SimiRed Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Checking In I haven't checked in, since I don't really want to say much until Final Divorce. I really have no clue where I fit in? A widow? A divorcee? Where? I feel like one of the misfits on Santa's island! Ugh, God, it feels like I'm a widow all over again, I feel like I just lost my late DH just days ago and here I stand, starting all over again. A single parent, alone, why? I haven't posted since I just don't know where to even go on here. As a widow, I still had friends around me. In the situation I'm in now, I have no friends showing up on my doorstep, just to help me smile. Why? None exist here!!! As a widow, I still had the home late DH and I lived in. I have become completely lost in my own world, leaving a bad situation was the right thing to do, that I know, but the loneliness is so different. As a widow, I never felt unwanted, unloved, hated, or hurt by things. As someone trying to get divorced from an abusive partner, I feel lonely, unwanted, hated, he says I did everything to hurt him, I am throwing him away like trash. It's different, the hurt, the loss, the tears. I have lost friends because of the lies that they believe about me. Well, I guess they aren't really friends then. I did nothing to that man, I did everything to make it work, he came after me for his happiness and never wanted to know "me"... Why am I the bad person for leaving him? After all the hurt and pain he caused my son and I? Ugh, yes, my feet are still moving under me...I still go forward, still doing everything that I can to keep my head held high and my heart tucked away so no one can see it. I'm so scared of the future, of ever trusting, believing, or just waiting for the next shoe to drop. 10 weeks since I fled the depths of evil and abuse and chaos... 10 weeks and I've accomplished a lot, but it has triggered all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. I still travel this road, hoping to grow into a stronger and wiser person. I have to remember that I still have a future, and it is up to me to define what that will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 You're in my thoughts often, even though I haven't been up to posting a lot lately. I wish I had some fabulous words that would magically fix it for you... all I have is a whole lot of (((hugs))))... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Glad to see you around these parts SimiRed. Sending you support as you continue on your path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 You have come this far, let the guilt go, embrace the future. As my Mom once said, take care of you, the rest falls into place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJF Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Glad you posted as I have wondered how you are doing. I can imagine this brings up all sorts of feelings but you are on the path to happier and peaceful days. (((Hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Forward is the only flavor life comes in. You are in my heart and I am sending you the absolute best wishes as you move onwards and upwards... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlp Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 IMHO, once a widow, always a widow. You've just experienced another tremendous loss, which I can't help but think dredges up a lot of previous emotions. You're doing the right thing, though I won't claim to know how you feel. But when it comes to loss, we all here can certainly relate -- you are in the right place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 You fit here!! I can tell you...after my 6 month mess--when the divorce happened...I was really at my lowest. Possibly lower than when I first became a widow (in a different way) because I felt lost...utterly clueless As to where I fit..where I go..what I do now. I don't know the details of your situation-I don't know where you live now or how far you moved from your old home. You can PM me anytime if you need to talk. I took a year off here while with him...and when I came back at first felt awkward and lost-but everyone was accepting and welcomed me. I clawed my way back into the world of the living. It took me months/years to gain back the respect of some people. But it happened. I moved on..I grew...I found myself again over time. Now I am damn proud of myself-but 4 years ago I was literally scared to death. Almost paralyzed with fear. You can do this! You have already taken a courageous step leaving. (((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 10 weeks since I fled the depths of evil and abuse and chaos... 10 weeks and I've accomplished a lot, but it has triggered all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. I still travel this road, hoping to grow into a stronger and wiser person. I have to remember that I still have a future, and it is up to me to define what that will be. You are an inspiration! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I can't even imagine all the emotions you are experiencing. It has to be scary and stressful and painful. We are here for you, to support you, to listen to you, to remind you how brave you are, and to cheer you on as you work to close this chapter and start the next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 The best thing you could possibly do is done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathyr Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I'm so sorry you've having to go through this, but I truly admire your strength and determination. That first step was to leave and you did it!!! You and your son have been through enough, and I hope things look up for you soon. You really deserve it! Wishing many blessings to come your way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 It's good to hear from you, SimiRed, and