SemperFidelis

Thanks Arneal, you are so sweet. You even made me tear up. Thank you.

Well you guys. I will be joining you in the online dating world soon enough. Shit just ended with NG after 14months. I need a break, but I also don't want to avoid the hard work of dating....so I will probably start up sooner than later, maybe in a couple weeks once I see what my new school schedule is like....but then again maybe sooner because I am a curious bird. I am really trying to not be discouraged by all this.....I mean wow. Giving another man a fair shot is going to really test me....it's going to be hard But I must try to be as fair as I want to be treated. *deep breath* I'll keep everyone informed of whatever online dating adventures I have, lol. But deep down I am hoping I just meet someone in the real world..... That's how I met LH.

Well, for anyone following this thing..... It finally ended. It's over. It was a hell of a ride you guys. The grand finale issue got serious attention this past 10 days. This issue has been explained in another thread.... It is that early on I found old online sex profiles featuring him. And he lied and lied and lied and denied that they were his. This week I was met with consistent denial and lies and claims of honesty and swearing on his children's lives(whatever that means). Just like when I confronted him the first time. But I maintained my no-bullshit stance. Friday night I told him it was time for us to go our separate ways. And VOILA! He came clean. Partly. He admitted to one profile but was still trying to save face and lied through his teeth. He started to dry heave and get teary(unusual for him)....and he even dropped to his knees and grovelled. All while promising not to keep any more secrets from me. Lol. After I left he texted like crazy after that with expressions of deep sorrow, hitting rock bottom, swearing he hasn't told any other lies, swearing he has been truthful and will forever be truthful from me because he has nothing left to lose. It was all bullshit though. I had one more final in person conversation with him last night, and he ended up giving me permission to go through his phone. Yeah. Needless to say I got concrete confirmation that all the websites I found were in fact his and he basically spent several years on those websites ALL DAY EVERY DAY..... Exchanging sex talk and naked pics with over 150 women. Many expressions of desire to meet for sex. He even was corresponding with one man to arrange a double penetration with a female. He followed through with this. So all my instincts were dead on motherfucker. Goddamnit.

I am still learning this myself. I had minimal time for myself when DH was alive....although I had managed some level of self care in the last three months or so of his life. Now those activities no longer satisfy me. So I am figuring it all out..... I do a lot of reading now, which I did a lot of before I ever met LH. I simply enjoy the company of my dogs.... I recently started using a punching/kicking bag at home and I really enjoy that. But more than anything, I have gotten some happiness from fixing the things inside of me that I didn't have the motivation to address when LH was alive. I am bettering myself; and that's the most I can really ask for.

If possible, be gentle on yourself. Its normal to make poor or otherwise different decisions after extreme stress. Totally normal. You cannot control or change the decisions you made in the past(recent or distant) but you can control and change the decisions you make now and in the future.

Funny timing; I had to swap out my car battery today too....never done that before. I was for a while convinced I had the wrong tool to get some nuts off and then realized I was trying to turn them the wrong way *facepalm* I'm experiencing the other side of things with this though.... Relief that I am not managing his effed up emotional state surrounding a simple task. He had very unreasonable reactions to basic tasks....which is why I did everything. But even then if I was doing something he wouldn't do for me, he would be fairly strung out about me doing something I don't known how to do..... Because I might do something "stupid". So today I could figure out how to change my battery and not have him react as if I am performing open heart surgery on him after watching a how-to YouTube video.

Yes the tiredness..... For me it ebbs and flows. The only correlation I have found is that I am most tired when I have the most on my plate. I will think it's improving, but then it comes back with a vengeance....And each time it is here, it feels like it is permanent.

I sense that my relationship with NG is entering a new stage. We've been dating for 14 months now. I was widowed 17months ago. We have such a lovely time when we are together, it's an ideal fit in that way. Our temperaments mesh beautifully. I am thankful for him and how he compliments my life. I love a lot of things about him, but there are a lot of things I am increasingly resentful of. There have been a lot of issues, and they are increasing over the past couple of months....and they never get 100% resolved. I acknowledge that I have swept a lot of issues under the rug...maybe it's because honestly I haven't had the emotional stamina to fight hard or courage to rock the boat. But my strength is returning and I can look at the issues with a bit more sobriety and a bit more "hey wait a minute, that's not gonna work long term". He can do something weird one time and that's fine, but when it turns into a recurring pattern then I am quite concerned. LH was a Marine, so I lived in a situation with NO EXCUSES. Insane accountability and responsibility. I am a better person for it and a better judge of the world around me for it. In my attempt to do the right thing, I have made excuses for NG. But I have a limited supply of those. I believe the supply has been tapped out. The list of concerning behaviors is long....too long to detail out here. Honestly I have lost a lot of optimism about our future. In October I predicted(in my head) the relationship would end within 6 months. Giving these issues time to resolve isn't working. If we are going to move forward, tough conversations will need to take place. I am done cutting slack, done looking the other way, and I am now placing responsibility squarely on him. If he wants to make this work, that's now his responsibility. I will now give the gift of accountability to him that my LH gave to me....(but without going into DI mode lol). My role is to be forward in communicating what behaviors are not going to work long term, and to give him the opportunity to make changes. Now I know the rule of thumb is that you cannot change a person. I personally think some people have a propensity and ability and willingness to change.... I am one. Others do not.... And I suspect he is one of those. But I will give him the fair chance to change his ways. I heard once the saying, "beware the wrath of a patient man" and while there is no wrath foreseeable, it may feel that way to him as I change my approach to him to a "no bullshit" approach. This past week I have point blank told him "this is my expectation" and "this is your flaw". Each time that he tried to shift the blame on me, I directed him back to himself. Last night's topic was the fact that every time there is relational turbulence(a lot lately), he always tells me "well then maybe you need to go find some other guy. Or maybe you already found one". I think it's a diversion tactic and a manipulative tactic. I told him I am tired of the breakup threats and the infidelity accusations. We were able to constructively converse about that. This is a starting place for the upcoming conversation points that need to take place. We will see what the future holds. I hope he can make right what he has made wrong. I am currently making right what I have made wrong by no longer accepting bullshit. I think there are some issues he can make some headway on. And I am starting with those. But the grand finale issue is going to take a serious level of humility from him. I hope he will be ready for it, so we can enjoy the rich future we are both capable of.

