it's been a week and two days, his cremation was this morning and i feel... lost

[oscarsbeloved]

Oscar and I had been together since May of 2012. Our relationship was, so perfect. He was kind and thoughtful, his only thought was to protect me and make me happy. He helped me to gain the confidence to go back to school and he was there to cheer me on as the awards and honors came. He was accepting and patient with my little boy from my first marriage, and connected well with him, to the point where my son always asked when we would get married. He had set aside a ring he was paying for and said he had a date set for the proposal. Our lives together were beginning.

 

Everything came to an end last Monday when I woke up alone. He would sometimes go to the garage to clean his guns. And I found him dead, the result of a freak accident. I'm haunted by the thought of his body lying there. The police said I need trauma and grief counseling. I can't support my family now, and I have my young son to comfort too. I wasn't his wife, so I had no control over anything when it came to the service or his wishes. I'm trying my best to hold it together but I finally broke today. They were loading him into the crematory oven and I lost it. I started screaming and crying, banging on the glass and begging them to stop. It took his family and the funeral director an hour to calm me down. Now I feel numb again, and scared. What do I do? I want to live, I want to accomplish everything he wanted for me. I don't want to lose my job, and I don't want my grades to slip. When will healing begin?

[Justin]

Oscarsbeloved,

 

I am glad that you found us, but am so sorry that you have to be here. Everyone's timelines are different; for me, I was about 3 months out before I could look back and tell that I had made any progress. It was about this time that I learned I could laugh again and have a good time, if only for short periods.The shock and fog started to lift a bit earlier.

 

For right now, you just have to make it through each day - minute by minute, if need be. Be sure to take care of yours and your son's needs, and be gentle with yourself. Post here often, and don't be shy about asking for help. There are a lot of really good people here, and we "get it".

[Mizpah]

Oh love, I'm so sorry.  Healing begins now, or already began - in the beginning it feels like raw, unbearable pain.  It is a very long journey, with the most all-consuming part right now.  Your grief is eating you alive, you feel dysfunctional - you ARE dysfunctional.  It's ok.  It took many months for me to feel close to human.  What Justin said is exactly right - minute by minute, basic needs.  Hydrate.  Take care of your son to the best of your abilities.  Take advantage of offers of assistance.  Cry when you need to.  Talk when you need to.  Be silent when you need to.  The people here are walking next to you and ahead of you on this widow road, and we hear you and know the feelings that are overwhelming you.  Do you have health insurance?  Therapy is the best thing I ever did for myself.  It obviously can't change your circumstances, but it can help you process it and help you live with it and just let you get it out, be a haven.  I hope that the goodness of who he was and the love you shared will be like a little light inside you, even in your darkest moments.  I'm thinking of you. 

[Jess]

oscarsbeloved,

 

I am so very sorry for your loss of Oscar, but I am so glad you found us. I found our community (then located elsewhere) and got my account activated at day 11. I credit doing as well as I am with finding these wonderful people, getting support, and being able to say the scary or ugly things that I couldn't say to friends or family.

 

Mizpah is right, the healing has already begun. Part of the healing is feeling the pain of the wound that has cut so deep you don't even know how to recover. Right now I know you have a ton of worries and things are scary, but you have one main job- to take care of yourself. This means sleeping and eating as you are able and drinking as much water as you can manage. It is like being on an airplane if the oxygen masks deploy, you take care of securing yours first and then help others. Taking care of you will make it easier to take care of your son and then start facing the other issues as they come.

 

I was very fortunate that my job was so supportive and understanding. I was scared to lose my job, too, but they put my mind at ease. They also had an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that allowed me to get 5 free counseling sessions and then additional ones for my co-pay amount. You may wish to find out if your employer offers something similar. If not, sometimes you can get free or reduced pricing on counseling through hospice programs.

