Feel like I'm full of fail

[MissingSquish]

I've been attempting to date for over 3 years now. I had one longer term boyfriend, but I broke up with him this past April. I didn't love him (though I thought I did), and our schedules were completely incompatible.

 

I've been on 2 dates a month for the past 6 months, and all of them have been bad, in one way or another. I can't make any real connection with anyone I've tried to date. I feel like I exist on another planet different from the rest of the population.

 

I see so many wids that have the same timeline as me as being recoupled and in fabulous relationships. I'd like a great relationship again, but it isn't happening for me. I'm starting to think that being single and celibate is just easier.

[Trying]

(((MissingSquish))) I am sorry that dating has been so hard.  I don't really have any dating advice since I never dated before getting involved with someone from my past, but listening to others here and friends of mine it seems like a whole lot of time and effort goes into it. I give you so much credit for putting yourself out there and I really think you will find someone that you connect with but it must be discouraging weeding through all of the mismatches along the way.  The good news is that you are not willing to just settle in order to be in a relationship, you are looking for a real connection.  Keep looking for fun ways to meet people so you are enjoying yourself more along the way.

[StillWidowed]

You're not full of fail at all.  I'm even further out than you, and the same thing here.  I was with one guy off and on and now realize I can't even call that a relationship, because it wasn't.  So here I am, no husband and no relationship since he died.  It's hard because we didn't want our marriages to end.  That piece is missing.  But hang in there and wait for the next right piece to come along.  I know you're just reading typed words on a screen while you're heart is hurting and I get it.  We didn't want to travel this life alone.  But we have hope in tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  (((Hugs)))

[Bunny]

No, you're definitely not. A fail would be accepting any old relationship simply because you fear being alone. You don't do that. You were in a relationship that ultimately wasn't working for you, so you got out. That's a good thing. You are going out and meeting new people- also a good thing. You aren't willing to settle for someone who might look good on paper but without any chemistry. Also good.

 

I know you're frustrated. I'm sorry dating has been so disappointing for you. Please don't forget to also take time to do things you (might) enjoy for and by yourself. You are a complete person who deserves to seek out pleasurable experiences all by yourself. Sometimes it's nice to do things alone, not having to worry about another person's comfort. See these experiences as a treat to yourself, not as a poor substitute for not having a partner to do them with.

 

Good luck, girl! You know we're all rooting for you...

[MrsDan]

Dumb luck.

 

Seriously, that's a lot of it. BF and I met on OKCupid. My coworker met hers on there as well. But the thing about that site is that they don't show you all your matches. I think their thinking is, they don't want you to find true love too soon, or you'll leave the site right away. I think that strategy works against them though, because people get fatigued. I can't even remember if he showed up in my matches ever, or if I only noticed him because he visited me. I do know that after we started communicating, he did not show up in my matches. Unless I did quick match. Then he showed up every single time. I was very, very lucky; I only went out with five or six other guys. But my point is that's what it is, luck.

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

I can totally relate.  Feeling completely full of failure.  I'm at 2.5 years out.  Had one gloriously horrific relationship very early out that was heading toward matrimony.  Then just like that, my other half quit communicating and moved on to someone better.  I'll never know why.  I've been on the dating sites, had a few dates, a lot of "thanks but no thanks" and every time I think it's going well and we get to date five or so, either I'm not feeling it or the other person relegates me to the friendzone.

 

It makes me believe I'm not destined to have and hold another.  And I don't want to become the cat lady to fill the hole.  No way. Fur can't ever compete with fuzz.

[Jess]

Dumb luck.

 

1000% agree. I know that is how I have a relationship.

[RobFTC]

MissingSquish, I hear you.  I have had to get bigger baskets a number of times to hold all my fail :-)  You have heard me write about some of it here.  Just this week, I had a first date and a fifth date cancelled, and kept one first date with someone who did not feel like a match, taking me back to zero prospects (though either cancellor might show up again some time).  The only good news is that all that fail gets lighter all the time, so while it's bulky carrying it around, it's not weighing me down that much.  I am not sure how it might feel to recycle it should a relationship actually happen - that's maybe not even something I would know how to do.  I'll burn that bridge when I get to it, I guess :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[MissingSquish]

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and responses. 

 

I'm an introvert, and social interaction tends to require that I need a lot of down time by myself to recharge. I enjoy being alone most of the time, and doing things on my own.  However, it's gotten really old talking about my day with the dog.

 

I'm in my early 30's with no kids. I wonder why I'm still saving towards retirement. I'm not depressed, but I know that the chances I'll live past 60 aren't good (nearly everyone on both sides of my family have died of heart disease by the time they were 70).

[Guest nonesuch]

Dumb luck.

 

Seriously, that's a lot of it. BF and I met on OKCupid.  But the thing about that site is that they don't show you a ll your matches. I think their thinking is, they don't want you to find true love too soon, or you'll leave the site right away.

