DavidsKtBeth Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm trying to fall asleep and I can't stop replaying the night before Dave passed and the morning he passed over and over and over and over in my head. Hindsight is the worst possible thing. It's not fair. I had been doing so well handling things (or so I thought) until recently. I immediately moved back in with my parents after being away for 8 years. The past 6 months is the closest I had lived to them and I was still 2 hours away. When I moved in 2 months ago my little sister lived here. Well on Friday I went with my friend to the local University bookstore and I about lost it and came close to just sobbing in the middle of the bookstore. Dave and I met in college and were pretty active on campus but I never thought that going to another school and walking around campus would suck so freaking bad. Like THE WORST. I had been downtown (off campus) at the school we went to twice already since Dave passed and was fine. I guess because with all the hustle and bustle of classes just starting it was extremely overwhelming. On Saturday (our 3 month wedding anniversary) everyone was working on moving my sister out into her new house with her fiance. My mom comes in and wakes me up and tells me they need to move the bed and box spring I'm sleeping on to my sister's house and that the neighbor has my bed and they'll bring it in so I should just go sleep in her room. THEN they change what room I have been sleeping in the past 2 months to where my sister had been sleeping. It's about 10 degrees hotter in this room. On top of all these changes (which normally would be small nbd changes) I have to go turn in keys/garage door opener to the home Dave and I shared tomorrow -- 2 hours away.. along with turn in all of his work supplies (computer, cell phone, random products he used to sell). I guess these are all triggers that are making this week horrendous. I don't want to live at home. I don't feel safe here. Not safe as in I'm in danger, but not safe like Dave made me feel. He made me feel so safe all the time. I'm so heart broken and confused. Can he come back now, please. Pretty please? I don't really have a life without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm sending you tight, tight hugs. I know it is so very hard and painful. It is hard to predict what might trigger a breakdown and where. I've cried so many places in public. The sadness is just too intense to contain. I'm sorry you have to return the keys and your husband's work supplies. All these little tasks we have to do make it all more real, when all we want is just to find out there's just been some kind of awful mix-up and have them back. I wish I knew a way to help it hurt less. Adding more hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo12 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I've been there. Well, all of us have. So many unexpected triggers.... and the only thing that could make it better is if our loved ones came home. I'll let you know though, for what it's worth, these feeling will not last forever. It's okay to feel like you're falling into an abyss, because that's normal, and all these painful feelings are the basis for healing. I lost my fiance suddenly, the day after I had picked out my wedding dress. Our daughter was two months old. And you know what, a year and some-months later (I can't believe I've stopped counting the months!) we are doing well. You will too. It will seem like nothing could ever, ever be okay ever again but trust that your body and mind know how to grieve. Hang out here with us, we get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I once cried sitting on the bench of the lobby of a Little Caesars. Seriously. There wasn't even a trigger as we had never been in a Little Caesars together. I was just waiting on some food and my mind wandered and I started crying. So, going some place that is triggering and having a reaction is not only understandable, it also I am afraid to say probably a normal reaction. It is a weird reality to live in when you can label such things "normal", but that is how it is. Next, you may not want to hear this but I am going to say it any way. You CAN handle it. You ARE handling it. You can keep handling it. Handling it doesn't mean it isn't going to be a messy process. It also doesn't mean magically moving on or getting over it. For me, I think any concept that either of those things is possible is not descriptive of my grief and I imagine not descriptive of too many other people's grief. Here is what I do see. You are taking the necessary, difficult steps to keep moving forward. I am so very sorry these steps are needed at all, but you've got this. You can do this. You are doing this. And some day while it will still be hard, it won't feel so impossible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Just keep hanging on, and being honest. Let yourself hurt. Grief is a long long path, with many instances of exactly what you're describing: "I'd been doing so well." I can't tell you how many times I started sentences like that. Some ended, "and then I was a crazy sobbing person on the subway." Or, "and then I couldn't do anything but stare at the river all day." You are going to have days where you feel victorious, like a warrior, so proud of surviving, and even able to smile. You're going to have days where you think how proud he'd be of you for how you are handling things. Days where you can