Um yeah . . . soooo . . . kinda in love with someone . . . I think . . .

[Brenda]

Title says it all really.  It's been only seven months since my wife died, and there's someone who I met a couple of months ago - purely as friends - and I'm kind of feeling like she's someone I could get much closer to.  Of course, she doesn't know a thing about this (but I'm secretly hoping that she feels the same way.)  We see each other - as friends - on a semi-regular basis, we have a lot in common, and she's a wonderful person.

 

At the moment, still just friends.  Will probably stay that way too given my lack of ability in the field of romance, but even thinking about her makes me happy in a way that I haven't been for a long time.

 

Preliminary List of Things I'm Struggling With

 

1.  It's only been seven months.  Surely I should wait at least a year before I even allow myself to think about these things?

 

2.  Maybe I'm still grieving and not thinking straight and I'm confusing the glimmer of enjoyment out of life I experience when I'm with her with the heady heights of early love?

 

3.  It's only been seven months.

 

4.  Do I ever want to go through the process of getting close to someone only to watch while they die?  Could be a few decades away, but it'll happen eventually.  Neither of us are spring chickens - both over 40.  (Is that old?)

 

5.  Like it's only been seven months.  What kind of uncaring bitch falls in love again after seven months?  Let alone has . . . um, how to put this delicately . . . indelicate thoughts about someone other than my wife?

 

6.  I'm very lonely at the moment; not in the sense that I have nobody to talk to and no friends (although I have very few), but in the sense that I miss having someone to hug and share life with.  Am I clutching at straws?

 

7.  Seven months!  I'm supposed to be a tearful wreck, not cheerfully thinking about what I want the next chapter of my life to look like.

 

So pretty confused at the moment.  Part of me wants the freedom to think about these things, but another part of me feels ever so ashamed for doing so.  It's not like we're going to end up in bed anytime soon, but I wouldn't mind seeing where this goes, even if it goes absolutely nowhere.

 

Sorry to bring this topic up.  I hope it's not lowering the tone of the site.

[Jen]

(((((HUGS))))))

 

I have no advice, but my opinion is that there are no rules for this sort of thing. No one can tell you how to wid! And I hope 40+ isn't old... I'll be 41 in 5 weeks. Given the life expectancy for women in my family, I can conservatively expect 40, 50, even 60 more years of continued existence on this planet, and I know for a fact that I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT ALONE. Indelicate? Maybe, but psychologists agree that love, sex, and companionship are basic human needs. (Look here-- Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg )

 

I'm happy for you. I understand the confusion... if I love someone else, does that mean I don't love my husband anymore? (Nope.) If I think about a life with someone else, am I forgetting the one I had with Jim? (No way.) If, at X months, I'm head over heels smitten with somebody, while someone else at X-3, or X+6, or Y months is still completely unable to even think of a life beyond widhood, does that mean I loved Jim less than they loved their spouse? (Hell no, that would be impossible.)

 

I wish you joy, and love, and all good things. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of (although I can totally understand where it would come from). Would your wife want you to be alone and miserable? I'm guessing not.

 

More hugs!!

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Brenda,

 

You aren't the only one who has had these thoughts, these feelings, this reality.  I became acquainted with my second husband 6 months after the death of my first husband.  Things moved very quickly.  Two months later, we were engaged, I had resigned my job and was putting my house on the market with plans to move half way across the country to a place I'd never been. 

 

I realize that seems crazy and everything could have gone completely wrong...but it didn't.  We were absolutely in love, got married a year after we met and had an awesome life together...until we got to #4 on your list.  He died suddenly less than 4 years after we met.  I'm truly heartbroken.  We both knew from experience (he was a widower) that this could happen, but we risked anyway.  I have no regrets, honestly.  I'd never made a more satisfying decision in my life when I followed my heart with him.

 

It has been 19 months since my second husband died and I haven't gotten to the point of thinking about someone new in my life yet.  Oh, yes, I hope for great love #3 to find me, but I haven't really entertained any possibilities.  Every death of a spouse is different and our experiences of them are different.  I know this first hand. 

 

So...don't worry yourself over whether it is too early.  Listen to yourself...the logical side of you and your heart/gut.  Continue to ask yourself if YOU are okay with this situation.  Channel your late wife's energy.  You truly knew/know her.  She'd want you to be happy.  You can continue to live your own life and continue to respect the marriage you had with her.

 

Best wishes...and keep us up on the progression of your experiences and thoughts!

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

 

[Trying]

I started a relationship early out, I had a lot of the same thoughts you are having.  I have to say that it did make things more complicated in the beginning because I was still actively grieving and my children weren't ready for me to date.  But, he and I are still happily together and I feel so lucky to have found someone who has been so understanding of the complexities of being in a relationship with a recent widow.

 

There is no right or wrong.  There is no "appropriate" amount of time(although people WILL judge). You have a big heart that you want to share with someone in the here and now.  That is totally understandable.  You will continue to love and miss your wife even if you love another, the heart is amazing that way, it creates a whole new space for a new person instaed of filling in the space left by the one you lost. 

