NG feeling left out

[Trying]

As You know I've been making some major changes in my life.  New house, going back to school, working on my own health and wellness and figuring out a new career path.  All very positive personal changes.  Part of the move was to make a fresh start so NG could be more a part of my home life without my kids feeling like he is in their Dads space.(many other reasons for the move too).  He has been around more and I think it's going well. 

 

All of this change is very time consuming and fills most of my thoughts and efforts too.  NG has been so supportive and gets that a better me means a better us.  Lately however, he seems to feel left out.  As I'm celebrating steps forward in our relationship and in my life he is suddenly focusing on how far we still have to go.  I'm trying to be sensitive to this and planned a weekend away in September for just the 2 of us, something we've barely ever done. 

 

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm looking at my personal growth as allowing more space for him and our future and he seems to see it as him being left out.  We are out of synch I guess and I want to get back in synch.

[Mizpah]

How do you think he responds best?  To shared activities?  To affection?  To verbal statements of emotion?  If you do feel good about him, as you seem to, maybe just make a little effort daily or weekly to make some little gesture targeted at reminding him that he's not getting lost in your shuffle????  It's one thing to shift the focus from yourself to him as you need to focus on you (not a good thing) and another to give him little pieces of what he seems to be needing that don't require any/much sacrifice on your part????  But this thought is just based on that post and very little knowledge of the situation so if the right answer is, "He should just wake up and realize you're doing a lot of this for him!," then I'm going with that!!!  (My perspective is also shaped by my own experience, where I would really benefit from my boyfriend throwing me a bit more encouragement here and there, so take it with a grain of salt!)

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Perhaps make special time for 1 to 1 with him.

Maybe he is feeling a bit lost as far as how he fits in.

Just an observation.

[Sugarbell]

In past relationships....yes this sometimes happened.

 

For whatever reason...it sounds like insecurity on his part (I am not saying that's bad-don't know details)....like he's seeing you are healing, moving forward with life in positive ways and wants to make sure he is part of it.

 

Is he around the boys more now? Or your friends? ...this could be why he's focused on how far he thinks you all need to come. Does he look at you all as equals? Partners? Again I have no idea the dynamics of the relationship.

 

But don't let his insecurity hold you back from the growth you are making. Your plate is more than full. But I know I am not the easiest person to date/have a relationship with. I can't deal with insecurity. But that's me. So I am probably not the best person to give insight.

 

He sounds like a great guy though.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Maybe playing devils advocate here but it is very hard for someone (NG) in this case, to take on a new role to existing children in a relationship. And I'm sure equally hard, for a woman. Bringing it all together IS adjustments, understanding, and compassion.

I believe if it's meant to be, it will happen. There are really not enough details here, and I haven't seen past posts, to make a fair and reasonable judgement call. Anyway best to you. It does sound as if you're doing your best to make it happen : )

[Trying]

I'm not sure if its insecurity, he really is very supportive of the changes I'm making. He has been spending more time around my boys and my oldest and youngest have warmed to him and his boys (who are much younger). My middle one is tolerating him which is an improvement. He met my mom when she stopped for a quick visit on her way through our state.

 

I think he really just wants to be at the cohabitating (or married) phase. He doesn't pressure me because he knows where I'm at. He only has his kids part time, they are young and not yet involved in much, he has no family near by, and when he's gone to family events recently I haven't been free to join him. It's not that I don't want everything he does, my time frame is just different.

 

I planned a weekend getaway in September to one of his favorite places which will be great for us but he is really craving the every day togetherness. Someone to come home to. We talk a lot about "someday..." and he says he's not going any where or giving me any ultimatums, he will wait. But the impatience is starting to show through.

 

 

[Sugarbell]

I get that.

 

it will be a year in Sept for NG and me....and just very recently he has eluded to wanting to see each other everyday..etc.

 

I  am not there yet. He's an hour away. Ideally it would be nice if we lived closer in separate homes...But I think he's thinking all together. He coaches football...so for 10 weeks his weekends are tied up. (Friday night Sat morning and Sunday afternoon)...I think he's kinda shocked that it doesn't bother me and I am planning weekend getaways for the kids and I to the mts. Without him. Fall is the best season here.

 

Like I said I am not an easy person to date/be in a relationship with. lol

 

Sounds like things are good with you guys. Tell him to give you a little more time. The weekend getaway will be good for you both!

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

.

[mmg19]

You do have a full plate.  NG is at this time one of the pieces not the full plate.  Children, going to school, personal growth and wellness, adapting to moving and then all the time and energy for running and maintaining a home, involved parenting, kids activities and appointments, etc.  He needs to cool it and give you time. 

 

I don't know the details but as nice as you portray him, you and your children need top priority right now.  Take care of yourself and everyone will benefit.  I know sometimes I'm too blunt but his wants and needs take second place to yours and your children. 

