I messed up when I got married again (some Christian stuff)

[Shelby]

Long story short, lots of warning flags, like my friends withdrawing from me because of my new guy. My kids didn't really take to him. I was in love and, to be very honest, tired of being alone. My new husband makes me laugh a lot and I ignored the red flags.

 

There are some other, smaller issues in our marriage that I would pray and work my way through because I believe what the Bible says about marriage.

 

But...

 

Now I find myself in a situation in which I have to choose between continuing in my marriage or helping my adult kids. They are 22 and 26 but they have some major issues, most of which have their root in their father's illness and death, and they need some real help from me. I won't go into all the specifics (long and boring and I'll cry) but my new husband (not quite 2 years and he never had kids if that is relevant) has absolutely roadblocked me in what I feel like I need to do for them. Him (and his way) or my kids. Who don't have another soul on the planet to turn to.

 

I love them all.

 

I believe in marriage being until death do you part. I never left my first marriage even in excruciating times. And yet I"m contemplating leaving my husband.

 

I can't fathom not doing what I need to do for my kids.

 

I'm lost and don't know what to do. I don't expect answers or advice or help since I'm largely absent from you guys. I guess I just needed to say it to people who might get it -- esp those of you whose kids are particularly traumatized even into young adulthood.

 

Thanks for being a safe place.

 

Shelby-who-is-sad

[MrsDan]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there any chance that counseling might help? Or do you think your husband would be unwilling to try? Even if that's the case, maybe a counselor could identify some strategies that you haven't thought of. I wish I could do something for you and your kids, I really do. My father died when I was 21. It was fairly sudden, and I struggled for a long time, so I can empathize. But I did manage to pull it together, and get to a good place (well until Dan died, but you know what I mean).

[serpico]

Now I find myself in a situation in which I have to choose between continuing in my marriage or helping my adult kids. They are 22 and 26 but they have some major issues, most of which have their root in their father's illness and death, and they need some real help from me. I won't go into all the specifics (long and boring and I'll cry) but my new husband (not quite 2 years and he never had kids if that is relevant) has absolutely roadblocked me in what I feel like I need to do for them. Him (and his way) or my kids. Who don't have another soul on the planet to turn to.

 

I think the devil is in the details, though I'm not asking you to share them.  From the outside I wonder if you see it as helping your kids and your husband perhaps seeing it as enabling them?

 

This is obviously a very personal decision, but since you bring up your belief that your kids' issues have root in your husband's death, I have to ask (though of course you don't have to answer)... would you be trying to help them if his death wasn't the root cause?

[Portside]

Unfortunately, all I have for you is more questions. Please consider these as just some possible items to think through in depth.

 

Are you absolutely certain the only choice available to you is ending the marriage or helping your children?

 

Believe me, I understand how the kids can be impacted by the death of one of their parents. One of mine, in particular, was a disaster for a time. Thank God he pulled out of his problems. In my little pea brain though, I'm struck by the age of the kids and their apparent inability to process the death of their father fully in a healthy manner. Is it possible they are leaning on you just a little too much? Of course, I don't know the details so this is just a wild thought on my part.   

 

If all was well with the kids, would you be content enough to keep working on your marriage to keep it intact? The answer to this would obviously help provide you a direction. Actually, this may be the first question you ask yourself.

 

Truly this is the time for deep introspection on a number of fronts - I pray you find the right answers for you and your family and will certainly add you, your husband and your children to my prayer list.

 

Best wishes and good luck - Mike

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Shelby]

Thanks, MrsDan!

 

My father died when I was 21. It was fairly sudden, and I struggled for a long time, so I can empathize. But I did manage to pull it together, and get to a good place (well until Dan died, but you know what I mean).

 

Just hearing from someone who's been there, as the kid who really struggled after the loss of their parent, and who made it through, is so encouraging.

[Shelby]

Mike and Serpico, I appreciate the questions you both raise.

 

Both of the kids struggle with mental health issues which include primarily depression and anxiety. Understandable having lost a parent but it also complicates things now. I kind of see them both in a downward spiral that ends badly if no one steps in and intervenes.