turn to the light and do such strong healthy things. And there are going to be dark days. Days where you want to give up, even when you don't even know what giving up means. There are going to be days of feeling physically sick and incapable of facing life and totally overwhelmed with what you must do and what you've chosen to do. Like someone said, this IS handling it. Giving in to the good days and giving in to the bad days. We're all with you, we're all with each other, little pocket people who, even though we aren't in your particular circumstances, know your feelings. Some who have done it and come out "the other side," though it really is lifelong in ways, and some who are right where you are. Lean on that knowledge. Keep bearing the unbearable. You're doing great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidsKtBeth Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 I feel like I don't have a home without him. I just exist. For no fucking reason. I'm just here and I don't want to be. I just want to die. I have no reason to exist.. I'm an appendix. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Any change is overwhelming when your grief is so raw. Keep breathing, give yourself time and space to hurt and acknowlege the strength you have in getting through each day. I used to hate when people said I was strong because I thought it meant I couldn't show how sad and broken I was. Now I realize that it takes incredible strength to be in so much pain and go through the process of grieving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You don't have a home right now. You feel homeless and exiled. This is totally normal. Wishing you were dead is totally normal (as long as you don't plan on doing anything about it!). Feeling like you're just existing is totally normal. Feeling at home, that you're doing more than existing/surviving, not wishing you were dead - these are all states of being that simply take time to reach. Right now, you have no skin, everything hurts, you feel out of place in the world. Keep writing. Everyone here knows exactly what you mean and how you feel and we are with you in spirit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Hang in there. Your world has literally been blown to hell, and the life you had is totally unrecognizable. I can remember lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing something would just come and take me. As others have written, we get it. You just have to concentrate on the "now" - just getting through each moment. I promise you won't always feel this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 There is nothing I can add that has not already been said perfectly, but nonetheless I wanted to tell you that I get it. I've been there. I am thankfully not there any more but I remember how excruciating it was. Hang in there. This feeling will not last forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Everyone has said it but I will say it again - you can handle this. You are handling it. That doesn't mean it won't suck. Or hurt. Or feel disorienting. Or that you won't feel lost and utterly alone in a crowded room. It does mean that you are perfectly normal and what you are feeling is normal despite the fact that it really, really, totally sucks. It's been nearly ten years since my husband died. I have no idea how I handled things still but I did. So will you. It will be okay. It will never not hurt but eventually it will be okay. You will remember how to "handle things" actively and not on auto-pilot and you will make it through. Really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I feel like I don't have a home without him. I just exist. For no fucking reason. I'm just here and I don't want to be. I just want to die. I have no reason to exist.. I'm an appendix. This. Oh, this. I've felt this way so often in the last year-plus. Occasionally I've seen glimmers of light, thought that maybe, maybe, I was seeing the end of the tunnel... only to be plunged back into the abyss. Lately... the glimmers have been getting brighter. There's some blue sky out there. And the tiniest hope of something more... I don't delude myself that the darkness will ever recede completely. But we keep going. We're here, and we do handle it, even when we absolutely can't. It's hard and it sucks and it's not fucking fair... but one breath follows another, and we realise we've made it through another day. You're not alone. I promise. (((((((HUGS))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I remember wondering what purpose my life could possibly have without him. I still haven't answered that question after a year. But I can tell you with time the pain eases. There are still days that the littlest thing can become a trigger, but those days are fewer and farther apart. Just wanted to let you know I get it. Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 will tell you even being in "our" home , still at times doesn't feel like a home with out him You also had to move and deal with so much the feeling of just taking up space is so understood here , still in that mindset here but slowly getting better but just getting up and getting through the day is a big deal and you are doing that wish I could make it easier take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
