Trials of Parenting a young adult- sorry it's long

[Trying]

Those of you who have been around awhile have heard about my oldest sons struggles from the beginning but I will give a quick recap.

He was 17 and just starting his senior year in highschool when his Dad died

had to have shoulder surgery in the middle of his swim season senior year, missed out on the glory

Had multiple melt downs at every holiday and special occasion for the first year

Got into college and decided to swim, freaked out when we were going to meet the coach had to reschedule and we ended up in the ER because I was worried he was suicidal

Seemed happy to college, tore his shoulder again and flunked out

Forced him into therapy, did not fully participate

Had surgery again, stayed home for a semester, got a job when shoulder healed

Wanted to return to college, swearing he was in the right mind set

Swore to me all fall he was doing well at school

Flunked out again.

 

So here we are, he's home again and no long term plans.  I made him sign a contract about his responsibilities if he wants to remain in the home and a timeline of taking over his own bills and being charged a small amount for room and board.  He has been putting in applications all over and I gave him until March before he has to start paying for his phone and car insurance/maintenance/gas.  I am giving him no spending money, just the use of the gas card until he gets a job.

 

My heart is broken.  He is obviously depressed, has zero self esteem or ambition, refuses to return to therapy or consider meds.  I have told him repeatedly how much I love him and believe in him and that I will always support him, but not financially.  I know this is his journey and that I can't fix it for him but I go back and forth between sad, angry at him, feeling like I failed him, angry at DH for leaving us.  I'm having trouble telling anyone what's going on, all of my friends kids are doing amazing in college and they brag constantly about them. 

 

I am open to any advice on how to handle this.

 

 

[momtokam]

First, I want to offer big hugs.

This solo parenting sucks the big one!

Feelings of anger and failing I completely understand.

Just know, you have not failed him!

 

Second, stop listening to others about their "perfect" kids/families. They only want you to hear what they want you to hear. You really don't know what is really going on behind closed doors.

 

I don't have a lot of advice but one thing that comes to mind is finding something he is good at or enjoys. Not everyone is cut out for college and it has nothing to do with intelligence.

 

If he was a good swimmer, would he consider getting into coaching swimming? You could look at what clinics and training he might need to do this.  I have a friend who is a swim coach. He is doing very well. He coaches at a private club during the day and also has private clients evenings and weekends.

 

Can you add the condition of therapy and medication, if needed, to your contract of him remaining at home?

 

I wish I could help with more ideas. I find teens these days to be very stressed. My daughter is 17 and has just finished applying to university.

I offer her encouragement, love, and support but she is still stressed. I often feel like it doesn't matter what I offer her, she only sees what she wants to see. It's funny, she tells me that when I tell her to relax more, it stesses her more. I so wish her dad was here to help me navigate all of this and to offer another voice of reason for her to listen to.

 

Big hugs to you.

 

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry things are so hard for you and your family right now. My daughter has been seriously struggling with depression and anxiety recently. It is so scary not knowing exactly what they can handle. I feel completely unqualified to be the one in charge of monitoring her and doing it alone is exhausting mentally and physically, as I have often been afraid to go to sleep.

 

I really wish your son could try therapy and medication. I resisted myself for quite awhile until my Cardiologist insisted that I go, because he couldn't control my pulse rate. He needed to know if it was being impacted by anxiety/stress/depression as he could find no other physical reason. The first med I tried didn't work out as it made my BP too low. I was tempted not to try again, but this med has helped me in many ways. My resting pulse rate lowered about 20 beats within the first 2 weeks of taking the med. It has helped me a little in other ways as well as we've gradually increased the dose.

 

What it hasn't helped at all with is concentration. My Psych explained that both depression and anxiety cause concentration issues, so the combination of both makes it twice as impacted. I have always been a good thinker, picking up things very quickly, etc.. Now my concentration and ability to focus is awful and debilitating. (My son has been worried I am getting dementia). It may be that your son is truly struggling with concentration to the point it is debilitating to him, making concentrating at school on other things very difficult. I had no idea how impacted concentration and thinking could become. If my concentration doesn't improve within the next month or so, he may add in a second med to help with that. The last thing I want is another med, but I will add it if it will help me be able to concentrate and function better.

