Being an outsider

[Guest TooSoon]

What made sense when my husband and I bought this house in suburbia only 3 months before his terminal diagnosis of GBM no longer does.  We were one block from the idyllic private school we intended our daughter to attend until 8th grade. We planned to fix it up, room by room, year by year, and put her through college by selling it. 

 

None of that came to pass.  And I am a visitor in suburbia.  I not only hate it but spent most of my life trying to steer clear of it.  It worked with Scott but it is SO NOT working now.

 

But I still live here.  I'm happy in lots of ways.  I'm in a good relationship with a (good god he would have to be) kind and patient man but he lives on another continent.  I still have this house.  I hate it, honestly.  And it is a great house - one we bought for the entertaining we never got to do.  I'm so conflicted.  Wait until A and I find our arrangement (and I think we will soon) or get the hell away from this house that makes not only me but also my sweet child sad.  Its just sad and lonely here.

 

I want to know if moving propelled anyone past that and into something more positive.  I want to hear your stories about what you did with "that" house. 

 

Thanks in advance.

[anniegirl]

Sold it. Moved to another country to remarry.

 

Had I not met my husband though, I still would have sold it. That house's days were numbered as surely as my LH's were after the diagnosis.

 

You don't owe that house anything.

[Trying]

Sold it and only moved across town but it was the best decision for me and my kids.  That life no longer exists.  Our memories came with us, that's all we need.

[BrokenHeart2]

DH and I built this beautiful home at the lake and I feel like I can't imagine moving but I can't imagine staying here. TS I feel you dicotamy. I'm ready to move. I need to change my life in a new direction because I feel like staying here is not good for me any longer even though it heart wrenching to do so.  I hope you find a good answer to your situation. Hugs.

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, friend.  I know that suburban life just isn't you.  I will keep positive thoughts that life can come together in a way that you are happy no matter what shack you live in.

 

Maureen

[SimiRed]

Hugs, I can honestly say that I would have probably moved out of my house that late DH and I had.  Yes, I moved into a stupid, bad situation.  That's history...

 

But, even if that hadn't have happened, I would have moved.  If I look back, that life was full of what "we" made it, of the friends "we" had.  It was a wonderful home that we had built together, I loved that house.  But it would not have been a "home" without the reasons why is was one to begin with. 

 

The home I'm in now is home for who I am now.  That makes me happy. 

 

Don't be a "visitor" in your own home, it's uncomfortable and makes you both sad.  If better arrangements with "A" is coming soon, then sure...hold out, but if it's not as soon as you want it to be, look for something that makes you feel good about where you are putting your feet everyday. 

 

It was not easy letting go of our home, heck no... but it was also not the hardest thing I ever had to do. 

 

Hugs!

[IfIonlycould]

We had just bought a new house to fix up and sell in a few years to make a little money (had done it before).  He died.  I was left with the fixer upper and no fix it man, the market was a bust.  I remembered everything he had taught me and did what is called a soft flip on the house and sold it one year later and broke even.  Thank God.  I have moved 4 more times since then from rentals to houses I purchase and fix and sell.  The one I am in right now is a purchase,  I have done a complete gut to it.  Handy DH taught me well.

In the process I have slowly evolved the furniture letting go of alot of what was ours.  The size of houses and amount of furniture that worked for us no longer works for me. (And I am in a relationship now for 6 years and he has no interest in home flipping so it is all my gig he just follows where I go!).

What made sense when my husband and I bought this house in suburbia only 3 months before his terminal diagnosis of GBM made a lot of sense. We planned to fix it up, room by room, year by year, and ...... selling it. 

 

None of that came to pass. 

 

 

I want to know if moving propelled anyone past that and into something more positive.  I want to hear your stories about what you did with "that" house. 

 

Thanks in advance.

 

 

Absolutely selling the house we had bought to flip after a few years was a very positive thing for me, even though it meant I had to do it on my timeline which did not allow for the market to come back and I did that first alone at a break even...it propelled me toward the first steps of creating MY life. 

I learned that what I enjoyed doing and was good at (buying/fixing/selling) did not die with him.  I learned to let go of the items in my life that were weighing me down (like the huge dining room table that we had done much happy entertaining at) and holding me in the past, making me sad by their very presence. 

Creating homes that were/are mine has happened 5 times since he died, whether it be a rental or a purchase.  Every time it is a new move there is even more of a shift in me toward MY life and finding my presence in this new life. 

