Anyone else surprised by the 5 month FREAK OUT!!??!!

[JenM]

Hi, I'm Jen. I lost my husband, best friend, father to my 2 kids (3 & 6) and the love of my life on June 21st which also happened to be Fathers Day this year.  He was killed in a motorcycle accident. Not doing anything crazy as I would have expected, he simply hit a pot hole in the road and lost control. Veering into on coming traffic. Just like that. Something so simple. REALLY!!??? When he has been riding for at least 20 years, raced sport bikes....that's how he goes?? I am sure he's hit many pot holes in his days of riding so why this day would it kill him? I just can't understand it. He would have been 44yrs in August.  I really don't understand it.

So....I was pretty much numb for the summer, thought I was coping but now realize I was just on auto-pilot.....just going through the motions, leading people to think I was "OK". I fooled myself even. I went back to work but that did not last long. I could feel something was different . Something was creeping up on me, this dark cloud. Just after the 5 month mark (November 21) I lost it. Freaked out!! I have not cried this much even the day I heard he was dead. How can this be? I feel panic, despair....like o can't hold on anymore. I'm tired of being "Ok" because I'm not........

[donswife]

I so remember this , I also lost my husband quickly (heart attack)

I was numb and on auto pilot for at least 6 months, got everything done that needed to be done

and then little by little reality was creeping in

like he really isn't coming home ? this can't be true?

that's when the sadness and like you said panic started setting in

I wanted you to know that this has been felt by me and others

I wish it could be easier , I really do

I wish I could say something magical that would stop you from feeling this way

keep writing here and take care

[robunknown]

I was there too Jen. Once it hit me, she wasn't coming back no matter how well I was managing the kids time or keeping my shit together. "There is no time off for good behavior", a post I read said at the time.

I lost myself for about a week then. I just obsessed over memories, like if I remembered hard enough, it would bring her back.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

[canadiangirl]

Hi JenM, sending you courage.  I am 2 years out and yes, I was surprised by it because I was managing quite well for the first 5 months.  I realize now that I was in shock (although my husband died after a long illness- you can never prepare for it) and was numb, and it does wear off, right about where you are.  It is normal.  I know that doesn't help.  But as stated above, you are not alone. 

[MrsT85]

I lost my husband in a car accident in April of 2013.  I don't know if my "freak out" happened at around 5 months (I don't remember all many specifics of that first year) but I do remember that for the first several months I felt like if I just kept my head down and persevered, that somehow I could get through the pain.  Almost like I'd be rewarded with getting him back or something similarly crazy.  I obviously didn't actually think he could come back, but somehow it just felt like if I made it through those first awful months things could somehow get back to normal.

 

I'll add my voice to the chorus.  You're not alone. 

[DavidsKtBeth]

My husband passed away on June 24th.. I haven't been on here for a while because I felt like I was doing better.. but like you said I have done nothing but cry lately.. November 24th was his 5 month Sadiversary, then Thanksgiving, then the 29th was our would have been our 6 month wedding anniversary, then December 3rd was his birthday, and now it's full blown holiday season.. last year I was mad because we weren't engaged (after 6 years together) and all these stupid lovey dovey diamond/engagement commercials come on and this year I'm mad because he is dead.. it would have been cool to have 1 holiday season where I could laugh in those commercials face and tell them they weren't going to make me jealous!!

 

Okay! I went waaaay off topic lol but I guess I'm just saying I'm there too! I'm finding it harder to work, concentrate at all really.. especially in the car which is scary.  I haven't been able to get him out of my head the past few days.. it's really setting in and I hate it.  It's not fair.  But I do find listening to audiobooks help me wind down a lot at night bc I don't stare at my phone or the tv all night but still got something to keep my mind off this nightmare.  I also decided to go to a personal trainer starting tomorrow.. it's free with my planet fitness pass that I signed up for 2 months ago and only used once.

[Jen]

Hi Jen (from another Jen), my dh passed very suddenly three days after his 40th birthday... he had just picked the kids up from school, threw a clot, and suffered a fatal pulmonary embolism in the living room. I'm still trying to get my brain around it... in 2 days it will be 20 months. That information doesn't help you, I know, but please know that you're not alone. Lots and lots of hugs to you...

[linda5]

I think I had my freak out when I finally realized he really, truly wasn't coming back.  There was a big part of me that thought, okay he died suddenly, but if anybody could come back and cross that divide it would be my husband.  He loved me too much not to argue with God to make sure it happened.  Once I realized he didn't have that power and really wasn't coming back is when I freaked out. 

 

Just hang on.  Your not crazy.  I'm now at 2 3/4 years and I can't say it's easier, but it is something I've learned to live with.  Sending you hugs!

[MegK]

Hi , I have read through the posts and just wanted to say I am sorry for your losses. I lost my husband 5.5 months ago. A few weeks after his death I lost my father too so for me I hit the 5 months freak out at 3 months. I literally just couldn't function anymore , something went off in me that had me crying more than I have cried since my husband died. My GP had to give me something just to calm myself. The last months I have gone through so many emotions. I now get by easier. I no longer feel like I am an observer. I am putting the pieces back together one day at a time.

[canadiangirl]

MegK, I am so sorry for your double loss.

[Helena]

I lost my husband August 12th so 5 months is coming soon. I actually feel worse now than I did a couple of months ago. From the very beginning I have cried a lot and I was never numb so to speak, but by now I have really realized that he is not coming back. Ever. No more kisses. No more conversations. Nothing because he is not coming back. That is a grim wake up and now it?s hitting me hard right in the face.  My brain knew instantly that he was gone but my heart is much slower to comprehend.

[Fran721]

I am a week or so over four months and not doing well at all. How am I suppose to do this? I guess most people in my life assume that I am "over" Houston's death so other people hardly bring it up anymore. I feel like when I am talking about him other people are thinking that I am just doing so to make my grief the spotlight. Maybe it's just my own worry, but I feel like people we weren't close to don't take our relationship seriously since we weren't married. We weren't lucky enough to more time together for marriage and children. How can I be a widow if I never was a wife? And I feel so guilty for even worrying about other people's opinions when my very best friend is gone. Houston never cared about what other people thought and, though he could embarrass me endlessly, I loved that about him. How am I going to live without him? I was doing well but now everything seems so hopeless. Just another night crying in bed, dreading going to my horrible job that I used to love. HE IS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE NEXT ME. He is suppose to be here watching Netflix next to me in bed, petting the dog and laughing at the cat. And tomorrow morning at 6:30, I am suppose to wake him so he can drive me to work and he's suppose to text me throughout the day and tell me how's spending the day since Monday's are one of his days off work. And then he's suppose to pick me up from work and ask me about my day while deciding where we want to get take out from. I use to think about how lucky I was to have met him and to be so deeply in love. None of the doctors ever said he was going to die. He was always going to get better - no one ever told us otherwise. We had plans and dreams and so much hope. I miss him and I feel so badly for him. He was so afraid and I let him down. We couldn't save him. I loved him with my whole heart. I love him with my whole heart. How am I suppose to go on? I feel so guilty for not doing better. I am so numb and so broken. Sorry to rant but I have absolutely no idea what to do. I feel guilty for not replying more to other's posts here but I do not feel like I have much to add when I am such a wreck. So incredibly thankful for this place.

[Helena]

Fran721, it?s completely normal to be a wreck four months along the road. Take day by day or hour by hour and don?t listen to what people say. Grief has no rules or boundaries and we are all individuals. I?m a wreck some days and some days I feel better. I lost my husband in August -15, totally unexpected. It sucks.

I?m so sorry for your loss and big hugs to you. Just keep on posting here and you?ll find support.