 

 

[Captains wife]

For many, the relationship path is supposed to be date, know if he is the one, talk about the future, cohabitate or/and get married etc. But post widow I think it's important to regroup, find ourselves again, find our new life path- and this is especially challenging when grieving children are in the picture. You are making great strides for yourself, your children, your new life and there will be long run benefits from that. Your NG may feel a little left out now but from your posts seems very understanding and supportive. It just may be that the next steps in blending your lives may take longer given all that is going on and given your respective lives. Keeping the lines of communication open are key and it's great you planned a getaway for 2. Sometimes there is something to be said for having a little space while we and our children grow post such a loss. Things will come together in a more cohesive, mutually beneficial way when the pieces fall into place. You're doing a great and admirable job rebuilding you and your children's lives. All the best

[fairlanegirl]

For many, the relationship path is supposed to be date, know if he is the one, talk about the future, cohabitate or/and get married etc. But post widow I think it's important to regroup, find ourselves again, find our new life path- and this is especially challenging when grieving children are in the picture. You are making great strides for yourself, your children, your new life and there will be long run benefits from that.

 

Sometimes there is something to be said for having a little space while we and our children grow post such a loss. Things will come together in a more cohesive, mutually beneficial way when the pieces fall into place. You're doing a great and admirable job rebuilding you and your children's lives. All the best

This really resonated, especially about having a little space, and the pieces falling into place when they will.  Widowed 4 1/2 years and in a relationship now for 3 1/2, many people would expect us to be at least cohabiting now, might have expected it myself. But actually, having someone just stay over 3 nights a week is working out well. We have talked about marriage further down the line, and I realise those folks with beliefs that preclude sex before marriage, or sex in the house with children there (mine were younger, which helps) might be keener to marry faster. It is good to know that if he can't come over one weekend because he has to work on his car, or the children and I are going on holiday, I'm fine with that. I love him, but don't need him around all the time, and that feels a good place to be.  Sorry to ramble! Best of luck.

[Trying]

You are all such a great sounding board, and way cheaper than therapy!  New guy is divorced, he married the wrong woman in his late 30's because he really wanted a family and may have overlooked some red flags to get there.  He and I share so many more values than they do and craves the stable family life that  he missed the mark on with her.  Not to say that the only thing he sees in me is the mom role because we didn't really include the kids for the first year of our relationship, it was only one on one romance and getting to know each other that whole time.

 

The difference is that I had a good partner in DH for 20 years.  Our marriage wasn't perfect but we were great parenting partners and life partners.  So at 46 I'm not waiting to experience that for the first time like he is. 

 

I won't let him rush me and he really doesn't push it, just letting me know where he is at.  The problem with an early relationship post loss is that I have been simultaneously doing grief work, helping 3 kids with their grief, and working I myself as an individual while falling in love with a new man.  Not the ideal way to do it and if we would've met now instead of 17 months ago things probably would be moving along quicker.

 

I have definitely not been an easy person to date.  Many times along the way I have told him he deserves a woman who can give him all he wants now and who is willing to accept all that he has to give.  Yet he always says I am who he wants.

 

More sensitivity on my part and more patience on his.

[Guest mawidow]

I love what CW says about needing space to regroup and build what's next. It is an intense reconstruction after loss, especially with children. I have so much respect for you who are parents.

 

When NG asked to live together really early into dating, I could see that he'd been waiting for a happy domestic life for a decade, but I was still adjusting to losing the one I had for 2 decades. Plus, I did not want to shortchange my own life reconstruction or prematurely shut down my growth. For me, that is a very private process. Easy for a new guy to feel left out.

 

I think he felt more included in my life when I started asking for more help. I asked him to pick up a favorite seltzer at the grocery store, or drive me to my first day of class. He insisted on taking time off when I had surgery. Those things seem really important to him. And good for me to learn how to receive.

 

Sending much support! Xoxo

[MrsDan]

I think your relationship has ebbs and flows that are healthy. And you seem to be good about communicating about it. I guess I have the benefit of reading all the past posts. It's not a simple issue of insecurity. Believe me, if this guy was insecure it wouldn't have lasted this long. I think it takes a tremendous amount of and confidence that the relationship can endure all the challenges you've faced. The challenges ahead may seem a little overwhelming to you both at times, so maybe emphasize the obstacles you've already overcome? Two of your three kids have warmed up to him, and the other one is tolerant? That is HUGE from where you were a year ago; honestly did you ever truly believe it was possible?

[Trying]

You are so right MrsDan, it is huge from where we were a year ago! thank you for listening and responding through all of my turmoil.  I wish there was a support site for divorced men dating widows so NG could get advice and support the way I do, he deserves it!