Bad Idea?

[mikeeh]

I don't know if anyone has done this,or thought about I thought I would run it up the flag pole and see who had an opinion.

 

My wife was sick for many years and knew for three of them that she was stage 4 so was dying.  At some point during her illness she started to see a Psychologist to help her cope.  As she got sicker and couldn't drive I would take her to her appointments and I would go into her appointment with her.

 

As a little more background we never had any of those hollywood death scene talks.  Be it denial on her part, or maybe on mine.  I felt I had to protect her by not having that candid talk which would highlight that she was dying.  I don't think that many things that should have been said were ever said out of denial or a feeling I had to protect her.  Plus we just weren't the kind of people to just lay it all out there like that, even in those circumstances.

 

Though I see my own guy to talk about things I am thinking about making an appointment with her Dr.  I am not sure If I am looking for his services as much as a Dr as a Medium.  I feel like the things that she never said to me she may have said to him and that I might get some closure and hear the things I need to hear from him as a surrogate for her.  That he will have some knowledge, some insight that will help me. 

 

It will be tough I think.  I actually talked to him to set up an appointment today and it was hard.  I just went past two years and I could barely speak to partially explain what I was looking for, discuss the appropriateness of me seeing him, and setup a time to see him. 

 

So is this a good idea or a bad idea?  I'm sure he will say nothing bad if she had for some reason to say anything bad about me. I guess it will either be heart wrenching or disappointing.  It has been two years, how much will he remember?  He says he remembers me from the few times I came to her session.  Maybe he checked his notes before he called me back.

 

I just don't know if this will give me closure or re-open wounds that I don't even know have started to heal.

 

Opinions welcome.

 

Mike

[canadiangirl]

Hi mikeeh,

 

Our stories are similar in that DH knew for 3 years that his was a terminal cancer prognosis and he never wanted to talk about his wishes or face his death. No Hollywood death scene talks here either.  How I wish though that he had been open to seeing a psychologist, social worker or anyone to help him cope! 

 

I am not sure that MD-patient confidentiality ends with death.  It seems to me that this has come up before, here or somewhere else.  I am not sure that even if he remembers, he will discuss much with you.  But I can totally see how it still might be meaningful for you.  I feel like I am always trying to piece my husband back together through memories.  I love it when people speak to me about him and they rarely do.  So I would be willing to pay someone for this pleasure!  You may get something out of this meeting that you never expected, or an added boost.  I hope you post on how it goes.  Good luck.

[Wheelerswife]

Mikeeh, my counselor was also my husband's counselor after his DW died.  So...my counselor knows the man I lost, but he has never disclosed anything that my husband told him, other than to acknowledge that he talked about meeting me, and how happy he was about that.  That being said, I find it comforting that he really knows and understands my loss more than someone who did not know my husband.

 

I hope your appointment is worthwhile for you.

 

Maureen

[Guest Lost35]

Mikeeh,

 

I don't have any reference for answering you, as our circumstances were different.  However, P. died suddenly, so I suppose there was a similar circumstance in that there were things left unsaid.  If I could go back to two years, I would go, myself.  Just for the chance to have an idea of what was thought, or remained unsaid.  You can't prepare yourself enough for disappointment if you don't find the information you are seeking.  There simply is no information to help with all of this, is there?  Or is there?  If it is the questions that are most difficult, then seeking answers is the only way to help yourself.  I admit, I've been too afraid to try to find many and there is no end in sight.

 

It will put an end to what is in your mind at the moment, at least.  There is some freedom in that.

 

I don't know you at all, so I don't know what you should do, but if you've made the appointment, it sounds like you need to do this and best of luck to you.  I hope you find peace in some form...

 

-L.

[mikeeh]

I think Canadiangirl and Maureen might have hit on something. 

 

I don't know about any confidentiality post mortem or anything.  That is why I mentioned the appropriateness of seeing him when I talked to him.  I do hope that he will be able to say "she said this about you' or this is how she felt about me raising our son without her.  Some insight into what she said or thought about me.  Maybe he won't be able to do that.

