This is the worst part of widowhood for me...

[SoVerySad]

the pain our kids go through which we can't fix. I know I have to accept that I can't change their new reality and just do as much I can to soften the edges where I can. But it completely sucks.

 

We had an incident this weekend where my daughter was invited to a friend's family gathering (bonfire/cook-out). While there, she apparently became completely overwhelmed by being with that complete family enjoying themselves so much all together, etc.. That made her remember how we used to be that family. She felt like she was going to start sobbing, which gave her a panic attack. She was afraid to ruin their fun by crying, so she decided to go for a walk in the dark without telling anyone to try to get herself under control. They noticed her missing and a big search ensued, etc.. The family was really nice about it when they brought her home early. Of course, we talked it through, about her feelings and better choices she could have made, etc..

 

She said, in this painfully small voice, "I just don't want to be the sad girl that no one will want to be friends with or be pitied". I've had her words replaying through my head many times since she said them. And I get it so much. I don't want to be the widow that everyone shies away from either. And the kicker is she used to be known as the giggly girl. She has a hearty laugh and every time I hear it now, it literally makes me stop for a second to savor the sound.

 

I think sometimes we might underestimate how much our kids utilize their own masks and how tiring it becomes for them as well. Knowing my kids are hurting is worse than my own hurt.

[rifatheroffour]

(((SVS))),

 

Oh I so get this...seeing our kids upset is about the worst thing there is at this point.  Potentially worse is when you know that mask they are using begins to crack.

[Trying]

It is by far the hardest part, when we can't shield our children from the pain of losing a parent, to know that no matter what we do we can never be enough.  I'm glad she was able to talk about it with you.  Sending you both big hugs.

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs to all of you.

 

Maureen

[RobFTC]

SVS, I get it.  I remember their reactions when we told them Michelle was terminal.  Rebecca howled in rage; Sarah turned into a puddle.  Rebecca dealt with it herself and with her friends, while Sarah avoided dealing with it for some time, and could turn into a puddle again when the subject came up.  It was tough to see.  All I could do was to be there and talk a little about my journey.  And while it could never be everything I wanted to give them, it was enough.  They are OK, broadly.  Will they miss their Mom on the big milestones?  I am sure they will.  But that's how they can express their love, and so I wouldn't tamper with that.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[trying2breathe]

I too can relate.  My grief pales in comparison to what I feel with my kids' pain.  Generally it seems that they're doing okay, but there are times when everything crashes in again.  Big hugs ~ 

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all for your support and understanding. I appreciate it more than I can say.

 

Hugs...

[kjs1989]

This all breaks my heart. By far, this is has been the most god-awful aspect of losing D.

 

Bring it on to me. I can take it. It is brutal, but I can take it.

 

But why the ef did my kids have to lose their amazing dad?? Their pain is excruciating to me. I want to fix it. I can't.

 

And when my divorced friend, whom I love dearly but has an ex fully involved in their kids' lives, remarks that our losses are similar, all I can offer is a wan smile.

[Sugarbell]

Yes it is...and its ongoing.... ((((((SVS)))))

[linda5]

That just breaks my heart.  I found I can handle my own pain, but I don't want my kids to suffer anymore.  Big hugs to you and your daughter.

[Guest April]

I get this.. I hurt more for my children they I can for myself.. to not be able to fix their hurt kills me.. hugs to you and your babies.