SemperFidelis

Gosh, I am sorry for all that you are dealing with. What a mixed bag of emotions you must have going on. I'm wishing you the best in sorting all of this out and heading toward some sort of something.....whatever it is that needs to happen for you.

Yes, exactly. You totally got what I was saying.

See You Again - charlie puth This one soaks me.

Klim, very interesting experiment. Thank you for posting!

As I am well into the next chapter of life...I find myself in a strange state. Two opposites seem to co-exist with one another. I am sad for the friend that I lost, but so very thankful for the lessons I learned from him and the ways I grew while with him. It was a hell of a ride I am better for. But I am thankful for the experiences I am having, which I can only have without him. He was mentally ill and knew it....and he knew he could never be the man he thought I might have deserved. Of course I knew nothing different, so I loved him without the comparison of anything else. I had NO sense of lacking, even though I now know I was lacking A LOT. Now that I am with someone not mentally ill, I am so thankful for the wild things I am experiencing with him. I felt from the first week that LH had sent NG....I don't literally believe that, but that is the feeling I experience nonetheless. Fast forward a year with NG and I do still feel that what I have with him is a gift from LH. LH ended his life, his own chronic suffering. And in the process he gave me the gift of an opportunity to experience love in a radically different capacity than I could have ever had with him. And it's a gift I never wanted, and a gift I have accepted not without kicking and screaming and utmost cynicism....and outright rejection at times. But LH did want me to be happy(i was already happy with him), and I guess somehow he knew I would be ok in the end.....he knew what and who he could not be. I know if he's a witness to me now, he's happy. And yes, I can tell him I'm okay and everything is okay for me....just like he said it would be, but I had vehemently denied. Anyway..... I had just flipped through photos and looked at that face I knew so intimately. That face that I miss seeing. And I have managed to cry. Who knew sadness and longing could live so closely to such thankfulness for what I have because of or in spite of the loss? It seems sick and fucked up in some way but I do know it is what he wanted. His mother and his brother and his son.... They will experience no gains with this loss. I feel some weird version of survivor guilt...guilty for my gains because I know they won't have any.

Serpico, I like your take on it.

Oh dear November. That's brutal. NG had a serious foul mouth odor for the first month or two. I really really thought it could be a deal breaker for me..... I mean, it was BAD. And it was so pungent that after kissing, there was a stinky residue that stuck to my face (you know right below my nostrils too) I could not seem to wipe off on my drive home. It was vile. But he had so many other good things going for him, I told myself I would address this at some point if things continued to progress with him. Well, after a month of dating he ended up in the hospital related to kidney issues and he nearly died. He was lying in the hospital bed and he would want me to kiss him but holy shit. Even sitting near him was BAD news. So I finally made the grimace l had been holding back and told him, "whoa, you need to brush your teeth....you clearly haven't since being in the hospital. That's nasty. I'll buy you a toothbrush and toothpaste" So I did. And after that, it hasn't been an issue. I do not know if he simply started maintaining oral hygiene(he uses mouthwash before kissing me lately), or if not eating for a few weeks effectively "cleansed" whatever stink was in his mouth..... I know he also switched from mountain dew to 7up, and overall changed some eating habits. I have since confessed to him that his mouth wreaked before the time in the hospital. I might be too honest sometimes. Lol.

Congratulations first off ::-) Second, I can totally see the weirdness in reciting the death bit. Its a distant reality for non-widows I think, and just carries a bit more of a darkness for the widowed. I wouldn't want to recite that bit either now that I think about it. Weddings are for celebrating the life part together, not preparing for the death part.....Let that be settled outside the wedding arena.

SW, glad you identified the BS. Sounds like you've got enough detachment to handle his issues in a healthy way. Sounds like you have made some changes internally to better take care of your heart and mind.

Yes....It's really a very surreal thing..... Even 16 months out its surreal and nonsensical to think about. I can't really wrap my mind around it.

Totally common and normal. I replaced a lot of furniture in my house and repainted the bedroom..... I don't know why but it helped me cope. It was like taking the edge off of things somehow. Life changed so radically, it just made sense for me to change other things to make the blow of the biggest change a little less. I had to make my house my own instead of "ours". I couldn't sleep in my bedroom til I re-did it......I have one of his paintings me made for me hanging above the bed now too. When I got a new bed, it was something I could get excited about. I just had to look at it that way....a distraction....a positive in a sea of negative..... Diverting a negative force into some kind of positive thing. Anyway. Yes. Normal.