Thank you for posting. Yes, I laughed at his last words....can't plan that stuff ;-) I don't think it's morbid to know you could handle a hypothetical future horrible scenario like you mentioned..... I feel the same way.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet here. It's possible he was only maintaining contact with you to "keep tabs on you". I would also wonder about his supposed gf/fiance; could be just a tactic to try to hurt you the way he apparently felt hurt that you had even considered another man. And yeah, I think mrskro is spot on about the script....

Gawd, I've been dreaming of one of these for over a year now.... As I recall quite spendy. But you know, maybe I will look at them again. I have a credit card now for emergencies....Does this count? Lol

Yeah, I'd say the fact that he wants time with you without sex is a good indicator..... I'd say go for it, give it a shot. What you are describing with your interaction with him sounds lovely. Yes there is risk of being hurt but that is in every relationship.

Funny how things go with this process. Just had to count on my fingers how many months it's been and cried. 17 months. Don't know why that did it to me. But to my original point.... Photos of him never bothered me. His mother couldn't look at photos for a while, meanwhile I had no issue looking at his pictures.... I couldn't understand why it would be upsetting. (To be fair there *was* one out of 250+ photos that made me sob, just because of the look in his face) But now here I am and I am weepy when I look at all the photos..... Lame.... Has anyone else had this delay in reactions/feelings with things we have looklooked at a zillion times? I guess our anniversary is coming in a few days.... Would have been 7 years married.

Thanks for the update. So glad to hear you are feeling and doing much better these days despite the craziness.

Yeah.... :-\

Yes adley you are right about the prosthetic comparison. This life after death(that is as lived by the widow) is irritating shit..... I just miss the ease of how things were before, even when they weren't easy.

You've got a lot happening, Maureen. Congrats on the end coming up. I am encouraged by the fact that you have gone so far with schooling after everything..... I started school in January (five months after being widowed), and it's been so hard to juggle work, school, NG, and mental health. Congrats. I am excited for what lies ahead for you!

I understand. Thank you for posting.

Congrats scorpiogirl on taking the leap to be honest. Sounds like it went well ::-) Keep us posted on how things develop.

Thanks for the replies. Glad to know I'm not the only one with a foot stuck in each world.

Unfortunately he turned in the application yesterday. :-\

Yeah, that's a pickle of a situation for your stepdaughter to put you in. Not very smart on her end, not to mention. Kudos to your guy though for smartly putting you above his friend on the list, lol. It's the little things, right?

Ugh, great. This pot is about to get stirred again. NG asked me if I would be a reference on his job application for a police position....something he has done in the past and wants to return to. Without hesitation I said yes. But I should have said no, or rather asked him if he was sure about including me. I fully support him getting back into law enforcement, I can see how he would be great at it.....And I know it would be good for him. I want him to get the position, no question there. However I am not about to lie if I am asked if I have any reason to question his honesty. I don't know what questions will be asked but I have a hunch matters of honesty and character will come up. I'm not sure also if it will be a phone call or a form I get in the mail and fill out. Part of me wants to tell him I am concerned about this coming up, and give him the opportunity he deserves to clear himself with me in that arena......then I can give a reference that is both honest and 100% positive. But as things stand, I think he may not get the position with how I would answer the questions....even though I think he is fully capable of doing the job well in spite of his failure to take responsibility for certain things in his past. Yugh....I am non-confrontational and I don't like drama..... We've been comfortably moving forward and the last thing I want to do is bring this shit up again. I have no desire to rock the boat. Not to mention I really don't want to hold his potential job hostage. So the path of least resistance sounds extremely appealing to me; I would loooove to lie out my ass but that's just not how I operate. I will always take the more difficult path if it is the right thing to do. So right now I guess I am just hating being in this position....I feel like I am being tested somehow, and I don't like it. It's a lesson I learned from LH.....always tell the truth whether it's convenient or not. Unless of course it's a modern day Gestapo asking if you have any Jews in your attic....in that case, lie. Lol. LH was the most respectable person I have met, because of his honesty.....even when he behaved in profoundly unrespectable ways, he never denied it. It left an enduring impression on me, of how and who I want to be.....minus the unrespectable actions. Anyway.

So strange CW. I never experienced it but from what I gather it is somewhat common. So strange to me....what are these people thinking?

I am deeply sorry for your loss..... 20 years is such a long time my friend. And no, you are not insane for reacting how you do and feeling what you do. And all the harder I think when your family is so far as yours is.