Melbar Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 In short, here is my situation: We were invited to a birthday party in which they've asked the adults to stay and socialize as well. My husband's son and a couple of other boys were invited to remain and sleep over after the party, but my son who they don't know as well was not. I realize sleepovers have to have limits - my issue is that if you're not going to invite all the boys to do the same thing, that you just ask the parents to do a drop-off, rather than to also come along and then have to make one kid leave and let the other stay. Most moms would get this, right? I told my husband that I was not going and my son and I would find something else to do - and as it turns out, he got invited to another party anyway on the same day. But it will happen again. I know you can't shield your kids from every hurt feeling or unfairness in life (obviously, we here are all widowed), but I don't see any need to put him in the path of hurt feelings deliberately either. Any input? I want to make sure I handle these awkward situations practically. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Is there a significant are gap or they are just getting to know each other? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbar Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 The boys are the same age and have been getting to know mine for a little over a year. Again, my problem isn't with the selectivity at all - in fact, as a mom who has had to keep sleepovers and parties under control, I completely get that. My issue is how it is being handled so that my son will know he was excluded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I totally understand what you are saying. If your stepson was invited to stay over, your son should have been invited to stay also. They've known each other over a year? I would be feeling the same way you did, it would definitely make your son feel excluded, and it would tick me off! I think you handled it well, you and your son will find something to do together and Dad and his son can go to the birthday party. Blended families are so difficult in some situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soloact Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I have no blended family experience so please take this with a pound of salt. Excluding one child of a family seems either thoughtless or cruel. I hope it was thoughtless. Would you be comfortable talking to the adult who issued the invite and explain that all the children are treated equally in your home? Making a polite request that the kids are a package deal may help if it was thoughtlessness. If it's a matter of not enough space for another child it would be better to exclude both children. Sorry that happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I think you should discuss your feelings with your husband. I would want him to stand up for your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbar Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 I have decided to attend the other party he was invited to, at which there will be no ambiguity about whether or not these are his friends. Thank you so much - I needed to know it wasn't just me who would find this unsettling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmy2babies Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I am curious. Was he the only child not invited to stay overnight? Is this a thing where say 10 or 15 children are getting together for the party and say only 5 or 6 are sleeping over? Is it all at one place? All on the same day? Maybe it's just me; but it seems odd. I know there are times when one child in the house will be invited to a party if their circles are different. But in my view, either the party is a sleep over or it isn't, especially if it is all on the same day. I'm considering a few different ways to celebrate my daughter's 13th birthday coming up in April. What she chooses will determine how many people are invited. Dave and Buster's is on the table and if that is chosen, invites will be 10 plus. Dinner at Appleby's followed by a birthday sleepover package at the Embassy Suites is on the table. If that is chosen, it will be limited to 3 girls in addition to her. Great Wolf Lodge is a 3rd choice in which case we'd take one friend. We're not going to go to Dave and Busters with a big group and then exclude 6 or 7 and do a sleepover. And this situation is exactly why. I'm glad you have something else he can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbar Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Yes, this is all one party on the same day. The reason this awkwardness has come about is because this particular mom loves to party, so instead of just throwing a simple sleepover party for her son where the kids are dropped off and all of them stay over, she has asked the adults to come along, and with only one of our boys invited to stay over, this puts us in a really bad position with potential for my son to have a complete meltdown when he realizes we are "making him" leave when the other boys get to stay. And yeah, I would expect more of him if he were 12 - but he's a 9 year-old with ADHD and emotionally, logically I would say he's much closer to 7. So I can try to explain til I'm blue in the face, but he's not going to "get" the ambiguity of being invited, and yet not being invited. Anyway - on a sidenote, your party options sound great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissinGrizz Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 Yes, this is all one party on the same day. The reason this awkwardness has come about is because this particular mom loves to party, so instead of just throwing a simple sleepover party for her son where the kids are dropped off and all of them stay over, she has asked the adults to come along, and with only one of our boys invited to stay over, this puts us in a really bad position with potential for my son to have a complete meltdown when he realizes we are "making him" leave when the other boys get to stay. And yeah, I would expect more of him if he were 12 - but he's a 9 year-old with ADHD and emotionally, logically I would say he's much closer to 7. So I can try to explain til I'm blue in the face, but he's not going to "get" the ambiguity of being invited, and yet not being invited. Anyway - on a sidenote, your party options sound great! You just said he is. 9 year old with ADHD that is more like seven. Could that be part of it? Maybe mom felt he was a bit much to handle? My son and stepson are teens in the same grade, and I made it clear from the beginning that they weren't a package deal. That can lead to resentment between them. Of course, yours are young and this situAtion is a bit odd. I only started the idea that one or two could stay after a larger party after age 12. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbar Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Hi MissinGrizz, They don't know he has ADHD.. he takes medication and has always been well-behaved at gatherings. I think this was simply the habit of only including "those who have gone to school together since kindergarten" which automatically excluded him. As it turned out, the other party he went to was probably a lot more fun! (We have also talked to them about the package deal issue... I felt this was different because of how much he's also played with them for over a year now, and because he was the only one who would've had to leave early. Awkward). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Step issues aside, asking a few kids to stay the night and having the rest go home is just plain fucking rude in my opinion. If you want to do a sleepover and have it more scaled back, do it a different day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbar Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Thank you, MrsDan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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