What I would truly love some day is small house with a large garage and a bit of property....all of which he would have not been him (well he didn't care what size the garage was as long as it fit the cars and tools)...but he was so into big house, filled with furniture....and now as I am listening to my true self I am hearing the me before him that never wanted a big house in surbubia but rather was more caught up in being in touch with nature and the land.  (As a side note Ch 2 has no desire for big suburban houses either....it is nice being on the same page). 

[Guest TooSoon]

Thanks so much for all of your responses.  Facing a ridiculous five hour scouting event this evening and i just don't want to.  Where I see myself being happy is somewhere else entirely.  It is true what someone said above - that life is over.  I'm completely ok with that now but in order to fulfill a new life it does seem central that I get out of this house.  I don't want to have to drive to the store.  I don't want an acre of wasted land.  I want my child to grow up where there is true diversity so that she can know what the world really looks like.  I don't want to be the "weird" ones in this homogenous and boring neighborhood where no one has any time for anything but structured, scheduled activities and competitive sports, something I just don't understand.  We just can't be ourselves here - I mean, we can and we are but we're outsiders.  I've tried; I really have.  But it hasn't worked.  I've made no headway as a suburban mom.  No one buys it, least of all me.  Even my problematic mother can acknowledge it now.  It just is not going to work.

 

My problem is doubly complex because of an intercontinental relationship to which I am wholly committed but for which bridging the distance issue remains inconclusive.  That is made still more complex for me because I have a good job.  One that is stable and secure and that (on good days) I really love.  It is not a job that I can replicate elsewhere as I've been in it for a long time and lateral moves in my field are virtually unheard of.  So in the ultimate cluster conundrum I'm pulled back and forth between the security of a job that also has me tied down and stuck.  So there are all of these factors and I run them through my head again and again and come up empty.  Paralysis.  I am sick of being unable to make a choice but it does seem like moving might be a smart jump start.  I'm not grieving actively anymore and I haven't been in a long time.  Maybe I took the "don't make any big decisions" advice too seriously and I should just go and do it.  This feeling of everything being on hold is old and tiresome now.  Winter is coming and the thought of it scares the hell out of me - I shouldn't be feeling that way anymore.  It's like I'm torturing myself by staying here. 

 

We used to live in town.  It would add 20 minutes to my commute but I've been thinking more and more about moving back to my old neighborhood, the place where we started out and where we were happy before any of this insanity began and where I still have "neighbors" who are my friends.  I haven't lived there for 5 years and they're still my neighbors.

 

Argh!  What a gift and what a curse this job I have.  And what an irony - I am so lucky to have it yet it is holding me back.  Double argh! 

 

Thanks for letting me get some of this out.  I'm pretty tangled up right now.   

[Trying]

I just wanted to add that as soon as I made the decision to move I suddenly was able to make decisions about my career and went back to school to work towards that change within weeks of moving. For me, committing to the first decision made others easier and more clear.

[IfIonlycould]

TS-Can you find a place to rent in the old neighborhood?  Sell the house you are in and go to the place that feels like home to you.  If that doesn't feel right you have not made the commitment to buy, also it would allow flexibility in figuring out what you and Ch 2 are going to do (I realize when I have read your posts reg. this how lucky I am that my Ch 2 and I are from the same area and I don't have that extra confusion...this is all confusing enough, no wonder you say you feel tangled up ...argh!).  Do the extra commute for now, maybe the joy of being in the place you feel you belong on the homefront will be well worth the extra commute.  You do not have to make ONE big decision,  just begin the steps toward what you think you want,  that is truly the only way to find out what you want.  I shared my long story with you to show you that for me it was not a one move process that began and ended my journey in my new life,  it is an ongoing thing.  Like Trying I too have started a new career as well and like her too that first decision has made others easier and more clear.  I do understand what it feels like when you say you feel like an outsider,  I am still in the process of moving towards my physical place that will fit my true self, which for me it does need to be done in steps. 

[Sugarbell]

Yes! If you stay in the area for work...it sounds like you definitely need a new neighborhood/house!

 

I complain about Stepford...but my neighborhood has always made Stepford bearable. We aren't fancy...and we have young families, old people, divorced, widowed, blue and white collar workers. I could move to another neighborhood and be absolutely miserable because we have several like you just described.

 

And I agree...you can always rent until you figure everything out.

