Four

[Bunny]

My husband died four years ago today. I try hard to keep the memories of that last year fuzzy, but with the beginning of June, random images start popping into my head and my anxiety goes through the roof.

 

I had no idea my relationship with him would continue to grow and change after his death as I worked through, as I continue to work through, all of my feelings about our marriage, his illness, his death, and who I am now.

 

I am grateful the anger is finally disappearing. That stage- being so very very angry at him and fixating on the negative aspects of our marriage- was very lonely. It was the only time I really missed the ywbb and all those years of raw sharing. I needed some of those threads so badly to help try and make sense of what I was going through. I felt so completely alone, even among widows. I'm sure if I could've afforded a therapist, I would have slogged through all that shit sooner, but what are you gonna do?

 

We were very happy together, except in those moments when we were not. I don't miss having to deal with his epic temper tantrums. But I do miss how he helped me get ready for a night out. The question 'how do I look?' was taken quite seriously- with suggestions about clothing, shoes, or accessories offered if needed. He worked in construction, but also had an appreciation and love of fashion. I loved watching him shave and fix his hair. His hair was beautiful, all my girlfriends envied it- and he spent MUCH more time on it than I did my own.

 

He loved animals. Whenever he was sick he requested that I read him animal books- his favorite being James Herriot's Favorite Dog Stories. His lap was my dog's favorite place to nap. The vintage car show he started 16 years ago is still going strong. He poured his heart and soul into that...I loved helping him realize his vision, but I don't miss working on it now. It's funny how people always assumed I was super into old cars because I organized that show . Nope- I was just really into my husband.

 

He loved reading- especially history. He could take a dry and boring (to me) book and make it all sound so exciting! He would have made an excellent history teacher, but his formal education stopped at the 8th grade. (He spent his childhood in a cult. He had a very 'colorful' youth- I used to tell people I married an 'After School Special') He never stopped wanting to learn new things.

 

When we got married he taught me how to cook and how to drive- I was in my 30s. He was always happy to eat my vegetarian cooking. He received his 10 year sobriety chip a few months before he died. Though he could barely walk, he insisted on going to a meeting to get it.

 

He thought I was beautiful. For most of my marriage, I fell asleep to him softly stroking my bottom. Though he was sad about my disinterest in high heels, he still indulged my shoe fetish on many birthdays. He learned to love and appreciate the simplicity of my messy ponytail look. He was very irritated by my shitty map reading skills, but always drove on trips that required highways because he knew it made me anxious. He told me once he thought I was the bravest person he knew because, though he didn't understand my phobias, he appreciated me trying scary things despite them.

 

He was a loving and adoring husband, except when he wasn't and totally sucked and made me want to strangle him. He was handsome and maddening and intense and brilliant and faithful and funny. He was my husband for 15 years. I was proud to be his wife. His best friend told me when all the guys were down at the shop, working on cars and bitching about their wives, he never once joined in. He was my biggest cheerleader. And I was his.

 

I have survived his death, though for a long time I didn't care if I did. I have fallen in love again, despite my best efforts not to. I am both better and worse from his death, and am coming to peace with that.

 

 

 

 

 

[SoVerySad]

This is so beautifully written, Bunny. Thank you for sharing your love story.

 

Tight hugs to you...

[ATJ]

My husband died four years ago today. …I have survived his death, though for a long time I didn't care if I did. I have fallen in love again, despite my best efforts not to. I am both better and worse from his death, and am coming to peace with that.

 

 

"When I stand before thee at the day's end, thou shalt see my scars

And know that I had my wounds and also my healing."

 

~~ Rabindranath Tagore

 

 

 

 

May Restoration and Rejuvenation continue as you walk toward a Brighter Horizon.

 

May Peace be your steady companion!

 

ATJ

 

[canadiangirl]

Bunny, thank you so much for sharing. I have tears in my eyes, the appreciative kind.  Your husband and my husband would have been great friends had they met--a lot in common (except maybe the cult thing).  Thinking of you from here. 

[Quixote]

Wonderfully written.  Yeah, sometimes its best to be fuzzy about the end.  That's not what their life was about, anyway.

 

And James Herriot is awesome.

[Captains wife]

Thank you so much for sharing...I just passed the four year mark in May and I remember our "early" days of posting. So amazing how much we have all grown from this experience. I am happy to read your anger is disappearing - I too had that issue for a long time and I too have felt more at peace with things in the past year. I am smiling at your last line - that you fell in love again, despite your best efforts not to. I wish you many years of happiness....

[Trying]

Very touching and real description of marriage, thank you for your honesty and your beautifully written words.  "I am both better and worse for his death", amen to that.

[Shawn823]

Moved to tears by how genuinely beautiful you have written this, Bunny. Knowing the ways in which my husband was not perfect sometimes, almost paradoxically, gives me such great comfort--no one knew those ways as well as I did and they never will. He saved those sides for me, as did I for him, and only because there was such a rock solid and trusting love.

[donswife]

thank you for the beautiful post

so well written and truthful

take care