At 4 Months

[Dean47]

It has now been 4 months since I lost my sweet Nicole and I find myself still walking in a fog. Certainly the awareness of all that I have lost has set in and that she is not coming back. Unfortunately, I feel little purpose or hope in this life. I keep telling myself to survive for now with the hope that the darkness will dissipate further and that one day I will not be consumed by these thoughts. That day is certainly not today. I attended her family reunion last weekend and it has plunged me into a deep and heavy depression. I believe going was the right thing to do and that one day it will be a significant part of my recovery...but I am extremely wobbly right now. My goal is to simply survive...but that is a faint goal on days like today.

[Mrskro]

Dean;

 

I'm so sorry you are still struggling.  I found and still find, that family events are such a double edge sword and I always fall into a funk afterwards.  I have found it's gotten easier as time has gone on but still not high on my to do lists. 

 

I found my first year was only about surviving.  It was until year two that I started to realize I need to make another life for myself.  Not that I've managed to do much toward that goal yet, but the hope is there.

 

Hugs

[Trying]

In that first year and still to a lesser extent now, I would experience a post celebration or post holiday dark funk that often left me exhausted and curled up in bed.  This happened even if the event went well. 

 

Its almost impossible at 4 months to imagine that the pain lessens, but it does.  The sharp edges of grief begin to soften, the dark moments become less frequent, happiness and hope start sneaking back in. But for now, survival is a good goal.

 

Sending you hugs.

[Mizpah]

Unfortunately, I feel little purpose or hope in this life. I keep telling myself to survive for now with the hope that the darkness will dissipate further and that one day I will not be consumed by these thoughts. That day is certainly not today.

 

You will slowly find yourself caring again about your life and future.  Maybe not now.  Maybe not in the next few months.  Everything you wrote is exactly right.  Today is not the day.  Today may be the day to suffer, or to merely "go through the motions."  Though it feels so terrible and so uncomfortable and bad, you are exactly where you need to be to heal.  My first 14 months were very emotionally unbearable.  I barely remember anything of the first 3-5 months.  At about 2 years, I started to feel really good feelings again.  It takes so much time.  It's such a huge blow.  It's beyond description, to lose the most important person and your future and your day-to-day life....  It's a complete obliteration.  It's all been burned to the ground.  People say "be patient with yourself," and it's so hard because you have to live all these seconds and moments and weeks and events and lonelinesses and sadnesses, etc.  When I think back (from 5+ years out), I think of myself with such compassion: I lost years of my life to mourning.  Ages 32-34 are just gone to me.  And I think of you all with that same compassion.  Life is full of sorrow, and before and after (and sometimes even during), with good things too.  I'll stop babbling....  I'm wishing you solace.