MeNDave Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 First off, I'm so thankful for the folks that started this new board, and for the messages letting me know it was created (you know who you are) Even at two and 1/2 years out, I still feel the slap of friends who fall by the wayside. I checked FB this morning and found out they all got together at the sugar shanty last night (something DH and I, and even just I did yearly). It would be nice to think that maybe they just forgot to call me, but I seen them at the store in the morning. I even asked them how they were doing collecting sap - yet there was no mention of getting together to start boiling. I know that losing DH has changed me - I guess I didn't realize how much. They've been becoming more distant as of late, and I blamed it on the crappy winter. I guess I was wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovedroses Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I am so sorry that happened. Maybe they really did just assume you knew, but it does hurt if you feel like you are on the fringe of things. I just wanted to let you know I hear you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I have finally accepted and gotten over being left out by our 'supposed' to be couple friends. I have written them off. We quickly were replaced with another couple that was never included before DH died. Now I see it as ' it is what is is'. I will not give them anymore of my energy. I know how much it hurts, sorry it happened to you too. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mangomom Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 It stings to be excluded. We all learned that in kindergarten and expected to grow out of it at this age. I spent a long time being bitter. But I slowly realized that I was also a trigger for their grief and that I am no longer the person they think I should be. I have changed and transformed in so many ways that, now that a lot of them are finally coming around and including me, the interaction is completely different and I am bored by their sameness in light of my newness. I cherish the friendships but, kind of like high school, I've moved into the next stage of my life and they were a stepping stone to where I am today. (Btw, this all came with a lot of therapy 😉) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm so sorry. The same thing happened to me. On NYE I was with the two families that still include us and they asked me if I was going to the "King and Queen Bees'" New Years Day party. I knew it was happening and was hoping they wouldn't bring it up. I had to say, "No, we weren't invited." I've gone over it again and again in my mind; I know there was a time I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around but I didn't think this "divorce" was going to be a forever arrangement but evidently it is. I reached out and wrote a letter apologizing but it apparently was insufficient. Like mangomom, I have chosen to accept it and move forward. But it does sting; I absolutely validate your feelings. Big hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Ugh...so sorry. It does sting I know. It seemed to hit me worse around years 2,3 and 4 too. The being left out of oarties I was always invited to when I was married. They would talk about the party (the host) right in front of me too. They don't cover the "social" aspect in widow books about being left out of the "cool kids club" Now...I have different sets of friends...some single.. Some married. What I have found now 7.5 years out...those old friends....bore the hell outta me. I am not bitter and still nice when I have to see them through kids stuff-but I would now rather poke my eyes out with a pencil than spend my rare free time with those people. I outgrew them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 It just plain hurts, I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeNDave Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Thank you all for understanding. After putting my little "pity party for myself" in words, I actually feel better. Although it still stings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 . But I slowly realized that I was also a trigger for their grief and that I am no longer the person they think I should be. This is pretty profound. I also wonder, do they look at us and because we were close to them, tragedy hit closer to home than they are comfortable with and it feels more like, well if it can happen to her it can happen to me? Even my family is this way now. It's like we all became strangers. So I have empathy but no solutions for you ... but heres a hug for good measure lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suki1 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I was surprised at how many people just disappeared. Especially people I thought were good friends. They sent a card or an email at the time and then vanished out of my life. In contrast, more than one person who had previously been an acquaintance wanted to help, and became a friend. And there were a couple of friends who did stick around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I already lost one our best friends last year (he too told me I was a trigger for his grief and that I was holding him back from "moving on") and feel like I'm on the verge of losing my BIL (Tim's younger brother) and his wife, too. I've been living with (and paying rent to them) for a little over a year, and now that I'm getting ready to move into my own apartment with my New Guy, it seems like they want less and less to do with me. I've been feeling for weeks now like they've been trying to distance themselves from me, and last night I ran across a note that they left for their other tenant/housemate that