 

It is entirely possible that they have leaned on me too much and that maybe some tougher love was in order. In fact, I'll say it outright. After all the awfulness of their dad's very long (15  years) illness and then his death, I coddled them to try to make up for it. Unfortunately, that downward spiral I mentioned up there is real even though I fully acknowledge that in trying to help them I probably made things worse.

 

Mike, this is the million-dollar question because this particular situation has highlighted some stuff in my marriage that I would have otherwise been willing to either work on or sweep under the rug as not such a big deal.

If all was well with the kids, would you be content enough to keep working on your marriage to keep it intact? The answer to this would obviously help provide you a direction. Actually, this may be the first question you ask yourself.

 

Serpico, this is it in a nutshell:

From the outside I wonder if you see it as helping your kids and your husband perhaps seeing it as enabling them?

 

A portion of the details that I'm willing to share (some of the rest of it is more the kids' business than my own) is that the kids need to move back "home" even though that's not at all what it used to be. I was a stepparent to my LH's 3 kids. He had full custody so they were always with us and it was a relief when they moved out because they moved out later than kids did during my time (their mid-20s). Then they all came back (two of them with their own children) at one time or another. I hated it and I resented it but I UNDERSTOOD it. My new husband has never had kids so he can't understand the ferocious feeling of needing to protect them and he doesn't really want extra people in his home. It was always just him and his late wife. I understand that as well.  I've pointed out to him that, especially with today's economy, a lot of kids leave later or end up coming back, but he isn't buying it.

 

Maybe (well, obviously) I'm too close to the whole thing but I keep wondering how I could have married a man who would turn away my adult kids when they need help. Or a Christian who would turn away anyone who legitimately just needed a safe place to land while getting their act together.

 

Much deep introspection is needed indeed.

 

Thanks. The questions are difficult to face and consider but they are necessary.

 

And counseling is out. He won't consider it.

 

[twistedmensa]

 

And counseling is out. He won't consider it.

 

This is yet another red flag.

[daysofelijah]

I can't even begin to understand your situation, but it struck me as familiar to something that happened in the last couple years to my mom's cousin. (More like an aunt to me). After years alone she found happiness with a new husband, they seemed blissfully happy, both Christians. Just the cutest couple. I've never seen her doing so well. Then her adult child got into a terrible situation, and wanted (needed?) to move back home. Her new husband resisted and did not want the child in his home, this resulted in her having to chose between her new spouse and her child. She chose her child. There was a quick divorce and now she lives with her child, supporting her through her mental health and legal issues. And she is utterly miserable to the point of being so sick, worse than I've ever seen her.

 

I just feel so sad that her child put her in a situation where she was forced to give up her own happiness. Though I know the child wasn't thinking how their actions affected anyone but themselves in what they did at the time. I don't know what I would do in her situation. I wish she could have found another way. I fully agree with her new husband not accepting the child back though, in this situation there were extreme legal (criminal) issues.

 

As an outsider it's easy for us to say you need to chose your own happiness first and support your children as best you can without sacrificing your new found happiness. The fact that he won't go for counseling is troubling. Not even a pastor or trusted Christian advisor? I'm sorry.

[Trying]

I am very sorry to hear about your children and their struggles and the strain this is putting on your marriage.  My 19 year old is struggling and I'm sure I'm partially to blame.  I'm gradually putting increased expectations on him and putting an end to the gravy train but it's a process.  I understand it's very hard to see them suffer.

 

It's unfortunate that your husband won't consider counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help for yourself.  Like you said, you may be too close to the situation and having some outside perspective on the kids and on your marriage may be helpful. Family counseling or individual counseling could also be a condition you insist on for your continued support of your kids. 

 

None of us know the whole story about your kids or the red flags you think you ignored in your marriage but this is a life changing decision for all of you and my wish for you is clarity and direction.

