I almost broke down at work today

[stuckwonderingwhy]

It was her birthday today. It's the first one I've had to endure since her passing last year. It will be a year this coming March, and I still don't feel like I've moved forward an inch.

 

Once a year at work we have training to cover basic need to know topics. One of these is CPR. The slideshow we were watching showed pictures of people at work that survived, and their families today. They all looked so happy. But we didn't get that happy ending. CPR did not revive her.

 

I kept trying to keep my composure. I tried to hold it in, but when we were given a break I had to leave. I felt like I was going to explode. I just couldn't handle hearing about survival statistics, knowing that she was not part of them.

 

I should be able to sit through a slideshow almost a year later. I'm still waiting for my boss to call and tell me to "get it together". I have no idea if they'll even call. I feel like something like this shouldn't bother me, but I fell apart just thinking about her today.

 

She would have been 28. We were supposed to be married this year. She was supposed to be working on her Masters Degree. We were supposed to be going on a honeymoon, and buying a house. I can't even go see her grave today because it's 3000 miles away.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry.  Too young.  She should be here to celebrate and be celebrated. 

 

Your post struck me because it forced me to recall an incident at work I'd forgotten.  I was in a meeting and we were discussing a colleague's case that involved a pedestrian getting hit by a car (this is how DH died).  The pedestrian had suffered brain injuries (this is also how DH died).  It was within months of him being killed.  They must've forgotten.  They kept calling it a "pedestrian knockdown," and speaking about it so casually and almost flippantly.  I walked out of the meeting.  I was enraged.  Unlike you, I wasn't waiting for any scolding.  I was ready to flip out on someone.  Should you be able to sit through a slideshow almost a year later?  I'd phrase it this way instead: "Why should I have to endure this less than a year later?!"  F them.  You have to sacrifice your emotions and your sanity for a shiny appearance of "all is well" for others' comfort?  F!  That!!!!! 

 

Maybe you should create or designate some kind of special place or memorial where you can find refuge.  I "bought" a bench in our NYC park where we used to sit or take our walks and go for runs and read and have picnics, etc., and had a small memorial plague put on it in his memory.  It doesn't have to be formal like that, but maybe a haven for you, meaningful in some way to the two of you or just to you, in place of a grave....  (I stole soil from his gravesite on one of my visits, so I'd always have his grave with me.)

 

(Those commercials about families and people surviving make me livid too - my boyfriend is a widower.  His fiancee died in a car accident and I get enraged on his behalf.)

 

I hope you find some solace today in some way, or find a way to celebrate her life even in the midst of her painful absence.  I'm so sorry.   

[Helena]

Stuckwonderingwhy, they tried with CPR on my husband for three hours (!) and they couldn?t save him. He probably suffered a widow maker heart attack and it?s very hard to resuscitate someone who has suffered a heart attack like that. The medics treated it like a drowning accident and if it had been "just" a drowning maybe they had got his heart to beat again but in these circumstances -no. He had been under water for 15 minutes so if he had survived, the damages on his heart muscle would have been extensive and he would probably had a brain injury from oxygen deprivation..

 

I have had these feelings that I want to give a person CPR and save them. I couldn?t save my husband but maybe I can save another person? Strange I know.

 

I hope you can find some peace ahead. Big hugs and we are all here if you want to vent.

[Helena]

I also want to say that grief is very individual. Some people can "move on" after a couple of months but most of us can?t.

I think your grief is completely normal. If you are suffering a lot maybe you can find a grief consellor that will help you on your way.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thanks for the kind words you two.

 

I'm doing better today. It just seems like every time I start to inch forward, days like this suck me back into the pit. I keep trying to reach out and I just keep falling flat.

[Amor]

I am so sorry the survival cpr stories brought you so much pain. It is ok to walk out and have moments of grief in a calm place. I know it hurts me too. I was not able to save my love but was able to save many peoples lives before and after him. This is a blessing i can still save people but the guilt of not saving him hurt so much more than i can ever convey.

It is ok to miss your love and have times when you see, hear, smell that brings back the pain. Be ok with that fact you still care enough to miss them in whichever way you respond with painful memories. Other people may niot understand this is your grief. Deal with these moments your own way and in your own time frame.

I am so sorry she was not able to be here with you forever!

Amor

[Jen]

((((HUGS))))

 

I still have meltdowns at work. Not long ago, we had a mandatory learning module on recognizing and treating pulmonary embolism (what killed my Jim). I couldn't do it-- I had a panic attack when I tried to go through the PowerPoint. My manager took pity on me and marked it as complete for me. It's been almost two years, and whenever I see one of those stupid commercials for antiembolitic drugs I want to throw something at the TV. Why did Arnold Palmer and Kevin Nealon get to survive, when my Jim died? IT'S NOT FAIR.

 

Anyway. It is what it is, sigh... ((((((((HUGS))))))) Hoping we all find some peace...