Momtojandj Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I had a really rough Nite Thursday with my grief group, which resulted in a lot of crying and no sleep. I had told guy I'm seeing about it yesterday am, and he did call and we talked . Only thing I had heard from rest of day was a Ty in response to a text about me telling him something. By 11 last night when he hadn't texted, figured he fell asleep early, but then I was mad .. He couldnt take 30 seconds to text and say , hope your day got better? So I called , and told him I was hurt and maybe I expect to much .. He apologized and agreed I was right. Of course I wondered if was right thing , but it bothered me and I couldn't pretend it didn't . I don't want to ever come across as needy , but we have been seeing each other since August , and I said to him when he's in a funk, I worry and check on him , so I don't think I'm asking for too much. Also honestly if it was another day, wouldn't have thought twice about how much I spoke with him . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bear1956 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 "Expect too much ?" In my opinion, yes. (This post might get flamed but it is my opinion. 8) ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OSAAT Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I don't think you expected too much. I have a question, did he agree that you were expecting too much? I was confused about that. I expect a man I am dating to be emotionally available. That is not expecting too much, that is my personal expectation odf a partner. You have to decide your limits. For me, I would want a guy I am dating to care to ask how I am after an emotional day. He knew you were upset, correct? Was he intentionally avoiding you and/or the emotional aspect? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Thanks bear .. No flaming.. I know men aren't as complicated as women. Osaat.. No he agreed that he should have called or texted me and said he was sorry. I agree about emotionally available , I didn't think it was too much for him to worry and check on me. Yes, he knew I was upset , we had talked on phone earlier in day , maybe he thought I was fine .. I wasn't , and yes I could've reached out again to him. Honestly thought just a text to say u ok, day better .. No he wasn't avoiding me, he is honestly busy and think unfortunately he's a guy ( sorry guys) and just didn't have clue. I needed him to know though , i was hurt that he hadn't tried to reach out later in day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bear1956 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Thanks bear .. No flaming.. I know men aren't as complicated as women. BTW, we (men) apologize out of habit, to make the gal happy, and because we hate sleeping alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Bear.. Advise taken .. Feel like maybe I over reacted a tad.. Nothing I can do now .. Ugh lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Momtojandj, maybe you handled it in a way that increased tension but I am in the camp of "speak your mind" when it comes to relationships and what you expect. No one is a mind-reader. People can't know what you need unless you tell them. You told him. Maybe a bit too harshly. But now he knows. So you go on. Relationships are a bit of work in the communication department. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilson Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Men Anonymous Creed I'm a man, But I can change, If I have to, I guess. ~Red Green Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Personally, I feel that the answer to the question, "Expect too much?" really depends on your individual relationship with your significant other, on how often and how well you communicate, and on whether he has been there during times of need before, or not. In some relationships, this would, by no means, be expecting too much. In others, it might be. Only you can truly answer that, though the rest of us might be able to give our opinions. From my perspective, I think it is good that you are comfortable enough with him to communicate that you had a need and that you were hurt. The only way a relationship can grow is for the people involved to be able to share their thoughts and feelings and to be honest with one another. If you think you overreacted or handled it badly, then apologize, and go from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bear1956 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Men Anonymous Creed I'm a man, But I can change, If I have to, I guess. ~Red Green I luv the wisdom of Red Green. 8) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 For what it is worth, you are not expecting too much. Sure, we all screw up sometimes and it sounds like he wasn't being deliberately thoughtless, maybe just clueless. If he was receptive, the more important thing is whether or not he takes that cue and acts on it in the future. Also, I'm with someone I met here a year and a half ago and I guess we've been "together" for about a year but we are not in the same place, not by a long shot. Anyway, our relationship would not work without consistency. That hasn't been a problem but I was so doggedly determined not to be needy (he's got 7 more years into widowhood than I do) that I would just bottle everything up. I've really had to FORCE myself to break that down and tell him what I am feeling and more importantly what I need. Each time I have managed this, whether in person or via email), I have felt such a relief to have unburdened myself. I can't speak for him but I think it is a relief for him, too. Hang in there! I'm rooting for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Thank you all, someone should really take my phone away however when I'm in this funk... Starting second guessing , and sent a quick text to him saying I felt bad for how I came across , I haven't been myself since group and I might have over reacted and I could as well just called Him to say I needed him. Yea , so that was 2 hours ago and nothing back. We did talk this am, but no mention of last night. I might have crossed line to crazy behavior .. Let's see if I hear from him. Argh :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Oo and bear....No comments on the crazy ness that is me lately... Haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest fleur Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Momtojandj, First off, I am sorry you had a rough night and quite honestly there will just be times when we are all more needy than others. No, you were not expecting too much, instead you were expecting what you were needing at the time. Relationships are full of give and take but they don?t work in the long-term if either person?s needs remain unfulfilled. The real question then becomes, is what I need too much for my guy to give? The answer would be yes if your guy was Barney but you are not in a relationship with Barney and it's up to your guy to answer that question for you. Quite honestly, your guy was most likely just in a different mindset than you were and didn?t realise that you needed to hear from him again. It?s a really good thing that you told him though because like AG says, ?No one is a mind-reader.? Now, at least he knows where you stand. Had you not told him how you were feeling, your hurt would have likely surfaced in other ways, most likely passive aggressively, which is not really fair play. I hope your guy could hear what you had to say and cares enough to try and make it better. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bear1956 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Oo and bear....No comments on the crazy ness that is me lately... Haha Repeat after me: "I am responsible for my own happiness." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Well I see both sides....as I woman..no I don't think you expected too much. You've been seeing each other since August-a simple text hoping your day was brighter is not too much to ask in a relationship. However (and hope I don't get flamed) SOME (and not all) men who have never walked the Widda world-are really uncomfortable with certain deep aspects of this journey. You had a bad night and cried at grief group..You told him...SOME men's take on it would be "She needs time to be alone..she misses her husband...I will wait till tomorrow" They (again SOME men and women) just really get uncomfortable with certain aspects of this mess and would rather us work it out on our own or with our peers (fellow wids) Took me a few years to realize this. Men we get involved with aren't grief specialists. You don't know how to handle this journey unless you have been thrown into it like us. Ugh...I know the whole thing can be complicated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Repeat after me: "I am responsible for my own happiness." Bear, I agree ! Thanks for the reminder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Sugarbell, no flaming .. I appreciate all advice. Not sure what is or will happen with this guy , time will tell. I could be wrong , but thinking maybe it's not our time.. Many reasons. We shall see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Im confused as to whether he felt you were right expecting too much or right that he should have texted? Nicely I have to say I dont think it is fair to expect him to be a mind reader. Texting is the bane of the existence of midern relatiojships and dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I definitely don't think it's too much to hope for a quick hey how are you, especially since he knew you were down. But I've been told I'm needy - I HATE this word. I just hope that people (especially those in intimate partnerships of two) would have each other's back and express concern and support always about everything. It's natural and instinctive to me to do these things, and isn't even something I have to think about, it's reflexive. But I'm a woman and come from a really communicative, (overly?) loving family, and my relationship with DH was the most extraordinarily close and happy I've ever witnessed, so I'm spoiled. My current boyfriend has asked me how I'm doing maybe 10 times in the past year and a half, and that includes a pregnancy, half of which we did long distance! I think (some) men just aren't as up in our $hit as we are in theirs - do we care more? Maybe. When I've brought it up, he's so annoyed by the whole thing and always wonders and asks why I don't just bring up what I want to talk about or just tell him how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, how my day was, etc. (I'm not the kind of person who just talks about myself when it's unsolicited.) I do see his point, but I see mine too. A long-winded way of saying I totally get wanting your partner to express concern. I also am very familiar with the opposite of that! Bear, I wish all men would do what you do (apologize) - it's not universal by a long shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robunknown Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I think this boils down to plain old miscommunication, and I blame it on texts. My rule of thumb these days has been when someone I know texts me something (or doesn't text me back) and really torques me up, and I am itching to send them one hell of a response.... I stop, and call them. 99.99% of the time something was lost in the communications and everything is "cool". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I feel for you on this issue - I have read your posts and having similar issues with someone I am dating myself. I think it was ok to tell him you were hurt that he didnt check in. But, to be fair to him, it was kind of him to call you initially and check in - so that is a good sign. The "problem" I have found in this new dating life is getting what you feel you want and need in a relationship is hard if the person isnt "built" that way. I think part of it is that he probably doesnt fully understand how much you were hurting so thought all was ok and he might not have thought he is was being insensitive. I am finding now I am needing more support than maybe in the past in my relationship but I am dating someone who isnt particularly sensitive to this or my needs - and he is a great person in many ways but he doesnt think like I do about situations and he is "tougher" than me emotionally. I think in your case too, maybe he just cant read what you are really needing ? Im sorry that he isnt supporting you like you want, though, that in itself must be frustrating. And please dont "blame" yourself. Relationships are a two way street. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Lisa, to be clear he did agree that I was right he should've checked in. However we had along talk this am, (and I agree texting is evil, I need to start calling when I don't get the text, most times it is miscommunication.) We had a heart to heart, he told me he feels he is always letting me down... My heart broke, I took as much responsibility and told him going forward I will be more clear, like please call me later and check on me or heck I'll just call him. Thanks for everyone support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Managing expectations has, by far, been the most difficult part of my relationship with new guy. He has plain out told me that he is a "simple guy" and if I need something, I have to ask. On the surface, it sounds reasonable, but our hearts are anything but reasonable. I, plain and simple, don't want to ask. If I expect this relationship to work, I have to ask. Can I learn? Maybe, I am trying. But part of me feels like, if I have to ask, somehow, the deed isn't worth as much. Not really coming from a place of wanting to cherish and care for me. But I own that, not him. I am trying to be more direct, and so far, when I am, I get what I need. But I am also learning that for him, it is more like a check list, and once it is checked, that's it. So I might have to ask again. And again... sigh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Hachi: same here. All of it. A huge adjustment from my relationship with DH. And all relationships I've ever been in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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