Fears

[AndysWife]

Two of my widowed friends got married to 2 different people this weekend. One was widowed 2 months before me and the second one was widowed more than a year after me. Both are my age - only one has children though.

 

I know it is wrong to think this way but I cannot help it. I find myself comparing my recovery to theirs and I am nowhere near them. I marked DH's 4th anniversary 3 weeks ago and I really expected to be further along than I am by now. Recently, a friend remarked that my best years are going to waste and her comment hit home. I'm 43 and I haven't had sex for 5 years.

 

I've never been on a date, I always decline because I can't let go of DH yet for some reason. Added to that, I am very scared of only attracting men with similar traits to DH. DH died by suicide and I would be lying if I said that he was a low maintenance personality. I'm not afraid of a relationship failing or even of being widowed again because I have trust in myself to overcome disappointments etc but I just can't be bothered if I am destined to attract more of the same.

 

Was or is anybody else afraid of anything like this?

[MissingSquish]

Have you considered trauma counseling?  I am also a SOS, and EMDR helped me to get past a lot of what you are describing.  You are valuable, you are more than a SOS.

 

You may be initially attracted to men that have similarities to your late husband, but you don't need to choose them to have a relationship with.

[Sugarbell]

Ok first let me state that being remarried does not necessarily equate to moving on and healed. At my 4 year mark....I had just gotten divorced from a 5 month mess and had developed a serious prescription drug addiction. At 4 years out I was rock bottom. My lowest...even lower than I was days after being widowed cause I now had a drug problem on top of my mess.

 

After that mess-I didn't date...I didn't have sex for 2 1/2 yrs...because I too was afraid of going out with my pattern of dysfunctional men. So don't beat yourself up that you haven't dated. You've traveled...been raising your son and other kids.

 

You've still got plenty of good prime years ahead of you. (I am 44)....And you've been learning and focusing on you. The right guy who you deserve is right around the corner-When YOU are ready. Don't settle or compare yourself to anyone else. (((((hugs))))

[Jen]

I'll be 41 one month from today, and I am terrified that I will never have sex again. That no one will ever love me or want me or even notice me, ever ever again. I've never dated, I don't want to date, I want this whole freaking nightmare to end, but it won't. So I have a choice: resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life and trying to fill the void somehow, or... learning to be social and date. I have no clue what to do. I'm sitting here in tears just typing this, because both possibilities are so frightening to me. I'm afraid I'll never get what I want... I'm just as afraid that I will.

 

That probably makes no sense. I wish there was another answer, but I can't find it, and I can't seem to stop caring.

[Guest mawidow]

When I wasn't sure if I'd EVER be ready to date, someone said to me: don't worry about being ready. Whenever you decide to date, there will always be plenty of lonely people . It was kind of a joke but kind of not. People will always want to be with other people. And in my observation, men will ALWAYS want to be with women.

 

There is a website called datelikeagrownup.com that helped me calm down about the whole effing why-the-hell-do-I-have-to-date? thing.

 

Sending support all around.

[Mizpah]

I can't let go of DH yet for some reason.

 

"For some reason" I think minimizes it - for many reasons.  Don't be so hard on yourself and so dismissive of your feelings.  There are lots of reasons you're where you are, and maybe some are unhealthy, but I'm sure some are healthy.  I think it's smart to be cautious given what you're saying, that you're afraid that you're going to only be into guys who will be damaging to you or your life.  Maybe you're just not ready yet, and that's ok.  Or maybe you're ready but fear is keeping you from "jumping in" to life, or re-life....  I have a bunch of young widow friends from YWBB who were on my timeline and about my age (20s and early 30s). 

 

Some of us are in new relationships - a couple of us even have kids with new people - while some of us, like you, haven't even had sex with a new partner.  The comparing, it's almost impossible not to do, but don't give in to it too much.  We all have different circumstances - our old partners, our old relationships, the dating pool, our readiness level, what we want from the next phase of our life, whether we're ready to handle being with someone, willingness to deal with dating, etc. - the varying circumstances are endless.

