Thinking out loud

[ladybug]

Another summer ahead for all of us.  This will be my 8TH summer has a widow.  I don't feel has sad has the other summers, but it still is lonely.

 

Where did the time go, it went so very fast.

 

I will always miss my sweet husband, but I am slowly moving on.

 

So very thankful for everyone on this board.  I read it every day.

 

Thanks.

[Taurus]

Have just been through my second summer...still feels like the first when my beloved left us.

[ATJ]

This will be my 8TH summer as a widow. ...

Where did the time go, it went so very fast

.

 

 

 

How did it get so late so soon?

It’s night before it’s afternoon.

December is here before it’s June -

My goodness, how the time has flown.

How did it get so late so soon?

 

~~ Dr. Seuss

 

ATJ

 

[Virgo]

This will be my third. I was just sitting here thinking about my project list. I've avoided a few projects, but I'm going to  try to complete them this summer.

[Quixote]

5th.  Got a new plane at work and a horse to train on my days off.  Just trying to keep busy.  I still hate nighttime; it's when the lonelies come.

[Guest April]

2nd here.. last summer was so fresh.. I didn't do anything with the kids I normally do.. 1st year in my life we didn't go down the shore.. I want to do a lot with the kids this summer.. excited for them to be done school  ;D

[Trying]

This is my third summer without him and the last summer with DH was when he was so sick, in and out of hospital and chemo.  Summer 2013 was all about being his caregiver, 2014 I was still in a fog, 2015 I sold our house and moved.  Here I am in 2016 and I think I forgot how to enjoy summer.  I think I am ready though, to embrace life, to slow down a little, to get back to enjoying time spent with family and friends. 

[Wheelerswife]

Third summer without John here.  The first 2 summers I just picked up and started driving.  I spent the whole summers on the move, visiting people and other places.  I just couldn't bear being in my house without him and without school to keep me occupied.  This summer, I'm working a part-time practicum and spending a lot of time alone at home.  I guess it needs to be done.  I'm making progress on all of the stuff that is here.

 

Maureen

[MrsT85]

This will be my 4th summer without him.  A couple years ago, I outlined my vague "goals" for my first few years as such (and this was about 1.5 years in, so I already had a little bit of distance from his death):

 

Year One - Survive life totally falling apart

Year Two - Spend time finding and retrieving pieces of life

Year Three - Put pieces of life back together as best I can

 

And I must say, I think I've done a fairly decent job on those fronts.  But in the past handful of months I've done some soul searching to try to figure out why I'm still so numb, still so generally un-enthused about life in general.  I haven't thought about it explicitly, but I guess this is the job (to begin) for year four. 

 

I've reassembled the practical portions of my life - outwardly, everything is humming along just fine at work, at home with New Guy and our feline children - but I haven't figured out what really makes me happy now.  Most of my real passions, the things that would make me deeply and simply happy (music most significantly, although to a lesser degree books, TV, movies and politics as well) are things are still so deeply linked to Tim and our life together that I can't derive simple, pure pleasure from them anymore.  There is always at least one tear (and usually many many more) that accompanies any smile that one of my passions - all of my very favorite things - elicits.   

 

Figuring this out...trying to decide who I've become now, what makes me happy and then how to learn to like that person...that's going to be one hell of question to answer.  :'(

[Guest TooSoon]

It is my fourth summer, too.  And while I am not sure I set out to reach certain emotional or other benchmarks, I feel pretty good about where things stand.  Even though my University chose not to promote me, I have taken students on a research trip every summer except the first one, raised the funding to do it, and pulled myself back together professionally and in the classroom.  I unexpectedly fell in love and built a really strong partnership and foundation for our future.  I shed a lot of emotional baggage I'd been dragging around for way too long and cleaned house of the relationships that weren't working for me.  My house is still a disaster, but I think I've also built a new and deep connection with my daughter that we did not have before and have made great strides in trying not to beat myself up about my shortcomings as a parent (which was pretty much the theme for about a year toward the beginning) and have made big efforts to engineer fun and memorable experiences for her.  I think I've become a much calmer person who can see with much greater clarity what matters to me and how to actualize it. 

 

Yet, there are times when I still feel like I am on the outside looking in on life; this could be enhanced for me because that is what I did much of the time during my 2 years as a caregiver.  My "Be Here Now" mantra fails and I'm aware of the lack of continuity in my life.  The Before and The After and I look at other people and marvel that they don't have that punctuation mark in their lives.  That life as I knew it just stopped one day.  I think back on the 10 years Scott and I were together and it sometimes doesn't seem real; that I am forgetting things and I have asked myself if maybe I am forgetting because I didn't pay enough attention, didn't have enough gratitude for the wonderful thing we had.  In my new relationship, I will never, ever take time, the time we have together, for granted.  I strive for that in all things I do now.  Because, like you all, now I know what I didn't know....I'm going to put that in the silver linings category.   

[Lisa]

Ladybug, it will be my 8th summer too. Mostly I am used to this. But I have a hard time as the anniversary approaches.  It is expected. 7 years is a long time.  But nothing has ever shaken me like his dying. I moved very far away this year so I need to come up with a new plan for that day relatively soon.

I miss him. I wish he was here.  but I'm happy again. Just in a different way.

[Bunny]

It's my fourth summer. In ten days he will die on me all over again, though it will never be as painful as that first time. Ive noticed my anxiety has been creeping back lately. Planted a vegetable garden this year, the first one since he got sick. I'd only planted flowers since he died, something I'd never bothered much with when he was alive. The feeling of existing in a parallel universe from everyone else has certainly lessened, but hasn't gone away. I feel like I belong to this secret awful beautiful club that I wish I'd never joined but also feel gratitude towards for the lessons it has taught me.