Trusting friends

[Needytoo]

Just finished my counseling and it really opened me up on things that I have to work on.  After decades of living with an alcoholic I have become a co-dependent and working very hard on changing my outlook on things. 

Through counseling I have been working on how to make healthy boundaries with people, asking for help and trying to open up and trust people again.  All of these things my therapist said will help me to develop health long lasting relationships which I am really hoping for, since there wasn’t anyone there for me after my husband’s passing.  I am also worried because of my co-dependent tendency my children might not be able to develop true intimate lasting relationships with people as well.

I am developing what I considered some good female friends, although I do feel I am the one that always finding things to do.  These ladies have told me many times that they are thankful and we all understand what having female friends has so many benefits. 

Part of me feels a little bit of a child complaining about this and I hope you will just humor me with my problem.  One of my friends emailed me a link about this female retreat thing.  She was so gun ho about it and I signed up for it.  On Wednesday both of us attended a workshop and I saw the flier for the women’s retreat, I mentioned “hey look the flier. “ Her remark was “I am going to a friend’s cottage for that week”.  I felt a huge tug on my heart strings.  But thanks to a member here I remembered his words “don’t agree to do anything unless you can do it by yourself”.  I believe Mac said that.  I thought screw it why even mention that I signed up for it. 

I am very conscious when I talk to people so I don’t make them feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to hurt their feels, still not sure if that is the co-dependent  showing its ugly face again.  (Darn I think I answered my own question on that one)  On facebook under the event tab I said I was going to this women’s event.  Guess the page showed up on my friend’s facebook page.  She called me and asked me why I didn’t mention it to her and I told her why.  Her response was that “I don’t want to end up like you with only a few friends, that is why she I am going to my friend’s cottage”.  Being a co-dependent or not I found this so hurtful, not sure how I can trust people when they do this kind of behavior.  I agree who would want to be me, this is true. 

I cannot change my friend but what can I change about myself?  I am sitting here at work waiting for 4 o'clock.  People are stopping by my office asking what my plans are this long weekend.  I have nothing, no planes at all.  No invites nothing.  The lonely bug is slapping me big time.

 

[Trying]

I can relate to so much of your post and it gives me a pang of deep sadness. I have never been great about making female friends, even as a teenager. Tim and I developed some very close "couple" friends together and I had a few close women friends. My closest friend was widowed 8 years before me and she became an alcoholic and began to destroy her life and our friendship before Tim died. I have 3 friends who I go out to dinner with maybe once a month but it's always a week night because weekends are for husbands. Our "couple" friends are hard to be around, the men have done a better job than the women at keeping in touch and I am equally to blame for those friendships fading out because I'm not good at reaching out. I have not developed any new friendships in widowhood aside from a woman from school and my therapist thinks I need to work on this. I have trouble initiating things because it makes me feel vulnerable. I have a lot of insecurities and some social anxiety that really get in my way. I agree that female friendships are very important and I need to put more effort into the ones I have left and in making new ones.

 

I would have been very hurt by your friends statement of not wanting to be like you. She simply could have apologized for making other plans and not realizing you had signed up. I have no advice but wanted you to know I can relate.

[SimiRed]

{{HUGS}}  It hurts, I know.  I don't have many friends either, and most have just completely forgotten me.  But, that's okay.  I had a friend show up in my new home in October last year, texted me, talked to me, even called me.  Then, "poof"..I have no clue what happened.  I texted her, no response, I called, no response.  Even sent a Merry Christmas text, birthday card, etc...and NOTHING.

 

Well, I've learned a lot in this past year.  Yep, co-dependent is no fun.  I won't live like that.  I have learned to sit on my front porch in pure happiness with everything that I have accomplished in this past year.  I am a good person, I am special, I am fun and I am HAPPY.  The best I've felt in a long time.  Why?  Because I decided I don't need someone to make me happy, I need to be happy with myself. 