[Wynne]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Of course I am not in your position, but I wanted to share some situations that were a bit similar.  For several years my family was struggling daily.  I don't want to say too much, but I went through some very hard times.  My mother was there through it all.  Mom was often told by others to stop helping us.  She truly was risking her own livelihood and future by sacrificing so much for us in those years.  Now though, I know that she doesn't regret it.  We are stable and ok now.  And when we lost Ronnie she expressed to me how thankful she was that she had done everything she could for him.  She was spared the guilt she would have felt otherwise.  I know my situation is not yours.  Only you can decide what is right for you and your family, so I am not making any recommendations, just passing along my own limited experience.  I can't imagine how hard making these kinds of decisions is for you without a supportive spouse. I will say a prayer for you, and I hope a solution or compromise of some kind presents itself soon.

[SimiRed]

Hugs!

 

All I can ask is, "Are you happy?" I wish I had good advice or the right words to say, I struggled with my second marriage..I'm now divorced.  I don't know what other "red flags" you have, but does you now husband support you at all?  I noticed you mentioned he doesn't want anyone else in "his" home, this is your home too. 

 

You also mention that your friends don't come around because of the "new guy", that's another red flag. 

 

If you stood on the outside looking in, what would you tell a friend to do in your situation? 

 

I know how hard it is to make a decision for your future and your family.  If new guy won't even consider counseling, then he's not willing to help you out at all.  Will he talk to you about your children's situations?  Compromise?

 

Like others said, I don't know your whole story, just give yourself time to think about things.  Write down a list of all the negatives and all the positives about new guy and go from there.

[Shelby]

Thanks, everyone, for the support and advice and suggestions. I am considering everything!!! I might end up making the wrong decision - human and all that - but I don't want to make the wrong decision because I acted or reacted hastily.

 

Shelby

[Catnip]

I'm sorry.

Just a few thoughts:

Are your kids putting you in this position on purpose because they don't like your husband? Are they manipulative?

Are your kids in counseling/on medicine?

Can they live in your cellar/spare room so you can all live side by side for just a while? Can you give your kids a deadline, with your husband's agreement, say one month/or April 1st/or Easter/ and then they are out, to give them a chance to heal, and to show your husband you are listening to him, too?

Peace to your family,

~Catnip

[Wheelerswife]

Shelby, darling,

 

It sounds like you are certainly in a difficult position right now.  I can understand the place that your husband comes from.  I've been married twice, no children, used to a family of 2 and having my homes to myself (and with my husbands).  However, I also realize that should I end up meeting someone new - someone who happens to have children, I need to think about that aspect of family life if I decide to move forward and marry that person.  We all know how unpredictable life is.  I assume your husband also knows some of your children's situations, as I know about one of them and we have never even met in person.  There are bound to be hiccups in life (and I don't mean to minimize the life situations facing your sons) and we have to know that at some point, we may need to cope with them.  This could be aging parents, our own health issues, or issues that minor or adult children are facing. 

 

I'm concerned that your husband has set some kind of ultimatum with you.  You are saying that there are red flags, but some of that is water under the bridge.  You are already married and have your lives intertwined.  But marriage isn't about power and ultimatums and refusal to negotiate.

 

I'm not a believer, but I do know that there is nothing biblical about taking abuse from a spouse.  The death-do-us-part, to me, means you put the well-being of the other before your own needs sometimes, particularly in times of challenge.  Your husband seems to be putting his own well-being above yours right now.  His behavior is at least bordering on emotional abuse.  I don't know if he shares the same belief system that you have, but I assume he does because of the level of your own convictions.  If he will not go with you and discuss this with your pastor or even another one who can observe and listen objectively, I think it would be wise for you to get some advice and counseling yourself. 

 

Shelby, you, yourself are worth being loved and cared for and respected and listened to and not controlled by someone else.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

 

[Shelby]

Catnip, your ideas are good compromises. My husband won't have my kids at all under any circumstances. 