good to hear you are still working your way towards some better future. I think the same applies here as in the past; drink fluids, eat when you can, sleep when you can, as the wise Anne E. always espoused; be kind to yourself. Breathe, cry in the car, or the supermarket. Re-write your address book (again!) Widowed and injured is always, simply widowed and injured, no matter what the interim cause, I think. You would not have been in the situation you've been in had it not all started out where we have all been ourselves. Welcome back. Though I thought about it, I don't think there is much to say in regards to the hurtful words from your soon to be ex-husband. They are expected and there they were. Some things in life really are, incredibly, predictable. Good for them for that. It lets you know where you stand and why you are doing what you are doing and therefore, are good to be heard. I always felt thankful when people I thought were good friends were very obviously not, after losing P. Although it hurt, they at least let me know not to waste my valuable and precious energy on them, which was a blessing in disguise... So, you belong here. A side-road is just a side road and eventually and thankfully you are here. Be well, take care, and welcome home. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Ugh, God, it feels like I'm a widow all over again, I feel like I just lost my late DH just days ago and here I stand, starting all over again. A single parent, alone, why? I haven't posted since I just don't know where to even go on here. As a widow, I still had friends around me. In the situation I'm in now, I have no friends showing up on my doorstep, just to help me smile. Why? None exist here!!! As a widow, I still had the home late DH and I lived in. I have become completely lost in my own world, leaving a bad situation was the right thing to do, that I know, but the loneliness is so different. As a widow, I never felt unwanted, unloved, hated, or hurt by things. As someone trying to get divorced from an abusive partner, I feel lonely, unwanted, hated, he says I did everything to hurt him, I am throwing him away like trash. It's different, the hurt, the loss, the tears. I have lost friends because of the lies that they believe about me. Well, I guess they aren't really friends then. I did nothing to that man, I did everything to make it work, he came after me for his happiness and never wanted to know "me"... Why am I the bad person for leaving him? After all the hurt and pain he caused my son and I? Hi SimiRed, what a hard journey to be on. I can't relate specifically to separating from a partner after being widowed, however I can identify with feelings coming back. I think because losing my spouse was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, those specific feelings lie within me. When I am well and rested and things are going well in my life, I can remember the feelings and the trauma combined with panic attacks and loss of sleep, but they are like a memory. When things are going bad and stress visits my life (when my beloved stepfather passed for example) I feel all of those same feelings again. For a time, I am at day one. Perhaps this is biological, our bodies could remember the stress and physical manifestations of the trauma. Just my .02$, it happens to me. I also think people divorcing can use some support. I have other friends that have divorced that report abandoning friends and even family. I'm not sure why people vanish or go quiet or judge and take sides, how easy it is for friends and acquaintances to judge, they must have forgotten that not one of us has any clue what transpires behind the closed doors of another home. No clue. I am aware that divorce and death are not the same at all but I have learned through my journey that a divorcing person can use some friends, a casserole, an extra kind word and people reaching out and checking in. Its a change. The loss of a marriage changes your every day and you SimiRed have been through a lot. You did nothing wrong and I recognize and honor the strength and determination it must have taken to take the steps to change your situation. Be gentle with yourself. Practice self care as much as you can. This present day drama and trauma will one day be your past, I'm sorry for you that while you are living this, it is so painful. Finally, I am mystified by human behavior. Why would a man (or anyone) have a loving, beautiful woman by his side to share his home and life, then treat her so badly, as less than himself, someone to serve his needs, talk harshly and not care about her pain.... then whine and beg when she leaves? He loves you now? You are throwing him out like trash? You go SimiRed, I throw my trash out too, I have no place for that shit in my life. Maybe being widowed has taught me to LOVE and HONOR my people. I laugh and tickle my kids, we go out late and if the house is dusty or not 'just how I like it' we go out anyway. I have a lover and I treat him as if he is the most important and interesting person in the room, always. Nothing else really matters. To treat my loved ones as less simply invites them to find the strength to move on and be with someone 'better'. Clearly you can do better, your spouse did not honor your love and devotion at all. I'd move on too. Stay strong and take care of yourself. There is better out there for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Exactly ^^^ To even respond, acknowledge, or communicate with someone like him would be opening oneself up for more hurt. "No time for shit like that in my life now". Priceless comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Forgottenwife... You're my hero... I think I will print your words and paste them to my forehead!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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