I miss being taken care of

[Trying]

I used to complain about how type A and controlling DH was, he could make me feel like I was not capable of handling things because his way was always better. But lately I am missing being taken care of.  He made sure the cars were serviced on a strict schedule, he knew if the tires were getting bald, he would've organized my home renovations, lining up all of the contractors so all I had to do was the design stuff.  Now there is no one but me and I don't even know where to begin on the renovations.  Everyone I talk to says something else and I feel completely out of my depth.  I have done so much on my own since he died that has made me feel proud and capable.  But now that I've proven I can do it, I don't want to have to.  I want to pick out cabinets and countertops, appliances and fixtures, paint colors and flooring.  I want him to handle permits and plumbing, electric and gas.  I want him to make the phone calls and get people to do what they are supposed to do and handle the headaches.  I want him to hold me at night and tell me he will take care of it when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I want someone who anticipates what needs to be done around the house and does it without being asked. 

 

I may be setting the feminist move back a few decades but I miss having a man take care of me so that I had the energy to take care of him.  I've go no energy left for anyone.

[BrokenHeart2]

Screw the feminist movement.  It was all for the best if being considered equal for work etc ( don't lower standards) but I do believe we all have amazing loving roles in the family. 

I miss being taken care of but I also miss taking care of him.  We just took care of each other.  I miss it all.  I loved cooking for him and doing all the other things too (that went both ways!!! lol)

I was in a non traditional career for 25 yrs and not a feminist at all but felt that women can do just as good a job if you're qualified and able to do it just as good.

We built a house together and our agreement was he was structure and I was design. 

We just got each other and OMG I miss him and us. 

[donswife]

I can so relate to both of you

My don was such a type A and he loved every minute of it, me not so much at times then

I was the color outside the lines kinda girl and we balanced each other out so well

I miss all of it , like you said we miss the man that would just get it done

Him yelling at contractors as I offered coffee, yup good cop ,bad cop

being taken care of is what I miss the most

He knew how to just stop the madness of life and just one of those hugs would solve everything

like BrokenHeart2 said we just got each other and OMG I miss him and us

thanks for this post

[BrokenHeart2]

I also miss our bantering. My gosh we would go at each other in fun and we'd go head to head but in an awesome weird fun loving way.  Don't get me wrong we had our tough times too but always found a way to just figure it out for Us! Will I ever find that again. I don't know but I know he'd want me to. 

[Trying]

The way our roles were so well defined with the kids, the house, friends, church, chores.  We knew who was responsible for what without ever sitting down to discuss it.  We were Ying and Yang and balanced each other out (when we weren't driving each other crazy).

Even when he would notice I had one of my migraines before I even knew it full blown and he'd get the kids out of the house and tell me to lay down in the quiet dark bedroom.  When the migraine comes now, no one cares and life doesnt stop.

 

Poor NG has been taking an emotional

beating from me lately.  He can't be all of the things that I want or need. He doesn't live here, he is not a parent to my kids, he has his own life and kids to worry about. He is the middle of his own tough time and has been very argumentative as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

It is exhausting. All of it and time only makes it more tiring.  I've struggled with some of the same things you describe.  I know adp would do anything for me but he isn't here and it is just me, running in front of the perpetual oncoming train.  I've also dished out some pretty unfair emotional stuff out of frustration over the things I want but can't have.  I'm trying really, really hard to let go and accept that I must just keep going, keep making choices, keep accepting that things are not the way I want them to be while also trying to find joy somewhere in between.  Even with a partner who is there but not here, it is rough, lonely road and I am tired, too.  Not sure it is so much that I want to be taken care of as it is I want someone to share the responsibilities, for someone to make me a cup of coffee in the morning or say goodnight.  Seemingly little things but on the other hand huge.  xoxox

[SoVerySad]

I'm exhausted, too. I miss T's help with raising the children the most, but also with household and car things. What I really miss is that being with him gave me a respite from my own mind and worries. I could snuggle against him and lay my head on his chest. Hearing his heartbeat, which was very distinctive due to his cardiac issues, was so soothing to me. It helped me clear my head and reset myself. The only thing that has ever come close to it for me is the sound of the waves at the beach. I wish I had a recording of his heartbeat that I could still listen to.