[Shelby]

Shelby, darling,

 

It sounds like you are certainly in a difficult position right now.  I can understand the place that your husband comes from.  I've been married twice, no children, used to a family of 2 and having my homes to myself (and with my husbands).  However, I also realize that should I end up meeting someone new - someone who happens to have children, I need to think about that aspect of family life if I decide to move forward and marry that person.  We all know how unpredictable life is.  I assume your husband also knows some of your children's situations, as I know about one of them and we have never even met in person.  There are bound to be hiccups in life (and I don't mean to minimize the life situations facing your sons) and we have to know that at some point, we may need to cope with them.  This could be aging parents, our own health issues, or issues that minor or adult children are facing.

 

This is so true, Maureen. Life is very unpredictable. And I have to say that having the "kids" around would be very helpful for me. As my physical health goes downhill and my vision loss continues (did you know that I am nearly blind now?) the kids would be a great help with chores and errands and such. Hubby and I are barely keeping up with things. He has health issues, too, and is working a full-time job and he has nothing left after work in terms of energy.

 

I'm concerned that your husband has set some kind of ultimatum with you.  You are saying that there are red flags, but some of that is water under the bridge.  You are already married and have your lives intertwined.  But marriage isn't about power and ultimatums and refusal to negotiate.

 

It is true that it is too late to lament the red flags that I ignored. I love him and he loves me as best he is able but sometimes I do feel very controlled. He's very specific about what we eat, how we cook, how I clean/do laundry/etc. I've always assumed that was just me overreacting and each of us just being set in our ways.

 

I'm not a believer, but I do know that there is nothing biblical about taking abuse from a spouse.  The death-do-us-part, to me, means you put the well-being of the other before your own needs sometimes, particularly in times of challenge.  Your husband seems to be putting his own well-being above yours right now.  His behavior is at least bordering on emotional abuse.  I don't know if he shares the same belief system that you have, but I assume he does because of the level of your own convictions.  If he will not go with you and discuss this with your pastor or even another one who can observe and listen objectively, I think it would be wise for you to get some advice and counseling yourself.

 

He does share the same belief system but he picks and chooses. Most of us do, to an extent, but it is the areas in which he picks and chooses that concern me. Like loving people. Like helping others. Some of this I didn't really see until after we married, some of it I saw before and overlooked.

 

He absolutely will not do counseling. He had a brief marriage between his late wife and me, which ended in divorce, and they tried counseling and he says the counselor told him he was wrong in just about every issue so he won't entertain the idea.

 

I would love to talk to my local girlfriends, the ones I had before him, but they left my life because of my relationship with him.

 

I have been incredibly sad about all of this and somehow yesterday sad turned into mad. I don't do mad well and it wasn't pretty. I said the things I've been wanting to say but I didn't say them in a productive way at all. Today we are living peacefully on the surface, going about our normal Sunday stuff, but with lava running below the surface just waiting to erupt again.

 

 

Shelby, you, yourself are worth being loved and cared for and respected and listened to and not controlled by someone else.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

Thank you, friend. I needed to read that.  I've missed you. I've missed a lot of my life lately.  <3

[Wheelerswife]

Shelby,

 

I know that you are facing significant health issues that impact your strength and vision.  I'm not surprised that these are progressing.  It is apparent that you need some support that your husband isn't able to provide, especially with his health issues and work schedule.  Perhaps your sons can help you in ways your husband cannot.

 

More concerning to me is that your husband is controlling.  Many things you mention are very classic behavior of someone who is abusive, even if there is no physical component to the abuse.  He belittles you, criticizes how you do things, and he minimizes your worth.  DON'T ignore the red flags now.  You have already lost your friends and his behavior is isolating you from people that are important to you.

 

If/when you decide that staying isn't an option, please contact your local domestic violence shelter or support organization for advice on a safe plan to leave.  People in this line of work will recognize the dangers you might face if your husband becomes angry that you want to leave.  Be aware that the danger to people who leave controlling marriages is high in the weeks before and after they leave.  You may want to refrain from telling him of your plans at this point until you get some counseling from an expert.

 

Again, Shelby, you are worth much more than to be treated with such disrespect.  Don't let your husband's good side blind you to the reality that he, underneath it all, is a controlling and potentially dangerous man.  I've seen these situations before.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[widowat33]

I don't know you or your situation, besides what I am reading here, but I agree with Maureen.

