Widow Meet-Ups - you won't believe what she did after 2 hours!

[Helen]

Blatant click bait right there; disclaimer that the truth is not that interesting!

 

This may end up being a bit controversial and I am sure people have different experiences and perspectives, but this post is just my personal reflection and maybe how others have felt too.

 

As well as being a member here I am part of a UK Widows group too and this weekend they had a meet-up about 90 mins from me so I booked and went along on Friday. Now I will be the 1st to admit that I was tired, emotional and a little fragile (what happened last week is another story, which could potentially have much better click bait) when I arrived there about 6pm.

 

As widows I think most of us have experienced how easy it is to feel outside of a group, walking into events alone, not quite fitting in at that dinner party and stuff. This is something I have found very hard for the last three years and I continue to work hard to pull myself out of my comfort zone, which really would be in bed watching Netflix. Going to events with other widows is the one place I think I should feel comfortable.

 

So back to my weekend, I arrived and people were milling about getting a BBQ ready, I unpacked my case and my bike, looking forward to meeting new people and cycling. I don't really have much trouble chatting to new people so sat down at a bench and begun to get to know others. I was a little surprised how many men were there. As people began to chat though I realised these were all couples, and in fact many of the people there were re-coupled. They were all very keen to tell me this, before the new girl got any designs on their men.

 

It is so tough to be a widow, so often feeling like the spare wheel, personally I don't want to go on a widow weekend with a whole lot of couples and feel that way there too. Hence I left after 2 hours, sneaking off into the night to avoid fuss.

 

This could stir some feelings I know, but I am not aware it has been discussed previously. As I drove home, feeling pretty (and by pretty I mean really, really) shit and sorry for myself I wondered how others feel. I know many of you here have found someone else and I am pretty (and by pretty I mean a little bit) jealous of that, and that there are a whole raft of new issues to deal with when this happens that is legitimate for discussion. I don't want to say that those people should not come along to widow events because that remains part of them. I guess what I am asking is that those people be aware that this is an issue and to go to a bago and be surrounded by couples, being all coupley, is not at all helpful for those, like me, struggling with being alone.

 

TL;DR: Bago was all couples, I was pissed off and left feeling alone and shittier than I have in ages.

 

My question then is - should people stop going to bagos once they are re-coupled? 

 

 

(my infrequent posts here now should be labelled - Helen Has a Shitty Day #N)

 

[Trying]

I am so sorry that your weekend was such an utter disappointment and that it wasn't clear to you before hand what you were getting yourself into. 

 

I happen to be recoupled, not totally integrated and sharing a life recoupled but whatever.  My new guy is not a widower so if I was going to a large Bago it would not occur to me to include him.  If it was a small gathering of people I was personally friends with and it was prearranged and agreed on, maybe. 

 

I would've been disappointed and uncomfortable too.  It should've been your safe place.

[imissdow]

I'm sorry they made you feel out of place.  I have been to several Bagos. Almost all of them had some couples at them. However at none of them did it get thrown in my face. We just all sat and talked and shared our stories.  I think the assumption was made that you came looking for a partner. The general assumption made at all the bagos I  have attended was that I had come to met others who had and were living thru what I am. I don't think it's bad in and of it's self to have couples at a bago however they still need to behave like caring compassionate humans.  The first bago I went to had 2 couples at it and other then the fact that they came and left together you wouldn't have known they were a couple. This is in my mind what a bago should and can be, a welcoming place for anyone who has lost a partner, re-coupled or not.

 

Just for the record as happy as I am that people have found someone new it also drives me crazy. I try not to be totally jelous but it is so hard. I so want the "happy ever after " again and so far I have yet to meet a guy with long term potential.

[Wheelerswife]

Helen,

 

I recoupled and still went to bagos, some with my husband and many without.  I've been to bagos with other wid/widower couples, too.  I'd just have to say that acting "coupley" when with other non-coupled wids is kind of tacky!  I think it was also pretty insensitive to not let unsuspecting people know that the weekend would have multiple couples present...especially since it turned out that everyone was recoupled!  I, for one, still felt as if I was a member of the club, even after I remarried.  I still wanted to see my widow friends.  As a matter of fact, I was at a bago half way across the country the day John, my second husband, died. 

