Just one of those days?

[SimiRed]

I was hesitant to write, because it seems non important in the widow world.  Today would have been the 3 year anniversary that I was married to the abuser.  Last night he sent an email (cause his numbers are all blocked on my phone), with the words? ?Happy Anniversary Baby, I had to send this, my dear.  I have not been with anyone nor do I desire to. Believe what you want God can vouch for me!?

 

All I can say is it hurt, it upset me?I cried myself to sleep.  Why?  I have no clue.  I know he doesn?t care.  Why send this?  I can not even tell you how badly I wanted to reply back with a screen shot of his dating profile that he posted in August, I guess he didn?t really ?desire? to do that either, did he?  Idiot, does he think me a fool?  Or maybe he just thinks I?m not smart enough to see through the manipulation and will come running back?

 

Today, I just really wish I had a friend to steal me away and go somewhere with.  To help me laugh or to just listen or keep my mind off of it.  There were moments where I just cried and wanted to rip my caring heart out. Why does it feel so bad?  He betrayed me, he lied to me, and he used me.  He was supposed to protect my son and me and he hurt us instead.  How about an anniversary gift of the money he owes me instead?  Nope?

 

Yes, I know the truth? The relationship I BELIEVED we had was only an illusion.  The reality is that he never seen me as an equal, but just someone to dominate.  What I never got was true companionship, intimacy, or validation?instead I got manipulation, control and hostility.

 

And I cry over this?  Someone tell me why?  Why does it hurt? 

 

All I can say is this is a different kind of hurt, but still painful.  It upsets me because I did care and I did try.  Please, please, when looking for your chapter 2, or if you are in a relationship, don?t ever fall for this.  It?s a horrible experience and it will tear you apart one day.  When someone says something mean then says, ?I?m just kidding?? they?re not, you know the difference.  No one should tell you that you are over sensitive, that?s telling you they don?t care about your feelings!  Trust me, don?t wait to have external scars before you figure this out.  Emotional and verbal abuse leaves deeper scars than any wound could ever show.

 

Obviously he hasn?t gotten a new supply hooked up yet or he wouldn?t have even remembered the day. 

 

I just needed to get this off my chest, like widowhood, friends disappear.  And being where I?m at? totally somewhere new, I have no-one around me. 

 

What I should be focusing on is what I have to be proud of, of what I have accomplished in 3 months.

 

✓ A new home

✓ I am mastering hanging pictures on drywall!

✓ I have some furniture

✓ I am no longer eating off of paper plates!

✓ I have a wonderful son who smiles again and asks me to play cards with him

✓ I have all my pets with me

✓ Medical insurance (not the best, but I do have it)

✓ I am proud of myself for finding the strength to follow through and leave

✓ I will be warm this winter!  No more waking up to 54?

✓ I do not look over my shoulder and wait for the next insult

✓ I do NOT have to wash that glass in the sink

✓ I am proud of myself because even with everything I went through, I'm still able to see and appreciate the beautiful things that life has to offer, and because I have not lost hope.

 

I am trying to tell myself that I am a strong person.  Tears do not show weakness, they are only showing strong emotion.  Yes, I do have a caring heart, an emotional heart? some days it just gets the better of me. 

 

I miss the contact with friends, a lot.  But?as always, keeping my eye on the prize.  My son, he is a typical teenager with some issues he is working on.  He finds himself replying to me in a way that the ex did, he thinks it will get him his way.  However, as hard as it is, I will tell him that that is not the proper way to speak to me and he needs to think about how he is verbalizing something and come back and try again.  Yep, I get the teenager stomping, eye rolling and groaning?but he?ll be a better man for it later!

 

Thank you for listening, thank you for caring? Thank you for not bashing me for crying over something so not worth crying over.

 

 

 

 

 

[CJF]

You are truly amazing.  You do have a caring heart and that's why it hurts.  Just look at your son and you will know its all worth it.  Big hugs to you. 

[WifeLess]

SimiRed,

 

Despite the very difficult road you have travelled, you have indeed accomplished much during these past few months to be proud of. And not just with regard to your son and yourself. Your strength and determination have also inspired others here who read your story. For this you should take pride as well.

 

--- WifeLess

[Wheelerswife]

Ah, my friend, he will never see the wrongness of his ways.  I'm sorry he has the means to continue to torment you.  He will never stop being deceptive.  He probably wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror in the morning if he could actually see who he was.

