I know what you're thinking...

[AbidingTime]

Oh no. Here's another one. Poor pitiful soul. Just listen to him prattling on.

Yep sure he really really loved his wife and really really misses her - probably sits out at the cemetery every day.  Lost, alone tearing up his pillow case, walks the house in a daze.  Has his kid's magnifying glass on his bedside table just so he can study that stack of pictures of his wife from last year, ten years ago and twenty.  So he can get a glimpse of that locket she's wearing.  Frantic minutes tracking down those humming bird earings in her jewelry case. The ones she wore in that picture - the one in the sun dress.  Where was that? San Antonio?  Don't you remember?  She'd remember for sure.  That's just how she was.  Here they are.  Peridot and gold.  Both of them.  They were set just so in her ears. In her very ears.  And here in my fingers now those tiny bright little jewels.  She had plucked them right out of this very same box.  Gently put them on.  Watched herself in the mirror as she twisted them round.  Brushed back her thick auburn hair.  Combed it back with her beautiful fingers.  Just like she used to - laid her flowing hair over hair and tilted her head just so.  Looked at herself in this very same mirror.  In this spot right here- leaning over her sink top.  This cold piece of granite.  This ledge right here pressed into her hip.  Said something to me probably in that sweet voice of hers.  That sweet loving soothing voice of hers.  Said something funny or charming.  Had a question or two.  Smiled probably giggled.  Took another look then turned off the light.

I picked up some dry cleaning today.  All the chores are mine you know.  The sweet Vietnamese lady asked how I was doing.  She said "oh, well. Life goes on, you know."

[SoVerySad]

Not poor and pitiful... loving and heartbroken. Your post really touched me. All those little details you noticed and remember. This is very hard. Life does go on, but it often feels like it goes on for everyone around us, while we're still reeling and just trying to find our breath and our footing.

 

Sending you a tight hug of understanding...

[Kater]

So sorry for your loss.  I agree with SVS - a very touching post.  One of the words I have used a lot is "weird".  It is so weird to be physically where our loved ones were, to touch the things they touched, to stand on their footprints, while trying to understand and accept they will not be there again.  I use my husband's favourite mug a lot and think about how many times his lips had been where mine are (even though it has been washed!).

 

Take care.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Heartfelt, and beautiful.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[AbidingTime]

Thank you - it has become a fixation - all of the things and places that I'm clutching.  Maybe that changes - maybe not.  I'm not tuned into the management style of grieving - don't really want to manipulate it or shepherd it along.  I'm waiting for that first person to come along and suggest that I'm stuck - so that they can explain to me what exactly is wrong with that.

[AbidingTime]

I'm not really as angry as I sound.  After lurking a bit and doing some reading I saw that this is a safe place.  The world out there is getting a collected, strong, faithful new widower.  You are getting an exposure much closer to real.  Because safety beckons and because from what I have read here you'll be able to help.

[Trying]

Here is where you can be real, where you can feel safe to share anything.  Thank you for sharing the beautiful details of your memories that show the love you have for your wife. 

[JeanGenie]

AbidingTime, Yup this is a safe place where you don't have to pretend.  No timeline or rules in terms of how or what you're feeling.  I'm glad you found this board.  I met some of my best friends through this board. 

[Mizpah]

Oh no. Here's another one. Poor pitiful soul. Just listen to him prattling on.

 

You forget that you are us and we are you.  It's not pity.  It's empathy/compassion, it's knowing, it's fellow-feeling.  Not just for you, but for ourselves - our past selves, for those of us further out.  And your writing likely gives great comfort to others. 

 

Not just "another one."  In the beginning (5 years ago now), I used to get so angry about everything anyone said about grief, threw many mourning/loss/grief books against the walls of my apartment.  It's not about grieving, it's not about loss, it's about HIM!!!!!  The specific, unique man who no longer exists.  It's about him - not me, not the process.  It's about the things that can't be expressed or held here once they're gone, like the way they look when they move or change facial expressions, those in between moments, or the particular scent of their skin.  It's about those irreplaceable details.  I would sit on a bench on the river watching people walk, and look at each one: that's not him, that's not him, not one person on this earth is him.  This world no longer contains him.  I filled more than ten little journal books, trying desperately to write down every single thing about him.

 

 

[Max2507]

I don't think anyone here thinks "poor pitiful soul". But I know how much of that you get with people that don't get it, haven't been through this. How no one wants to talk about your spouse anymore, even mention their name much less talk about them. If you start to talk about him there is a quick awkward switch in the conversation to something else. I have all these memories of the minutiae of life with him that are so wonderful. Now when someone mentions a loss I say tell me about them. I mean it and enjoy hearing about it. So tell away we understand.

[AbidingTime]

Mizpah and Max2507-

So true what you have said.

I wrote this not long ago but it was before I came to this site and found such caring support.  I can see now that I 'll have to address those here much differently than those who are out there.

Mizpah - blessings to you for having the fortitude to churn out journal after journal - pages of paper and ink that are without a doubt the resonance of the love you had and have. 

Max2507 - Yes! Yes!  What a great way to take on people's unease.  I'm going to start doing that and stay with them as long as they would like to talk about who they are missing.

I'll log off and return to the -out there- where it seems like everywhere I go people are staring me down and surely knowing (they couldn't possibly know) my hurt and despair but with a firmer sense that this fine place and the good people that populate it  are here waiting.

[Jen]

This is beautiful, although it seems a little wrong to want to "like" such a lovely, heartbreaking post, knowing the inspiration. I am so, so sorry you had to join us, but grateful you found us. Please keep talking. We're here, and we get it. Hugs to you.