SemperFidelis

Thanks everyone for your replies. It was really nice to hear all the perspectives. Jess, I think you hit on a big one..... The desire to avoid looking like you are dishonoring the deceased spouse. I am sorry that people still saw it that way in your life. What a weird world that people think they have the whole picture on someone else's life.

I am so delighted by my ch2. Yet, I have no desire to gush about him. I work in customer service. When my husband died, everyone at work knew and many clients knew too....not by my own choosing. I was always very proud of my ch1, and was never bothered by the occasional regular client who would ask about my personal life. But now I find myself sort of appalled by any question about my personal happenings. A very sweet regular client(who knew my husband died) recently asked if I had a boyfriend. And I was so caught off guard. It felt like it was none of her business. Glad to talk about ch1 with her because he's already on the discussion block. But I don't want spectators to whatever happens in my life now. I don't want anyone being happy for me, nor passing negative judgement. So I fumbled on my words and just said "uhhhmm, maybe -- that's kind of a weird question." She apologized, and I elaborated "that's my personal life, and I rather just leave my private life at home and come to work and do my job". Ch2 will die one day or maybe the relationship will just go to shit.....why would I want to involve this lady in that? Or anyone else for that matter? And I guess it just got me thinking. These days I just don't want to have an audience to my life. I just want to live it in privacy. Someday when ch2 dies, I don't want a local world of onlookers getting off on my misfortune like it's entertainment. I also don't want to open the door to people saying more stupid shit (like the c*nt who told me "it's a good thing your husband died") I also worry about sending the wrong message to people if they know about ch2. Just because I have a ch2 doesn't mean I am doing amazing or moved on or whatever bullshit-feel-good thing they want to perceive. I don't want congratulations. If they want to congratulate me on something it shouldn't be being dateable, it should be for being an outstanding wife to my dead husband. I'd take that. I haven't been on Facebook in 7years. I am so glad for that.....so glad that my trauma didn't have to unfold publically on Facebook. I have told precisely three non-family people about ch2. Its really hard for me to do...I drop it in the most casual way feasible. My ch2 had been feeling like he was a secret in my life.....and for a long time he was. I am just sloooowly letting the lid off about him. But not getting detailed at all. And honestly, I'm content if no one else at work knows about him from here on out. I am not ashamed of him...he is an amazing gift to me, I am so grateful for his presence in my life And especially during such a strange time in my life. But I don't want to talk about that with anyone but family who knows more nitty gritty details about my situation. How have others here dealt with matters of privacy? For those of you on FB, did you find your manner of using it changed surrounding the death of your spouse? And what about your ch2? How do you feel discussing the presence of your ch2 in your life with various people?

Not super direct experience but.... I had a friend whose identical twin decided to go from Andrew to Alice. I don't know how many years this lasted....not how far into the transition he got. . But he did change his mind....went back to Andrew. In his case, his family has a history of mental illness.....and also their father molested the one who went trans and also committed suicide when the boys were 10. Soooo. I know that much. I also have had a client at my workplace who appeared to me to be a totally normal woman. No crazy makeup or clothing routine just an average jane with an average husband. Turns out she used to be a dude. Never woulda guessed. I also know it's normal for teens and young adults to experiment with their sexuality and identity. Regardless, as a couple other commenters noted.... let love lead and guide you. That's all that really matters; unconditional love and acceptance.

Welcome to the forum. Sorry that you had to find us but glad you did in this crazy time. My husband ended his life in July 2015. I have been poking around this forum since May or so, and have found it very helpful.

Sunshine.....good grief. That's all I can say for now, lol

Finding something funny always gets me because our humor was so alike. So memes and funny YouTube videos really get me. Its hard not being able to share them with him.

We didn't do any travelling but we had been planning a big road trip for two months after his death...... I planned that thing soooo extensively and was sooooo excited for it. We had never vacationed together before. I know that I still want to go to one of those places(southern Utah and northern az) for a couple weeks someday. And I know it will be hard without him..... I guess I will try to look at it as a memorial trip.... Odd as that may sound.

