So tired

[hikermom]

I posted earlier in Beyond Active Grieving but this is a whole new level of shit.

 

Today is the third anniversary of my husband's death. Leading up to today: my FIL died in March, my dad died in June while I was out of the country, and my oldest dog - the one DH and I got together - had an emergency trip to the vet on Sunday. I needed to be in two places at once - with the dog and getting my daughter to sleep away camp. It was crazy and stressful and made for an awful check in at camp - the first time DD has been at an away camp. I managed to get both done and brought the dog home but she continued to be very sick all night.

 

Her regular vet got her gastrointestinal issues settled yesterday and she was eating and drinking fine today. But now it is like her hind end is paralyzed - she can't put weight on it. I'm hoping it is because she's exhausted or has a pinched nerve that will go away but I'm so exhausted from lack of sleep and just the piling on of illness and death, I'm losing it. I haven't sobbed like this in over a year. I think it has been more like two years since I've broken down this badly.

 

I handled my dad's death with great calm - he was 90, was pretty healthy and independent til he died, and died quickly and seemingly painlessly in his sleep. He had been chatting animatedly with his home health nurse then died when she stepped away to check on another patient in his complex. The way death should come to someone. How can you be too sad with that? I was grateful that he had 90 years. My FIL was much worse - sick the last 2.5 years, in a nursing home, incapable of talk, in a wheelchair and needing constant assistance, and leaving behind his wife who is frail and who lived the last 2.5 years caring for this man. I was sadder with his death because of who he left behind even though I should have been grateful that he was out of pain.

 

And so today. Today alone I had a bear visit at 3:30 am and refuse to leave until I got in my car and started driving towards it. It didn't get into my garbage because I have that fairly secure but it was a bold bear that didn't respond to lights or noise. Then a hail storm hit and washed my driveway out. Now this with my dog - I'm having trouble getting my dog in and out because she is over 50 pounds and like a dead weight. She can urinate but hasn't had a bowel movement (TMI - sorry!).

 

I'm all alone and feel it. I'm done. I'm done. I can't take anymore. I'm terrified that my dog will be permanently paralyzed and that I can't handle it. I will have to decide to euthanize her and then tell my daughter when she comes home from camp in 1.5 weeks that her dog died while she was away - just like her Grampy died when we were away in June. Just like she never got to say good bye to her other grandfather or her dad.

 

Oh, and did I say that DD's hamster died in her hands right before we left the country in June? That was awful (okay, I was not mourning the little critter's passing but DD was devastated). At least she got to say good bye to the hamster and the rabbit (who died at Thanksgiving last year).

 

I know I'm catastrophizing. I shouldn't do this but it is hard not to when you're exhausted, and mourning your husband who has been gone three years, and your reserves are all gone, and you are all alone. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of this all. I'm just fucking tired.

[calimom]

I'm so sorry for all your multiple losses, Hikermom.  Sometimes it is just?.too much.

 

Three years, as I remember, was pretty tough.  There's the feeling you just want things to be - what?  Better, different, but the loss is still so present.  I just passed 8 years and still miss my husband.  It's so tiring, being in charge of so much, kids, work, the house and property.  Sometimes it would be great if someone else just took the reins for awhile.  How is your dog doing now?  Our wonderful Rottweiler/Lab mix hung on for several years after Jeff died, and it was so difficult when she was ill.  Wishing all the best for you and your daughter.  A bear, yikes.  We have had our share of wildlife this year, more so as a result of the California drought, foxes, bobcats and more than the occasional deer in the garden. 

 

On another, completely unrelated note, I've made your Annie Chun's wonton & spinach recipe more than a few times.  It is seriously good and seriously easy.  Thank you for the share.  Hoping the next few days life is a bit easier for you.

[SoVerySad]

Dear HM, I'm sorry you are feeling so very tired right now. Just reading your post had my heart racing. No wonder you feel completely done in - so much to endure. I so wish I were close enough to bring you something you find comforting and give you the tightest of hugs. Please know I'm sending you love.

[Wheelerswife]

Oh, HM!  So much piling up at the same time...you can't even grieve just one thing.  The overwhelm...must be angering and exhausting.  I just wish I could take all of this away. 

 

Hugs...and a shoulder to cry on...I know it is from a distance and not nearly enough.

 

Maureen

[Trying]

Some days it really does feel impossible for one person to have to endure so much alone, and you really have had so much. I hope your dog starts to show some signs of improvement and you can have some smoother waters to catch your breath. I have no doubt that you will find the strength to deal with whatever crap life throws your way but I really wish you didn't have to.

[Shawn823]

Hugs, Hikermom. I still have 4 months to the 3 year mark, but I so relate to being fed up with handling the continual piling on of life's sucky events all alone. That is not what we signed up for. Yes, we are strong and capable, but it would be so nice to not have to be if we so choose, just for a while...wishing you a good turn of events and some peaceful "just you" time.

Shawn

[hikermom]

Thank you all.

 

I hate to come here after so long an absence and post such a negative post. The physical exhaustion of multiple nights with little to no sleep and the emotional exhaustion of the anniversary and worry about my dog took its toll. I needed to just yell out at the universe and have a really hard cry. I'm sorry to dump it all here.

 

Unfortunately my dog is not any better this morning so back to the vet. Luckily my sister is coming up to be with me in case I need to make a decision. I'll get through this because I've gotten through worse, because this is a first world problem in a world where there are many, many others dealing with significantly worse things. Perspective doesn't make it hurt any less but it does change how you approach the hurt.

 

I appreciate all the support, kind words and virtual hugs.

[canadiangirl]

Sending more virtual hugs your way.  It is all just too much.  I am glad you shared - my own life seems like quite a s--t parade at times, but as you say, on the whole, first world problems.  I hope the news about your dog is better than you fear.  I am glad your sister will be there to help. ((hikermom))

[TMPPGH]

Hugs to you! Good

Luck with the pup! I know mine has helped me through a lot and I don't want to think about that decision! Sending prayers and positive energy!

[donswife]

I am so sorry for your recent losses of your fil and dad

when your emotionsl reserves are already low its exhausting

I hope things go well at the vets with your dog

and so glad you have your sister there for support

take care

 

[Guest TooSoon]

HM, I don't have the answers but I just wanted to make sure I said these two things:  I admire you to no end.  Your courage and strength have inspired me in times when I just wanted to throw in the towel.  I know that doesn't make any of this easier.  And second, think how far we have come!  Think of all we have given to our daughters and the models we are for them.  Widowdom requires herculean strength but widowed with a little girl presents a whole other dimension.  It has been and is a privilege to share that part of this journey with you. 

 

I try to think of time differently these days.  A day might feel like a year when it is a bad day; a good day can be life sustaining for weeks.  It is an odd and disorienting way to go through life but rolling with it (not my inherently instinctive way) helps.  Come what may! 

 

All my love.