Expect too much ?

[messageinabottle]

I do think us women do tend to make a big to do out of something that we shouldn't sometimes.  We simply think differently than men.  And in this day and age of instant communication we tend to think that there should be more responses to our situations than we would have before a cell phone around and text messages if that makes any sense.  Anyway rambling. but honestly putting myself in your shoes as a woman I would have felt the same way

[Captains wife]

One question I continually ask myself in relation to the initial post is - how much should we expect a new man (or partner) in our lives to support us in our grief ? Lets face it, this doesn't go away quickly and its onset can be rather unexpected and its not rational. Should I expect a man to be more sympathetic and let me cry on his shoulder about my dead husband and the loss of my married life ? I don't know...I think that is asking too much for a lot of men (or women for that matter). The man I am dating is very supportive about me talking about my husband, my "old" life and doesn't feel threatened in any way but he struggles with my grief and cant deal very well. I have also found this in prior dating relationships too. I depend on this Board, my mother and my grief therapist for my grief. Maybe with the "right" person, I wouldn't be asking these questions? I don't know what is realistic to expect another person to deal with. I am almost 3 years out and when I hit a rough patch, its not great, feel depressed, withdraw, cry a lot....much like others on this Board I suspect.

 

I think its great Momtojandj that you can be open with your new guy and talk openly about your grief.

[Lisa]

Im glad you had a good talk and are both willing to work on communication

[Max2507]

I think in any relationship its important to tell the other involved what you need. No one is a mind reader. If you had said I am having a bad day can you check in with me later, would he have? I know sometimes its hard to say what you need because its hard to know what you need.

[anniegirl]

The man I am dating is very supportive about me talking about my husband, my "old" life and doesn't feel threatened in any way but he struggles with my grief and cant deal very well. I have also found this in prior dating relationships too.

 

Just talking and sharing about the past is a fairly common thing that we all do. After all, widowed, divorced or single, we're not like new Barbies and Kens fresh off the shelf.

 

But grieving is tears, missing, hurt, regret that even if the new guy/gal is the most self-confident, grounded and emotionally steady person in the world, they are - over time - going to start to feel not so important. Second.

 

We are all only human. If you are dating someone who seems to you to be channeling a lot of emotions and doing a lot of thinking about the last love - whether that love died or things didn't work out - it can make you doubt yourself. Doubt the relationship. A little or a lot.

 

That's the tricky part of dating/recoupling in the first year or two-ish. There is the unfinished business of grief. Because the constant of grieving winds down with time not effort.

 

Like with our children (those of us who are parents), you can't totally hide the tears. For one, it's not healthy for anybody and two, it would cause more problems that it solved. But there has to be balance and it's the same in relationships.

 

From my personal experience and those I know who've dated/remarried, the new relationship has to be a high priority (if not the priority) if it is going to grow and last. That's how it works.

 

It's a good idea to share when you are having rough days and occasionally the new partner is going to be the shoulder you cry on, but it's also a very good idea to have a friend or family member you can go to so that your new love is your love and not your grief counselor.

 

Both my husband and I are widowed. Initially, we were just LDR friends and we shared a good bit about our struggles but as the relationship changed and then we decided to date - that stopped. In the first couple years of marriage, we tired to be conscious of each others' "dates" but finally, I initiated a discussion about it and we realized that neither of us really like that and that stopped too.

 

I know widowed couples who incorporate the past and present. Successfully. I know of instances where it ruined their marriages.

 

Of the "mixed" couples that I know the past figures only as much as it has to and that usually because of kids.

 

If there was a rule book and no exceptions to the rules ever, this would be easier. But relationships are like snowflakes (to use a very greeting care analogy) and aside from the "snow" part, every one is different enough that any but the most general rules are pointless.

 

It would be terrific if we all started dating when we felt completely grounded and ready but that isn't normally what happens.

 

The rules that do work are the same whether you are widowed or not: Be yourself. Be honest (but not brutally so). Ask for what you want/need. Treat the other person the way you want to be treated. Be kind.

 

I think having expectations is not a bad thing in any type of relationship. Articulating them is where it goes wrong because we don't for whatever reason.

 

Everyone on this thread has shared really great things and has (whether they know it or not) more of an understanding of how this dating thing after widowhood works than not. Dating hasn't changed. Relationships haven't changed. You've changed.

[Hunter]

It is not too much.  I call my lady every day and we talk for two hours.  She lives 2.5 hours away so we only get to see each other every other weekend.  But we are looking at her moving this summer to live with me and Jaydee :-)  When I know she is having a bad day I try to do something a little extra special. 

 

But dont get down on the guy, some of us just get wrapped up in our thing and lose track sometimes...now if it becomes a habit, well.....

[Baylee627]

Your expectation was not outlandish or unattainable. If what you were hoping for was a text or call to check on you after a rough grief session, then that's just hoping for basic mindfulness. You have been dating for seven months or so, after all.

 

DH was exemplary in most ways, but he wasn't the most sensitive man. I didn't try to change that aspect of him because that's just who he was; he wasn't out to hurt me.

 

But, what I did do is tell him from the start that I'm the type who appreciates a call (plus texts, when he was able) every day. Sure, I'd have loved him to have intuited that on his own, but, I figured, why wait to see if he would have or not?

 

He simply said, "Oh, ok," and to his merit, he called me nightly. I don't think you should be demanding, but just being straightforward about what you like, I believe, benefits you both.

 

Baylee