Interesting to hear different perspectives on questioning, and how soon to meet. I didn't ever understand the introductory message of "how's it going?" or "how was your weekend?" call me crazy but I find those to be sort of personal questions, because we have no clue what's going on in each other's personal lives.....and especially being a widow there's just a lot of stuff not ideal for first date discussion.....and I'm not one for pat empty exchanges. That's just me. I would rather share those kind of casual exchanges once mutual and genuine care and interest has been established. Then it feels more meaningful. I like to get the nitty gritty of someone's life....I ask lots and lots of questions(but not hypothetical imaginary stuff.....more like questions about family relations, values, life experiences)so I can construct an image of who this person is. And I will repeat questions later down the road to check for consistency. Ch2 and I waited two weeks to meet....which was a bit long for both of us but it's what our schedules permitted. We got a lot of texting in, in the meantime. Not into the phone conversation thing...... I don't have a good auditory memory so I really rely on a combination of clear words(text) and on nonverbal body language..... Having the visual feedback helps me remember what someone says too.......and HOW they said it.

Thanks for posting. I'm 13.5months out and find it helpful to hear from people further out like you.

This is normal. It's common for feelings and attitudes to ebb and flow.....and my bet is that as a natural part of that process you will ebb and flow right back out of the depression. But you might return. Nine of this is predictable except that it is not predictable. I hope this dip eases for you soon, but I know it's hard.

Congratulations Maureen. What a good feeling to be on the final run. I have new respect for anyone completing anything to do with school. I started in January, six months after losing my husband. I have been on summer break and will start again at the end of September. Its been very difficult for me. Working, Schooling, grieving, dating, and trying to mentally care for myself. It's a career change required for me to keep my home and be able to pay my mortgage. But it's also required to keep me happy in life and apply what I learned with my husband in a meaningful way. Can't wait to get school done and be over that hump.

I can't really say my death view is drastically different. The main thing is that death is now a real thing....no longer something I have merely read about or heard about. I feel a little more aware of the permanence of it.....a little extra incentive to live "right", because I only have one shot at this life thing.

Oh Bunny, I completely understand where you are coming from....And so totally admire your journey to let go of some attachment to this stuff too. My husband and I shared a phone so we don't have texts..... But he was a wonderful story teller and posted a lot on Facebook. In the first month following his death I went through and read every Facebook post he had....and hand picked the memorable ones and put them into a word document. I printed off a bunch to give out at his ceremony. I have leftover packets and it is such a comfort to pull one out and read over his writings.

Bleh. Shame on that person for saying something like that.

Yes, definitely an encouraging post. I am not going through a breakup, but it felt like a distinct possibility the other night. I'm happy for you in the place you reached....what a beautiful thing.

Mrskro, wow....just wow...bizarre.

I am 28. Married at 21. Widow at 27. I had sort of a breakthrough the other night. I don't know if anyone else is like this but I will feel "off" for a period of time (in this case about 6weeks) and the strength of that feeling grows until I take a (relatively) giant emotional dump. I am 13.5 months out... The dominant issue surrounding this whole loss and trauma(i was a witness to his gruesome death) has been numbness(flashbacks, intrusive memories and trigger avoidance are others).....and just some overall inarticulable change. I feel stuck in some weird purgatory where the world is without color, but somehow I can see more detail in the greys and it's not good detail. I don't feel positive things(even if I am laughing sooooo hard it's just not the same feeling, it's empty), and I don't get pleasure out of things I used to. I don't feel depressed or hopeless. But I wish I could see the world the way I used to.... I wish I could be a beacon of stable radiant joy like I used to. When I was 20 I knew my purpose in life was to serve and support struggling returned veterans of combat in one way or another. I got to live out that purpose in my marriage. I made a difference in this man's life and that is my greatest pride. The war at home was unfathomable and I never expected it to be the way it was. Most women either don't survive or they quit. But we were fortunate, hard work and perseverance prevailed. I got my sense of meaning and purpose from both the fight, being a vital part of his life, and in the last two years from the victory of addressing one very very prominent symptom of his which have him(and I) great relief and peace and happiness. I am so proud of how I spent my 20s. I underwent a profound growth and transformation in those six years, going from victim to victorious. But that meaning and that purpose..... I no longer have those granted to me daily. The war is over for me(and for him, now finally), and the world outside of it is vapid. I am not sure even what kind of grieving I have done.... The tears have been infrequent...but gosh it has felt sooooo good when they do come. I feel odd that I can't even get into an emotional state of missing him, but maybe part of that is because he wanted to die so badly for 13years since he returned from iraq, and he suffered so much that this death was such a relief for him. Nevertheless I feel I should still be able to miss him and feel all of that normal pining and stuff.... My epiphany Saturday night was that in all of this, some part of me has died....is gone....and I have not mourned that loss of myself in the past year....just had that nagging feeling of "what in the world is wrong with me? When will I feel nnormal again?" But I won't feel normal again...and that's okay. And what's wrong with me is that some part of me died, and I've been dragging around my own corpse trying to wake it up, trying to feed and clothe it. I just have to accept the death of who I was and ride this next wave of transformation. And I have to cry and grieve this loss before I can truly move forward into the next chapter and figure out who I am now and who I will be. I have to accept and be okay with the changes I have underwent, and the way the world looks so different now. I will never be who I was, and I will learn to deal with that. It already helps to know that I can just expect things to be different and I can stop expecting my dead parts to be alive again. The leaves on a tree die every year, and each year new leaves grow.... They're not the same leaves, but different.