basically confirms my fears. For whatever reason, they don't seem to trust me anymore and if they don't trust me I'm sure they don't actually like me either. I thought they were a couple of my best friends. I thought they were family. They were a link to Tim that I valued so greatly. I've been nothing but a raw, open and honest nerve with them for the better part of two years and I'm deeply deeply hurt by how little they clearly seem to think of me. I came home from several hours of moving bins full of books and CDs last night, exhausted and sore and emotional and saw what my SIL had wrote (they're out of town, so I was upstairs in their part of the house letting their dogs out) and just sat and cried and cried. I'm sure that once I'm out of their house and no longer giving them a monthly rent check, they'll have even less use for me and I'll probably be all but cut out of their life. It's not enough the one person we thought would always be by our side left us forever. It's that even years later, there's still collateral damage and I'm still losing people I love who I thought loved me back. It's something I've been having a really hard time with lately too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Oh Mrs Tim ... that stings. I too lost my husband's whole family but we were nowhere near that close ... at all. I'm so sorry, maybe they feel like you are going to disconnect from them and start a new life so they are "preparing themselves"? like they feel they've lost Tim and now gonna lose you too? Have you tried just telling them how the situation looks to you? Or am I reading it wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Oh Mrs Tim ... that stings. I too lost my husband's whole family but we were nowhere near that close ... at all. I'm so sorry, maybe they feel like you are going to disconnect from them and start a new life so they are "preparing themselves"? like they feel they've lost Tim and now gonna lose you too? Have you tried just telling them how the situation looks to you? Or am I reading it wrong? I'm afraid to talk to them about it, because I don't think I was supposed to see the note I saw. To be clear, I wasn't snooping - it was out on the kitchen counter amongst notes they had left for the other housemate/tenant with instructions of how they wanted him to take care of their dogs. Just over a week ago, I got locked out of the home I share with them with no way to get in (all other gates/doors were chained shut) when the new housemate accidentally reset the keypad to get into the garage. After 15 minutes of trying to get a hold of BIL and his wife (and panicking all the while), one of them finally answered their phone and came out and let me in. Since BIL and his wife are out of town and new housemate would be the only one home, I asked SIL for his number in case something like that happened again. Plus, I was having my parents' come over on Sunday to help me start to move, so I wanted to be able to give him a heads up when they were there. Which would have been helpful for him, I suspect - a barely clothed lady friend of his left the house while my parents and I were in the backyard, so she awkwardly ran into us all. At first SIL said she'd have to check with him to see which number he was comfortable with me having, and then she said she didn't see him before she left for the trip and left him a note with my number. It was this note for him that I found just out on the counter - she told him that she didn't believe the reason I'd asked for his number and thought I had ulterior motives that I don't want to get into here and was trying to go behind their back to talk to him about it. Considering I had actually gotten locked out of the house less than a week before and have not given them one single reason to distrust me the whole time I've lived with them, I'm just incredibly hurt and insulted that they wouldn't just take me at my word and are trying to plant seeds of distrust with the new housemate. It makes me wonder if they only wanted me there for the help on their mortgage, and so now that I'm on my way out they no longer really care about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mokie Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Thank you all for understanding. After putting my little "pity party for myself" in words, I actually feel better. Although it still stings. And that's the beauty of this place... We can have our "pity parties" and feel validated, without having to voice our hurts to the whole world that won't understand. Sometimes you've just gotta have a place to let it out!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Munsen Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 This is sad. But so true. I found that most people don't want the 'new' me around. I can't help that I changed when hubby died. Loss changes us. I understand that I was not the most lovable person around early on but if they'd have practiced some real love (and stuck around instead of bailing on me right away), they would have seen me come out the other side. Yes, I'm different but I prefer to think I'm stronger. More refined. Like steel, I've been purged by the flames and tempered to a brighter, sharper image. My experience has shown me that most people judge us by how they THINK they would have handled our situation. And that those with the LEAST experience in loss, somehow think that they are the experts. As Shakespeare said, "There is none that know a grief like he who does not have it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Big hugs to everyone that has felt left out. It isn't right but for some reason it is something that happens to us way too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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