[Mizpah]

My situation is very different, but I think the feelings in essence are the same kinda thing. 

 

I grew up in a rural area, knowing from a very very very early age I did not belong and didn't want to be there.  I went to college in Boston and then moved to NYC where I went to law school and started my career (and met and lost DH).  I was away from "home" for almost 20 years when I met a man from my general hometown area and we got involved and then became pregnant.  I wanted a big change, and moved "home" to be with him and raise our daughter together (he has a son and isn't mobile and hates the City and wouldn't ever move there - would barely visit).  So I'm living in a very rural area and do not belong.  I put "home" in quotes because while I might be from here, I consider NYC my soul's home, my real home, and the place I lived longest by choice. 

 

It is so hard to be in a place where you don't want to be and where you don't feel you fit in.  I have reasons to be here that make it worth it (raising my daughter with her father, giving her an outdoorsy growing-up, being with him), but for ME (rather than my situation), it's lonely, hard and not comfortable.  If I had freedom, I would leave.  I gladly give up the freedom for her and for our family, but only for that. 

 

If, Gd forbid, I lost her father, I would not stay. 

[Lmsmdm]

Ktown would welcome you with open arms....just sayin!!!

[Guest TooSoon]

I knew it was only a matter of time before you made that suggestion......love the Kutz but belong more in the city of brotherly love.  xx

 

[luvmy2babies]

I'm late to this thread; but we moved in March and I have been so much happier.  We actually spent our first night in the new house on the 5th anniversary of dh's death.  Not planned I assure you.  We were delayed a week due to weather issues.

 

As to the other house we shared with dh, I let it go.  Honestly as dh?s health deteriorated and seeing how he handled things, I had a strong feeling that if/when he passed he would do so at home.  I knew or thought I knew that if that happened, I?d move immediately to escape the memories.  What I didn?t know was that he left his $200K plus in life insurance to other family.  I couldn?t afford to move when he died.  I had just had a baby and had a job through a  temp agency. 

 

Staying wasn?t any easier.  My name was on the deed; but the mortgage was in dh?s name only, and along with keeping that house, I was also trying to keep my promise to dh by keeping our daughter in private school despite her being diagnosed with Dyslexia and having to pay for all of her help out of pocket along with having our other child in daycare. 

 

At the same time trying to fix the house up as it had no attention in the years we were together unless something broke because dh?s illness was always the center of our lives.  Sometimes I struggled with the payment, and when I did, there was no talking to the mortgage company about it due to my name not being on the loan.  Then tax time would come and I?d catch it up; but the cycle continued.  Every time I sent the paperwork in to take care of that name issue, it somehow got lost.  I'm now seeing that as a blessing in disguise.

 

I eventually took my daughter out of that private school.  Nothing exploded.  That same year my son began his last year of preschool.  Rules being what they are, I realized this would be the last year I could claim the kids on my taxes because with them both being in public school, SS  would be covering over half their expenses.  I had been on a permanent job for 3 years; so instead of taking this year?s refund to catch up the mortgage and do some house repair, we moved. 

 

I had begun to work with an investor who buys homes ?as/is? even if the mortgage is behind; but that was also complicated by the loan not being in my name.  He couldn?t guarantee me he?d buy it even if I managed to get that taken care of; so I thanked him for his time, consulted with several attorneys to confirm a foreclosure would not affect my credit (which had already suffered plenty since dh?s death) and let the house go back to the bank.  I moved the children and me to a small townhome not far from the old house. 

 

It was a little rough moving after so long and it was not easy waiting on the foreclosure to go through; but I?m more than happy about the decision.  That house was draining me mentally and physically as much as financially.  I told myself if me keeping the house was that important to dh, he would have done something to make sure I could do so.  Three people moved into new homes and got new vehicles with dh's insurance money including his ex (financed by my stepdaughter).  I was more than done struggling with that house by the time I finally moved.  The payment is about the same; but the utillities are way way less.  I wish I could have done it sooner.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Where do you imagine living, and how do you imagine that to be (question mark - which is not working right now)

 

I moved roughly 25 times after - from our beautiful, artisan crafted marital home to many beautiful locales and abodes thereafter - I was trying to feel safe, but safety eluded me - even when I finally moved to the remote north, those demons still chased me down.

 

Ultimately it is true for me that home is where the heart is. But it is different for everyone - if you get a gut feeling of warmth and a sense of promise with a new locale, then maybe that is true for you (question mark)