 

I think talking to someone about her who knew her might be something I am looking for also.  I am not able to talk to anybody about her, certainly not anyone that knew her.  On the rare occasions it does happen it is very emotionally trying and upsetting but maybe that is because it doesn't happen often. 

 

I was at a high school graduation party for a nephew a couple weeks ago.  Her sister and I were talking.  She said she got a call from someone from my wife's earlier life, way before me.  She went to college in another state and worked for the college and for a state senator.  They said they knew her from that period of her life and that they often wondered what happened to her.  They talked to my sister in law about how nice a person she was and how much they missed her.  They did some research and found the obituary.

It was tough even hearing that from my SIL, and honestly I resented a little that they called her and not me.  Makes me wonder how I will handle it if her Dr starts to talk about her and how much it will upset me.  Then again that is kind of what I am looking for. 

 

This stuff is hard to figure out.

[Lisa]

He should  not talk to you about her in more than general terms. Confidentiality does continue. The real issue is your nerves about this and your feelings. Since you have your own counselor , my wuggestion would be to talk these feelings out there,. Good luck to you

[SoVerySad]

Mikeeh, I think if you feel you need to do this and her counselor is willing to meet with you, you should give it a try and see if it helps you. It seems like you feel the need to do so, so you may be filled with regret if you don't.

 

I think it will be important for you to remember that things she may have said were tied to the time and situation she was in. I think you will need to keep that in mind. You said you were wondering how she might have felt about you raising your son without her. As a mom, when I think about possibly dying, I imagine that I wouldn't accept that very easily. I doubt I would have said something along the lines that I'm sure the children would be just fine with their dad raising them alone. Not as a reflection on him, but rather my feelings about the importance of them having both of us in their lives. Yet after T died, I went through a period of believing it would have been better for the children had they been left with T as their surviving parent rather than me. I still think at times that may be true, but I am so glad he never had to be widowed that I have let those thoughts go for the most part.

 

My point is that my feelings would be different because the situation would be different. I feel certain that had I passed away, unless T was acting out with destructive or intentional behaviors that were harmful to our children, I would be so proud of him for managing to keep going in caring for our children despite grieving deeply. I hope that makes sense. Things she may have said at the time will give you some insight into how she was feeling at the time. I don't think that in any way would equate to her feelings or evaluation of how you are handling things now. She could never have imagined how difficult being widowed would be. She was enveloped in your love and supported by your strength until her final breath.

 

I hope the appointment brings you a sense of better understanding which in turn will bring you some peace.

 

Hugs to you...

 

 

[SimiRed]

Mikeeh,

 

I hope you the appointment goes well for you too.  At least you will know, one way or the other, you'll have a peace of mind that you went and at least had the courage to speak with her Psychologist.  Like others said, I'm not sure how much they can reveal to you, but hopefully it will go well.

[donswife]

I too hope it goes well and It seems like it is something you need to do

I seem to find I always regret not doing something more then doing it

it may not give you the answers you want

but just being in the room with someone that knew your wife so well could be a comfort

 

 

[Joseph]

Even if the doctor-patient confidentiality doesn't end upon death, there are exceptions to be made.  I hope you're able to attain some meaningful information.  My LW's psychiatrist is closed to new patients, but our GP got me into her spot.  Having her perspective and thoughts on key things through the Dr really helped in my grieving process, and reduce those questions that can never be answered.

 

You may want a few sessions, if the doc is cool and open.  Confidentially rules are to protect against malicious intent, not be in the way of healing.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I am probably the exception here. Although he may be one for patient confidentiality, what if he told you something that would have a not so pleasant reaction. You're wife may have had issues with being terminally ill, and people sometimes say and do things that they wouldn't otherwise. I think i got closure when I realized we had years together, happy and maybe not so, but when my spouse became terminal, it was like going through hell, and I try to just think about the happiest times. If it helps you, that's a good thing.

[Brenda]

I'm also going to urge EXTREME CAUTION here.

 

There may well be things that she told the psychologist that you don't want to hear.  How would you react if, for example, she had spent a couple of sessions bitching to the psychologist that she worried that she married the wrong person and never really experienced true love?  Or that there were things about you that made her deeply unhappy?  Or that she just wasn't the person you thought you married?

