SemperFidelis

Really well said.

Yeah that would definitely be jarring. I haven't heard the word referring to me yet.....but I think it would be a little surreal to say the least.

I can relate to what you wrote. Past tense anyway. 3.5 months in to dating NG, I broke up with him(only lasted about 18hrs) on the basis that I just felt nothing for him. He fit my criteria for what I was looking for and all around was just a logical good fit for me with long term compatibility. But I felt wrong being with someone I felt no attachment or connection to..... Meanwhile I could see his attachment for me. And the glaring nature of my numbness made me feel like a monster.... It felt like a recurring reminder of what I was apparently no longer capable of....I saw and felt my own brokenness. Anyway. I felt like by waiting any longer I would be leading him on or hurting him more in the long run. I have dealt with a lot of numbness And I was worried it would be permanent. I also had an instant connection to LH so that was my only point of relationship comparison. Thankfully I didn't stick with the break up plan..... I knew that he truly was a good fit for me and it shouldn't matter how I FELT.... All that mattered was who he was, not how warm and fuzzy I didnt feel inside. You know, it took a long time..... The attachment and the feelings. I thought they would never come....and I had accepted that they would not. Like 2ManyQuestions mentioned, an attachment isn't necessary to decide that you want to move forward with someone and try to build something with that person. For me deep attachment, warm fuzzy feelings, and love took about 9 months to start to fester. We've been together nearly 12months now. Only very recently have the full swing of feelings been felt. Its very intense and refreshing....and to be honest it's a total anxiety trigger too - I seem to have a backlash of it after feeling something very strongly for NG. Anyway. I Do understand and see now that perhaps my expectation had been unrealistic early on.... I wrongly thought all relationship beginnings were always loosely based on mutual connectedness and perhaps a twitterpated attachment. So it was a good thing that I had decided to pursue a relationship with him in spite of my total lack of attachment and connection to him. Those things have sloooooowly developed. I am so thankful. Its definitely a different relationship format than I experienced before with LH.

Not male but.... I think beards have become kind of a trendy thing so maybe he is going for that look..... LH never could grow a very substantial beard. Genetics I think. But at least it was more than six long black hairs lol. Sorry you are having to witness your sons awkward "trying a beard" phase. Maybe he needs to make friends with some males(ok I will include females too to be PC) with real beards so that he can see how woefully inadequate his is? Sometimes it just takes a little perspective?

Congrats Sunshine 😊 Glad to hear you found someone you are meshing with!

You took the words outta my mouth. To me it just seems like it anyone is to put the "noteworthy" day aside for the greater good of another person, it's this guy. Let the mourners mourn on their day (or do whatever they do to honor the life of the dead).

Yeah :-( Indeed a thoughtless remark.... That would send me into tears too.

Blah. Odd predicament. As far as what to do next year..... How can you possibly know? I mean planning is great but there is only so much of that you can do and eventually you just have to ride the wave the best you can. I'm also a little iffy about all the responsibility for it being laid on you you as if it's your fault. If I was him I would be offering to celebrate my birthday on another day. But that's just me....I am also one of those people who doesn't give two rips about my birthday or anyone else's. So we wind up back at the fact that this is pretty individual.

Yeah, I think "hell of a year" sums it up well. And I think this numbness is normal.....given what you've been through. But I don't think it is any reflection of how much you care For and love your grandpa.

Smart thinking.

Well, as long as these dating sites are using my picture in another state on the other side of the country....I can cope with that. Otherwise I'd be pretty embarrassed to be showing up locally on a dating site now. I live in a small-ish area and I saw several familiar faces when I was on Match. I'd hate for local yokels to see me on there at present.....especially when I am now in a relationship.

I would say I have a low grade anger brewing under the surface at all times now. I'm 15months out. I'm not by nature an angry person but I have definitely become more of one. For me, having my NG in my life has been instrumental in soothing my heart and mind..... Having the need for "healthy touch l" met keeps me from going over the edge. I never thought someone could make such a positive difference in my life.

