Am I a different mom now?

[SoVerySad]

Anyone else think about how you would handle parenting situations we encounter now if we were still the parents that we were before? This past weekend, I signed permission for my 16 year old daughter to use her own money to get one of those tiny rhinestone stud nose piercings. She really wanted one and had done her research, etc.. We live in an area where this is not really the norm for teens, so she's had interesting responses from her friends, several saying they can't believe I let her get it and others saying I'm such a cool mom.

 

It made me wonder if we hadn't been what we've been through, if I was still the old me, would I have agreed to this? I gave a brief thought to what her Dad might have thought and also asked a dear friend from this site if he thought she was too young and if I was being an irresponsible parent, but ultimately decided to sign for her. 

 

I realized that while I often have felt panicked by all the parenting decisions being my responsibility now, I care less how others judge my parenting now than I did before. It seems like it should be the other way around, perhaps, but after 3 years, it isn't.  For whatever reason, I've been left in the position of being the sole living parent for these kids, who will soon be adults. I've realized second guessing myself requires more energy than I have to give right now. So, I have a very happy daughter who I feel looks just fine with that tiny little sparkle. And hopefully it offsets her irritation with my reluctance to let her drive yet just a little (which I'm pretty sure she'd already have her permit if her Dad was still here).

 

Any of the rest of you think about if your parenting is different now than it would have been had you never lost your spouse?

 

 

 

 

[Mrskro]

OH I definitley think my parenting is different. 

 

For me, I feel like I only have so many battles in me.  My DH and I were fairly strict parents, and for the most part that hasn't changed.  But if my darling 13 year old son wants to wear the same shorts and sweatshirt every damn day, while it drives me crazy, I'd rather battle about school work and other responsibilities. 

 

Both my kids "get away" with more now then they used to, but they are great, respectful, responsible children. So I pick my battles.

 

The house is a little (some days alot) messier but the three of us have more important things to deal with than who's turn it is to sweep.

 

My daughter (16) complains that the 13 year old has way more freedom then she would have had back then.  But there's only one of me and I can only do so much. 

[Guest April]

I definitely think I parent differently..

 

I never would have left my children home before.. I think my oldest was almost 17 before I would leave him home alone lol.. but now I find myself in situations where I have no choice but to leave them home alone.. I did get a security system with cameras that I can access through my phone.. so I don't know if that is considered cheating (not really leaving them alone).

 

I was always the disciplinarian and my husband was the softy.. so I do find myself not being as hard on them because they don't have that balance anymore.. although I was never really good at bedtime.. but my husband insisted they go to bed at a certain time.. mostley because he wanted reign over the tv lol.. but I still was always the one that made them go to bed.. he always made me be the bad guy.. I find myself letting the kids stay up later.. or just sleep out in the living room with me.. I don't like being alone.. it saves me from waking up ever few hours to check on them (I'm a nervous parent).. and for now they want to be with me.. I have a 19 year old.. I know it doesn't last forever.. so for now.. I'm soaking it up..  as long as their grades don't suffer I don't see the harm in it.

 

definitely pick my battles.. especially with my 3 year old... I don't know if it's because I'm older.. she's my last.. I'm softer.. i'ts everything I've been through.. or she's just really hard headed.. but she definitely gets away with murder.

 

I feel like I baby them a little more then I use to.. I feel like I need to make up for the crappy hand they've been delt.

 

I buy them more things for no reason (before they would only get "wants" if it was their birthday or Christmas.

 

I still enforce the sports.. they have to do at least 2 sports and if they are not doing a 3rd then they need to do off season training.. my daughter only does 1 sport (gymnastics) but it's year round 4 practices a week 3 sometimes 4 hour practices.

 

I over think my parenting.. where before I just did.. now I second guess myself.. I can't seem to make decisions on somethings and I leave them hanging longer then I should (like this years school trips.. I just can't seem to let them go).

[Trying]

I am definitely a different mom and not better.  I Am not as on top of things as I used to be.  I let things slide because I get tired of always being the bad guy and the nag.  DH and I balanced things out so well and I haven't figured out how to balance good cop and bad cop by myself.

 

My youngest is 12 and a great kid, very easy.  I probably have let my guard down with him because he's so good but I need to step it up as he is entering those teen years.  I have been giving him more chores around the house since my middle son will be heading of to college at the end of the summer and both of the older 2 are working. DH and I were always big believers in the kids helping out around the house and in the community.

 

 

[trying2breathe]

In many ways I feel that I'm continuing to parent the same way as I did prior to DH's death.  DH was a loving husband and Dad but most of the time he was emotionally absent.  Although I wasn't happy about it, it was left up to me to manage most things on my own with the kids.  There wasn't much of a change in parent responsibilities for me after he died.

 

 

It makes me sad to post this out loud, but in a way it's easier to parent now that he's not here as I don't have to try so hard to include him.  That being said, I know that my kids miss their Dad a lot.  And I would give anything to have him back in our lives.  The parenting job rested entirely on me though.   

[Sugarbell]

I don't know...been doing it solo for so long I don't know what I would've been like 2 parents. I do think I am more involved with all 3...I have learned to think like a guy..relate to guys platonically due to my boys sports..I know baseball..I know golf...That was DHs thing.

 

Not sure I am cooler. I am in the sense that kids have always hung out here...but I think I am more of a hard ass than I would've been otherwise.

[linda5]

Definitely a different parent now for me.  My kids are older, the youngest being 20 when her dad died.  All 3 daughters now treat me like an equal friend to them.  Somehow, I lost my "Mom" status.  I was such a wreck for the first two years that my girls told me when to eat, what to eat, when to go out, etc.  Now that I'm gaining back control of my life, my daughters still think they can tell me what to do.  I do have really good girls and I know they love me.  But, I'm trying now to gain the "Mom" status back.  I know I can't boss them around anymore, as they have all recently gotten married, but I want more than girlfriend status from them ... I want the Mom card back.

 

[mmg19]

The values we wanted instilled in our children have not changed.  Yet I am different.  Always was a disciplinarian and still am.  BUT - and it is a big one.  I have boys starting the teen years and I can not give their father's answers to their questions.  As hard as I try, I feel so inadequate.  I liked shared parenting.  DH and I complimented each other in the way we handled decisions and choices involving the kids.  We were a team and no matter how many mentors or male role models in their lives their is a void that hurts.

 

The boys are happy and doing well academically and socially.  It's so different in moving from 50% to 100% on my shoulders.  So many times I let things slide and don't always have the balance that is needed.  It's a process and I'm still evolving.

[tybec]

The values we wanted instilled in our children have not changed.  Yet I am different.  Always was a disciplinarian and still am.  BUT - and it is a big one.  I have boys starting the teen years and I can not give their father's answers to their questions.  As hard as I try, I feel so inadequate.  I liked shared parenting.  DH and I complimented each other in the way we handled decisions and choices involving the kids.  We were a team and no matter how many mentors or male role models in their lives their is a void that hurts.

 

The boys are happy and doing well academically and socially.  It's so different in moving from 50% to 100% on my shoulders.  So many times I let things slide and don't always have the balance that is needed.  It's a process and I'm still evolving.

 

Ditto.  Could have written this.  My son will be 13 in Sept.  I have had him in sports, boy scouts, activities at church, even male teachers.  I have been as consistent as I could be.  All the things he is in, his father was an active participant, either the leader/coach or best volunteer.  BUT, it is still not the same for my child to have HIS dad.  I went to a 6th grade graduation and had to stand alone with him to pin an award on him.  He has done so well in so many areas, but there is still a hole. So tough. The void is palatable some days.