER created any of these profiles. His train of thought is that his ex made them....maybe to make him look bad in court, who knows. And from what he has told me about his wacko ex before this issue ever came up, it IS consistent and plausible as something she could have done(her late husband and her were swingers...and she is also pretty mentally unstable).... I also do not see the profiles as consistent with his sexual conduct and/or functioning with me( TMI but he really had to get to know me before his anatomy worked...I think he is too tightly wound of a person to be comfortable and functional with a casual sexual encounter). This has been a very difficult trust hurdle for me to clear...and I may not be over it completely. But I have had to hold up and compare the profiles with who he is with me every day and face to face. Ultimately I am learning that trust is a choice and I have chosen to trust him - though I accept I could be wrong, but the risk is worth it. And if he made the profiles years ago(one was dated as created and active in 2009), then I just have to accept that as part of his past and focus on what is before me now. Anyway. Sorry this was so long.and sorry if this belongs in a thread of its own. Let me know if it does. I am still new here.

Klim, wow, kudos to you being brave talking to someone without a picture. To me that's forbidden territory. Partly on the basis of shallowness and partly on the basis of just wanting a face to a name.....even when I am talking to co-workers IRL, if they are talking about other people in their lives outside work, I find it super helpful whenever I get a visual to the characters in their lives.... I can somehow be a better listener that way lol. I am always a fan of the direct route though, if I was in your position I would be directly asking for a picture in the grounds of curiosity or having a face to a name. Or I would be so curious about their reason for opting out of a profile picture that I would ask why they choose to do so and throw in an "on that note, May I request a picture of you?" or something like that.

So I am on page 22 of this thread and am enjoying every post. Thank you to everyone who has contributed. I am going to prematurely contribute before I keep reading the thread to completion(will take a couple more days I reckon). First let me say I am getting close to 30, and so grew up in the dawn of internet technology as a kid. And the experience was not good. I learned that a lot of men of all ages are looking for kids to have sex with and if not, to send pix of their twinkies to. So I got jaded early on and learned how easily someone can manipulate others and conceal themselves.....period.. .but especially so online. Enter age 27 and my husband(who I met playing chess at Starbucks) has just died. I looked around online early on; kind of like going to the circus.....just wanting to see what kind of clowns I would have to sort through and deal with eventually. I corresponded briefly with one man, who was a REAL piece of work. First off, he lied about military service. He has NO military experience...but he claimed to have been in Afghanistan and in the marine corps....and to have been shot.....and he had a lot of bogus war stories. I kept asking questions and egging him on to see how far down the rabbit hole he would go. His primary problem is: I WAS MARRIED TO A MOTHERFU*KING MARINE. *ahem*. So. It gets better/worse, depending how you look at it. I did a background check on this f*ck. When he was 17 or 18, this maggot had an attempted murder charge. No joke.The loooooong string of other charges seem inconsequential compared to that. So anyway. Yes there are some real gems out there, even on match. I met my ch2 on match....we are going on nine months together now. I will make a separate post on him later when I am not so sleepy.

Hi alemja. I hope I am able to provide you with some kind of useful information here. I am a first-hand witness to my husband's highly gruesome death....also suicide. I have dealt with PTS since it happened a year ago. My husband had a lot of mental health issues......namely severe and debilitating/disabling PTSD from his USMC service in the Iraq invasion. I was his full-time caregiver. So I have developed a fairly intimate knowledge of PTSD in its most severe form. Me, I am coping with PTSD but am not totally disabled by it. Flashbacks, intrusive memories, severe avoidance of triggers, hypervigilance, anger, numbness.....these are the biggest beasts I am battling regularly. Like you, I also do not harbor anger or resentment toward my husband....as there was genuine stuff going on with him and I understand where he was at mentally. It is indeed very hard to watch someone is such a chronic state of distress. Dreams and flashbacks.....everyone is different. There is no one size fits all as far as scope of problems, results and changes and experiences with PTS symptoms. Some people experience a gradual remission of these symptoms over time. Some people experience a worsening of symptoms over time. Sometimes it correlates with a particular method of treatment and other times not. Yes there are avenues you can try to address the dreams and flashbacks....like emdr for example. Some people get good results with that and others are made worse. I also realize you dealt with some other things which can cumulatively be somewhat traumatizing......all of the chaos that the spouse of a mentally ill person has to field and handle has its own effect. Prior to medication my husband was horribly violent and made attempts in my life....thats adding another layer to my cake. That leads to the next thing..... Medication. I have my own opinions about the role of mind and heart altering medications. All I will say is 1) be careful and take everything as directed. 2) have a point and purpose to the meds....and determine if you are trying to treat depressive symptoms or PTS symptoms..... You will notice I drop the "disorder" part because flashbacks are f*cking normal when you endure and witness this type of trauma. NORMAL. That doesn't make it any easier but anyway.... You can have trauma reactions and symptoms of PTSD without having a full blown disorder. You can look up diagnostic criteria for yourself. But at any rate. You may or may not experience relief from your symptoms with or without treatment. Some things are treatment resistant and that's OKAY. It just means figuring out how to cope with the problems and navigate life with them in mind. Do your own research. Educate yourself. If you are not inclined that way, go to a psychiatrist and they can sort out options with you.

