Your own mortality

[Guest Damiansinc]

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[Virgo]

This is always in the back of my mind too. Unfortunately my daughters have voiced the same thoughts. My husband had acute lymphoblastic leukemia which is uncommon for adults.  My mother had ALS.  They died within four months of each other.

[momtokam]

Yes, this pops in my mind as well.

I am 3 years + widowed and it's not as much on my mind as before.

My dad died of a heart attack at 47 when i was a young adult. I always thought I would die before my husband and possibly young. I wasn't sure i would reach 47. When he died before me, in an unexpected accident, it really messed with my head re my mortality. I was 47 and my husband was 49. I then thought I wouldn't reach 49. Crazy thoughts I know.

 

When I became older than both my dad and my husband were at their deaths, it somehow eased my mind a bit.

 

It is normal to think about our mortality, especially when we are the only ones left for our kids.  It scares me to think they could lose me too.

[Carey]

Yes, because I have a brain tumor.  Well, it's not cancerous per se, but it IS inoperable so if the drugs I'm taking to shrink it don't work ... well that possibly IS there , forever in the back of my mind. I found out about it when my husband first left to go to Saudi. He'd been gone about a month and I didn't want to worry him so I never told him or my kids.  Did a short stent on chemo, and the headaches stopped and I stopped therapy. Probably should not have because it's now bigger than ever. So I think about it all the time ;(

[Captains wife]

Interesting post. For some reason, I always thought I'd die at a relatively young-ish age. I don't know why I thought that but never saw myself ageing to 80. Since I am a single mother to a 4 year now I need to be there for him as long as possible now so now I'm paranoid of dying and am often worrying about illness, accidents etc. I am much better about going to the Dr early if anything seems off and I've cut down the risks I take (ie if it's snowing just a bit I won't drive). And admittedly I think there is always something medically wrong with me, especially as we do have some hereditary issues on my mum's side.  It's hard not to be paranoid when our children clearly need us after their initial loss.

[Abitlost]

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[twistedmensa]

To be truthful, I didn't think I would make it to 18, I certainly didn't think I'd make it to 47. But here I am. It worries me that if I die, my kids will be orphans, but I refuse to stop doing the things I love because of a fear of death. I still ride my motorcycle (although I wear a helmet now) and I still scuba dive (although I will probably put off shark diving until my son is self-sufficient). I want to be an example to them to enjoy life, even if there are some risks involved.

 

Be it cancer or a runaway bus, none of us are guaranteed a full life, I might as well enjoy the time I have for as long as I can.

[Guest TooSoon]

I feel a little sheepish saying this as I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past few months, but I also try to "be here now."  Remind myself that its all we've got.  My daughter is forgetting her Dad.  Should anything happen to me I want her to remember me smiling, not crying.  I'm not successful everyday but I'm not sure what solo career parent, grieving or not, actually could be. 

 

To validate your post, yes, I have had the panic, too.  I lost a lot of weight really fast and convinced myself I was dying.  Turns out I just wasn't eating.....grief (preaching to the choir) really can screw with your head.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I had my own mortality thrown directly in my face just weeks after my second husband died.  I developed strange medical symptoms and was found to have a pelvic mass.  I had surgery 6 weeks after my husband died and a couple weeks later I found out that they had found a rare and aggressive cancer.  At that point, I just wished the cancer would take me out of my misery.  Well, my cancer hasn't lived up to its reputation....or at least not yet.  There has been no trace of the beast since surgery and I've since decided that I need to continue trying to live like I don't have cancer.  That is working...except for the few days leading up to my oncology visits, when the feeling of dread emerges again.

 

Maureen

[iloveyoualways]

Just another poster who did not think that I would see life after 18. I suffered from depression and anxiety since about 10 years old. I only got off meds when I met my husband and we started hiking. I started realizing my potential. I wanted to have children since I can remember but I question my desire as I did not want any children of mine to suffer like I had. I decided to have children and give them a better environment. One without psychological abuse.

 

I only started living when I met my husband. No, he was not the one I lived for but started to be proud of myself and confident. He brought out the best in me. Then he died at 34 years young. And brought my world down in an earthquake that we were not prepared for.

 

For many years after his death I was suicidal. But I did not want to leave our young son an orphan. At almost five years I finally don't think about it. But the sadness and isolation remains. But I have also avoided my mammogram which is weird for a hypochondriac like me.

 

It has been interesting reading everyone's experiences and honesty. I really appreciate you all.

[canadiangirl]

Great post, ArtLovingDad.  And yes, I have exactly the same thing happening.  I am not obsessive and not a hypochondriac (although sometimes my GP treats me as such) but heightened awareness of it and any small thing I think is cancer or heart attack until I can rule it out with logic and research.  Really want to live for my small one, but for many years during my husband's battle and for the two years since I have felt that I too was going to die imminently.  The years of crazy stress have taken a big toll on my own physical health so it actually is not an impossibility.  The big lesson from his illness and death was to always take chronic pain seriously and insist on a diagnostic test (my DH went many times and to specialists but they didn't believe him and did not order CT scans until too late). 

[mmg19]

Don't think I'm obsessive but I am concerned about my health and fear not living to get my children raised.  Think this comes when one is the solo parent.  Although I have my will with grandparents as guardians of my children, I so want to get them through college and see them as successful adults.  Perhaps this is common with all widowed parents and we just cover up that fear in our hearts. 

[ieh21]

Interesting thoughts.

 

I have the opposite attitude. I think that it is so statistically improbable for my children to lose two parents from unrelated causes that I feel pretty protected by probability. Having said that, I do have more fear of flying than I did before, probably because when I am traveling for work, I feel more vulnerable. And I'm a lot more mindful of my health for health reasons, which might also be because I'm now in my 40s.

[hikermom]

I wonder, does anyone have an unrealistic expectation that they will die young as well? My wife died from a very rare condition and she was totally healthy person before. Now whenever I have a back ache or headache the first thought in my mind is I have a terminal illness.

 

Short answer - hell yes. I feel incredibly vulnerable now and frequently think that I need to get through until my daughter is done with college, at least.

 

I try to eat well, drive carefully, etc. But I do worry an inordinate amount about health issues. I know my daughter does as well, even though she doesn't tell me it much. She has made it a point to say "I love you" very deliberately every time she leaves the house, goes to bed, I go for a walk, etc. I hate that she lives with the knowledge that a parent can disappear in the blink of an eye.

 

I almost worry more about a long term illness. DD is only 11 and I have no family nearby. If I were to drop dead, she'd have a place to live with my sister. If I were to get very sick - we'd be screwed.

 

I'd be surprised if we didn't think about this as parents. The best we can do is plan and make sure we have a will with direct instructions re: our children, try to maintain our health proactively, and try to remain present to the every day opportunity to love and cherish our kids (something I lose sight of in the face of adolescence!!!).