 

Do you know anyone who has dealt with depression/anxiety that sought successful treatment that might be able to talk to him? I realize it is often not something people talk about and he might feel upset that you talked about it with someone else.

 

Parenting a teen is hard enough when they have a two parent home and haven't had trauma in their young lives. In our situations it is really hard, especially when we are still struggling ourselves. Sending you very tight hugs and love!

[trying2breathe]

Trying  I'm reading your post with tears in my eyes - my 19 y/o DS has suffered w/depression and anxiety for a long time, and my 19 y/o nephew that we thought was doing so well, died last week of suicide.  I'm reluctant to even post these words as the thought of a child that age dying of suicide is beyond anything that I can believe.  I hesitated in writing this post and I hope that this doesn't come across as insensitive, but as I now know the possibility of suicide with kids is very real. 

 

It sounds like you're doing everything that you possibly can for your DS, providing him with love and support and a framework of how to move forward.  Making the decision to try is his responsibility, however I believe that strongly encouraging him towards therapy and medication, like others have said, might be the key to him getting better. My DS resisted medication for a long time, he now takes meds and they are making a tremendous difference in his wellbeing.  It is interesting what SVS says about difficult with concentration along with anxiety & depression - my DS had a difficult time with focus and once an ADD med was added, this was mostly resolved. 

 

Are there group therapy sessions of young men in your area?  Maybe this would be something that he would attend?  Would he feel better about visiting several clinics and making the decision on which to go to? 

 

Oh and about those "stellar" kids - everyone has challenges, some of those parents have their heads in the sand.  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law were two of those bragging parents.   

 

Sending big big hugs to you ~ 

 

 

 

[Portside]

He is obviously depressed, has zero self esteem or ambition, refuses to return to therapy or consider meds.  I have told him repeatedly how much I love him and believe in him and that I will always support him, but not financially.

 

Oh my ? there is so much going on here. The poor guy.

 

Perhaps it would be helpful to concentrate on two main areas: your son?s depression and the loss of his swim/athletic outlets. The other items you mention are important, of course, but most folks can only deal with one or two big things at a time. Perhaps your son feels paralyzed by all that is swirling about him.

 

High performance athletes suffer greatly once they are no longer able to do their event no matter what the cause ? injury, lack of time, available outlets demanding a higher level of performance, etc. This may be contributing to his depression. Do you think it would be helpful to try to steer your son into a new sport or activity? Maybe something low-impact to minimize the stress on his shoulder?  This has the possibility of getting him out of the house and into a new group of athletes where he can form new friendships and develop a new expertise and skill. If he does this, there is a possibility his depression may be somewhat reduced by the exercise and just getting out into the world and re-engaging with others. A skilled coach can design a program for him that he will enjoy. My wife has engaged a trainer to help her out and she has two artificial hips and is in very poor physical health with chronic nerve pain. Even so, she has a program that works for her and contributes greatly to her bright outlook. Perhaps offer to pay for the trainer for your son.

 

The big problem, to me, is his depression. I understand he doesn?t what to do the therapy etc., but it is vital that you (and anyone else you can have help) do all you can to treat this. My late wife suffered from severe depression as part of her bi-polar condition. She rarely allowed me to help with treatments as she refused to sign the HIPA papers necessary such that I could be informed about her progress/treatments by her medical providers. That didn?t stop me from helping where I could. I worked plenty of side deals with her doctors whereby they ?accidently? left her files in front of me or ?dropped? her prescriptions near me. When I had to, I crushed up her meds and hid them in her food. She never knew. The point is, lie, cheat and steal if you have to in order to help your son on his path to recovery. The depression is robbing him of his true personality and ambition.

 

I wish I had more or something definite to offer you other than prayer. I imagine you are tired, worn out, and you often feel defeated regarding this mess.

 

Try to hang in there ? Best wishes always, Mike

 

[mmg19]

You are a good Mom.  Every word you said showed your pain and how much you cared.  I think Portside had some good advice.