 

Go to the women's retreat by yourself, it's okay!  I've done things on my own and found that I love hiking trails with my ear buds in, I can stop and enjoy the view...stop and smell the flowers without thinking about another person. 

 

Trust me, It was one heck of a hard road getting here.  Harder than Hard...but, I'm here and I'm staying here.  No one will ever be happy with me if I'm not happy with myself.  I don't need anyone to make me happy, I can do that on my own. 

 

“Don’t agree to do anything unless you can do it by yourself”. Perfectly said...and enjoy anything you do at your own pace without trying to please anyone that you are with, because then, you won't really enjoy it anyway.

[Needytoo]

Trying thanks for replying.  That reaching out is so dam hard but I did it and then to have "I don't want to end up being like you with only a few friends" said in a flat outward manner really hurt me.  But she is speaking the truth. I have another friend who has been very distant all winter as well.  Memories of when there was no one are creeping back into my mind and I am not liking it at all.  I mediated last night and practicing being mindful.  I will still try to reach out to people when I can and be open to them.

 

SimiRed, thank you girlfriend.  I needed your words.  I needed to be reminded that I am my best friend.  I now feel really good that I am going to this women's retreat solo.  As far as this weekend, I have it all planned out. Went to the library picked up some books and going to go hiking out on some trails that I always wanted to go on.  The house is quiet but I can hear someone mowing the lawn and the birds chirping.  What a perfect day it is going to be.

[SimiRed]

Needytoo,

 

Having good friends definitely add to your happiness, but that is not the only ingredient.  Lots of things make you who you are, brings you happiness and a sense of completeness.  Focusing on yourself will make you happy from within, and the right people will be drawn to you. 

 

You will do great at the women's retreat solo!  And if it's not everything you expected it to be, well...then you did it, and be proud of yourself for "stepping out of the comfort zone" and doing it on your own.  That's a great big first step to many new adventures.

 

You'll enjoy hiking, you'll love the outdoors and the serenity that it brings you.

 

I will say that my biggest support system has been others from this site, others who have listened to me, understood me and have taken the time out of their day to send me messages of hope and inspiration.  These are the "trusting friends" that have understood me better than the friends that are physically in my presence.  Real friends believe in you, and those surrounded by us here believe in us and support us because they understand us much better. 

 

Have a wonderful day today!  Embrace the peaceful solitude and the fresh air!  Sure, you'll get anxious doing things alone, but show yourself you are strong enough and good enough to stand on your own two feet!  It will give you the opportunity to discover who you really are and it will strengthen your self-sufficiency and slowly that co-dependent side will fade. 

 

I'm proud of you!!  Yes, it will be a perfect day today!! 

[Captains wife]

Needytoo - yes, good for you in going to this retreat yourself ! It is hard to stand strong alone sometimes but in the end you will reap the rewards from it. Some of what you wrote resonated with me as I am quite introverted and have had issues in the past with making and maintaining friends..and it was partially related to the fact that I hate rejection and don't take it well. But what I have learned over time and now I am "mid life" that many people will come and go from our lives and sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives temporarily and for certain reasons...and then we can grow in different directions. Since I was left widowed in a small town where I didn't know anyone I forced myself after year 1 to do something about it - and it was hard as people weren't knocking down my door to join my social circle. So I joined some interest clubs (wine tasting, sailing, widows), and I forced myself to start reaching out to women where I thought we had something in common and could be friends - and arranging to meet for coffee, or lunch or a glass of wine or trying to get involved in neighborhood events..and I kept doing it, even when it didn't work out. And eventually, I formed a few local friendships with great people because I made this effort and I make an effort to keep in touch (even if just by text sometimes, or by FB). But during this process, a number of people fell by the wayside and it was difficult but I learned a lot from it and don't take this type of rejection personally any more.  Sometime lifestyles or friendship needs are just different between 2 parties. The right friends will "get" you and want to be in your space. What your friend said was hurtful (and not necessary for sure) but she should recognize as well how much you are growing.  Good for you for recognizing things that you want to work on and moving forward...In terms of being alone on the weekends - I know all about that.....but I try and get out at least every other week to at least Meetup.com events (adult only so I have adult time) or I text a friend and invite them over for a glass of wine or I arrange things for my son and I to do (and take the initiative, such as booking a condo on the Cape over July 4th which is a very lonely holiday for me normally). All the best,

