New Friend

[sdarrah1130]

About a month ago, I joined match.com just to see what it was like out there in the dating world.  More for curiosity than anything else.

 

I happened upon a gentleman who's profile pic had a shammrock in it (E was irish and I see shammrocks in weird places) so I thought I would check him out.  Ends up he is a widower for a little over a year.  We started emailing/texting and found we have an incredible amount in common (other than losing spouses).

 

We have been talking/texting and seeing each other for about 3 weeks.  I have extremely strong feelings for him.  So weird. 

 

I am actually having dinner with my MIL on Thursday to discuss the situation and let her know I guess, I am seeing someone.  I am exteremely anxious about this discussion mainly afraid of how she will react.

 

I am all over the place today with thoughts.  Thinking that I am forgetting E, that maybe I am moving too fast, E and NG thoughts intermingle, etc. 

 

Sorry just needed to vent and see if anyone has advice.

 

 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

The only person you have to please is yourself. No one else could know exactly how you're feeling. Without giving advise hoping your MIL will understand. Hooray for You !

[klim]

Just to share my experience. My inlaws were very understanding , crying tears but saying they were happy. I was gentle at first, metioning I needed to socialize and was going out with some people just to get out. Then later I mentioned that I was dating.

[Wheelerswife]

I met my second husband John when I was 6 months out from the loss of my first husband Barry.  I saw my MIL fairly regularly at that point.  John and I connected very quickly and I think my whole demeanor had changed. She and I were talking about 6 weeks after John and I had met.  John and I were long distance at this point, but he was coming to visit again. I told my MIL that I had met someone new and that it was already getting serious.  I think she swallowed hard in surprise, but wished me well.  I asked her if she wanted to meet him when he was visiting.  She declined the offer.  Little did I know that things would continue to progress and I moved half-way across the country a few months later.  MIL and FIL met John about a year after the first invitation.  By then, John and I were married.  MIL liked him.  They had one other opportunity to meet before John died. 

 

I think the key is being sensitive to the feelings and grief of others.  You can't let your MIL dictate how you move forward, but respectfully telling her what is happening might go a long way in helping maintain a friendly relationship with her if that is what is important to you.

 

Maureen

[Trying]

I can offer no advice but am so impressed that you are talking to your MIL from the start. I think my MIL knows about NG but we've never talked about him. My FIL knows (and even met him briefly at my sons football game) and was very sweet about it. I know I need to talk to her but I hate the idea of upsetting her in any way. She's not the most reasonable person though in general she is very supportive of me. 

 

Of course you don't have to please anyone but yourself but the fact that you are sensitive to her feelings says you are a very caring person. Good luck!

[Justin]

I knew at 4 months out that Jess was more than just a friend to me. I floated trial balloons with DW's sister and brother before taking to her parents. Everyone was "cautiously optimistic" at that point; they knew me as a son and brother and didn't want me to be hurt at just a few short months out.

 

DW's aunt was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 27. Her widower stopped bringing the kids around to see his late wife's family. I know that some of that residual fear played a role in their refrain of "don't forget about us when you move to Arizona". They were hurt then, and don't want to be hurt again.

 

At this point, Jess has met most of DD's family and some of my mine. Everyone seems genuinely happy for us and absolutely loves her! I can't wait until we all get together this Thanksgiving!

[Mizpah]

My in-laws were amazing, way before I ever met anyone, about me finding someone.  They were ready way before I was.  At about three months out, they had "a talk" with me where they told me they want someone to take care of me when I'm sick, and they want to dance at my wedding.  I became hysterical, and ended up sitting on the floor, sobbing, with my head on my MIL's knee.  So it's different - they broached the subject.  I had to tell them, though, that I was pregnant and moving hundreds of miles away and was terrified, but they were surprisingly extremely supportive. 

 

My only advice, as someone who took things WAY too fast (with a widower) - take the time to truly get to know this person fully, to see their "true colors" under all kinds of circumstances, including stress, including arguments/discussions.  I was bowled over by the fact that I had feelings for someone again, and had never expected to.  Being infatuated and in love can create attachment before it's been vetted by your best interests.  Is it possible to find some balance between allowing yourself excitement and good feelings, and being cautious?  I don't know.  It doesn't seem to be, for me.  I hope it is for others. 

 

I'm excited for you!

[Neverthesame]

Sdarrah,

 

I really don?t think you have to worry about forgetting E. I?m 9 years out and I remarried a couple of years ago. I still remember every single day that I?m widowed. I?m happy now, so it?s not the sad, longing type of memory that I had in the early days; but I still remember none the less.  I guess that?s why I still come here and read.

 

As far as in-laws, I?m sure things differ from family to family. My FIL was widowed so he understood what it was like to be alone. He made it known very early that he was all for me finding someone. When I finally did start to date someone, he and the rest of the family (2 BILs and 2 SILs) accepted her as part of the family. When we married they came to the wedding. To this day we still go to the monthly family dinners and the holiday parties that my in-laws have. However, my wife is also widowed and her SILs have chosen to distance themselves from her since she has remarried. I guess it just depends on the personality of your in-laws as to how they will react.

 

I hope things go well for you. As things progress, take your time and think about what you?re looking for and what you want out of a relationship.

 

Bill