 

Keep sharing and posting because we do understand. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I am so sorry you had to join this club.  Justin, Mizpah and Jess have already said so many good things.  I will add that I was/am a student as well.  I went back to class soon after my husband died.  School gave me structure and deadlines and that kept me focused and forced me out of the house to at least interact on some level with others.  Was it easy?  Not necessarily, but sometimes it helped to keep me from only thinking about my husband's death.  Let your professors know, take advantage of counseling options and don't be afraid to come here to read and post to your heart's content.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[SimiRed]

oscarsbeloved,

 

I am so sorry!  You have found us here who understand.  Everyone above said everything, post as much as you like.  No one will judge you here, we've all been there and know the journey of healing.

 

{{Hugs}}

[Trying]

I am so sorry for your loss, your pain, and your future cut way too short.  Talk to your boss, talk to your professors and your advisor and find out what accomadations they can make for you.  Right now you have to focus on the basics, eating, drinking water, sleeping when you can, getting showered and dressed. When ever the panic about your future hits, stop and take 3 deep breaths then tell yourself "I just have to get through this one moment." And you will.  Then when it starts again repeat"I can get through this one moment"

 

 

[Jen]

I can't add anything to what's been said, just holding you close and crying with you. Breathe. Just breathe. We're here, we're listening, and we get it. So many hugs-- I am so, so sorry.

[gracelet]

I too am sorry for your loss.  The heart searing pain, the agony, the tears, the panic, the desperation.  We on this board were all there too.

 

Your healing has indeed already started.  It's a slow process, but you WILL get to a point where joy re-enters your life.  Just cling on to that and trust us. 

 

Don't worry about how you get there for now. Don't you worry about the jobs and the grades.  It's too early.  Just breathe.  Just function.  Get out of bed every day and eat.  Ensure your son does the same.  That's it.

 

Sending you love and light.

[oscarsbeloved]

i'm moved back into our old apartment with my son. the psychologist said the nightmares and nausea were because of living in the house and the fear i've attached to it after what's happened. i don't feel scared anymore, now i just feel loneliness. when my son goes to sleep at night, i really feel how heavy the loneliness is. there are hours upon hours that i'm not talking or laughing like we always did. because he was my best friend, i never really cultivated friendships with other people. i have nothing and no one. i keep hoping this is all just a nightmare but it isn't. i'm never going to wake up from this because i'm already awake. i'm only 28. i don't want to meet someone else and forget him. we were supposed to grow old together. i don't understand why this happened. and i can't handle all the pain.

[Jen]

You won't forget. Profound love merits profound change, and so you are changed forever. Don't worry about the future; it will take care of itself. Right now, just breathe. Breathe. Drink water. Eat something-- it doesn't matter what, for now. Just hold tight to this: you're not alone, and the pain will lessen. You will never forget. So many hugs, sweetie.

[Fran721]

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss of Oscar. I could reasonate with a lot of what you posted because I am young (25) as well and believed that Houston and I had our whole lives to spend together. It just sucks, doesn't it? And there are a lot more worse words I could use. The part where you said that you now had hours at night that were now empty of laughter and talking reminded me of how I was told that not only do we suffer this huge, major loss but we also have a thousand other losses. Moments, activities, times of the day that we once spent with our loved ones but now have lost. I think that looking at it that way helped me because it somehow made it less overwhelming. Like I can miss Houston with my whole heart, but I can also separately mourn the loss of calling him everyday on my lunch break to check in. There's really not much else I can say that someone already hasn't said but I just wanted to let you that you aren't alone. Please message me if you ever want to or feel alone. We are close in age and probably have a lot we could discuss. You are in my thoughts.

[MrsT85]

Please message me if you ever want to or feel alone. We are close in age and probably have a lot we could discuss. You are in my thoughts.

 

Let me chime in and extend the same offer from a little farther out.  I just turned 30, but was 27 when I lost him in a car accident.  It's hard to believe that he's been gone over 2 1/2 years now....

 

I'll echo what others have said - I'm so sorry you've had reason to join us, but glad you've found us.  I've visited this board (and it's predecessor) pretty much daily since I found it 3 days after his crash.  I don't know what I would have done without it.