Good grief. Sounds like you dodged that bullett

Gawd, the nerve of some people. This was quite interesting and entertaining to read everyone's different accounts of these crazy people. I grew up in a house where money just wasn't talked about....not something that you have a casual conversation with anyone about. You can imagine my continual horror as I go through life and find that most people find it totally acceptable to talk about money. In fact I find that sometimes that is ALL people want to talk about. Anyway. That said. I haven't directly or indirectly had anyone ask for money or hint that they want money. A couple people have asked if I am taking any vacations which shocked me because LOL in what world am I suddenly in a position to take a vacation? Hahaha. I did get an influx of cruise lines calling my phone after he died....I guess they learned about a new widow somehow and were hoping I came into some money. I do assume that people think I have money, so I uncomfortably make a point to drop comments about money related things like "thank god it's payday" things that communicate that I am not loaded..... Because I am not loaded. No life insurance payout. No mortgage payoff. I have far less money than when he was alive.... I lost a very generous VA benefit when he died, which no one even knows i was getting in the first place. Anyway. Whatever I did not inherit financially I have undoubtedly inherited in spirit/heart/character..... For that wealth not of this world I can be grateful, and aim to share it somehow. But no one asks about that wealth ;-)

Ugh I feel for you. But then again I am also made very thankful that my own projects left to me seem comparatively small. I had boxes of unsorted paperwork from the last 15yrs of my husband's life. Every receipt, Bill and document is saved in those boxes. Ugh. Your leftovers seem like a hell of a massive project for one person. I like what trying2breathe did....to me that sounds like the ideal way to deal with what is on your plate. Portside makes it nicely simple too.....let the hogs have what the hogs want.

I had recurring dreams in childhood, and then not again until this past year. (husband died July 2015) It's a different dream each time but the content is essentially the same. LH is returned from the dead, and I *should be* so happy but I am not. Instead I am panicked because I am dating someone now and what in the world am I supposed to do now? Who is supposed to have my loyalty? To whom Am I relationally obligated? Am I supposed to break up with NG because my first/original obligation is to LH? (If so then I am sad to break up with NG.) Or am I supposed to try to explain to LH that I have a wonderful boyfriend now and cannot resume our relationship even though he's not dead anymore? (if so then I am sad to essentially break up with LH). It is a dream with much internal conflict. Whenever I wake I have relief "thank god he is still dead" which sounds terrible but whatever....it resolves the feeling of conflict lol. Anyone else have some variant of this dream? I know it is related to my waking state....I do struggle with not knowing how to exactly honor my husband as I eagerly move forward with NG. I feel loyalty to each of them but in different ways that are hard to merge.

Congrats 😊 What a beautiful family.

I am sorry for your loss and the traumatic nature of it as well. I'm also very sorry about the loss of your critters too ::-( as an animal lover myself. Is there any way for you to get them to a home where you can still have contact with them? I can say that my LH got out of the car several times when he was angry and drunk. I did the same thing as you, drove up a ways and turned around to come back and see if he was agreeable to get in the vehicle again. Same decision different result. So no, it's not your fault. If you had slowly trailed along side him the same drivers could have hit you AND him at the same time....or rather hitting you, causing you to then hit him.

She's a sick fuck. But to each their own.

Kate, thank you for taking the time to write out your detailed and rich post. I appreciate the opportunity to hear from those so much further out.

I took mine off after a month. I just wanted to get it over with. Didn't want it to be some stupid thing people whisper about "she hasn't taken it off! Doesn't she know he's dead?" I could just imagine the drama. My heart still felt married, and that's what mattered. And I acknowledged and honored the new state of things by wearing his ring and dogtag on a necklace for about six or seven months. My marriage band lives on my left middle finger. I think that's where it looks best and where it is best honored. Just one finger over. I imagine it will rest there forever. For me the bigger step became shedding the dogtag with his marriage band. Somehow that felt like more of a meaningful step for me.

I returned to work after two weeks. Would have gone back sooner but with all the visitors it wouldn't have felt right. But I really wanted to keep as much if my routine and as much normalcy as I could.

Yeah looking back I see how crazy it is the way I met my husband. We were both stinky coffee shop bums, bumming at the same place. We played a game of chess together and that was that. Chess match made in heaven ;-) I consider myself to have been very lucky. Now I met NG online. Don't think I would have met anyone any other way now....the last place I want to be is where there are people lol. Really though I would be clueless how to meet someone. I don't know how it's done. I am just thinking of the married people I know and thinking of how they met: Online; dated in HS; at a bar; through friends; through work; through church

Yeah. I wouldn't have had any clue it was going on except I went to a veteran caregiver support group....and the host of it brought up suicide prevention week or month or whatever the hell it is. I was quick to raise the bullshit flag. She was basically saying "get rid of your guns to prevent veteran suicide". What horse manure. My veteran didnt choose one of our many guns to commit suicide. He was a goddamned Marine, he would have done it with a toothpick if he had to. I just hate the idea of blame being laid on a SOS. What if one of the caregivers in the group has their veteran die of suicide? Will she be left feeling like she should have or could have prevented it? Gawd. It's sick shit...these false senses of security people seek.

That's fantastic. Thank you for sharing :-)