Guest TooSoon Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Its spring break and I just sort of collapsed. I had a hell of a week last week. I think my life requires me to just go go go. I took on a lot this fall in the hope that I'd be able to propel us to another place. I ran with it but now that I have some breathing room, I'm questioning everything. I just want one thing - just one - to be resolved. But this lack of resolution is doing me in. Maybe it is time to sell my house? Maybe I should move to England? Should I go back to graduate school because I have a lot of qustions now that I didn't have before? 'm waiting and waiting on so many things that could shape the path we take but I'm sick and tired of it. I've tried to be so careful but maybe I have been too careful. The problem is I no longer know. Stuck. Insomniac and stuck. Fuck. I don't want to be told how I am wrong. I just need to say that I'm worn out and a bit scared. Thanks for giving me a venue to say that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Hi there. If you are still up, I'm awake as well. Give me a call if you want. I'm sorry everything feels so unsure right now. Love and hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sojourner Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 It's so hard finding the best path, figuring out the timing, waiting for the circumstances to align as well as possible, etc. It's exhausting. I hear you, TS. A good vent is essential sometimes. Hope you were able to get a little sleep. Wishing you peace and discernment on your path! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Never before being widowed have I experienced such indecision, required to decide so many things, not had anyone to discuss decisions with. The stress is overwhelming. The one things that helps to calm my frenzied mind is nature, a walk on the beach, a hike in the woods. Hope you get some peace during your spring break. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Thanks everyone and also to those who PMed me. Today I feel better able to cope but it is so hard not to know - will I get promoted? Will I stay at this (annoying) job? Will we move? If so, where and when and what will I be doing? I'm so tired of waiting for things to happen when I feel like I actually have done everything in my power to put the pieces in place but here I am. Nothing has changed except that I learned the one thing no one ever thought I could learn - some people call it acceptance, others resignation. Some days I'm grateful I learned not to fight the things I don't control, other days, when fierce me wakes up, I can't understand how this is where I landed. If I hear one more person say, "one day soon" or "be patient" or if I say those things to myself one more time, I think I might spontaneously combust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TormentedTwoStep Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 If I hear one more person say, "one day soon" or "be patient" or if I say those things to myself one more time, I think I might spontaneously combust. I hope I'm close enough to catch fire myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Sigh - I hear you TooSoon and sympathize ALOT. All this stuff in limbo is so stressful - and it doesn't help with insomnia on top of it (I have this bad right now too). Vent away - this new CH 2 journey is stressful and scary as hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 If I hear one more person say, "one day soon" or "be patient" or if I say those things to myself one more time, I think I might spontaneously combust. I hope I'm close enough to catch fire myself. I'm sorry that I say them to you pretty much on a daily basis. Feel free to tell me to quit it. xo Sometimes I ask myself, what if I just decided to put an end to all of this waiting and move to England. I could do that. It would open up lots of new questions and unknowns but at leasdt they would be new questions and unknowns. I'm sick of the status quo (and by sick I do not mean metaphorically; I think my status quo really is making me sick as I am not really connected any longer to all of the people and things in my life that I used to be connected to). It's affecting me and it is affecting my child. And I know I sound like a broken record because I've been saying these things episodically for a long time. Yesterday I sat down to try to map out the next few months. I have to make a long work trip in May and plan out the rest of the summer and I realized that adp and I have no real plans to see one another apart from a quick work visit in Portland in April where we're both going to be pulled in different directions and then maybe a weekend while I am working in Europe but then, too, I am going to have 4 students with me. It isn't his fault; he is doing everything he can. But I'm ready. I've been through every imaginable emotion when it comes to this relationship and I know I'm ready but when I had the calendar in front of me and we had no real plans to see one another between April and August I just sort of shut down. I'm not asking for sympathy; this is the result of my choices and I wouldn't change them but I'm ready for something more now. The way we (my daughter and I) are living is not enough and too much at the same time. Ugh. Another ramble. Maybe I just need to let it out to sort it out. Thanks, you're the best people around! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 The loss of control issue for me has been maddening. It seems like I modulate between frustration that I feel like I have no plan and no control or this foreign sense of apathy about it all that makes it more bearable. Clearly neither is productive for me. I have the Serenity Prayer hanging in my kitchen. I read it several times a day. I know it is a valuable perspective, however it seems the wisdom part is elusive at present. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Letting it out to sort it out makes so much sense- and it must be so challenging trying to feel settled with a long distance relationship. I too would have shut down over the lack of plans even though it's not intentional - you both have busy lives!. If you need anyone to talk to about the UK I lived there for 10yrs and loved it! I wish my late husband and I moved there as we wanted to - so many things might have been different. Sending lots of widow support as you sort through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I agree, let it out. Talking it out can bring clarity, I've said many times that you all are cheaper and often more helpful than my therapist. I think that the unknown is very stressful and right now you have a lot of unknowns. You know you most likely be making a major move both geographically and professionally but you don't have any specific plans or timeline to focus on. I would imagine that you feel disconnected with your current situation because you have one foot out the door in many ways yet you have no clear picture about how your future is going to look. I think that once you get to the point of making concrete plans you will feel major relief. The changes will bring stress but there will be action involved and a goal to keep focused on. I'm sure there are multiple factors to consider but it sounds like you are at the point you need start taking action. Not as easy it sounds, I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 If I hear one more person say, "one day soon" or "be patient" or if I say those things to myself one more time, I think I might spontaneously combust. I feel this one! I hate the unknown in front of me. Some days I can tolerate knowing I have to wait to get some answers, but I'm tired of not having control over my future. I know I have school until December, but damn! I want to have some sense of what will come next. Where will this new life start up again? Will I be doing it alone? Am I doomed to be lonely? I'm grateful for having my dog in my life when the anxiety over these questions starts rising. She keeps me fairly grounded by intervening very quickly. I've learned to manage most of my overt symptoms, but the underlying angst is still there. I feel for you, TooSoon. Hugs, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I got some bad news today. One, I did not get the big prestigious grant and two, adp very likely will not have the sabbatical we were planning on so that he could come live with us in the fall and which I thought was not only a rock solid plan but really the back up plan. I'm ok but pretty fucking numb at the minute and I know Hillary Clinton is going to come to me in my dreams and tell me that I shouldn't have hitched my wagon to a man. All I can say about life right now is, proceed with caution. It has taken me all day but I am starting to have a clearer picture of what I need and what needs doing and that's a good thing. Now I just have to ask for it, possibly demand it. This is one hell of a ride. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Fuckballs! That sucks. I'm sorry. Maybe this leaves room for a better plan. I don't know, that sounds dumb. Got some bad news myself today. News that prolongs a waiting game of sorts. So I can sort of imagine where your head is at. Oh and Hillary (for the intents and purposes of this metaphor, not making a political statement) can go suck it (no pun intended). You love someone and want to be with them. Nothing wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Fuckballs! That sucks. I'm sorry. Maybe this leaves room for a better plan. I don't know, that sounds dumb. Got some bad news myself today. News that prolongs a waiting game of sorts. So I can sort of imagine where your head is at. Oh and Hillary (for the intents and purposes of this metaphor, not making a political statement) can go suck it (no pun intended). You love someone and want to be with them. Period. Nothing wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Ugh! No more bad news! Sorry MrsD. I've been vegan for more than 4 years but I just ate half of a pizza as some sort of meaningless act of rebellion. I'm most likely going to regret it and it didn't solve anything, but I enjoyed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I'm really sorry to hear about the bad news and the need to make new plans. Sometimes it feels like life just keeps kicking us in the teeth. As for Hillary, I think she would be the last person I would take advice from on relationships, just sayin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now