One Half of a Whole

[AubreeAnn]

My love and I became one person. Now that he's gone, I'm the only half left. I don't feel like I even know who I am, what I like or what I'm passionate about. I feel like, not only am I mourning the loss of him, our future, the kids we didn't have, and everything with the territory, I have to figure out where to begin again. What do I like to do? What will I do with my evenings and weekends now? Where do I even begin? I'm so lost with this new life and struggling with desperately trying to keep the old life (the life with him). What do I do?

[BrokenHeart2]

Hi AA. I'm sorry you had to join our group but I'm glad you found us. I've been exactly where you are as many (all) of us have. What do you do?  Right now, I would like to suggest to just be gentle with yourself, drink lots of water (crying is dehydrating) and just take one day, hour or minute at a time. We get it and understand what you are going through.

Big giant gentle hugs to you.

[Trying]

I can relate to your feelings about not knowing who you are on your own without your love.  In the beginning I tried to continue on doing everything the same as when he was here but that really didn't work, nothing was the same.  At 32 months I am gradually finding my own way and discovering who I am without him.  My advice would be to let that evolve naturally over time.  For now you need to focus on one day at a time and giving yourself the time and space to grieve all of the aspects of your loss. 

 

Sending you understanding and support.

[Mizpah]

When I was at your timeframe, I had the same problem (I'm 5 years out now).  We lived in a bubble of us, and with him gone, I felt I'd lost my own life and identity too.  At first, I used my time and energies in honoring him and trying to feel closer to him.  His native language was Hebrew, so I learned Hebrew.  I planted a memorial garden.  I spent time going to the cemetery.  As time went on, very very gradually, I started doing things I felt like doing (but I barely even recognized it as that at the time).  I'd feel slightly guilty letting the "him" things go, but it's good and healthy that it got replaced with "me" stuff.  It takes TIME, lots of time.  Healing is a very gradual process, so gradual you often can't see your own "progress."  Feeling lost right now is exactly where it's natural for you to be.  Processing this loss is your focus now.  You will start to notice what makes you feel good/better and what makes you feel bad/worse.  Go with your gut.  Slowly.  Be patient with yourself. 

[MrsT85]

AA, I'm so sorry you've had reason to join us and that you're having such a phenomenally hard time now.  It sounds like you and your DH were similar to me and mine - we shared all of the same passions and hadn't yet had the chance to start our family, so there wasn't anything that was just "mine" that I could turn to and lose myself in.  The phrase I kept repeating to myself right after learning he was gone was "I don't even know what life is now."  Our whole life together was one shared interest, and after losing him I've certainly struggled with rebuilding my own separate identity and finding things I could really be passionate about that didn't come hand-in-hand with the sting of feeling hollow or too painful to face without him. 

 

Early on - don't worry too much about finding those passions again, it's enough at this point to just find ways to make it through the day.  Find TV that's either innocuously mindless or something that you might never have watched with him (early on for me it was the HBO series "Big Love" for some reason).  Get one of those adult coloring books (I've discovered these in the past few months) and spend some time coloring starbursts and flowers.  If you have a pet - spoil the living daylights out of them.  I didn't have a pet when Tim died, but I've since adopted two shelter kittens and realized that they would have been an amazing comfort and distraction for me in the immediate aftermath of my life shattering, as they would have given me another being to focus on, love and have love me back.

 

Trying to find out who I am without him has been really really hard, I'm not going to lie.  It's been over three years and most of the time I still don't feel like I have it figured out  :-[  But as Mizpah said - it's a slow and gradual process and I know I'm slowly getting there.  You will too.

 

((HUGE HUGS))

[Kater]

Aubrey, I am coming up on 5 months and feel EXACTLY every word you wrote.  I have told many of my family and friends just that - I don't even know who I am.  My DH and I did have separate hobbies, but I haven't been able to participate in those just yet.  Just when I feel ready to get back to it anxiety keeps me at home.  this is one of the reasons that I am ok with being around people I know and that know my situation, but am not too good around people that I am just meeting.  I don't know what to say about myself other than that I just lost my husband and could you please leave me alone ha ha.  (I have a conference for work coming up in a week, so may have to work on that).

 

Thanks to those of you who are further out for your comments.  I have watched more tv in the last 5 months than I did in the last 5 years.  My dog has been great in that I end up out for walks when I least feel like it, but 10 steps in my mood is better and I am happy to be out.  She gets me out of bed in the morning on days I would like to stay there.  But I am bored, bored, bored (as I have written in other posts, I am on a 4 month break from my job of teaching).  I get out pretty much every day for an appointment, or to meet someone for coffee, but the nights are soooo boring.  So I have been thinking of what I can do.  I don't like to be out of the house too much because of my dog.  And so just this morning, in fact, I was thinking I would like to learn to play an instrument or two.  The house is to myself now, so there is nobody to bother.  I could practice day and night, if I wanted.  So some ideas of how to fill my time are coming. 

 

Hugs to you all. 

[Dean47]

Hi AA...I can very much relate to how you are feeling. I am at 3 months since the loss of my sweet Nicole and still feel I am just going through the motions, but I have found some good releases....my number one distraction is exercise. When I don't feel good, everything is much worse...so exercise clenses and makes me feel better. It is temporary, but its still a break. I have recently taken a couple weekend trips with my dogs too...and I've actually laughed and smiled a few times...but coming back to the empty house is the tough part. We were not able to have kids...but we did get two dogs and they have been so so helpful...they love you no matter what, protect you and give you positive energy. It is also helpful for me to have animals to care for...so I am glad you have that wonderful dog to help you in the mornings. Remember your not alone and your not going crazy....these feelings are NORMAL. Our lives as we knew them have been shattered and we are having to learn to live all over again....just take it easy on yourself...the instrument idea is a great one...I say you go for it!