One Year Anniversary of Her Death

[Justin]

Last Wednesday, July 8, marked the one-year anniversary of the death of my wife. Forgive me for not having my thoughts more organized, but I wanted to share my feelings about where I am at right now. I still miss Marsha and grieve every day, but in many ways, my life is very good.

 

I decided to work for a few hours in the morning on the sadiversary, as DD is a teen and likes to sleep late during summer break. (I didn?t want to have a bunch of idle time during which I might overthink myself into a bad place.) Thank goodness the deacon at our church had asked if we would like to have a memorial service, because I had been trying to think of a way to honor the memory of DW without making the day all about grief. In early afternoon we had an intimate memorial service in the garden adjacent to our church. It was so nice to be with both family and church members who came together to honor Marsha?s life and fondly remember her. (In some ways, our church family has been there more for us than some of our ?actual? family.) We wept and our voices cracked, but there was a certain gentleness to our sadness. It was more of a feeling of missing and longer for her than any sort of a grief-burst.

 

After the service, DD and I had a nice late lunch in a sit-down restaurant, drove to a regional park to spend some time and had fun walking and chatting, and then just drove around our town while we talked some more. It was good for just the two of us to spend time together, and we didn?t even actually discuss much about DW after the service. The day had been emotionally taxing, and we were ready for a break from the grief. All things considered, it had actually turned out to be a pretty good day as we memorialized Marsha and then had some quality father-daughter bonding time.

 

I had a really rough time the day before, and a couple of other rough days in the two weeks leading up to the date. Looking back, I realized that despite my best efforts I was giving ?power to the day?, and had built it up in my mind to be something that it wasn?t. Psychologically, it felt to good to accomplish getting through through a whole year - even though nothing had really changed - it was just a trip around the sun. The trajectory of improvement was set before the anniversary, and (so far) is continuing after the day. It was important for to come here and tell you that the one-year does not have to be a terrible day. It probably won?t be easy, but it doesn?t have to suck, either. It can be a time to reflect on the life of your spouse, give thanks for him or her, and pat yourself on the back for making it a year.

 

This post is in no way intended to invalidate those who have had terrible one-year anniversaries. I know grief is different for everyone, but I just wanted you guys to know it doesn?t have to be a rotten day.

 

 

[donswife]

I am so glad you had a good day

and seemed like you honored your wife in a wonderful way

it was nice to hear

Take care

 

[Amor]

Justin Thank you for the encouragement. 

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs to you, Justin, and DD, too.  It sounds like you remembered your wife just the right way for you.  I'm glad you had your friend MG visiting recently, too!

 

Maureen

[Jen]

So many hugs, Justin. I think my experience was similar to yours, in that the anticipation was far worse than the actual event. It helped immensely to be with other wids as well.

 

You're right, it's just another trip round the sun, but we deserve credit for all we've gone through to make this journey. I'm proud of us. There were times I didn't think I'd make it this far.

 

Peace to you. I'm glad it was a relatively good day.

 

hugs,

 

Jen

[Carey]

I am so glad you were able to have a bearable first sadiversary. I do agree, a lot of it has to do with your mindset.  I expected it to be hellish and I was not disappointed, but that was because it was also right at Thanksgiving and my family managed to make it WORSE.  It was what I let happen. Next year will be different if I make it that far.

[WifeLess]

Justin,

 

I too found the lead up to my one year point more difficult than the day itself. And I was later able to post this:

 

"Last week I passed my one year point . . . I found that the anticipation was worse than the actual day, which I managed to get through without a major meltdown. And afterward, I actually felt a sense of relief that this obstacle was now out of my way . . . "

 

Peace to you as you pass this milestone.

 

--- WifeLess

[Trying]

Justin I'm glad to hear you were able to take control of the day and the fact that you and your DD had some good quality time together is the best way to honor your DW.  For me anticipation is always the worst but for my oldest son, significant dates, holidays and events are difficult.  This usually means we are not on the same page unfortunately.

 

Wishing you peace and joy as you begin year 2.

[Virgo]

The memorial was a nice way to honor your wife. I'm glad you and your daughter were surrounded those that loved and miss your wife.