 

And I totally agree with Sugarbell - some people have "moved on" to other partners who are way "behind" in grieving than some who haven't even dated at all.  Being with a new person doesn't necessarily mean you're doing ok and are grieving right or are healed/healing. 

 

I forced myself to date before I was ready.  It's not for everyone, but it was good for me to do - go through the motions, make myself face some things.  My answer to everything is therapy.  I think it's the best thing any human can do for themselves, especially widows. 

[anniegirl]

All of your fears are totally understandable. It's not strange at all to worry about what might go wrong if you date again or that you might never date, have sex or marry again.

 

And it's not a race. It wasn't a race before, right? Still isn't.

 

Readiness has a lot more to do with what you want and what you are comfortable with than anything else. Even still have grief or trauma issues is secondary, imo.

 

If you really wanted to be dating, you would be regardless.

 

So is it what you want or is it what you think you should want because others have or people tell you that you should?

 

It's your life. You are still in control of what happens and what doesn't. And what others are doing or think about you, isn't your problem.

 

Grief is something that moves to the background of your life over time or because you put it there but it's not what keeps people from new relationships, again my opinion. When you want to do this, you will.

 

It might be meeting someone or an event that propels you, or you might simply decide that it's time. But it still gets back to you and what you need and want.

 

And about "attracting" the wrong kind of prospects. We can't always know when we met someone that they are right for us but we can walk away when we realize they aren't. If that's what's stopping you from dating - if that's what you really want to do - trust yourself a little more perhaps.

 

A little bit of care and worry is not a bad thing unless it's paralyzing you and wherever you are right now in life is where you are supposed to be and if it's a place you don't much care for, you can change that if you want to.

[rememberingjason]

So many wise words. I am also an SOS and it terrified me at first that I would always fall for someone with bipolar or the same disposition. I even met one man that I was super attracted to but because of his illness chose to distance myself and just be a friend.

 

Everyone should date when they feel ready. I wasn't really ready and ended up stuck in a manipulative situation with a man that made me absolutely miserable, yet that relationship taught me so much about my new relationship and who I am. It is always a step out on a limb to try anything new.

 

I do not think we ever get over or move past loving our spouse. I do believe we find people (friends or dates) who are willing to understand that love and that we can give them love too.

 

Keep you head held high and don't compare...when you are ready it will happen. Keep the faith.

[AndysWife]

100 thank yous.

 

I've not been myself lately and I have some extremely stressful and unusual problems right now so I am second. third & fourth guessing everything at the moment.

 

After getting a little bit off sleep, I can see that I'm worrying about 'what ifs' rather than 'what is' which is silly of me. I agree with your replies though. It's not like I 'have to' do anything and I certainly have the ability to exit a future relationship if it doesn't suit me. I know better than to compare myself to others because we all have different needs and coping abilities but I'm a bit frustrated with myself. I can see the change in my personality since it happened and I just can't seem to shake the negativity that appeared when he died so when I see others "happy" (whether it is real or not) I can't help but wonder whether I have more problems than I care to deal with - does that make sense? 

 

To Mizpah.. when you said that I am minimising my feelings, it struck a chord with me. I use that kind of terminology all the time  (I'm Aussie) and I'd never considered that before so I will be paying attention to that in future. Thank you for that.

[Virgo]

Yes it makes sense. Fear of the unknown. Please try not to compare yourself to others. We all grieve differently.  I know sometimes you just wish you could fast forward through some of the heartache. I know I do.

 

I feel I have a lot to offer in a future relationship, but I fear the logistics of it all. I fear blending families, finances, and parenting styles. It's hard for me to imagine another man co-parenting with me. Just one day at a time.

[BrokenTre]

I am also just 4 years out and i think i am feeling the same way i cant imagine actually being with anyone else but i also cant see the rest of my life alone, and while i loved my husband dearly he had a few traits i would care to avoid .i have even gone as far as making a profile on a dating site with absolutely no intention of going on a date just to boost my ego i just want to know i may still be attractive ,its sick i know! i have gotten a few messages so far i cant respond i freak out the thought of a date terrifies me i feel as if i would betray him idk what is wrong with me