[Needytoo]

Survived my first weekend solo, this is the first time my kids have been gone on the same weekend.  I was doing well till I got a text from the same friend that I mention previously.  She asked if we are going to yoga Tuesday night and I said "sure".  She then proceeded to tell me how she had friends over for a bonfire and had a great time and it felt like salt being poured in a wound.  Then my brain is suck on how to reply.  So instead of being totally honest and tell her I spent the weekend alone I told her that her weekend sounded great.

 

I think you might have hit the nail on the head Captains wife,  I too have a deep fear of rejection.  I know part of it comes from having no support after the death of my husband but I think it even goes deeper than that. I do go out and do a lot of things solo.  I have met a lot of people who I would call acquaintances and maybe a few people I would call friends.  It took me a few days to get my brain to calm down after her first jab at me and now my brain is just fixated on this.  How did you eventually handle the rejection Captains wife? 

 

[Captains wife]

Needy too - it's rough when you see friends on FB etc doing social activities and you aren't invited. This used to really upset me. But over time, I guess I focused more on my life and my family to keep me from feeling too alone and to help support my happiness. I can't for the life of me understand why people act the way they do sometimes and while I may still internally obsess over it for a little while, I now let it roll off my back more easily. I used to feel very socially needy after my husband died because I was virtually alone but now I diversify my social outlets and diversify my friendships. I am also enjoying my alone time more than I used to. It's hard but try not to take some of your friends actions so personally, if certain friends continue to upset you then branch out to new friendships and also take control of your social time (like going on the hike!, finding hobby groups you might enjoy)...it feels better when in the driving seat. Venting is a good way to get it out of your system too. Reach out to people you like spending time with and be the instigator of new plans sometimes (and then you can choose who is invited) even if it doesn't always work out : ) wishing you all the best,

[MrsDan]

I personally have had a lot more insecurity when it comes to friendships with women than I've had with romantic relationships with men. I think it's because I've had to deal with rejection in the former case far more than the latter. Not because I'm so irresistible to men or anything, but because I was with someone most of my adult life, and then I really didn't date all that much before meeting my boyfriend. But friendships with females, that's been a struggle for me my whole life, since childhood. I never really had friends until college, and they were mostly with men. I currently have a few good friendships with women, one is a long time friend of Dan's, the others former colleagues. But it's hard. I've always sort of marveled at women who have these long lasting friendships. I often found myself having to me the one to reach out, to make the call. And much like in dating, sometimes you want to be pursued, you know?

[MrsDan]

Oh and one thing that drives me CRAZY is when you make plans with someone, they bail, then act like the plans were tentative. I'd wonder, is there something wrong with me that I thought we had made actual plans? It made me feel stupid for a long time. Then I realized, I'm not stupid which means either they ARE stupid when it comes to communicating their intentions or they just changed they minds and don't have the decency to honor a commitment.

[Needytoo]

Captain's wife, I thought I was doing so well letting things roll off my back but wow not lately.  Maybe it was the counseling that has opened up those old wounds again but not liking it one dam bit.  Got a text last night 10 minutes before yoga was going to start that she wasn't going to make it.  And then she sent me this extremely long text that how tired she was because of the weekend with all her friends.  Seriously?!? I really wanted to text her back maybe next time she should go on a hike by herself and have the company of mosquitos and black flies, but I didn't because I don't want sympathy. Some respect would be nice.  Don't these people realize they should be grateful for what they have?  Mediated for an hour last night it does help a lot.

