Lost my wife 2 weeks ago.

[br0peth]

I found this website while reading Reddit and was recommended to come here and share.

 

Tragically, my wife of  16 years (24 together) died last week. She had a seizure in the middle of the night that caused her heart to stop. I tried to breathe for her but was unsure the extent of what was happening as she never had a seizure in her life, cops were here in minutes and performed CPR. Ambulance came and they took her away. 4 days later she was pronounced brain dead and I removed her off the breathing machine. She was gone in a minute. I knew the machine was only keeping her alive, I knew my wife died in the room with me that night. She was also a breast cancer survivor for 5 years. We have a 9 year old and 6 year old that seem to be taking ok. They miss momma. I miss her too every second.

 

I now feel that I cant move on. I know I am still in the beginnings of grief.  The companionship is what I miss. He hugs, kisses and everything else. She was my best friend.

 

I have had some extreme guilt wash over me this past week. I guess we all go through it when we grieve. What more could I have done? What signs were in place that I missed? I protected my wife for a long time and still feel the guilt that I must some how failed her this time. I know now that that it wasn't up to me that night. The trauma of that night will live with me forever. My life literally changed with a snap of your finger.  We had so many plans. 

 

Maybe I'm just typing to no one. I'm just trying to talk.  The depression has sunk in and really feeling it.  I know I don't have a unique story.  I'm hoping to share similar experiences with someone.

 

Thanks to anyone who responds. 

 

 

[Jess]

Hi br0peth, I am so glad you found us, but so sorry you had to look.  My husband also had a seizure when he had never had one before. I tried my best to help until the ambulance came, but felt like I didn't do enough because of how he was punching and kicking. He was breathing when the ambulance came, but went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance and they couldn't bring him back. It was baffling. I too have torn apart every second I can remember for signs I may have missed or ways I could have done better and maybe saved him. At fifteen months out, I do this less but every now and then I still play a sick game of what if.

 

I thought there was no way I could possibly move forward with my life. I didn't know how I would go back to work, pay my bills, or find anything to be happy about. Yet, I have managed all of those things. You will too, but those are thoughts and feelings for later. For now, it is all about the basic needs- drinking water, trying to eat, and sleeping when you can.

 

I want to assure you that when you type here, someone is always listening. Unfortunately, we do get it and are all in this together. Keep sharing as you want or need to.

[twistedmensa]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

As for your story not being unique...it absolutely is. Your experience of it is unique and how you deal with it will be unique. Right now you are in shock. I know immediately after my husband died (metastatic cancer...32 days from diagnosis to death), I was completely dependent on the help of others. I functioned on auto-pilot. Thankfully, I had plenty of friends at the time (several had gone through the same thing in the past year) that helped me limp through the first few weeks.

 

My children were 10 and 17. They each dealt with their loss differently. My son (10) wanted to go back to school within a few days, my daughter (17) has yet to return. At 18 months out, we are still trying to find our way.

 

There are many on this board that are far better than I in their ability to communicate, and their words have brought me great comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone in this journey.

[Virgo]

I'm so sorry for you loss. I hope you find this community as comforting and helpful as I have. The first few months I felt numb. Reading and posting here validated my feelings and made me feel like I wasn?t alone.  ((Hugs))

[br0peth]

Thank you for sharing.  Its a completely surreal experience.  The crying washing over me like waves on a beach is relentless at times.

My love of music has been helping a lot.  The loneliness that has presented itself at night and in the morning is heart breaking.  I ache.

 

I find comfort reading peoples posts that I'm sure I will get stronger as the time goes.  In the mean time, this just completely sucks.

 

I miss her so much.

 

[Quixote]

Nothing to say, other than it's the worst thing in the world.  I've found that reading and posting here helps, it's an understanding bunch.  Hope it does the same for you.

[phil]

so sorry friend, you have found a group of lovelly peaple hear, i can relate to  your feelings,  i was told take it hour by hour and now i take day by day, and it has helped alot, the guilt and waves of hurt, grief crushes me ,  exspecially the nights / mornings, in the hospital  they turned the venterlator of as well like you it took a minute or so and , its fuxxxd me up , its trurmatizing ,,keep posting friend

[Jen]

OH, hugs, hugs. I'm so, so sorry. The what ifs will eat you alive. I'm a nurse, I should have known that my LH was waving multiple red flags in terms of risk for the pulmonary embolism that took him one afternoon, but it never occurred to me to even suggest he take a daily aspirin. He turned 40 on Monday and was gone on Thursday, and I've spent the last 19 months beating myself mercilessly for failing to rescue, failing to notice, failing to protect, failing to advocate. It's what I do for a living, but I couldn't do it for him. Honestly... I will never forgive myself, even though I know he would never want me to exist in this misery.