Yeah, I found those type of profiles to be pretty fishy. I am insanely active myself, but I don't give a rip whether my partner is active with me or without me or not at all. It doesn't tell me anything about who that person is REALLY deep down. Anyone can do fun stuff together....but like you pointed out, it's the downtime compatibility that matters most. I will admit, when men would state in profiles they were seeking active women, I couldn't help have the hunch they might just be looking for a certain physique.....not sure.

Portside, I liked reading your feedback. Mostly because it basically summarized how I felt about a lot of men's profiles on Match. When I was on Match, I saw a lot of men's profiles that had self-improvement bits too....meditation, yoga whatever. For me, I steered clear of those. Even though I am sure they are wonderful men with a lot to offer, I don't have the emotional energy to be a part of someone's spiritual quest. It also makes me feel like if I got serious with that person then they might ditch me in the name of self improvement and enlightenment. So I think MrsDan is onto something. There are indeed men who are minded like Needytoo.

Patswife, thank you for posting your story. I found it very interesting. I love the lack of hesitation in introducing his family, so cool! Arneal, I hear ya on the dating thing. Things with my husband also progressed quickly, and we committed to each other rapidly.....me working two days per week and him being medically retired, I feel like I spent more time with him in our 6years than many couples do in 20years. When I was married, I never understood why other unmarried couples I knew didn't tie the knot faster.... I thought "shi*t or get off the pot". But I just didn't know anything else. Anyway, its really weird and new to be moving at such a slow pace with new guy. I understand those people now who are dating or engaged for years before marrying. A slow pace is good for me now.....and gosh the dynamic is just soooo different.

Some of us took over those tasks when our spouses became disabled. It's life, sometimes we have to learn new skills and add more to our never ending to do list..... Even if they aren't gender role consistent. You better believe the wrath my husband would have faced if he tried to wear the skirt around the house. ;-) I am all about gender roles. But sometimes life doesn't support them. I was a strong married woman, and now I am a strong widowed woman. I am confident you are smart enough to do them. You think I ever planned to rake leaves or clean gutters? Its life. You are not the incompetent idiot you seem to think you are. I am sorry that someone planted that seed in your mind.

Needytoo, looks great to me! I laughed at the first line! I don't necessarily think there's a strong correlation between the quality of a profile and the weirdos it attracts.....I think the weirdos will respond to anything. And sometimes too there's just a lull in whose out there... I checked match every month for three months and saw a few recurring faces but plenty of new ones each month.

I was contacted on Match by a guy without a picture but he promptly sent one by email. He explained that he was a local attorney and wanted some privacy. Made sense to me.

I think people want to believe I'm doing well that way they don't have to feel guilty for not being there for me. If I'm fine everyone can move on with their lives and forget that this horrible thing ever happened. I just feel like no one in my real life understands what I'm going through and I'm all alone and it sucks. Yeah, unfortunately I think you are right. Its just a way for people to relieve themselves of responsibility and make themselves feel better in an uncomfortable situation. I think it's the same thing when people ask "how are you doing?" or "are you doing okay?" because they dont want a real answer....just a lie so they can go back to bitching about their own trivial issues.

Ugh, I am sorry about your bad experience with the support group(not to mention your loss).... How frustrating to seek support and not find it. I also know what you mean about people praising you for doing so well. I heard the same line. It can feel sort of invalidating or insulting. I am of the thought process that you do not need to "accept" it right away....whatever that means. You can only move at the rate you are moving at. I lost my husband suddenly also, and it's no easy transition.....