 

So...should recoupled wids be allowed to bago?  In my opinion?  Absolutely.  Do they need to use some discretion?  Ahh...yeah!

 

I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience at your meet-up.

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

Oh Helen, that must have been so hard.  Like some of the events I've gone to as the only person there without a spouse.  And holy smokes, it sucks.  And I will never get used to it.

 

Adp and I hosted a bago at my house this summer when he was here from England because he wanted so very much to meet everyone.  We would both be mortified if anyone felt awkward because we are a couple.  I still very much need my time with my widowed friends, though, and the affirmation of community and the joy I feel seeing everyone's lives, especially our children's, moving forward.  Recoupled or not, it means the world to me. 

 

I'm really sorry you had that experience.  I'd also have been crestfallen.  If you were closer we'd welcome you into our PA/NJ/MD/NY/WV community (of which imissdow is a part as well) with open arms!  In my mind though, once widowed, always widowed....our circumstances might change but that fact, unfortunately, remains. 

 

Lots of love. 

 

Edited to add: WV - for Sugarbell 

[Jess]

It is an interesting question for sure. First and formost, it is shitty that your day turned out that way. It sounds like there was a lack of sensitivity and thought there by far too many people.

 

To address your question about recoupled people going to bagos i can only speak from where i am at. I am recoupled with a widower. I know that while we are moving forward together, we are very much influenced, rooted in, and still processing this grief journey and will be for a lifetime. There is comfort in meeting and spending time with others sharing that path and recoupling doesn't erase that need for comfort. That said, I think it would lack sensitivity to be overtly coupley, and really just highly innapropriate.

 

I am trying to put myself in the shoes of someone recoupled with a non-wid, and I guess I keep coming to the conclusion that it would be strange to bring that person unless everyone was aware in advance and was okay with it. It is like bringing a vegan to a meat appreciation conference. That person would be out of place without really much to contribute nor enjoy. I don't know.

 

Again, sorry it turned out like that for you. I would have had similar feelings.

 

[Needytoo]

Everyone has  great comments.  I am so sorry Helen this woman did this after all it was a widow meetup not a widow recoupled weekend and I will be the first to admit I would have done exactly what you did.  The emotions would have taken over and I would have been out of there.  So what is the correct thing to do in this situation?  Come out right away and ask this women is this a widow meetup or a recouple meeting?  Where is the new rule book to look this situation up. 

[SoVerySad]

I think bagos with recoupled wids in attendance is acceptable. I can say that it might even be somewhat inspirational - to see others who have found happiness in a relationship again to see firsthand an example that it can happen. That said, the only bagos I've attended were with members from our online wid community. I knew most of the stories of those in attendance and the commonalities we shared, even though some had recoupled. I knew those who had recoupled hadn't forgotten the devastation, fear, etc. and that they would be supportive and understanding. Had I been in your situation with all couples, I feel certain I'd have done the same as you did. I would have felt very out of place. My feelings about being alone would only have been magnified. I get that feeling enough in my world as it is - no need to subject myself to more of it.

 

I hope you'll find another group that is a better fit. I am so grateful for the friends I've made through bagos. I want that experience for you as well. How I wish you were closer!

 

Tight hugs...

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I went to several Bagos where I felt out of place by being a guy in a room full of widows. I would be happy for them. Hey maybe they know someone else that would be a perfect fit, for a romance, etc., recoupling has always inspired me. As long as there not gloating hanging on one another, and it's not an exclusive couples dance. I guess I just don't see it as a problem. Tough call.

[Guest mawidow]

Helen, I would not have lasted 2 minutes. I don't know you, but I'm totally rooting for your happiness.

[Guaruj]

Helen - I'm really sorry that this meet-up turned out the way it did for you. I would also have been disappointed. It would certainly been the last occasion that I met with such a group.

 

My question then is - should people stop going to bagos once they are re-coupled? 

 

Of course not. But I agree with the others that this group must have, collectively, forgotten its sensitivity towards widowed people, which is presumably the reason it exists in the first place.

 

I must assume that many of these couples had one non-widowed partner. For those couples, I don't think it's helpful for that partner to be there. If I found a new girlfriend, I wouldn't bring her to a bago unless she was also widowed.

 

Again, I'm sorry you had this experience. It sounds just lousy.

 

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[Guaruj]

I couldn't stop thinking about this issue while I made dinner tonight.