 

There's things that people tell psychologists and other mental health professionals that they would never dare tell their spouses.  (I know this first hand, unfortunately.)  It's a relationship that benefits from confidentiality, openness, and allowing the patient/client to vent all kinds of unpleasant thoughts and problems onto the therapist so that the spouse doesn't have to hear it.  Asking for insights into what your spouse told the psychologist is opening a door I'm really not sure you want to open unless you absolutely have to.  The potential for destroying the image you have of your wife is immense.

 

In addition, there may have been times when your wife was medicated and not entirely thinking straight.  I know that my own dear wife, during those latter stages, was pumped full of morphine and fentanyl and struggled to think coherently; even at earlier stages when the medication was not too severe, there were times when she clearly wasn't herself.  (Some of my problems with my in-laws arose because they had some "deep" conversations with her when she was heavily medicated, and they took what she said as gospel despite it being so far from the truth that it was almost laughable.  The only way I can deal with some of the things they say she told them is by realizing that it was not her speaking, but the drugs.)

 

Sorry I can't encourage you to press the psychologist for details.  I know first hand the misery that comes with hearing odd post-death tales and rumors that my wife isn't here to explain - it eats away at the entire foundation of our marriage and makes me question our relationship in ways that are deeply unhealthy.  I'd leave well alone if I were you.

[mikeeh]

It has been a while so I thought I might update.

 

I have been to her psychologist a few times.  I was upfront about why I was going to see him. That I was visiting hoping for more of a Medium experience, in my own head at least, than as a psychologist.  That talking to him was more as a surrogate for talking to her.

 

He has shared some insight in general about what she said to him and what she said about us, me and Zack.    Her denial about her dying was so complete though that even when talking to him they skirted the issue so it isn't like the things left unsaid between us were shared with him.  Still he seems to be good at what he does and I will probably continue to see him as a psychologist and not strictly as a surrogate for my wife.

 

Here is the strange thing, that prompted my other post from last night.  So last night was my third visit with him.  I was waiting in the waiting room for my appointment.  When his door opens to let his current appointment leave so it is almost my turn my wife's best friend comes out.  A woman she worked with that she really connected with and we even did a couple evenings as couples.  I follow her on facebook but don't really say anything because I don't have much to say.  But she comes out and walks through the waiting room and we just look at each other and try to take a couple seconds to actually recognize each other.  We talked for a few minutes while he prepped for me or made his notes about her visit.

 

For most people those connections to that past life is probably normal.  My life has been so partitioned from that before life that there is almost no overlap.  It was really nice to see her and nice to talk to her but it can be so difficult to make that connection and that reminder of what life use to be.

 

It is such a catch 22.  I wanted so much to come home and say "Hey, guess who I saw today."  But then again if she were still here I wouldn't be there and wouldn't have seen here there.  She is going because the same guy who referred Sue to him referred her friend.  They both worked for him.  I don't know if it was a big violation of her privacy or mine that we met and now know that each are seeing a psychologist.  I wonder if she is glad she bumped into me or if I am the reminder that her friend is gone, that if her friend was still there she might have that sounding board to get her through the rough year at work and wouldn't be going to him either.

 

It was nice to see her, but became a sad thing when I had a chance to think about it.

 

Such is life as a widower/widow right.  How happy can happy get?

[canadiangirl]

mikeeh, glad you posted. I had been checking your thread for an update.  I am glad the MD could be forthcoming and has been helpful.  Amazing but consistent that your wife did not wish to speak to him about dying either.  You have given me perspective; I still wish very much for his own mental health (and mine!) that my DH had agreed to seek help but it might not have helped him work through that aspect of things.  Thanks for the update. 

 

And in answer to your question - in my case, not very.  (Yet)

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Catch 22 for sure. I hope you get some clarity/comfort (heck I don't know) from seeing him. I know talking with one helpedme last year.

How happy can happy get......CG nailed it.  May we some day come to place where we have peace and yes...even happiness. Afterall we deserve it don't we.  I know DH would say YES!