I think each listener will have a different level of xomfort or discomfort with it....just depending on the inherent nature of the individual and also their life experiences. Some people will break a sweat and others will naturally understand your need and desire to talk about the deceased. That said, I am of the mindset that how they feel doesn't matter. Do what YOU need to do in the moment. Let them do the adapting....you are doing ENOUGH adapting as it is.

Aww, Arneal thank you for sharing that moment of sharing between you and NG. So simple and beautiful.

Somehow or another I was raised(I am 28) with the concepts of the five love languages being talked about in my household. It became more relevant as I was moving out and into a roommate situation. But at any rate, it's an invaluable but of info, I can thank my folks for early exposure to it. On honeymoon periods..... The relationship pattern NG and I have had has been an odd one. I definitely was aware of and watched his rise and fall of euphoria. I never reached a state of euphoria, nor did I have a honeymoon stage like he did. But I experienced a marked rise in overall delight and joy about 10 or 11 months in with NG. The hardest parts of the relationship for me were the first six to nine months....no honeymoon period for me to speak of despite how amazing NG is. It took me a long time to get there. But I think part of me needed to see that he was going to still be around after HIS excitement wore off......I couldn't begin to have a smiling heart until I saw that this would be a lasting thing.

Beautiful, Lush Southern Oregon.

We live apart and have pretty conflicting work schedules. So we definitely aren't anywhere near glued at the hip, lol. No issues doing stuff independently. :-)

Love it, MrsDan. And I love getting a face to a username :-)

No kidding, what a smart guy!

Interesting suggestion. Hadn't really considered it, since I don't spend time with anyone other than him, and only once every few months with the in-laws when they visit (my own immediate family is out of state)....so I don't have much comparison. I've always had my social/friendship needs met via my significant other and at work. So this kinda makes me want to run an experiment sometime and see how he reacts if I spend time with a neutral individual. Now......how to find said individual.....lol.

Aww, sweet :-) Sounds like he has very good taste too! My NG woo'd me in the beginning with gifts of ammunition....several boxes of shotgun shells, lol. I guess he knew the way to my heart!

Arneal, what a sad situation with your son's friend. Good for you for taking her calls...glad you are stepping up to the plate where others are bailkng. It does amaze me what influence a new partner can have on a parent..... My BIL basically never sees his son due to gf's jealousy issues with the kid....I always chalked it up to him being overall pretty dim. Guess it must happen more often than I realize. That's exactly what I told NG....I don't see any signs that there are problems. I take my cues off the kid, and they're all good. For that I am very thankful. I think NG's weird insecurity had him scrutinizing every little thing looking for problems where there aren't any.

Mizpah, he definitely got a strong dose of reassurance on top of the "get the fuck over it" message.....there shouldn't have been any question of where my heart is at this point anyway. But sometimes no amount of verbal reassurance soothes an insecure soul. I had to remind him that he will someday die too, and if he wants me to abandon his kids and family at that point then I am the wrong woman for him. The very traits he is viewing as a threat should in fact be seen as an asset. It's ironic because one of the main issues he had with an ex of his was that she was behaving jealous of his kids....hmmmm... Also odd because another ex of his (and mother to his son) was also a widow. So this isn't his first widow rodeo. I can only assume she must not have been on good terms with her in-laws or something, making for a more empty slate. I guess he didn't get the memo that all widows are different.

Thanks for the validation, Julester. At least he didn't try to argue about it when i addressed the issues through text earlier. That tells me he knows on some level he's off base. In person tonight I gave him a verbal rendition of the earlier texts so he could get some tone of voice to my words. Again, no argument from him. That seemed to tune him up, because his demeanor returned to normal by the end of the visit. We'll see how it goes next time I visit with my stepson(probably December). It's just insane that this has even been an issue. NG clearly has some issues he needs to work through.

Good god. I spent yesterday afternoon hiking with my 15 yr old stepson, and since then NG has been acting super weird. Turns out he still views maintaining contact with my stepson to be a sure sign I am "stuck in the past". ****facepalm**** Give me a break. He got a nice ear-full, or rather text-full, from me about that. It went on though. It is coming out that he isn't happy with how I am with his 7yr old son. The kid is great in my opinion, and is thoroughly delighted by my company every time I see him. He's an easy kid....there are no issues with us getting along. Anyway. NG apparently thinks it is like pulling teeth for me to say hi to the kid. Really? He is 40 and feeling threatened by an afternoon spent with my family? I guess he expected me to disown my stepson after his dad fucking died in front of me???? And now my relations with his own son are inadequate? He's had similar issues when I have spent time with my MIL. I did expect him to get over this crap, but apparently it's not sinking in for him. Bleh. Just blowing off some steam. Thanks for listening. I don't think I really knew what I was getting into when I started dating. This shit is weird.

Words of wisdom, right there.