 

Take it slow and enjoy those warm fuzzy feelings, they make you feel alive!

[Justin]

Brenda, first I want to address your concern about posting: you are in no way lowering the tone of this site. Any cares or concerns a widow has could be the same that many others are having. Thank you for sharing with all of us here.

 

My membership to the YWBB boards was approved when I was about 3 weeks out. I quickly became friends with several members, and close to a few of them and especially close to one widow in particular. At around four months out, I knew that I was falling for her quickly, and a little shy of five months out, I was flying 1,800 miles to meet her for the first time. At 13.5 months, we are still happily together and are planning our future.

 

Since you listed your concerns in list-form, I am going to reply to them in that manner 

 

1) As others have said, there is no one-size-fits-all time frame for recoupling. I had been spooked a bit by others talking about the necessity of "doing the grief work", and had convinced myself early on that I would just wait to date until after my DD graduated high school; working on myself in the meantime (DW died the summer before DD's junior year). However, I realized that I could not deny the feelings I was having for my new love and I could not risk not pursuing them. The time is right when you feel it is right. I believe that I was a good husband to my late wife, and I have never had any feelings of guilt.

 

2) You are wise to consider this possibility. My new love and I did a lot of discussing and soul-searching to make sure that neither of us was acting as a band-aid for the other. We had to make sure that our feelings were real - and they are. We cared too much for each other to go down that road, only to realize later that we wanted something different.

 

3) See#1. Just be sensitive that other people may think it's too soon - but then again, they don't have to live this reality. I kept things under wraps for a bit to keep from hurting the feelings of DD or DW's family, but it's not their life - it's mine.

 

4) Only you can answer that question, but think about it: if someone asked if you would do it all over again, live the life you had with your wife only to lose her, what would you say? I suppose that you would answer resoundingly "yes!". My new love and I are planning on being together for a long time, and we both live with the reality that one of us will have to carry on after the other dies. The impending pain of that thought cannot win out over the love and laughter that we have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy until one of us stops breathing. It is worth it to us.

 

5) I think that a person with a huge capacity to care is the only type of person that would be ready to love again. Needing the touch of another is very real. Your wife isn't coming back to touch you, and neither is mine. That fact is indisputable, so what are we to do?

 

6) Again, only you can answer this question. For me, I like being a husband. Hell, I love it and want to be one again! That being said, I do not take commitment lightly, and had a lady as special as my new love had not entered my life I would not be settling.

 

7) I hereby give you permission to be a tearful wreck AND cheerfully think about the next chapter in your life. It is possible, because we had done it over, and over, and over. You will never stop missing your wife and being saddened by her loss BUT that fact does not preclude you from the ability to live life with vigor and enjoy the remaining time you have. There is so much disparity in the world, and some folks have it easy, some get a shit sandwich (like us), and some have it worse and never know love. Our happiness is ultimately up to each one of us. Let yourself be happy and well.

[Brenda]

Thanks for all the advice.  As always, great stuff.

 

I need to get a new tattoo.  Right across my forehead (and backwards, so I can see it in the mirror every time I wake up): "The only rule of widowhood is that there are no rules."

 

Or I could just put a sticky note on the fridge.  That would scare fewer people away.

[Trying]

Or just write with a sharpie on your palm, lol

[Mizpah]

I think it's good that you're examining things, but don't in the process get too hard on yourself.  LOTS of widows and widowers hook up AND fall in love early out.  I used to say that there is nothing that happens AFTER they die that can ever take away from or change what was while they were alive. 

 

My biggest caution is that the widows and widowers I know who moved on fast also tended to be the ones who didn't let themselves grieve, and then realized partway in that they ended up having to pick up where they'd left off and weren't as ok as they'd thought they were (kinda like when you're sick and feel a tad better, then overexert yourself only to remember how very sick you feel).  That being said, those are two people I know, and that's not representative obviously or a scientific study or anything like that!  You said you're lonely, and desperation does make for poor decision-making, but you also said she's your friend and a great person and you enjoy your time together, so it doesn't necessarily sound like this is a dumb idea. 

 

My boyfriend/BabyDaddy is a widower.  We were friends first.  We got together very early out - around where you are - for him.  (I was at 2+ years.)  It's been a very rocky road, but we're still together. 

 

There is nothing magical about 12 months. 

[hachi]

There is nothing magical about 12 months.

 

This is true.

 

I met my New Guy early on as well. Looking back, I think that I feel it was too soon, but time has been our friend. Even at three years, it's complicated, but for me, having him is better than not. My grief and love for my LH is separate, but still ever present. Only you know if it is too soon.    I don't think I ever felt ashamed of being with New Guy, but I did feel that I couldn't possibly know if it would last because it was so soon.

 

As I said, even though it was a little rocky, time has been our friend and he is a pretty special guy.

[Mizpah]

Also, I'll pass on some advice from my then-therapist when I was overthinking my then-new relationship: "Allow yourself good feelings."

 

[Brenda]

Allow yourself good feelings.

 

A wonderful piece of advice