 

I've been to two bagos so far. The first was in March about 1 hour's drive from where I live. @DonnaP organized that bago and her husband @MrDrew came with her. As many of us know already, both of them were previously widowed when they married. I really enjoyed meeting both of them. They both went out of their way to include everyone who showed up that day. In no way did they "cling to each other" during that luncheon.

 

The second bago I went to was in May at a winery in Connecticut organized by rifatheroffour, about 2 hours drive for me. I  socialized very little (and even less in groups) during my first year of widowhood, and it probably showed. I think DonnaP recognized that and was especially nice to me that day; she hugged me at least twice.

 

I must say that I am glad that the widow/ers I have met through YWBB and widda.org are much friendlier and more supportive than those described by Helen at her disappointing meet-up.

 

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[keeptrying]

I am VERY confused on the couples bago thing. It does not make sense to me.

  I went to a bago and there was a couple who were both widows. They get it. To see them, to know they were together made me feel SO happy inside. They have both been through it, they know and support each other and are helping other widows also. They are a fantastic example of hope and that life can be good again. THAT was great and inspiring.

 

As widows, every day of our lives we are around couples and people who aren?t widowed. Attending a bago shouldn?t be that way. If I went to a bago and there were a bunch of ?couples? there, with spouses that weren?t widowed I would feel uncomfortable. It  just seems uncomfortable to go up to a couple and say to both of them, hey, I am painfully rotting from the inside out, I am tortured every minute of the day and then look at the spouse of the widow as they look at me like a deer in headlights and think I am insane. I don?t understand what the non widow can offer and why they would even want to go to a bago with their spouse. (for support? They do that every day, they are married to them!) I understand it could show that yes, people move on and can be happy, and the widows can share experiences. But every day we are all lost in a sea of people who don?t get it.  I lost my soul, the last thing I want to do at a widow gathering is hold a conversation with a non widow who is happily being affectionate to their spouse.

 

[Nuggets]

I went to my very first GTG (Widownet's nomenclature for 'bago) about 18 months after John died ~ I was nervous. 

 

The GTG was in Las Vegas, a favourite 'quick getaway' for us and a place we had gone many times and had good fun ~ but it was also organized by a couple that had met through WN and recoupled... I registered for the hotel with my maiden name, didn't give too many details about myself, etc etc ... truly, I thought: 'If I feel uncomfortable or don't like these people, I am going to disappear and they won't be able to find me..'

 

I am very good friends with the couple now (they are the epitome of 'class' at these kinds of gatherings), and had a very positive experience all those years ago, but I was protecting my heart and my fragile being... and would have bailed in an instant had I felt the need to do so.  Good for you for protecting yourself ~ no one else can do that for you.

[DonnaP]

Hi Helen,

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience and that it soured you a bit on BAGOs in general. I wish you would come to one of our BAGOs--they are nothing but supportive. In fact, I was fearful when I went to my first BAGO at a winery here in Connecticut. There were so many nice people there, however, I quickly felt at ease. I met my now husband, MrDrew through YWBB, but not at a BAGO. We had connected online and started up a dialogue, that led to meeting in person, and the rest went from there. It was not planned as a social thing. Initially, we just reached out to each other to offer support--like so many of the members of this group do. But, we found that talking to each other was a bright spot in an otherwise dark and dismal day. Once we were together, we attended a number of BAGOs as a couple. And we have organized a few too. We enjoy the interaction with wonderful people, who are all hurting, like us. The group you met up with seems to have forgotten its primary purpose. Don't give up on the whole BAGO concept, though. There are a lot of good people out there, waiting to offer their support.

 

HUGS,

DonnaP

[donswife]

I am so sorry it went that way ,

its hard enough walking into a social situation alone

its more then being by yourself, its the whole gut wrenching feeling and reminder, at that moment

that you don't have your other half with you and that is heartbreaking enough

I am very impressed that you were able to stick it out for 2 hours

I have perfected what my niece calls the "Irish goodbye" where you sneak off with out making a fuss or saying good bye

have only gone to one bago and I had a great experience , it was weeks after my don died and my emotions were very raw so I am so grateful that it went so well

hope the next one you go to will be that for you 

[canadiangirl]

((Helen)) I would have done exactly the same thing.