Guest TooSoon Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 There are a lot of things about my life that are very good now. I am grateful for them but the direction they are taking is inconclusive so I have to keep pursuing the career trajectory I had in place before "it" happened. I'm going up for promotion to professor, the last promotion you can get where I work. I've been writing the application for three moths and it is due on Monday. I can't bring the past 5 years up. I've written it like it never happened to us. It has been such a trial for me. It feels somewhere between betrayal, lying and pretending which is not my way. I'm pretty flattened by it. I don't like it but I know I have to do it this way. I don't care as much about the promotion itself as I do about meeting deadlines, that was the challenge I set for myself but it has been very hard for me to write a story of the last 6 years of my professional life without once acknowledging what happened. I'm so tired and spent from this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoKindaDancer Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Ts - I want to be sure I understand your point of view...do you feel like you shouldn't include this portion of your personal life because that wouldn't be professional in the application OR that it's too difficult for you to write about it? Either way, do what is the right thing for you. You know what that is. Get it done on time and be proud of the product you're submitting. You got this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You have come this far, TooSoon...and I know you want this. I know this means more than you seem to be willing to admit here, but yes, it does dredge up some of the worst times. I'm thinking of you... Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I can't and won't mention it because it makes me look weak. But it has been so hard to write this 20 page narrative in which I must pretend Scott never got sick, like it never even happened!, that there were not lost semesters when it was desperate, that perhaps that is why I am professionally behind my peers, that I never had what I'd now classify as a nervous breakdown. Because I cannot mention them I cannot highlight how far I've come and that I did it. A woman, alone. I still do it mostly alone. I had to write a narrative of only my professional accomplishments, and they, in spite of it all, are many, but that's just it - I cant mention the three fucked up years when I wasn't highly productive like my colleagues because my husband had brain cancer and died. I guess that's what I was trying to say. I know it has to be this way but it hurts I want to scream in my promotion application that I managed to accomplish all I've accomplished in spite of it all and how dare you position yourself to judge what I have or have not accomplished if you get to elide all of what happened because I cannot write about how I was a caregiver and how now I am the sole bread-winner and manager of the life of a small child whose life was wrecked by her Dad's death. I'm so sorry. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this stuff here. I am lucky in that I have a good, stable career. But it is one serious cluster for me. Monday I will submit the application. I want the promotion. My kid's college tuition depends on it. But for now, just meeting the deadline with a solid argument is the best I have to give. It has just been hard. That's all. I learned a long time ago not to feel things too much any more. It is just paperwork, others' hang-ups and not my self-worth in the end. It really is a cluster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I'm sorry this is hard for you. Why wouldn't it be? I didn't tell anyone that my dh had died when I started college less than two months after his accident. I couldn't, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me or influence my teachers to go easier on me. It was well into the second semester when I finally mentioned it. I'm happy I waited but it's such a relief to be able to talk about it now. But at times I thought " this isn't fair. They should know how hard I'm working for this, and what I'm going through on a daily basis now that my life has been turned upside down" and I did work my ass off, as you have too. And not to sound conceited, but I'm damn proud of myself, and you should be too. I get where you are coming from, and professionally it might not be good to mention it in the application. Your accomplishments are amazing, given what you've went through, but would still be amazing even if all this had not happened! You are lucky to have a stable career, but you've also worked hard at it to get to where you are. Wishing you peace! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Yeah, it'd be like writing an abridged version of Jane Eyre and leaving Mr. Rochester out. Every year-end performance review for the last 5 years I have been like a deer in headlights. Work-related achievements/results? Somehow I've been able to generate a good list but what I want to say is I survived another year, I am still standing, this is me performing beyond my wildest expectations. Keep going- write the heck out of that thing and good luck. It sounds like the 20-page narrative needs a secret subversive sub-title like "Winged Victory: A Lesson in Resilience for you MoFos". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I can only imagine how difficult it would be to write a professional narrative without saying "and I accomplished all of this even though...". It's not that we want to make excuses or have special considerations but to understand the complete picture of who we are it feels important to know where we have come from and what we have come through. My guess is you would not be able to even scratch the surface in 20 pages to describe the challenges you dealt with. The powers that be may never understand that and you're right, your self worth is not in their decision. Wishing you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Tight hugs, my dear friend! I know you are doing a great job. I've never been in your field or position, so perhaps I'm not understanding why you feel including some essence of losing Scott in your submission would make you be seen as weak. I'm not thinking that you would have to share how deeply traumatic it was and fully how it all affected you. They probably couldn't understand the magnitude of all you've managed to accomplish while finding your way through such devastation anyway. But I believe perhaps you could find a way to include it from the perspective of how it has made you a better instructor to your students in expanding your understanding of the impact of personal situations your students may be going through. I know it has made you more sensitive to finding ways to meet your students where they are and providing support to help them reach success. I think this would accomplish two things. First, it would address the progress you yourself have made since the timeframe you were limited in your ability to fully perform your job to the level you would have liked during those tremendously difficult years. Second, it would highlight an important skill you have developed in relating to your students that may be facing challenges, etc.. I personally feel that makes you an even greater asset to your students' success, and hence the college's success as well. As I said, maybe that would be lost upon them. But I don't feel it would reflect as a weakness. While true, they wouldn't understand the incredible effort and strength you've shown throughout this journey, I feel your resultant sense of understanding gained is a valuable skill you can use to the benefit of your students. Even if you don't add any of this to your submission, please keep it in mind. You may have (unavoidably) missed out a little on some academic focus during the time period of Scott's illness/death, but the experience has added important tools to your toolbox as a result. It is no small thing. Sending love and tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoKindaDancer Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I like svs' plan. Makes sense to touch base on how your personal life made you better professionally I understand the pride in not wanting to mention the tragedy in your life. I would like to think that your colleagues recall what you have been through and why some years were slower in your professional life. But -- I would imagine that currently they have forgotten because you likely are presenting yourself as a put-together person that is easily getting it all done. And, if they haven't lived it they wouldn't fully understand anyway. At the end, be proud of all of your professional accomplishments and privately you can be proud of your personal ones as well. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Thanks so much for all of your support and positive input; this week is crazier than just this application being due and I'm not sleeping and it all just seemed too much last night. In thinking it over, I am going to stick with my current plan not to bring it into the conversation. I had a glowing 5 year review last year and two people mentioned it in documents that must be submitted with the application. It has just been surreal to have to go back through these last years in so much detail. I haven't done that in a long time, maybe ever, and it just brought it all back to the fore at a time when I need to be focused and positive. Very often my old life seems like a blurred dream - I know I was there and I know what happened but its fuzzy now. This just cracked it wide open for me and though I should have expected it, I didn't see it coming. But thank you again. This community rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torn Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I can only imagine how hard this could have been,rewriting history & feeling like you are forced to leave out such a huge portion. Please know in your heart that by striving on you've accomplished so much. Obviously I didn't know your husband,but lemme say he would have loved you for success Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 While I can only imagine how difficult this all must be for you, I wanted to say that I would agree on focusing solely on your professional accomplishments and achievements, at least when writing your paper. We all know that there are times, when it is best to not mention our losses and all that we have struggled to overcome, no matter how much it may hurt to keep it inside. You know what your struggles have been and what you have had to endure. The people in your life, who truly matter, also know. On the other hand, if you were in an interview, and someone directly asked you why you hadn't done certain things, that might be the appropriate time to be honest and to explain about the loss. That would be the time to discuss how your experiences have made you a better teacher, who is able to connect to your students and help them to work through their individual hardships and struggles. There is nothing easy about any of this, but I would have to agree with Torn that your husband would have been proud of you and would have loved you, all the more, for all that you have managed to achieve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue14 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Thinking tons of good thoughts for you even though I know you got this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Binder goes in tomorrow. I'm completely shattered. This process has brought up every imaginable real and existential issue imaginable. I'm somewhere between wanting to vomit and taking myself to the airport and getting on the first flight to Bali. oxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Hugs...I hope there is a sense of relief after you turn in the binder. Are you even big enough to carry its weight? Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Useless, I expect, but I'm rooting for you! You got this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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