[Trying]

Thank you all for your input and support. Oldest son's issues have been the hardest part of this journey for me.  I have worked hard to find ways to help myself with moderate success but my efforts to help him have all failed.  The depression, which for him is expressed with anger and loss of self esteem, is the biggest worry.  He doesn't agree that he's depressed because he is able to laugh and isn't shut up in his bed all day.  I feel very strongly that with the right meds to help put him in balance he would be able to benefit from therapy but he flat out refuses.  He has said if I make it a condition of living at home like I did last year he will leave.  He's working hard at being pleasant but the minute something serious comes up that anger is right there under the surface waiting to boil over.  My 11 year old son seems to be the one bright spot in his life, he loves spending time with him and is a great big brother.

 

I will keep trying to gently get through to him about getting help and he knows if I see any serious warning signs I will force the issue.

[Sugarbell]

Port side nailed it...performance athletes...after high school is over...can crash and suffer from depression.

 

My brother state wrestling champ/homecoming kind/class Vice President...totally crashed and went off the deep end after high school. Reading your post had so many similarities to what my parents went through. 3 times sent to the university-flunked out (but he also got in legal trouble every time).

My parents dealt with the braggarts....and it was rough on them too (my Mom was then still a high school teacher).

 

I hesitate with letting a shrink give him meds. It could be a lifesaver it could make things worse. My brother rejected therapy/meds and ended up getting thrown in psych hospitals probably 8 or 9 times.

 

My Mom has said several times she wished she would have left him at home-sent him to community college and let encourage him to be a volunteer coach with kids in the community. My brother is finally stable now-no meds-works at a gym and helps train clients...Working out he says balances his brain. And the bright spot in his life is my kids. He's great with them. It sounds like your oldest is the same way with your youngest.

Could he volunteer coaching a sport for school age kids? As a way of giving back to the community and in turn it would benefit him too?

No clear cut answers...just going on my limited experience with my brother. He says now it was too much pressure in college-he couldn't handle it. He missed his old life in high school.

Sending you strength and support. I know it's heart wrenching.

[Trying]

He is picking up lifeguarding hours at the high school pool and filling in some coaching but it's not enough

[klim]

Hey Trying (Hugs)

 

Lots of good advice here. Sounds like you are working the right angles.

 

My younger one,now 18, has many of the same issues. Only lasted 3 weeks in his first attempt at uni. Came home in October, tried getting a job, lasted 2 days and quit. He was too stressed. Became depressed, felt like a failure.Has no ambitionand and hardly ever leaves the house.

I did get him on medication for anxiety, because that is really what caused him to quit uni. I also got him to see a therapist( for a while). He didn't think the talk therapy was helping, so we've stopped. I've don't have him on a contract( although that idea does sound interesting)but I do set out weekly goals to help him move on. When he quit uni, his biggest fear was that he would stagnate. I promised him I wouldn't let him. Sometimes I think I'm failing him but I'm not giving up, I keep trying to nudge him to do the next step.....it's hard.

Does cleaning your room weekly and finally learning how to drive sound like forward motion?

 

Anyways I think I'm just commiserating with you.This isn't easy at all.

 

Hopfully some of the advice here will work for you and your son.

 

 

[Trying]

Oh Klim, we have been through so many similar things and it's just so hard.  I really don't know what the right balance is between supporting and pushing or if I am enabling him.  I feel like I've lost all objectivity and confidence in myself to do the right things for him to encourage him and help him get on his feet.  The important thing to me is that he knows I believe in him.  I think giving your son weekly goals is a good idea and we have to set them based on where they are at not where we wish they would be.  I hope within this year we are both reporting some forward momentum for our young men.

[hachi]

Hi Trying,

 

Lots of good advice here. I would only add one thing. If you haven't contacted your local NAMI chapter, you might want to look into their "Family to Family" programs for yourself. It was life-changing for me. It is a bit of a time commitment, but for anyone who has a loved one with depression, bi-polar, OCD, or any other MI, the support and resources are very, very good.

 

 

[Trying]

Thanks Hachi, I will look into that.