 

But you, Tracey, are a survivor.  You give me motivation to keep going, too.  So...keep it up.  I need you, too.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[mmg19]

The caring heart and survivor strength of an amazing woman brought on the tears.  You have accomplished so much and have remained honest, humble, and true to yourself.  No nastiness or meanness in your soul.  Sending you cyber hugs and please know you are inspirational, character inspiring, and an amazing mother and woman. 

[Captains wife]

You have accomplished so much and it takes a lot to walk away from someone, even if it wasn't right. It is so understandable that you are upset, this guy seems so manipulative. I'm sorry he doesn't seem to know that himself and is clearly not self reflective. I read your words of wisdom very carefully and appreciate you sharing your Chapter 2 experience. Sending virtual support - this cant be easy at all....

 

 

[RobFTC]

That guy cannot fathom how much you were really worth, and how much he lost.  You will make it; I wish it was easier for you.  I am glad you keep posting your hurts and your progress, I know I wonder about you.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Carey]

"Thank you for listening, thank you for caring? Thank you for not bashing me for crying over something so not worth crying over."

 

Your heart and your time and your feelings were invested in what you thought was your second chance at happiness, after already being totally devastated by loss.  This is a loss too.  The loss is not HIM, but the loss of "what could have been", or what you thought it would be, what you wanted it to be.  There doesn't have to be a death to grieve loss.  Hopes and dreams hurt when they are shattered.  So , worth crying over.  And therefore, we cry with you. We rejoice with you because we are so proud of you . I look up to you. Much as I love Chad, I know I was a terrible enabler and put up with SO MUCH abuse (mental and emotional) yet I never left. I should have left years and years ago.  I lacked that courage.  So you need to take stock of yourself , your new self, and be proud for all you have accomplished!

[SimiRed]

Thank you for your wonderful responses!  I know being a widow is extremely emotional, the grief is hard to overcome.  Some days I feel like I'm back to when DH passed away, 6 years ago, and starting over alone again.  It reminds me and throws me back to those days of accomplishing things solo.  Some days the emotions engulf me, but I try to follow all the old rules of getting through it.

 

These feet of mine keep me going. It's a wonderful feeling to know my "family" here has my back, no matter what it is any of us go through, this family is always there. 

[Jen]

So. Many. HUGS.

 

You are my heroine. Hold on. Keep breathing. All will be well.

[Mizpah]

I was hesitant to write, because it seems non important in the widow world.

 

No.  No, don't be hesitant.  We all think of you, clearly.  I know I do.  And no, it's not non-important in the widow world.  The widow world is about the specific one we lost, but it's also about the loss of that safe place, that person, our ally, our haven from the world.  You lost that, then you were given false, horribly disappointing hope that you'd found it again.  The widow(er) support alliance/emotional safety net is here for exactly this purpose - when we don't have that person and really need support.  You're amazing for being so honest, for being strong enough to resist his attempts, to break free, to start over, to start to recover, to share it with us.  It's inspiring. 

 

For me, one of the hardest things about relationships after widowhood is that, with DH dying, at least I had the comfort of knowing he loved me so much and would've done anything to take care of me.  In relationships now, instead of being strong and independent and resilient as I thought I would be, instead, the slightest hurts and rejections feel massive and traumatizing, I think because it opens the door to what I lost in losing DH and our (too perfect!) relationship.  So I can't imagine how soul-shocking what you've gone through must be.  I'm thinking of you often, and cheering you on.  I wish you didn't have to be so strong and brave. 

[Guest CastleOnSand]

Just wanted to ad. This has happened to me. You can block aol etc. I found the best revenge is when someone aol'ed me, I just did not open it. Then the sender gets the message (unread).

This bothers them more than you will know. You can even google how to read mail, and make it appear "not read".

Responding to such a message only fuels someone's fire, at least from what I've experienced.

I'm sorry you had such a bad marriage (after).

The guys sounds like an immature child who didn't get his way.

Time will pass and you will meet, trust, and fully love again.

Wishing you the best.

[Guest nonesuch]

The end of a relationship is a little like a death, to me. It's the end of a dream, and that is sad. 

 

I hope you can find a way to contact your email provider, and block this manipulator from your account.