 

I think they want you showing up as online, and being in active in looking at others' profiles.  (Are there ads along the side they want you to see? It's been so long.)

 

I averaged one date a month. Some weeks I had a couple dates.  there were months I had none.

[donswife]

missingSquish- not a fail at all

I am 14 months out and just hearing you and any wid's who have had the guts to get out there is inspiring

I am still not close to that but even a glimmer of peeking around the corner and trying to date, helps

I am also an introvert and need to recharge after social scenes and could easily become crazy dog lady

take care

 

 

[Captains wife]

Please don't think you are full of fail !! I do believe a lot of this can come down to timing and just luck in meeting the right match. And lets face it, as we grow up we realize more and more what we want and don't want in a relationship.

 

But I also very much understand how you are feeling - I am on a very similar timeline and have been dating since July 2013. In that time, I have dated MANY men, had one 6-month relationship that was full of red flags and ended abruptly and now I am faced with the end of 1.7 year relationship that has ended abruptly again. I feel somewhat defeated by all this. I know what I would ideally like but I cant seem to find it. I feel as though I am trying to do everything right, including making myself happy with my life and building a good life for my son but I keep failing at new romantic relationships.

 

I think being single is easier but I also feel the right relationship is worth the effort. I wish you all the best - you are a wonderful person and the right partner will see that and appreciate that.

 

 

 

 

[b1inker]

I'm a year out of a 1.5yr relationship that ended pretty suddenly. I thought she had real a possibility to be the next one. No dice, even though she was extremely adult about it and oddly enough was the best breakup I ever had it still hurt so much. I went to a dark place thinking about why I have to go through all this shit again. I had a woman who was my everything and realized this is just how it's going to be for the rest of my life. It will always go back to her.

 

I've closed all the dating apps and politely declined blind dates setup by friends wives. I have no kids and figure if a woman really wants to date me she can make the effort to ask me out because I just don't have the drive to chase after a partner anymore. It scares me but I'd rather play the skin flute for the rest of my life than go back to that dark place because I might not make it out of there again.

[Quixote]

I haven't asked a girl out on a date in...decades (other than my wife.  We had awesome dates together.  Bookstores and snacks).  Four years since I lost my wife, and yes, I'm not adverse to seeing someone if we were right for each other.  But that just hasn't even remotely happened yet.

 

So, no, you're not a loser.  Or maybe I am, too.  But I suspect by the standards you're holding yourself up to, there's a lot of losers in this world

[Guaruj]

I'm sorry I missed you, MissingSquish. I hope you don't stay away for long.

 

I've been on 2 dates a month for the past 6 months, and all of them have been bad, in one way or another. I can't make any real connection with anyone I've tried to date. I feel like I exist on another planet different from the rest of the population.

 

2 dates each month for 6 months? I wish I could say the same for myself. My average for the past 6 months has been, frankly, too small to quantify.

 

Where did you meet these guys? Was it online? If so, I'm surprised you're not here telling us how many times you were stood up. I really prefer to meet women in real life.

 

I'm an introvert, and social interaction tends to require that I need a lot of down time by myself to recharge. I enjoy being alone most of the time, and doing things on my own.  However, it's gotten really old talking about my day with the dog.

 

I am also perhaps "too comfortable" being alone. But there is a way out of this. I have said at least once before on these boards, and I might even have addressed it to you: Look for clubs, classes and volunteer activities where you can have fun and make friends. The best outlets will let you make friends with both women and men. Keep trying until you find something that works.

 

However, it's gotten really old talking about my day with the dog.

 

Your dog wants to walk, not talk. Take her to public places where she can help you bump into new people. Are there clubs where people arrange "play dates" for their dogs?

 

Also, don't you own a motorcycle? Have you found any groups of people to ride with?

[BrokenHeart2]

MS and others I just want y'all to know I was in my early thirties feeling the way you might be now. I wasn't widowed but I was single and childless.  Felt that hopelessness too.  I decided to stop looking and just try to figure out what makes me happy. Well, Lo and behold I just met him by signing up for a golf tourney and I didn't golf. A girlfriend from work asked me to play and I said what the hell.  Yup, thats where I met my love of my life.  He's gone now and I'm devastated and not looking but hey...you never know. Just tying to share a bit of hope when you least expect it. Blessings and hugs to all of us.

 

[MissingSquish]

Thanks everyone. I've actually joined a meetup group for other dog owners. My boy dog has had a health scare recently, and we haven't been able to go to any meet ups for a few weeks. 

 

He's doing much better, and we're looking forward to getting back out again soon.

 

I've been stood up a bunch, but I really don't let that bother me all that much. Most of the dates I've been on have been through men I've met online. 

 

I have joined some other motorcycle meet ups, but since it's been the off season, I haven't ridden nor done any meet ups with them recently. 

 

I find winter to be a bit more difficult in regards to getting out and doing things.