[MrsDan]

Like TooSoon, I miss the sharing the responsibilities. I miss being able to say, this is too much, you handle it. However, I know those days are gone. Having to become the sole person responsible for my household was such a rude awakening, such a traumatic adjustment, I will never go through that again. My BF likes the fact that I am so capable, it's one of the things that he finds attractive about me. But even if he, or anyone else for that matter wanted to come in and take some of the burden off my plate, that wouldn't work. The me that was happy to let another person share that burden, the me that was capable of it is gone now. Now that I know what I can do, I can't see myself letting myself ever become that vulnerable again.

[Wheelerswife]

I was always used to taking care of most things.  My first husband was disabled and functioned from a power wheelchair and I needed to do all things physical.  He took care of things like bill paying and making appointments and planning vacations, but having married at 30, I was alone and independent before we were together.  With my second husband, we became interdependent on each other, and very intentionally.  He was also quite able to do things independently, but we enjoyed the sharing of responsibilities and decision making.  We also took on those "chores" that the other person disliked...ah...not to have to clean a bathroom!  I miss the overall sense that we took care of each other - physically, emotionally....and otherwise...but lets not go there....

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

Now that I know what I can do, I can't see myself letting myself ever become that vulnerable again.

 

MrsDan, This has been the single most difficult part of my relationship with adp.  When he does something nice for me or tries to lift some of my burden (even little silly things), I am so torn between wanting it (loving it, craving it) and resisting it because I do not want to be vulnerable ever again, not wanting to ever rely on anyone else ever again.  I'm still working on it but I get it.  I get it completely. 

 

ETA: eventually, though, to really and truly love again means confronting that fear and letting it go.  I'm still working on that, too, but with the right partners who understand and who are patient, we can whittle away at it, little by little.

[Trying]

It's funny because NG tells me all of the time that I am too independent and don't let him help me yet what I've been wanting so much lately is someone to help me.  i think its that easy natural rhythm of doing for each other, supporting each other, picking up the slack when one person has too much on their plate, that I really miss. I also get frustrated that I dont have the time or energy to do as much for NG as I would like to when I see him in need.  We both try but like TooSoon said, we are both torn between what we crave and resisting being vulnerable and dependent. 

[Rayspumpkin]

LOVE LOVE LOVE, no kids, no NG, but my God, do I miss this!! The man that just HANDLED it! My mood swings, my family drama, the hard, physical chores around the house, those hugs with a kiss on my forehead that just FIXED everything! The banter, the play fights, the debates, knowing that at the end of the day, he was there, he had my back! His favorite saying whenever something was stressing me out "F*ck it/them babe, we're all we need." Saying I'm all I need doesn't work the same way!

 

I agree with absolutely everything here. We never had children of our own, but we helped raise quite a few...and I miss his input so bad. Almost daily I remind God that I'm not supposed to have to be doing this on my own!!

 

3 years out...and I'm still pissed at DH for going out that day & not coming back like he promised. We weren't done yet...I wasn't ready.

[Amor]

I am still not ready for him to be gone.  I so hear you, we were all we needed whenever things were tight, hard we had each other.  That is all that truly mattered.  Now nothing matters.  I was spoiled by my love.  He did everything I hated doing and I did the things he hated doing.  I miss that so much, the support, love, hugs and always there for me.  Man, I miss him so much! 

[gracelet]

Do you know what?  It's the simplest thing but I miss being made cups of tea.

[MrsDan]

Last night I was telling BF about how one of my locks is broken and he offered to fix it this weekend. I declined. He kept bringing it up, but so I had to tell him no without making a big deal of it. I had to become very independent very fast, and I don't want to become dependent on something like that. The other thing is, I had to nag Dan constantly for help. Unless he considered it important, he wouldn't do it. I had to stay on him, and then I was the bad guy for nagging him. It's like it never occurred to him to just do something for me, because it gave me peace of mind or simply because I asked. I won't put myself in that position again. If I don't have expectations I won't be disappointed. I can do those things on my own. What I do need  and what I can accept are words of support and affection. Let me tell you, BF does both of those things incredibly well. But I'm not ready to accept help with my house.

[Guest TooSoon]

It has taken me a looooong time to get to the point where I have realized that accepting help from adp isn't weakness or dependence but rather part of the reciprocity of a loving partnership.  But I want to validate where you are right now because I was once there, too, and I had to make sense of accepting his kindnesses in my own mind.  Sometimes it is still hard; I sometimes dig my heels in but I think maybe I've always been like that.  It not only took me time to get there but it also allowed us time to fall into an easy balance of what roles we play for one another, in which arenas we can be the support for one another's weaknesses or needs.  I get it.