 

Please keep talking. The road through hell is dark, but the company is incredible. More hugs to you.

[Mizpah]

You're certainly not typing to no one - we've all been where you've been.  Beginning stages, completely overwhelmed, the crushing unbearable raw pain.  I lost my DH in a car accident (he was a pedestrian on a sidewalk) and he had brain injuries - like you, I knew when he was gone, and it was very early, though the post-incident ordeal lasted a few days, like you.  The sadness and guilt and lost feeling, all of it, contradictory feelings, it's all normal.  We're each grieving totally different individuals and totally different death circumstances, but there are many things we can all relate to, and we're all with you in spirit.  I'm 4+ years out and things still feel surreal a lot of the time.  You WILL feel better with time, more able to live with this, you will rebuild some semblance of a life, you will have good feelings again, but it doesn't help right now (I didn't even WANT to feel any good feelings ever again in the beginning).  Right now you just have to experience grief, mourning, pain, loneliness, missing her.  We're here for you. 

[w1d0w3r]

I lost my wife instantly, as you did; it's only been 4 months and it feels like four years. I'm so sorry. I can completely relate.

 

The pain is so hard and while I can't say anything to help, I can tell you that you're not alone. It helped me to talk about her, to talk TO her (as crazy as that must have sounded) - if only to say the goodbye I never had the chance to say.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that the strength of my grief for her is a reflection of the strength of my love for her. It somehow helps me hold on and keep breathing.

 

We're here for you.

[br0peth]

Thank you everyone.  I cant stop thinking about her. 

 

How I wish for my old life back.

 

[Prov31cadet]

I am very sorry that you are going through this. It is a horrible feeling. I know that you are at a very hard time right now. The whirlwind of everything has slowed down a bit, and you feel like you can't catch your breath. I am glad that you have those precious children to get up for everyday. That helped me make it through the day. One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, is how you have to take it. You will get through it! Hang on to the memories, and talk about her often. It is lonely, but know we are here to support you.

[Losttogether]

Sorry you are going through this.  The beginning is all unbelievable and surreal.  Maybe the surrealness never really goes....  I lost my husband when he was 37 to brain cancer.  I know seizures well.  My kids are 7 and 9 and miss their dad every day.  Sometimes life deals really unfair blows.  I hope you can find some peace with the group here.  There are lots of great people who listen, cry to and make you laugh on the days when you need it most.

Hugs.

[lcoxwell]

I don't drop in as often, as I one-time did, so I sometimes miss the opportunity to welcome new people. If I am a little late on this, I apologize.

 

I am so very sorry that you have a reason to be here with us, but you are welcome here. Here, you will find some of the finest people, you will ever have the privilege to know. No matter what you are going through, you will find great wisdom and support here. Come here as often as you need. There will be someone here, who is willing to "listen" and understand. Some advice that was given to me early on, was to take care of yourself, as best you can. Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time, if you have to. Only worry about those things that absolutely must be done, and save the rest for later. Most of all, just breathe. It may not feel like it now, but you will manage to make it through one day, and then the next; because life will go on, whether you want it to, or not. (((Hugs)))

[Torn]

Man I hate this for you.

 

  I'm at the year & half Mark and I catch myself often thinking "what if".

  My wife was a stage 3 breast cancer survivor of 10 years at the point she passed.

    I could lay out every second from the moment I woke up until I was told she had under 20 percent brain function.

    I'll save you the cliche sentiment & just know, as much as we all loved our spouces,unfortunately it was their time to move on .

    You hold onto your spirit & please know reading others post,helps when your ready.

Keep your head up

[Neil2477]

Hello br0peth

 

So sorry for your loss my friend ,

Sadly I am in the same situation as you and I feel your pain ,

My Lynn passed away also some weeks ago and I fully understand your issues and the endless questions rolling around in your head and Heart

My story is that on the 4th November I had been out shopping etc and returned home to find my lynn had passed away whilst I was out ! I knew instantly that She had already gone but franticly tried to get her back ! All the while knowing it was too late , I had to go through the whole CPR process till the Ambulance arrived but Knew that She had gone

Lynn had COPD but died of Undiagnosed Severe Bronchial pneumonia ! Anger with a failed system doesnt even touch the sides !

I am now 6 weeks along and staring down the Barrel of Xmas here in the house with Our 12 year old son , and dreading everyday .

Since joining this forum last night I have realised that there ae indeed so many tragic storys and experiences but we can all help eachother get through and Live our lives but will ALWAYS Cherish and Love the happy memorys

 

Keep on Living my friends your Loved ones would NOT want to see you despair and spiral !

 

All the Best my friends