I have been with ch2 for nine months now......and we started seeing each other three months after my husband died. Me, I was emotionally numb.....severely.....and I still am in many ways. He fit the bill in so many ways but I felt nothing. It just didn't make sense for me..... And I felt bad about "leading him on" and continuing to date when the feelings were not mutual. I had been very upfront about my emotional numbness and lack of zest for him but he held out. Three months in I broke up with him and less than 24hrs later I undid that....realizing that I had a good guy and I should just give it more time....I realiZed more than ever that I wasn't cut out or ready to be in the dating pool. I got over some kind of hump here and some things are clicking and lining up. O can at least feel gratitude for him. It is a radically different type of relationship for me so I have a long ways to go BUT the key is that he is willing to be patient with me and doesn't expect anything from me emotionally. Anyway. I enjoy and appreciate his company and believe this will last. It is definitely a new experience for me to have someone grow on me over time....and the feeling of "yes" has been slow to develop..... My dead husband was an instant "this is the man for me" situation.... Anyway. Sorry to ramble and repeat. I encourage you to give him more time but yet be totally honest with where your heart and head are at. I hope this is some help to you.

I know I am a bit late replying..... But oh well. The man I have been seeing for nine months now....he has had to be very patient with me. I think it took me four months to "feel" anything.... Like I could have done without him I felt for those first months....in fact three months in I broke up with him for 12he's because I just felt nothing. It felt wrong and like I was stringing him along. But I had recognized that he had a certain set of attributes...and decided if he was going to be patient with me then I would be patient with me. I am so glad I stuck it out. He has been such an unexpected gift in my life. I still am pretty numbed out(trauma related to the death) comparatively..... But I feel some hook now and some certainty that I want to see this thing out. I too had been looking online for answers regarding whether I should keep seeing someone I felt nothing for..... And for me the answer was yes. But each situation is different.

Hi April. Sitting here with you. My husband was an iraq veteran(2003) who suffered debilitating ptsd, and also ended his life. I understand what you mean about being pitied. I really don't like it....it makes me feel like I am emotional entertainment to other people....like going to a movie you know will make you cry or reading a news article you know is disturbing just for the sake of feeling disturbed (for the record, I don't watch or read news or watch movies....but I know most people do). It's good that you know how your husband would feel about the matter and could proceed on his behalf. Here comes my big fat opinion....In some ways, I feel like focusing on the suicide is a cop-out. Its missing the point. I was my husband's full time caregiver, I saw his late night fits of sobbing and wailing......I lived with and witnessed his pain every day, and on many occasions i was made to suffer as well through violence in his pre-medication days. To me, I just see so many other pressing issues affecting veterans and their families.....things that come up long before the decision to die....things that might be easier to address, idk. I understand why my husband chose to die....I get it....and I have to respect his 12 years of choosing to live every day since his time in iraq when all he wanted to do was die. I see all of his strength through suffering, not just the ultimate wearing down of his soul. I see how so many people failed him and bailed on him on his return from iraq(his wife of 9years bailed). Those individuals should have given a sh*t then, not after the fact of his death. He was like a house on fire and everyone except me was too chickenshit to walk in. Anyway. Sorry to hijack the thread. It is just a relief and comfort to find another widow on here who has been to the ptsd rodeo and has been to the suicide circus too.