MrsDan Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I have been seeing someone for a couple months. Things are going well. Shortly after we started dating, he informed me that he is going through a majorly stressful situation involving his daughter. I've been supportive, and he is very understanding about my grief. I think we can relate to each other even more, having both experienced really intense difficulties. I do think his situation affects his emotional availability, a fact that he has acknowledged. He has told me a few times it's hard for him to move too quickly in our relationship because of this very emotional situation he is dealing with. And I told him I absolutely understood. But then he does things that confuse me, because they feel like steps forward that I thought he wasn't ready for. Like being eager for me to meet his parents (which I did, and they are both lovely). Some of it I think stems from a difference in perspective. Like for me, meeting the family is a sign of the relationship becoming more serious. I think for him it's a way to determine if it should get more serious. We both had two days off last week and spent most of that time together. On the first day, we were talking, and he said, "I love you." I asked him to repeat himself, because I wasn't sure I heard correctly. He repeated himself. I asked him if he was sure. Twice. He said he was. He said he'd wanted to tell me the night before, but we were on the phone then. He said it again, when we parted so I could run an errand. However, he backed off from it a bit the next day, he kept telling me he liked me a lot. The day was fine, I met his mom and we had a good time together. But I felt a little confused. So I told him, I was finding him very hard to read, I felt like I was getting mixed messages. He said he understood why I felt that way, that the situation with his daughter is a lot to deal with. I told him I understood, and I do. I understand where he's coming from. I wish I had a better understanding of this from the outset, but it is what it is. But I also reminded him that I am dealing with a big emotional issue too, that while I've been doing a lot better (for lack of a better word) it's still something I very much deal with. Since then he has ended our conversations with I love you. I really don't know that he's there yet, and I don't want him to force it. I think that would be detrimental to our relationship. Basically I don't want him to say it if he's not completely feeling it. Maybe he is and I'm wrong. He has said that he likes that he can be completely genuine with me. But I also worry that maybe he's afraid he'll push me away if he goes too slow. I know he cares for me a great deal, as I do him. There are things we could do to move things forward, like him meeting DD, which we've discussed and plan to make happen soon. I've told Dan's siblings and his best friend, and plan on telling his parents next weekend. I've met a number of his family and friends, but he hasn't met any of mine simply because most of them don't live in the area. But I don't want to jump ahead, and I think exchanging I love yous regularly does that. Then of course there are all the ways in which it's a huge deal to me related to widowhood. Which I've felt somewhat unable to confront, because of my confusion over his actual feelings. I guess that's why I'm posting this here, as opposed to just talking to a friend or my sister. Exchanging I love yous is a big deal as a widow, and yet I feel like I haven't really been able to think about it from that perspective. I'm not particularly seeking advice. I know we need to have a conversation, several conversations, and we do talk openly and honestly about these sorts of things. But it won't happen today, and I'm not sure when it will happen because DD is sick, so I can't get away and don't want him to come over because this would be a really bad time for him to get sick. I guess I just wanted to write this out in order to process it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Sometimes, after a big emotional revelation/feeling, a person needs to step back from it to process what is happening. It doesn't mean one is unsure of saying it, just that they might need to take breaks from the intensity of it all. Or yeah- perhaps trying things on for size to see how it fits/feels. I find, in my own relationship, that things have moved both very quickly and slow as molasses. It's such a strange thing and hard to find words for. I feel like marriage and widowhood have confused my equilibrium in terms of pace that a relationship should take. I am simultaneously very open with my feelings and impossibly closed off. I happily plan for a future with him but also crave solitude and wonder if I'm capable of living with someone ever again. I am, by turns, passionate and ambivalent about my relationship. I have trouble trusting myself. I wonder sometimes if I'm capable of being fully in love, while at the same time feel widowhood has given me a greater understanding and depth to my being in love again. I wish I wasn't such an internal person. I wish I knew how to truly live in the moment and enjoy what is without trying to fuck with it every once in a while. I'm sorry for the hijack- I guess I've got some shit I need to process myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 When he told you "I love you" did you say it back to him? Maybe your response confused him. It should just happen naturally. I would try not to overthink it to much. It sounds like you both see your relationship growing into something more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Love happens slowly for some and quickly for others .It can ebb and flow. The statement "I love you" for some is frought with deep heavy meaning and for others it can be a simple as' I'm feeling good and you are the reason.' NG and I have been dating for about 2 years, the 1st year being slightly interupted( alittle hiatus to reevaluate feelings)I have told my NG "I love you" twice probably about a year apart. First "i love you" was met with" be careful what you say, those are very powerful words" and then he told is that all he could say was he cared for me alot. I backed off with the I love you statements....it wasn't right for him. He put a different importance on those three little words, because when I used them I had meant "i care for you alot" About a year later, caught up in my lovey dovey feelings , I said it a second time. This time he answered "I love you too." As you can guess it meant alot because he doesn't say it casually. That was about two weeks ago. We don't utter it as our parting statement or a greeting but it has been said and it feels good. I think communication is the key...as you said sometimes an action such as meeting family can be interpreted differently by different people. You sound like you realize this and also that emotional drama can even change the intensity of feelings from day to day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Thanks all for your thoughts. We had a long and beneficial talk last night about a number of things. We did go over the fears and issues we each bring to the table. I think it helped us to learn that we have some very similar fears and insecurities. I continued to share more and more about Dan, his addiction and his death. What's funny is that he is so very appreciative of my openness on that subject, while I am continually struck by his willingness to listen to what is very, very difficult subject matter. He continually amazes me with his responses and attitudes towards things, including my husband. I think the big issue may be that we're both so overwhelmed by how good this is. It's so good after so much bad that it's frightening, because it's hard to trust in anything good again. And Virgo, I did respond that I loved him too. And when we said it at the end of our conversation last night, it did feel a lot more natural. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I think the big issue may be that we're both so overwhelmed by how good this is. It's so good after so much bad that it's frightening... THIS makes me so happy to read. You deserve it so thoroughly ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Yes...agreed. Love the latest post : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I think the big issue may be that we're both so overwhelmed by how good this is. It's so good after so much bad that it's frightening... THIS makes me so happy to read. You deserve it so thoroughly ;D I concur! And I know that feeling so very well....enjoy it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 Blessings Mrs Dan. I hope the best for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I love hearing your story. A chapter 2 relationship is not easy for many reasons but can also be incredible because of what we have learned from our experiences. Keep those lines of communication open and enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marian53 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 This is so nice to read, Mrs. Dan! Marian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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