Emotional lately

[Trying]

I have been feeling a bit weepy and nostalgic with memories of DH lately, not the painful kind of grief wave I still get sometimes but something different.  I'm not sure if it has to do with me finishing up school and embarking on a career change or the third anniversary of his diagnosis looming.

 

I have really taken on so many challenges since he died, things he never would have expected me to do, things I never knew I could do.  I am proud of myself for a lot of it, sad that he isn't here to see it and know that I would trade in all of my personal growth to have never lost him.  Things are going very well with NG and I see a more clear future for us that gives me a great deal of comfort, joy and peace. I have let go of the guilt of falling in love again and I know DH would approve.

 

We participated as a family in our first neighborhood lake clean up and dock day in our new neighborhood yesterday.  My husband was a huge volunteer organizer and the guy who could get things done, he raised our boys to pitch in and we all commented on how much he would've loved the day and how he would've been in charge.  NG was with us and worked his butt off all day and it all felt so good.  Then I went to DHs best friends birthday party and shared memories, a few tears, a few shots in his memory and it actually felt really good.

 

I don't know if this mood will last but I think I am finding a balance between my sadness over the life I lost when DH died and the contentment of the life I am creating. I really miss him but I'm looking forward with excitement too.  I can't share these feelings with people in my "real life", most wouldn't understand how those feelings can exist together, so thanks for listening.

[Wheelerswife]

Trying,

 

I've had an emotional time lately, too.  Yesterday I was at a graduation ceremony for a program we have on campus for gifted high school students.  My husband taught a class for this program and would have been there, supporting the students, dressed in his regalia, alongside his esteemed colleagues.  Yet he wasn't there, and it was me that marched in with the staff and faculty, as I worked this semester advising many of the students.  It is still hard for me to be in situations where John should have been.  I know that when John's colleagues see me there, they also feel the sadness of missing him.  On April 27th, the university held it's annual Scholarly and Creative Activities Day...which is now named after him.  I have a role now in congratulating the winners of the poster competition.  I pull myself together through these events..something I couldn't do a year ago, and then I go home and the full force of the emotion hits me.

 

I understand the need to create a new life.  I think you are going to be awesome in what you are doing with the addition of Massage Therapy to PT.  Just remember your PT boards and you know you can ace the Massage Therapy tests!  I know it is confusing to build a life with someone new...I was able to do that, but there weren't 5 children in the picture.  In reality, I have no real clue what it is like for you, but I'm still going to send good thoughts and wish you well as you start your new practice and figure out how to create your new family dynamics.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[SoVerySad]

Trying, I am so glad to read your post. I am glad you are finding your way to a new chapter in your life. I know you've worked hard and endured a lot of heartache and worry getting yourself to where you are. You deserve the happiness that awaits you. I'm sure your husband would agree.

 

Tight hugs...

[Jess]

Add me to weepy pile. I've also got a lot of changes and challenges in multiple facets of life, but part of me is just hit with what was and will never be. It doesn't diminish my excitement, but it is just as present and in the forefront as my excitement is lately.

[MrsDan]

Me too. My boyfriend met Dan's parents last weekend, and although it went very well, the physicality of him being in Dan's childhood home, a place where Dan and I made so many memories was kind of a mind fuck. The collision of the two worlds is hard to negotiate. How can I be so in love with someone who is part of my life now, and still grieve so strongly for someone with whom I spent such a substantial period of my life? And Mother's Day is hard, for multiple reasons.

[tybec]

NG and I are doing well, also, but his first visit to my home, the home I made with DH, was emotional.  He said he understood and would not come, as I told him I was feeling overwhelmed, but I decided avoidance was not a good thing for me.  He since has told me he loves me, and I took a few days to digest this, and decided I loved him, too.  A different love, not the 28 years type of love I had with DH.  I had to reevaluate the feelings, yes, overthinking, but not devalue them as they are different for a different human being.  Mother's day was hard, always is, but he sent me flowers.  Completely unexpected.  I look forward to where this goes, the new excitement of a new love, but always know it is only as a result of the great love lost.  I get it.....

[Mizpah]

I think I am finding a balance between my sadness over the life I lost when DH died and the contentment of the life I am creating

 

It seems that's exactly it, that you're incorporating who he was into a life that is moving forward.  It's really beautiful. 

[Trying]

I just had to share a small moment that was very profound for me today for those who are BAG and for looking for hope of what the future can be.

 

Today was the first day we put our boat on the lake that we moved across the street from last August.  The move was only 20 minutes away and in the same town but as you can understand a very big decision to leave the home that DH and I shared our life in.

 

Spending time on our boat as a family was one of Tim's greatest joys.  We dreamed of retiring some day on a lake where our children would want to bring our grandchildren to visit us.  That dream died with Tim but a new dream formed last spring when I found this house in a lake community.  Buying a smaller home across the street from the lake made it affordable and there is a community dock and beach but no water front housing costs.

 

Today on the boat, seeing my 3 kids smiling, feeling complete and total joy, knowing how Tim would have loved every minute of, I got teary.  Not because I was sad that he isn't here but because I was so happy.  I said to the kids, "we live here, this is our life" and it felt good.  I know Tim was smiling down on us because we are creating a new happy place for our family, taking something we shared with him but making it our own and making new memories. 

 

I felt his presence today more than I felt his absence.  I think I now understand the definition of "Beyond active grieving". 

[trying2breathe]

Big hugs, Trying  Thank you for sharing!!  So good to know that you all shared a great day today.