 

MrsDan, I am back doing the online dating thing and I think I am getting better at it.  Same friend is worried that she is going to lose me to a man.  At the time I said no that would never happen, but heck if you are blowing me off all the time it could happen.  Three years has been the longest I have been without a special someone in my life since I was 13 years old.  I actually really think I needed this time to find myself.  Goal in my life is to find a true intimate partner. 

 

Thank you everyone for your words, I do feel kind of normal today and I hope it stays that way.

[Bunny]

Uummmm....does anyone else think this friend is starting to sound pretty darn passive/aggressive?

 

It just seems like every time she changes her mind about doing something with you, she follows it by adding some tidbit about her awesome social life, which you are never invited to be a part of. I just think that's really weird. I'm guessing when you do get yerself a gentleman caller she will suddenly become much more attentive and try to make all sorts of plans with you...

[Captains wife]

Yes, Needytoo...this friend's behavior would start to really grate on my nerves....there are better friendships out there for you.....

[Needytoo]

OMG Bunny!! Oh no, now I feel like a total ass.  I think years ago someone did tell me this woman is bipolar.  I never really thought too much into it, since I don't like gossip. Now my brain is totally stalled on this one.  I sure in hell don't want to be an insensitive to mental illness.  How the heck do you put that into the conversation? 

 

She texted me telling me she is now going to the women's retreat. 

 

This is just a lot of drama for me

[Needytoo]

My friend did sign up for the weekend but her words were still eating me alive so I went back into counseling. I know this sounds very strange thing to do, but I just couldn't shake that horrible feeling.  This therapist was new but I had no problem opening up to her.  Generally I find therapy a little draining but I felt so much lighter after our appointment. 

 

My friend and I drove to the retreat together.  It was a spiritual retreat with a lot of focus on native Indian culture.  The other ladies were fantastic and I just felt I could be myself.  I even met two ladies that worked with my husband that was just icing on the cake.  I had a few ladies do tarot cards readings and even had tea leaf reading all with very positive results.  My friend's hers wasn't all the great. 

 

At the end we all pulled a name to say a positive comment.  The native spiritual leader got mine and she just blew me away with her very kind comments.  I pulled the name of one of the ladies that worked with my husband, shed some tears on that one.  My friend pulled a name of the retreat organizer and her comment was a little off and everyone felt it.  Then my friend got her comment. The lady that got her's said she has to speak the truth and just laid into her.  She said she didn't appreciate being reprimanded all weekend by her.  Very awkward moment but it sure opened up my eyes a little more.  This sounds really horrible but I had no empathy for her at all.  The lady was speaking the truth, just wish I saw the truth earlier.  So guess I am not going insane.(wish is a plus)

 

We will see how are friendship goes from here.  I have texted her a few times and haven't heard back.  I understand but I have to say I feel fantastic.  This weekend I am going to the relay for life with a few ladies I met last weekend.  Very glad I went.

 

thanks everyone

 

 

 

[Trying]

Sounds like an amazing retreat!  It sounds like your "friend" is showing her true colors and now you know it's not just you seeing it.  Some friendships need to just fade into the background.  Thanks for sharing your update, keep putting yourself out there and drawing more positive people towards you.

[Mizpah]

I'm glad this retreat helped you see it's her, not you.  Remember that and carry it inside you for future reference. 

[daysofelijah]

((Hugs)) I feel your pain. I have never been very good at having friends and my late husband didn't want me to have friends at all. So I really do not have any close friends. I really have no clue how to make friends at this age (40). I don't fit into the married circle, I don't really fit into the single moms circle either.

 

So idk. I tend to find that I have the best luck making friends with guys my age and a bit older. But being in a relationship right now I don't like to do that much either. I have to try hard not to rely only on my bf for my sole means of companionship.

 

Good for you for going on the retreat anyway and enjoying yourself. It sounds like it was a really good experience for you and hopefully an eye-opener for your friend.