:(

[Dark Rose]

I went through some old messages.....it was one of our biggest fantasies. Children, we really wanted to have children. My love had written that one day he would feel our child in me, talk to our baby, tell him how special his mother was. Everything, just everything is over. I am tired of pretending. I want to scream, this just can't be real, I don't have the capacity to accept this.... I am only 23, shoudn't I have gotten my forever? I believed prayer's and good will go a long way? Where have I failed? All I have done is loved my husband and prayed for him, and I am still stuck here without him... My heart is breaking, in ways that are hard to explain. How can one be so lost, and broken and yet stil breathing?

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, DR. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Yes, your husband should still be with you and your dreams you had together should have had a chance to be realized. It is very hard to understand why this has happened to you. It is important to know you haven't failed and this isn't a punishment (although it feels like the worst one ever imposed on someone). I wondered at first if I had done something to deserve this fate or if I hadn't been a good enough person. There are simply too many wonderful, loving people in our community here for it to be true that our loss occurs because of some deficit on our part.

 

I also really remember being incredulous that I could continue to live through such pain - that my body continued to physically function. Somehow we do.

 

Adding more hugs...

[Chrispy89]

When my partner died my friend gave me the "Sad Book" by Michael Rosen.. It's a beautiful picture book and one line says, "I loved him very, very much, but he died anyway." It really resonated with me. Sorry you are going through this. It isn't fair.

[Wife of Tomasz]

Your words speak a pain I unfortunately understand too well. We also never got a chance to have kids, and Tom would have been such a phenomenal dad. His eyes would light up when he was surrounded by little ones, he had such a way with kids. It seemed like our life was just beginning, and now its been torn apart. He deserved sooo much more than that. Like a cruel punishment, and like someone else said "you don't get off for good behavior". You have put it so well  "My heart is breaking, in ways that are hard to explain. How can one be so lost, and broken and yet stil breathing?"

I know its not any help, but you are not alone in this. Hang in there, hugs.

[Dark Rose]

I'm so exhausted. Thanks for the kind encouraging words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. I read them over multiple times. Nothing can change the pain, but to feel understood ....and to in some way know that others feel what I do helps.

 

I hate this. This is so unfair

 

:'(

 

This quote is so true

 

" We hurt so much because we have lost a part of ourselves. If we have loved much, we must have given much also, and when everything's over, we feel as though we have lost everything.”

 

[Mizpah]

This was a very painful aspect of his death for me.  He wanted to be a father so badly and would have been naturally amazing as a dad.  I'm 4+ years out, and this still upsets me - not only that he never got to be a father, but that there's no little piece of him left in this world (not that children ARE their parents, but...). 

 

I am now a mother (my daughter's father is a widower and so she's a double-widow-baby, and somehow the happiest child on earth).  But it doesn't change the fact that he never got to be a father.  I have the opportunity to heal and have another life, but he did not, and it's one of the hard, permanent aspects of this terrible thing.  Their lives were over before they even got to embark on certain major life events.  It's so tragic, and that never changes.  It does get easier to bear somehow, but it never gets less tragic. 

 

I'm thinking of you.  I'm so sorry. 

[Dark Rose]

It's just not fair, the one person I cannot even imagine life without, I am forced to exist without. The one person that I coudn't even see sick, hurting, and now I am being forced to think of him like this... can't even say the words in a complete sentence. I am such an actress, there is nothing in my life anymore. It is so unfair, and just so cruel. No one should have to go through this..

 

Thanks for sharing your study with me Mizpah, it helps me to know that I am not alone in this. I always dreamed of being a mother, but the mother to his child, our child.... and now, that is taken from me. Such a cruel heartbreak my life now is....

 

Afraid of my own thoughts...

[Mizpah]

Before DH, I never wanted children.  My love for him was so big that I wanted to create something that was part him and part me.  After he died, I didn't think I would ever be a mother, and didn't want to have any children that weren't his, deeply regretted not yet having kids with him.  I understand your feelings completely, and if you'd told me back when I was at your timeframe that this would be my life, I'd have thought you were crazy and I would've been enraged.  I've found through my experience that life is full of surprises, ones that are good too.  But that doesn't help you now.  You don't know what your future will bring you to, you just miss the life and the future you had.  One of my widow friends said it best back then, that we hadn't just lost them, but we'd also lost "all of our babies," the ones we hadn't yet had.  Going through these terrible dark thoughts is the only way to ever feel better, I'm sorry to say.  I'm sending you tons of love. 

[Jen]

So many hugs. I wish I had more...