literatelier Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I don't feel safe here. Not safe as in I'm in danger, but not safe like Dave made me feel. He made me feel so safe all the time. I know this is a little off topic, but I'm noticing this same feeling, sooo much. I'm living alone now, and terrified someone is going to break in. It's a thought that never even crossed my mind before! I can't sleep well at night because every sound wakes me up thinking someone is coming inside. So I get this feeling, I guess is what I'm saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidsKtBeth Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Seriously though. No one warned me how fucking boring life would be without him. I am going crazy!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 The boredom does set in. You get so. fucking. bored. with grief - when the fresh hell doesn't take you over. At three months out, my daughter and I took an 1,800 mile roadtrip through the American South: home, Tupelo, Oxford, New Orleans, Bilox, Gulf Shores, Muscle Shoals, home... It taught me I could laugh again. Have a good time again. All while still missing her, but not feeling guilty at being alive. Still - her absence gnawed at me, wishing she could join her family in the fun... This concept really helped/helps me, and maybe it will you, too. It's all about growing your world to allow space to move around the grief, since it never gets smaller: http://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/bereaved_spouse/f/576/t/74119 http://emergencybunny.blogspot.com/2012/01/ball-of-grief.html Another thing that helps me is to think about each of us - all of humanity - is on a different timeline. These lives interleave, and people come and go in our time. It fucking hurts, but that is what happens to grandparents, lovers, spouses, parents, and children... So now, I try to take each person as I know them, and not take them for granted. If you love them - accept them for who they are, because they might not be here tomorrow. Love in the now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidsKtBeth Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm seriously going crazy. I went to Target today and they didn't have my vitamins I always took and I started crying. Then I went to look for a bow tie for my dog because his birthday is Friday and I wanted him to have a bow tie and they didn't even have a section for dog bow ties! WTF TARGET! I also cried at Target because there was a cute old man waiting for his wife at the exit (I'm assuming she was in the bathroom) and I was waiting for my sister and I just thought of all the times Dave had to sit and wait for me at Target and then that song waiting on a woman popped into my head.. :'( THEN I had to pay for car insurance and I cried again because that shit is expensive lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 You're not going crazy. All sorts of things trigger tears in the beginning. One thing I found is that when I stopped worrying that I was losing my mind and just accepted that begin blindsided by tears was simply a thing that would happen, the result was that it started happening in public a lot less. Sorry it was a rough outing for you. And yes, car insurance is crazy expensive. Imagine a lot of people shed tears about it and not just widowed ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexsander Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm 2+ years off and still can't ENTER a Subway restaurant. Anyone, anywhere. DW suffered the fatal brain stroke sitting at a table while I was grabbing the menu. We all have triggers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I used to break down in tears in the weirdest places. Anything car related sent me into a tail spin (see what I did there?). I cried in front of my students for no apparent reason so many times I lost count. I also hid a lot. I would get my child where she needed to be and then I would hide - car, bathroom, anywhere I could steal a moment to breathe. Totally normal. There are very few triggers for me now though every now and then I'll feel a little tug. It is my small town's annual agricultural/county fair right now - it is indescribably, hilariously bizarre and my husband loved it to no end. I could go now with my BF who has never been as it would be like seeing it for the first time through someone else's perspective but I could never, ever go alone just with my daughter - it would be like a wind tunnel of memories and quotes and images. Over time, I've learned how to self-preserve by anticipating situations that could be tough. And I don't feel cheated. I feel grateful that we had those few summers together when we could marvel at all that is weird, wonderful and wildly inappropriate at the "Great" Allentown Fair. And in a very great many other situations and circumstances as well. It just took time. Sending lots of support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidsKtBeth Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Shut up! Allentown, PA? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Is there another? Yes, Allentown! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidsKtBeth Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 One of my best friends is from Allentown! I was supposed to be in her wedding this summer but then DH passed away and I couldn't travel that far knowing only the bride and groom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 All roads lead to Allentown..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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