Regrets

[AubreeAnn]

Hey All, this is my first post here and lost my loved one on April 21st.

 

I am filled with regret. Did I love him enough, did he know that I loved him as much as I do, did I make him laugh enough, hug him enough, kiss him enough. Did I let him know everything that he needed to know? I would like to think that I did but I doubt myself. Was I enough for him?

[Suki1]

Hi AubreeAnn,

I'm sorry about your loved one's passing. I think we all have these thoughts. It's the shoulda-coulda-woulda rabbit hole, and it doesn't lead anywhere helpful. In hindsight, there are lots of things we could have done differently; if only we could turn the clock back, we'd do a zillion things differently.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Remember the good you gave him; that honors him in a way that the regret and remorse cannot. Hang in there. You're not alone.

[Jess]

Hi AubreeAnn, I am glad you found us but so sorry you had reason to look. I can really relate to what you said because I went through something similar in the first month or two. I couldn't remember or be sure that he knew I loved him. I kept trying to remember good things I had done to show him and I couldn't remember anything. The good news is that these memories come back over time and can even be incredibly vivid. Right now, your brain is trying to protect you from trauma, which can cause these doubts and regret. I assure you that the fact you wonder if you did these things enough makes me sure you made him feel loved deeply. Hang in there.

[SoVerySad]

Welcome, AubreeAnn. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know those questions you're talking about are normal after such a loss. Given the loss itself was out of our control, I think we look to the things we did have control over to try to deal with it or as a lens to think about it through. I also think we wish we'd have fitted more of those things in as the time we had together was cut so short. But we had no way to know that was coming. Your love was with you for a reason, because you showed him love and filled the needs he had. Please try not to place doubt on yourself when there is no reason to do so. It is normal to do so, I realize.

 

Sending you a tight hug and understanding...

[Mizpah]

Did I love him enough, did he know that I loved him as much as I do, did I make him laugh enough, hug him enough, kiss him enough.

 

Do any of us ever?  Did he?  No.  And I mean that as a good thing - you lived a REAL LIFE with him.  Not a movie in which you have five perfect minute to encapsulate everything you've ever felt and thought and give it to him like a perfect gift, written by professional writers.  You shared a life.  What more is there?  There is no more than that.  It is everything.   

 

I went through a lot of this worry in the beginning.  DH was a very life-loving man and had a really positive healthy outlook.  I tended to overthink things.  So I naturally thought a lot about how I should've been easier-going, I shouldn't have let certain things in life upset me.  But then I realized - what I was wishing for was to have been less myself, and he adored me for who I was, as I loved him, with his imperfections that were perfect for me.  If I'd known that he'd die that day, of course I'd do things differently.  I'd have made my whole life about him, every moment from the time we met until he left for work that day.  But that's not real life. 

[Captains wife]

First of all I am very sorry for your loss. A lot of what you said resonated with me. I lost my husband suddenly 4 years ago (today!) and I spent at least the first year feeling like I was being "punished" for not being a better wife, not being more accepting and wishing I had been more loving and patient on many occasions. But I eventually let these go and I have tried to focus on the positives of our life together - and in all the ways I WAS a good wife. But I did grow a lot from losing him and I think it has helped me be a better partner this time around.....

[Jen]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. We've all had these thoughts, these doubts... keep talking. It helps.

[TofinoMan]

AubreeAnn.

Sorry that you joined the worst club you will ever join.

I have no words of wisdom for you dear.

But as clueless as us men are, we know when a woman loves us.

I'm sure he knew.

It is not about how often you say the words to us.

Its the tender touches, or playful squeeze.

Those looks you give us men.

You can't hang on to regrets or they will eat you up.

Try as hard as it is to remember the good moments and forget the bad.

Jenny never had to tell me she loved me in words, I knew.

After reading your post I know that you loved him....so he knew to....

 

[AubreeAnn]

Thank you all and thank you for the male perspective TofinoMan. It's really comforting to hear. Between my love and I, we were always touching. I always took his hand when I had the chance, even when we were sleeping I would grab his hand to hold. He never denied me that. I was always holding his hand, kissing him, hugging and snuggling with him. He was the same way with me so I know I never annoyed him. I always told him I loved him too. I just wish he was here to confirm those thing ya know. Thank you so much again for the point of view. I appreciate it and everyone else who responded to my post. Thankful for you all.