I work at a shelter for women who have left an abusive relationship, as a frontline counsellor. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, in fact I feel emotional abuse is just as harmful, or maybe even worse than physical. It can also be an indicator of behaviour leading up to physical abuse.

The most important thing is your safety, and a local shelter will most likely have a crisis line, as we do. If you are able to call it a counsellor will help you develop a safe plan, and may even suggest admittance to the shelter if you feel your safety is at risk.

As I've said before, from what I've read it's hard to tell if you are in an abusive relationship, but if he's controlling and isolating you that is a warning sign and I'm sorry if he is treating you this way. Please remember that when these things happen it is not about you, it is about him and his insecurities. If you need someone to talk to feel free to private message me!

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Shelby, please pardon me for saying that when there is no compromise, no compassion, and setting no compromise, with ultimatums is not a marriage, it's a dictatorship.

Me, I would simply gather my belongings, and leave.

[Forgottenwife]

Shelby I am so very sorry you have been put in this position.

 

Let me share a story - when my husband died, my father and his wife (not my bio mom) had a room cleaned out for my son and I in one day. I can go 'home' to my dads house at any moment. No questions asked. We're family.  No way would my dad let me stay and not contribute,  I would be working and contributing to the household and working on bettering my life. Barring violence or drug abuse, no way would my dad turn his back on me.

 

I am recouped and my partners adult child is struggling. We will find room for him. We're family. I love my partner and I can't imagine putting him in such a difficult position. We are partners to help one another and I'm here to help him and love and support him, through the good and the bad.

 

I'll echo Maureen and some others here. Controlling behavior is abusive. Please consider counseling on your own and reaching out to a domestic violence shelter. Whether your kids move back home or not is a separate issue. You are being mistreated.

[serpico]

I involuntarily flinch a little when I see words like 'abuser' thrown around when only a small part of the story is known.  Shelby, it is my hope that you and your husband can talk things through and come to an understanding. I have no idea what your situation with your husband is like in its entirety. I know that no two marriages are alike and what some people consider unacceptable are normal spousal behavior to others. I do believe that people can change, and I hope your husband's heart opens up a bit to accommodate another line of thinking. Best of luck to you.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Edited

[Wheelerswife]

I involuntarily flinch a little when I see words like 'abuser' thrown around when only a small part of the story is known.

 

Very dear friends of mine run a non-profit organization that expends a great deal of energy educating people, both men and women, about all aspects of abusive relationships and domestic violence.  They are two very intelligent people, both college professors with PhD's, yet they didn't recognize the signs of abuse in their own daughter's relationship...not until she was murdered at age 25 by her then ex-boyfriend.  So...when I see or hear VERY CLEAR signs of controlling behavior and emotional abuse, I'm not going to ignore them. These things don't tend to get better and this type of personality isn't likely to change.  While I'm not going to call Shelby's husband a potential murderer, I know enough to see that this situation could get much worse...or at the very least, not get any better. 

 

I'm going to speak some truth when I see it.

 

Maureen

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Re edit

 

She has already stated that he is unwilling to compromise or discuss it, me I would not consider that compassion or love.

I have seen too many controlling situations to not sound alarms.

I would rather take my chances on the street, than wonder what the next ultimatum would be.

 

[Shelby]

I am so very grateful to all of you for expressing yourselves and for drawing me out a little more. Throughout this situation that really started out as being about my kids needing to come home, I've had to ask myself some hard questions and look at some situations in my relationship with my husband a little more closely.

 

I asked him last night if he could just have some compassion for how I feel to be in the position I'm in, that it grieves me because I'm going to have to hurt or turn my back on someone I love no matter what I do. His answer was no. I made this situation (and I did to a degree, not denying that) so he has no compassion for my consequences.

 

I think that pretty well did it for me. I appreciate his honesty but can't be with someone with no compassion for the person they profess to love.

 

As for this discussion, please don't begin to argue with one another over anything that's been said. THere's lots of room here for varying opinions and I appreciate TRUTH especially when it's spoken in love.

 

Shelby